missdolittle Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Ok, I would appreciate some advice from people who have been there, done that on this subject. My husband is a serial cheater who has denied this point blank even when shown irrefutable proof. In the past he has admitted one instance but given careful thought on my behalf I know this has been going on most of our 15 years together. We have a history of being on and off (i.e. I find out and leave him, he begs me back, does counselling etc). We have kids so this further complicates the matter. Our sex life is non-existent which is probably a blessing given what he's up to. I now find myself at a crossroads as I cant find it in myself to leave the relationship and have reconciled myself to the fact that if I choose to be with him then he is going to find sexual relief elsewhere. However I am a heathly human being myself and have my own needs which need fulfillment. Hence I am seriously considering finding someone outside of my marriage to fulfil these needs. Has anyone been in my situation an if so, what is your experience? I would love some advice, thanks
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 The quick answer is no. The not so quick answer is talk to him and tell him what you're going to do and why. Instead of a M full of cheating it turns into an open M but you're both on equal footing. Good luck. 5
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 You shouldn't seek to do the samething scum does and become like scum. If anything, depending on your kids age, divorce him, or do it whenever. But don't be like him.
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Why cheat? Just have a talk with him and discuss having an open marriage. Just keep it out of the house and away from your kids. 3
NotCamelot Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I don't know how you could do the same thing without emotions getting involved. And, when/if that happens, are you prepared to deal with that up to and including leaving the current husband for the f***buddy? I know that some people do indeed make the open marriage thing work....in fact some seem to thrive on it. I could never do it. I refuse to share my W. However, if your are resolute in your decision to stay in the M, and get sexual fulllfillment outside of it, at least have the discussion and remember the only rules you two have to follow are the ones that you set forth. 1
darkmoon Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) free-wheeling swinging open marriages...only if the two ppl have an appetite for all that can it work, i was in an open relationship for years, my choice, he was a good friend he liked me specially so i turned a blind eye to his pecadillos and i liked feeling free...open is do-able, but don't go in expecting seventh heaven unless you are cut out for playing gypsy xx Edited January 22, 2013 by darkmoon
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I don't know how you could do the same thing without emotions getting involved. And, when/if that happens, are you prepared to deal with that up to and including leaving the current husband for the f***buddy? Open also goes both ways. Are you ready for him to tell you "I'll be a little late tonight, seeing my GF on the way home" ? missdolittle, you have only tough options right now. Divorce seems the best of them... Mr. Lucky
darkmoon Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Open also goes both ways. Are you ready for him to tell you "I'll be a little late tonight, seeing my GF on the way home" ? missdolittle, you have only tough options right now. Divorce seems the best of them... Mr. Lucky i think she sould try it for three months and leave if she's still unhappy, it might be the best three months she's ever had, my open relatoinship relied on turning a blind eye, there were no announcements about his flings, no need, then again perhaps she will be the one who needs to be diplomatic about a night out with the girls
Act Two Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I now find myself at a crossroads as I cant find it in myself to leave the relationship and have reconciled myself to the fact that if I choose to be with him then he is going to find sexual relief elsewhere. Do you know why you don't have it in yourself to leave? I know as well as anyone how scary divorce is with children, but one thing I've worked on is facing my fears head on and realistically. If you have to resign yourself to that type of situation, what do you get out staying? What do the kids see modeled? What do they get? What would happen if you left for good? Cheating will temporarily scratch some sort of itch but it will just create a bigger mess to deal with in the long run.
nofool4u Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Husband cheats, should I? No, because then you will be no better than him. If you think revenge cheating is the answer, then just get a divorce.
juliabrookes Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Ok, I would appreciate some advice from people who have been there, done that on this subject. My husband is a serial cheater who has denied this point blank even when shown irrefutable proof. In the past he has admitted one instance but given careful thought on my behalf I know this has been going on most of our 15 years together. We have a history of being on and off (i.e. I find out and leave him, he begs me back, does counselling etc). We have kids so this further complicates the matter. Our sex life is non-existent which is probably a blessing given what he's up to. I now find myself at a crossroads as I cant find it in myself to leave the relationship and have reconciled myself to the fact that if I choose to be with him then he is going to find sexual relief elsewhere. However I am a heathly human being myself and have my own needs which need fulfillment. Hence I am seriously considering finding someone outside of my marriage to fulfil these needs. Has anyone been in my situation an if so, what is your experience? I would love some advice, thanks I am so sorry you are experiecing this. I'm not a fan of cheating so I could never tell you to go out in the world and take care of your needs. I have no idea what your belief system is for marriage, but I do know that you are being disrespected. If you read this I want you to be aware of a few things. your children are learning how to be in relationships based on their child hood experiences. Guess what mom... you are showing them by example that it is ok for "Mom" to accept this. This is normal. This is healthy. Children are sponges and I promise you , this will be a struggle for the children in their adult relationships as well. My best advice to you is to make the decision that you already know that you need to make. Sure it is ok to be scared, the unknown can be. I am living proof that leaving a cheater is better for my life and my child. I am a happier person being away from all the lies and deception. I am in control of my life. I don't need a man to define me, to take care of me, etc. You will soon realize that as well too. I hope this helps you. p.s. Don't cheat, don't become him. You are so much better than that. Higher your standards. You can do it, you're stronger than you think!!!
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I would say your first and best option would be to get divorced. But, since you don't seem to be willing to take that path after all of these years, then do what you must. 1
road Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If one has read on infidelity boards for any length of time they will know that having open marriages, revenge affairs, only create more problems and more pain and teaches kids the wrong things. Nothing will get solved. I am not going to ask what have you done to kill your WH affairs and affair proof your marriage. Instead I will recommend that you get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley first. Get the book read then come back here and lets talk.
Woggle Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I would just leave. Don't lower yourself to his level.
summerdowling87 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 No, because then you will be no better than him. If you think revenge cheating is the answer, then just get a divorce. Exactly don't stoop to his level. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 i think she sould try it for three months and leave if she's still unhappy, it might be the best three months she's ever had, my open relatoinship relied on turning a blind eye, there were no announcements about his flings, no need, then again perhaps she will be the one who needs to be diplomatic about a night out with the girls Trying different sex partners (especially when you're married) is a pretty life-altering step, one that I'd guess the OP wouldn't take lightly if she's hung in through 15 years of a difficult marriage. The "turning a blind eye" she seems to already have perfected ... Mr. Lucky
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 This is something that you have to answer for yourself. However, if you feel bad about leaving him and breaking up the family, think how you will feel when he catches you cheating. I know you will say that you are only doing what he is doing and technically you are right, but the fact is you aren't him. He can look you right dead in the eye and swear that he didn't have relations with that woman. I am not convinced that you are that kind of individual. He can justify his indiscretions, but if you do the same thing, that would be considered cheating. Is that fair? Certainly not, but it is life. Additionally, you have to remember that you have little ones that are looking to you for an example of how to live life. The question is what kind of example do you choose to be. I am not going to tell you what to do. I am not going to tell you he doesn't deserve a little of his own medicine. Separate, divorce, open marriage is your call, but just remember once a bell has been rung, it can't be unrung.
stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You don’t want to leave this marriage you said…why is that? Why does your husband continually deny his cheating? Why does he not want to discuss his feelings and your’s openly to get to the truth? What do you think his truth IS? That he is unhappy and wants to leave, but can’t be bothered so he “gets by” with cheating? Or that he IS generally happy but just has “needs” he feels you cannot fulfill? You mentioned counseling. Have you both actually HAD counseling? If so, did he deny the cheating then as well? Or was this when he confessed to that one time you mentioned he was honest that he had cheated? You really do need to talk to him. Don’t just go out and cheat yourself. If it’s been 15 years and you never had the urge to be with anyone else, then it’s not in your personality to want to do this, and you probably won’t feel right if you do it now. Not for any moral or societal reason, but just it wouldn’t something you’d naturally want to do within yourself. If you talk openly with him (if he is able to), a few things might happen… He will reveal he wants to leave the marriage. If this happens, I think it will be inevitable and for the best. Someone who does not want to be married is never going to be a good partner to you and you deserve better. He will express remorse (which may or may not be genuine) and say he DOES want to stay with you because he loves you, but…he just also wants to be with other people. If this happens, you can say no, you can’t live with that. You have to be the ONLY one. If THIS happens, he may leave. Or he may stay and continue lying and hiding. Or he may stop cheating for a while, or forever (highly unlikely though). The other result of the above is that you agree to be “open” in your marriage. He can be with other people and so can you, if you want. But I don’t think ideally you want this for your marriage. At this point, you’d have to think really deeply what do YOU actually want in your life. This is it. Your life. Your chance to be happy and feel properly loved. You should feel like you are ENOUGH for your husband, in all ways. When you say “cheating”, do you mean he actually has affairs that involve love as well, or just sex? Like random sex or casual flirtations with some sexual activity? Also, if he never confessed to anything apart from that one time, how do you know he’s cheating and has been cheating for 15 years?
stevie_23 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Yeah, I guess that's true. Do they think they're doing nothing wrong? Or they know they're doing something wrong but it's just so deeply ingrained in who they are and they can't bear to stop it, so they just refuse to even begin to talk about it? I think the OP has the choice of staying married, feeling unhappy, like she's not good enough for her own husband, and living putting up with secrecy, lies and deception, OR Embarking on cheating behaviour or affairs herself as a "quick fix" which will probably make her feel more lost and alone than she already does, OR Leave.
tbf Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 There's a glorious world out there, once you've left a marriage torn apart by cheating. Don't bother revenge cheating. Think about how you currently view yourself and how you currently view the cheater. Why would you want to become like him? You're going to have to look yourself in the mirror, every single day for the rest of your life. You're also going to have to look your children in the eyes, for the rest of your life. My advice is to walk away from the sordid triangle. I divorced the cheating ex-husband years ago and have subsequently remarried a wonderful, monogamous man who treats myself and our two boys like pure gold. Don't allow a cheater to tear you down. Be free and be happy!
Jonah Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Ok, By all means! Go enjoy yourself some orgasms! Thing is, for it to be any good there would have to be some chemistry there. And if there is chemistry - emotions and ties. It is a real trick to find someone just to enjoy nsa but it is doable.
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