Lil Lady Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I was previously married for almost 12 years. My ex and I never really talked and we never really argued. We were for the most part involved in a business relationship, rather than a loving relationship. The man that I am with now, we have been together for over a year. He and I have a very rough time having discussions. He wants me to tell him everything that I feel, and what I think, (which I think is great), but when I make a comment, he gets so frustrated with me so it makes me feel as though I shouldn't say anything at all. But I know that's not good because it all just builds up inside of me until I explode. (I'm very passive aggressive) Here is an example... He is always on the phone with his friends. Constantly texting, or just making random phone calls, which is the normal and I know I should get over it...but last night we had some friends over for dinner. What I "thought" was that he didn't check the phone at all while they were here...which was GREAT! But as soon as the friends left, he instantly picked up the phone and was answering a text from a friend. I thought that since he and I had been with friends pretty much all night, I wanted time with just me and him...(and his son). So I made a comment. I try my hardest to word things correctly and in a nice tone for him so that we have a nice conversation. I told him that I appreciated him not checking the phone as much during dinner, but it somewhat bothers me that he had to check it as soon as they left, instead of just talking with me. He gets so defensive and told me that "he did check the phone many times during the night, I must have not seen him." Then he says that he made it a point to talk to me and make sure that I didn't feel left out when the friends were here. (They were his friends before we got together, and I'm still kind of shy around them) And that he didn't know what I wanted of him because he tries to do nothing but please me and all I do is find fault or he ends up doing something wrong. *sighs* I am just not sure if I am picking too much? Or am I wording things wrong to where he thinks all I'm doing is complaining? I am a very clingy person...I have very few friends, just because most people only want to use you. (We have about 5 different people that we know that owes us money) so I don't go out of my way to make new friends in our hometown. So I am very dependant on him...not financially, but emotionally. I guess this is a two part problem...how do I talk to him without making him feel defensive...and how do I become less dependant on him emotionally?
Turtles Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I think it's a reasonable expectation to be able to have a dialog with your spouse/partner without having them assume that you are accusing them. It was that way in my ex-M where I could not say anything w/o having her get very defensive. In the end I just figured out we had no way to communicate - she just wanted to do everything through arguments - just the way that she is and we were a mismatch. I left and I think she will do a lot better with someone who does not worry so much about how she feels.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 He wants me to tell him everything that I feel, and what I think, (which I think is great), but when I make a comment, he gets so frustrated with me so it makes me feel as though I shouldn't say anything at all. I'm trying to understand the contradiction here. Why do you feel he's interested in your every thought and feeling when he seems to be annoyed with basic communication from you ??? Mr. Lucky
Author Lil Lady Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I try my hardest to talk with him in a calm manner anytime I bring up something that upsets me. Which is what he has told me in the past that he wants to hear. He always says that communicating is what will help us get through anything. In his previous relationship, his ex and his son's mother, cheated on him. They did not get along very well from what I understand. Always scream fighting at each other, and she always put him down and said things to intentionally hurt him. I think that may be where this all has spawned from...or it could be that he took it that way. I'm not certain since I was not around when they were together, but I hear them argue now about their son and if it's the same, thank goodness we don't argue like that, because I wouldn't be here. Nonetheless....I think he wants to know what I think and have to say, but I also think he takes it the wrong way. When I voice my concerns about things, it is just my way of letting him know how I feel, and letting him know what bothers me. I think he views it as an attack and I know that when he thinks about certain things he gets frustrated at himself because of a certain thing and it's just kind of projected at me. I just don't know how to talk to him about things that bother or frustrate me without him getting...agitated. He has always told me that he is a very angry person inside...that he's been that way his whole life. (when he was younger he would get in lots of fights, which I believe vented his anger), but now he doesn't have anything to really vent that anger. He and I have a lot of stress in our relationship, his ex with his son, my parents butting their noses in constantly where it doesn't belong, and just life in general, but I know that he and I can have great conversations, just not all the time. Am I expecting too much? In the example of what I discussed with him in the first message, is that being too picky? Should I keep those feelings to myself? Like I also said in the beginning...in my last relationship my ex and I never really talked...so I feel like I'm stunted in the conversation piece of our relationship.
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