Bng105454 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I stared dating this guy right after a serious break up. We connected on a lot of levels, got along really well and had a wonderful relationship. Then I started having doubts, my boyfriend had gotten really busy with school (I'm 22 getting my Bachelors, he's 26 going back for is 2nd degree) I started feeling neglected and began missing my ex-boyfriend which I know is awful. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend at the time and after a few weeks my first ex and I started hooking up, even though my 2nd ex and I were trying to remain friends. I felt terribly guilty and ended things with my first ex, and told my2nd ex what had happened. This has happened twice and my first ex will no longer speak to me, understandably, I don't blame him. Now I'm at the point where I want to be able to salvage my friendship with my 2nd ex before something happens to ruin the connection we have. We recently told eachother some pretty intense secrets, he related to me about having severe ocd and now he feels closer to me than ever before. We haven't been hooking up for the past month I'd say, but we have been hanging out a lot and this past weekend we had sex several times. I thought it would be ok but now I just feel terrible. I tried talking to him last night about how I felt. I'm going over seas in September and I told him I didn't want to get attached to him, that I wanted us to go back to being friends but that I didn't want to keep having sex. He twisted it and said, "So you want to just **** whoever you want and then have me there just in case?" But I never said that. He said that I can't have my cake and eat it too, that either we start dating again or we don't talk anymore. But that doesn't seem right to me. I'm just trying to do what will be best for us ultimately. I don't want to keep having sex, but I want us to be able to share this great emotional connection we've developed over the past month. I've told him things I haven't told anyone else and I don't want to lose someone so important to me. I'm afraid sex is going to ruin that. After our talk last night we hung out and watched a movie and drank a few beers. He tried to initate sex with me but I refused. He spent the night because he was too tipsy to drive home and then this morning we ended up hooking up. After he left I had a really bad panic attack (I have some severe anxiety issues and have been dealing with them for years). Once I calmed down I realized this wasn't a good situation and I need to make it right somehow. My experience with my first ex has really opened my eyes to how wreckless and selfish I've been and this is me trying to make things right with my second ex. I might not be able to go back and make up for my past wrong doings, but I want to do right by my second ex. We work together and go to school together. I don't want this to be a negative experience, he's shared so much of himself with me and I want him to be able to talk to me when he is having problems with his ocd and all of the things we opened up about. It's ****ty for us to have opened up so much to eachother and then him tell me we cant even speak if I don't have sex with him! Maybe I'm wrong. I probably am. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now. I'm tired of hurting people, of feeling guilty for wanting to do what I want to do. I'm 22 years old, theres no reason I should feel so wretched and awful about myself, so I think my only solution is to break it off. I know I brought all of these bad feelings upon myself, that I probably deserve them, but I still feel like I'm not 100% to blame...I want a friendship and maybe that will come in time. I guess if he's not willing to be friends, he's not willing. I just cant keep having sex with him and be hurting like this, it's not ok. Am I leaning towards the right thing here? Please help me
will1988 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 You at first make it seem like he is crazy and at fault... but then you talk about him opening up to you, and vice versa... and then you saying no sex, and then you have sex with him. No wonder he went off on you. He was really confused as to what you wanted, you were telling him one thing but doing something else... and as they say, actions speak louder than words. I'd be confused as hell if I was in his situation. Your best bet is to try to get away from both your first and second ex, and just focus on yourself and your anxiety and self esteem issues. Your second ex sounds a little forceful, yes, but in all honesty he is probably tired of your wishy washy nature... therefore he sees that there is no options but to be together for real or to just have nothing to do with each other. In his mind's eye he can't put up with your drama and wish washyness, but he still likes you... that is why it is either one extreme or the other. As I said your best bet is to try to get away from him and the first guy. Even if the second ex says he wants to be your friend, most likely he just wants to be your friend so he can get back into your pants. Guys don't just sleep with someone and date someone a few times and then say "oh lets just be friends" and then never think about getting with them again. Thats not how we work. Esepcially since it seems like it ended badly, mostly because of your actions. Again, to avoid the **** storm of drama that is about to come (that you partial caused) you need to cut the ties with these two guys. Good luck!
flitzanu Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 you've been stringing along two different guys, one stopped talking to you and now you're worried the other is going to do the same thing. you don't want to be with him now, and you expect him to drop all feelings and just be your friend. his reaction is exactly accurate, that you want to go sleep with other people and him still be there to be your backup best friend. that's not plausible, and not fair to him if he still has feelings for you. 2
Coping Vortex Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 You're a cake eater. Such a cruel thing to do these guys. You are totally at fault. They should both dump you for good.
HaveFaithxx Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Some of the replies you have received may sound really harsh to you, but most of us on here have been dumped and see things from another perspective. I love my ex so much, when he broke up with me he said he still wanted to be my best friend still because " I mean so much to him, I'm an amazing person, and he learned so much from me." That did not feel good at all to hear that. I love him like I have never loved anyone before. Being friends does not make me feel good. I either want to be together, and if not then I want no contact because then I need to get over him. I cant be friends with him, if I want more. You are hurting him so much by what you are doing to him. Saying you want to be friends because you don't want to lose the connection you have is being completely selfish even though you don't mean to be. If he wants more than you, then you have to let him go. Stop sleeping with him. You are killing him, giving him false hope. Be clear on what you want. You only want to be friends. Ask him what he wants. Tell him you do not want any contact with him so that he can get over you and move on, so he can have the opportunity to meet someone that will love him completely. 3
Stoic44 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Men usually connect through physical intimacy. When you take that away voluntarily, without assuring your physical loyalty, he has every right to remove himself from your life as an emotional outlet. No dude wants to get used that way. I salute him for standing his ground.
flitzanu Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Some of the replies you have received may sound really harsh to you, but most of us on here have been dumped and see things from another perspective. I love my ex so much, when he broke up with me he said he still wanted to be my best friend still because " I mean so much to him, I'm an amazing person, and he learned so much from me." That did not feel good at all to hear that. I love him like I have never loved anyone before. Being friends does not make me feel good. I either want to be together, and if not then I want no contact because then I need to get over him. I cant be friends with him, if I want more. You are hurting him so much by what you are doing to him. Saying you want to be friends because you don't want to lose the connection you have is being completely selfish even though you don't mean to be. If he wants more than you, then you have to let him go. Stop sleeping with him. You are killing him, giving him false hope. Be clear on what you want. You only want to be friends. Ask him what he wants. Tell him you do not want any contact with him so that he can get over you and move on, so he can have the opportunity to meet someone that will love him completely. yes, this is the sensitive, feminine version of what i'm saying ^^^^ haha.
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