Girlfriend needs the dreaded "break"

[afdb12]

Last week, my girlfriend of 2.5 years told me that she needed space to figure out her feelings. Our relationship was very good for the first two years, with talk of marriage and family and the like. But in the fall we started growing apart. We both work full time while in grad school, and though we live very close to each other and would still see each other most every day, things got hard and we would have little fights here and there.

 

Eventually, I sat her down and asked her what I could do to try to make things better. Her response was that she felt “broken” inside, was “tired of being tired,” and just needed time to sort everything out. She also mentioned that she was having self-esteem and confidence issues, and felt as if she might not be "good enough" for me (she has had some mentally abusive relationships in the past). Though it killed me inside, I told her I understood and respected her decision, hoping that some time apart could make us better in the end. I assured her that she was more than good enough, more than what I deserve, but I could not convince her in that one conversation. We mutually agreed to not see other people during this time. As I was getting up to leave, she pulled me back and started to cry when she said “I love you and I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

 

This was nearly a week ago and we have not spoken since. I’m well aware of the fact that when a woman asks for space or a break, its her way of starting the breakup, and it will be an uphill battle to get her back. My gut instinct is to fight for her, but I know that I have to respect her decision if we are to have any hope in the future. I don’t want to come off as needy and smothering by contacting her and telling her I want to work things out, but at the same time I don’t want her to feel like I just don’t care, where she'll eventually just forget about me and move on.

 

Though this week has been very hard on me, it has given me time to reconnect with some friends and family. More importantly, I can actually see things from her perspective now. There are things I need to work on to be a better man, not only for her, but for my life in general. It sucks that it has taken losing the girl I love more than anything to see this, but I guess that’s life.

 

I’ve come to this board seeking perspectives. My mother and sister tell me that she really just needs time, while my male friends and relatives are brutally honest in their opinion that she wants to end things permanently but just feels bad doing it. Have any of you out there gone through something like this? Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

 

-Al

[cottom]

Heres my story, we was together for 2 years. The first 1.5 we was the perfect couple and we worked amazingly, we went on holidays, we did everything for each other and never argued. We talked about marriage and children and things. Then she moved into uni accomodation, we still lived very close but i was working sat-mon and uni tue-fri and we hardly ever saw each other, we started having little fights here and there. All this time boys were constantly hitting on her, they would come visit her flat and hang out, take her out and stuff, they were constantly texting her, she said to me it was fine though cause they were just mates and it was banter. I tried my hardest to be there for her, i would buy her anything she wanted, i would help her with all her work, i would treat her and do so many romantic things for her. She said things like "i hate how comfortable we are with each other" and "you wouldnt do this stuff to random girls but we do it, were to comfortable with each other" during foreplay etc. She then said she wanted space to find out what she wanted and wanted a break to just have space from all boys. We met up 3 days later to get my laptop back and we kissed, 2 days later i found out she'd been meeting up with one of the guys that was hitting on her and messing around with him. I talked to her for a month about getting back together and the answer was always "after my exams we talk about it", we had low contact and her mom 12 days ago told me to give her time because she is just stressed from uni, and doesnt know what she wants. she finished her exams 10 days ago, i spoke to her last 11 days ago and she has been meeting up with this other kid all this time while ive been left on the side, her telling me she doesnt know what she wants etc. Her friends dont help either because they convince her she is single and free to go get on guys and she is over me. Rather than just give her space and time to think. I thought your story is very similar to mine so DO NOT LET HER KNOW THE BALL IS IN HER FIELD NOW she will just play around knowing you will always be sitting there waiting! SHOW HER YOU ARE MATURING AND GETTING ON WITH YOUR LIFE, dont tell her cause she will not believe and think you are lying, do it in public where she can see such as twitter or facebook etc... most important DONT HARRASS HER let her have space, her mind is already 90% made up, you constantly telling her to come back then will make her go away, girls are idiots you say "come back" and its reverse psychology, you say "go away" they say okay and do it...dont say anyhting and they dont know where they stand so they come looking for it, they will then assosciate that with wanting you because they want to know what your doing!

[Jon Lock]

Last week, my girlfriend of 2.5 years told me that she needed space to figure out her feelings. Our relationship was very good for the first two years, with talk of marriage and family and the like. But in the fall we started growing apart. We both work full time while in grad school, and though we live very close to each other and would still see each other most every day, things got hard and we would have little fights here and there.

 

The Honeymoon Period - I've seen it last years, but it wears off eventually and this is when reality hits home for a lot of couples: it's no longer plain sailing.

 

Eventually, I sat her down and asked her what I could do to try to make things better. Her response was that she felt “broken” inside, was “tired of being tired,” and just needed time to sort everything out.... As I was getting up to leave, she pulled me back and started to cry when she said “I love you and I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

And the Honeymoon Period has certainly worn off for her, and by the sounds of the "little fights", it's wearing off for you too.

 

This was nearly a week ago and we have not spoken since. I’m well aware of the fact that when a woman asks for space or a break, its her way of starting the breakup, and it will be an uphill battle to get her back. My gut instinct is to fight for her, but I know that I have to respect her decision if we are to have any hope in the future. I don’t want to come off as needy and smothering by contacting her and telling her I want to work things out, but at the same time I don’t want her to feel like I just don’t care, where she'll eventually just forget about me and move on.

Keep it NC. As hard as it is. It's the only way. Secondly, think of it this way: if she is going to forget about you and move on (that quick - i.e. a week!) - well then what is the point in you even worrying about it anyway? She's not. Does that not send a clear message?

 

I’ve come to this board seeking perspectives. My mother and sister tell me that she really just needs time, while my male friends and relatives are brutally honest in their opinion that she wants to end things permanently but just feels bad doing it. Have any of you out there gone through something like this? Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

And differing perspectives and opinions you may get. But remember that's all it is. I've come across many very wise words on this forum and people with far greater experience than I. But I advise you: be careful what you wish for. Talking really helps; it really and truly does (especially to family, close friends - and in more serious cases a counsellor). But if you are going to take advice from someone, including me, remember it is you who has to live with the consequences of the decisions you make, not any of us.

 

From my experience it seems as if your relationship has reached the plateau that all relationships reach. The honeymoon period has worn off. That's one aspect. Your girlfriends confidence issues are another. Why she feels "broken" none of us can answer. Why she feels "tired" ? It may well be she is just tired of the relationship and/or bored, fed-up etc.

 

She has asked for space and you have given it to her. But what is your situation? A 'break' ? Okay, so you're not talking but your still together? The whole 'break' issue always baffles me. On the one hand is it really any different to a 'break-up' ? You either want to be with someone or you don't. Then on the other hand I've heard of people going on 'breaks' ('officially' still together, yet in limited contact and not seeing or dating anyone else) for months on end and then getting back together and having a better relationship. I think it's just down to the couple.

 

For the moment keep doing what you're doing. Talking, reconnecting with family and friends and keeping your mind off the issue. She's certainly confused right now. Keep it NC and get on with your life. Don't wait.

[AlexfromBoston]

Last week, my girlfriend of 2.5 years told me that she needed space to figure out her feelings. Our relationship was very good for the first two years, with talk of marriage and family and the like. But in the fall we started growing apart. We both work full time while in grad school, and though we live very close to each other and would still see each other most every day, things got hard and we would have little fights here and there.

 

Eventually, I sat her down and asked her what I could do to try to make things better. Her response was that she felt “broken” inside, was “tired of being tired,” and just needed time to sort everything out. She also mentioned that she was having self-esteem and confidence issues, and felt as if she might not be "good enough" for me (she has had some mentally abusive relationships in the past). Though it killed me inside, I told her I understood and respected her decision, hoping that some time apart could make us better in the end. I assured her that she was more than good enough, more than what I deserve, but I could not convince her in that one conversation. We mutually agreed to not see other people during this time. As I was getting up to leave, she pulled me back and started to cry when she said “I love you and I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

 

This was nearly a week ago and we have not spoken since. I’m well aware of the fact that when a woman asks for space or a break, its her way of starting the breakup, and it will be an uphill battle to get her back. My gut instinct is to fight for her, but I know that I have to respect her decision if we are to have any hope in the future. I don’t want to come off as needy and smothering by contacting her and telling her I want to work things out, but at the same time I don’t want her to feel like I just don’t care, where she'll eventually just forget about me and move on.

 

Though this week has been very hard on me, it has given me time to reconnect with some friends and family. More importantly, I can actually see things from her perspective now. There are things I need to work on to be a better man, not only for her, but for my life in general. It sucks that it has taken losing the girl I love more than anything to see this, but I guess that’s life.

 

I’ve come to this board seeking perspectives. My mother and sister tell me that she really just needs time, while my male friends and relatives are brutally honest in their opinion that she wants to end things permanently but just feels bad doing it. Have any of you out there gone through something like this? Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.

 

-Al

 

The bottom line, in my opinion, is that your ex wants to end things but she feels bad for you. Essentially, she does not love you, but she still cares for you. Now, this could be tragic..I know, but it's not completely over. In fact, your best course of action would be to break the NC and give her a call and see how she is holding up. Let her know that you actually agree with her decision and think that a break would be good for the both of you. Let her know that you will always be there for her and give her space. You must understand that there is a slight chance that she met another guy that she might potentially be interested in. There is nothing you can do but respect her request for space. Just remain positive, meet new people, and work on looking your best. In a few weeks, maybe you can give another follow up call and see how she is doing. Then go NC for another period of time and maybe, after a month or so of distance, you could invite her out for coffee or drinks. Look your best, be confident, and dont show her too much interest. Be somewhat cold and unattached and don't jump immediately at her calls or texts. Put her on the backburner and enjoy your space.

[Balzac]

"(she has had some mentally abusive relationships in the past)."

 

This is the singular most revealing and relevant fact to focus on. I know that you love her but this is a red flag.