Finally found a marriage counsellor

[waterwoman]

Booked appointment for next Monday.

 

Nervous and not sure what to expect. H isn't keen as he doesn't like talking about his feelings. But he's willing to go along and I think he'll get stuck in.

 

I've had IC and the first few appointments felt odd and a bit uncomfortable, I am guessing that MC will feel even more so. What should we expect?

 

Thanks

[BetrayedH]

First session is like a data dump and "get to know you." I wouldn't expect much except to say that one of you will need to relay the story. I suspect your emotionally immature husband will be glad to leave it to you. Personally I think it might be good for you to hear him ramble for a while.

[BetrayedH]

I would also add that there are plenty of bad ICs and MCs out there that simply don't "get it" when it comes to infidelity. Conventional wisdom around here is to have three appointments and if there isn't a connection, move on to another.

 

I would make it clear to your husband that you're having three appointments with this counselor and if we don't like them, we're booking with someone else. And if he doesn't like it, there's the door. MC is not optional if he wants to reconcile.

[waterwoman]

Thanks BH,

 

he is BACP accredited and offers relationship counselling in particular. But there are no guarantees I guess. He had better not encourage rug-sweeping although I think I am past wanting to assign blame for the affair anyway, but I agree it can't be ignored. Too bloody big an elephant for that.

 

H knows it's a condition of my staying in the marriage.

[Summer Breeze]

I have no input on MC but I want to tell you how happy I am you two are doing this WW. Good luck!

[waterwoman]

I have no input on MC but I want to tell you how happy I am you two are doing this WW. Good luck!

 

Thank you my lovely

[jwi71]

Nervous and not sure what to expect. H isn't keen as he doesn't like talking about his feelings. But he's willing to go along and I think he'll get stuck in.

 

I've had IC and the first few appointments felt odd and a bit uncomfortable, I am guessing that MC will feel even more so. What should we expect?

Thanks

 

First, when you sit down at the MC and the pleasantries are done - turn to your H and say:

 

"Thank you for agreeing to this. I know its difficult and scary, especially for you, and I just wanted to tell you how much it means to me and our M that you are here"

 

Remember to thank him at the end as well - no matter how difficult the session. Thank him every time you leave the MC's office. And, in time, thank him every time he opens up a little at home.

 

A little encouragement goes a long way.

 

As to what to expect...well its going to be uncomfortable. I wouldn't expect him to simply open up the flood gates so to speak. Remember, given the portrait you paint, his BEING there is HUGE. That alone is a step in the right direction.

 

Do not worry or get angry if he doesn't open up. Or if he lies. This is all new to him and he's bound to be defensive and evasive. The goal is to work on communication - him talking and you listening. You get to listen because he has such a hard time talking. Again...its all about encouragement. No...I don't mean sit there like some wart - I mean when he's talking you aren't - practice active listening. You be honest.

 

Control yourself - it'll be excruciatingly hard at times.

Remember you are both her to IMPROVE things - that doesn't include calling him a scum-sucking weasel.

 

It'll be uncomfortable and hard and messy and imperfect and seemingly ineffective. At first. It takes time.

 

One step at a time...left foot right foot left foot and on and on.

 

Allow your IC and MC to speak and compare notes/observations.

 

The SAFER he feels the MORE he shares.

 

Good luck...keep us posted as events warrant - but this is a fantastic step.

[Furious]

WW

 

It was my husband, who was living in a hotel because I'd packed his suitcase and wished him well, who pleaded with me to go to marriage counseling. I told him to forget it, I didn't want MC, I wanted a divorce. After a few weeks I agreed to go for one session and see where it would go from there.

 

I had spoken privately with the MC before my visit to ask her a few questions and what my concerns were. I told her that until my husband was absolutely transparent and willing to answer any questions I had I would not be able to go along with MC.

 

Let me tell you, my husband was in for a surprise, he thought we could put the affair behind us and go immediately into how to be lovebirds again.

When he was told that the affair, the why's, and the how's had to be

addressed first, that is was essential he answer all my questions, even if it was the same question. He was told that it was imperative he do that in order to move toward a true reconciliation, or we'd be wasting her time and our money.

 

It wasn't smooth sailing, I quit MC quite a few times in those first months, cheaters are very resistant to opening up, and even though they say they're not lying, they still cling to omitting.

 

Also, I agree it's important that you thank him before and after the sessions, but it's even more important he thank you as well for giving him a second chance.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Furious

[BetrayedH]

Actually the cheater should be saying these words to the BS, not the other way around.

 

"Thank you for agreeing to this."

The BS should thank the cheater for agreeing to MC?

 

Yeah, that seems a stretch for me, too.

 

One thing my wife and I always did was to reconnect (just held hands, a hug and kiss) following each session before we got in our cars (usually to head back to work), regardless of how difficult the session was. I agree that the focus should be improvement.

[BetrayedH]

WW

 

It was my husband, who was living in a hotel because I'd packed his suitcase and wished him well, who pleaded with me to go to marriage counseling. I told him to forget it, I didn't want MC, I wanted a divorce. After a few weeks I agreed to go for one session and see where it would go from there.

 

I had spoken privately with the MC before my visit to ask her a few questions and what my concerns were. I told her that until my husband was absolutely transparent and willing to answer any questions I had I would not be able to go along with MC.

 

Let me tell you, my husband was in for a surprise, he thought we could put the affair behind us and go immediately into how to be lovebirds again.

When he was told that the affair, the why's, and the how's had to be

addressed first, that is was essential he answer all my questions, even if it was the same question. He was told that it was imperative he do that in order to move toward a true reconciliation, or we'd be wasting her time and our money.

 

It wasn't smooth sailing, I quit MC quite a few times in those first months, cheaters are very resistant to opening up, and even though they say they're not lying, they still cling to omitting.

 

Also, I agree it's important that you thank him before and after the sessions, but it's even more important he thank you as well for giving him a second chance.

 

A lot of wisdom in this post. Definitely wish I had been much tougher in my reconciliation and not accepted omission, rugsweeping, and lies.

[Spark1111]

WW, it is also important that you and your H respect the counselor. Give it three sessions max, and if either he or you do not feel a rapport, please move on.

 

Also, I believe you have every righT to INTERVIEW them, not just their credentials, but ARE THEY happily married and for how long? fair question, no?

 

Also, do not be insulted if they spend an inordinate amount of time building a rapport with H. The cheater KNOWS they will be in the hot seat and remain guarded and defensive for a long time. Not helpful.

 

Initially, the goal will be to establish trust with your H. Do not take offense.

[waterwoman]

Right. Thanks for your replies. I have been thinking about the MC and realising I am really hopeful but also really nervous.

 

My hope is that he (therapist) can find a way to increase communication. Remove the emotional log jam that H has so he can talk to me. H says he isn't thinking about much more than football or work most of the time - but I refuse to beleive that an intelligent man can have no internal emotional conversation going on. I hope that he can learn to tell me how he feels more freely. I would also love for H to feel encouraged to seek further help with all his stupid baggage! I feel like I've been carrying it as well on his behalf and I'd like to stop!!

 

My fear, apart from nothing happening at all, is that what H will find his voice just to communicate to me is that he still loves OW. He is only staying with me out of duty and fear but he couldn't bring himself to tell me. Urgh!

 

But whatever happens I guess it needs to.

[waterwoman]

Also, do not be insulted if they spend an inordinate amount of time building a rapport with H. The cheater KNOWS they will be in the hot seat and remain guarded and defensive for a long time. Not helpful.

 

Initially, the goal will be to establish trust with your H. Do not take offense.

 

Thanks spark. I won't be insulted - I'd be delighted. After all I'm perfect already

[Jonah]

Booked appointment for next Monday.

 

Nervous and not sure what to expect. H isn't keen as he doesn't like talking about his feelings. But he's willing to go along and I think he'll get stuck in.

 

I've had IC and the first few appointments felt odd and a bit uncomfortable, I am guessing that MC will feel even more so. What should we expect?

 

Thanks

 

Hush up and let him have the floor! He would love nothing more than you to eat up the whole session unloading on the counselor. Ask short, easy yet hard to answer questions! Dig into the bone!

[TaraMaiden]

My hope is that he (therapist) can find a way to increase communication. Remove the emotional log jam that H has so he can talk to me. H says he isn't thinking about much more than football or work most of the time - but I refuse to beleive that an intelligent man can have no internal emotional conversation going on. I hope that he can learn to tell me how he feels more freely. I would also love for H to feel encouraged to seek further help with all his stupid baggage! I feel like I've been carrying it as well on his behalf and I'd like to stop!!

 

My fear, apart from nothing happening at all, is that what H will find his voice just to communicate to me is that he still loves OW. He is only staying with me out of duty and fear but he couldn't bring himself to tell me. Urgh!

 

But whatever happens I guess it needs to.

 

I think at this point, what you must understand fully - and also communicate to H too - is that:

 

Counselling is not designed to keep people together, necessarily.

 

Counselling is a medium for helping you both to communicate properly, safely and with someone present who can steer the discussion and prevent it from becoming an abusive slanging match.

 

It puts you both (to mix metaphors) on a level playing field, viewing the same page.

 

 

With effective discussion in mind, and a joint aim to try to draw something positive from the issue, your counsellor will certainly try to get your H to evince his feelings and emotions, honestly and safely - but the hard work will be up to you both.

 

It's not up to the Counsellor to increase communication. That will be up to him, and to you.

Opening up and really laying your thoughts, feelings and emotions on the line, is not up to the Therapist to orchestrate.

And unfortunately, I have been present in counselling sessions where it has been absolutely blatantly clear that one partner was really resistant, reluctant, or just withholding completely. Even to the point of bare-faced lying, to avoid 'facing their demons'.

What's more, sadly, there's nothing any amount of therapy or counselling can do to change that, if the person will not permit the change to occur.

 

And if this -

 

H isn't keen as he doesn't like talking about his feelings.

 

- is the case, then prepare yourself for that.

[waterwoman]

Hmmm.... I don't know what to expect then. When I saw my IC it took me about 1 minute to burst into tears and spill my guts But that's me. What should I do ? I am already nervous. Are we wasting our time and money?

[BetrayedH]

Hmmm.... I don't know what to expect then. When I saw my IC it took me about 1 minute to burst into tears and spill my guts But that's me. What should I do ? I am already nervous. Are we wasting our time and money?

 

I don't think so at all. For a WS, it can be a relatively safe place to have an affair-related discussion. MC was the one place where my wife opened up. I think a third party mediating makes it feel that way. There tends to be some influence to prevent it from becoming a screaming match (like what might happen at home). Personally, I think MC is a good way to encourage dialogue and to have a person with some education on the subject guide you toward agreement.

 

But I think cautions are in order, too. As for me, my wife lied and my MC was not the type to confront that. He took people at their word (said he had to). And a MC can't make a WS open up if they don't wanna. My wife was happy to sit there and let me vent because every minute I spoke (or that the MC spoke) was one where she didn't have to. It was clear as day. I think it CAN be very helpful but it sure isn't guaranteed to be a silver bullet if your H wants to clam up. You also have to bear in mind that the MC is still a person. That's just to say that some of 'em are dumb regardless of all the abbreviations after their last name.

 

I'm wih Spark. 3 appts and if you don't both feel a connection, move to another one.

 

As a more general statement, I think most people are just encouraging you to let your H do the talking whenever possible. From my experience, it's harder to do than expected.

 

I also noticed that when my wife would talk, it became very apparent that she felt little need to discuss the affair and much of her reason for being there was to get us to address other marital problems (finances, kids, and so on). Sometimes it seemed like once we would get her to talking, it would be about something else (something that I needed to fix). I did my best to understand that she had marital concerns and they needed to be addressed as well. Some say that waits until after we clean up the affair; some say to multi-task. I know that waiting a week for one hour of this got pretty frustrating but it was a forum for dialogue that we needed.

Edited January 27, 2013 by BetrayedH

[anne1707]

As a fWS, I have to say that MC played a major part in helping my H and I reconcile. It will be difficult, it will hurt - you will probably both say things that cause pain. But they need to be said. We always made a point of hugging each other on leaving each MC session. We recognised that it provided us with a safe environment where we could talk about what had happened and work our way through it. We also made a point of not dragging up what had been said in MC outside of sessions - unless the MC wanted us to do some "homework".

 

The changing of counsellors if not working is spot on. After 3 sessions with our first, I was just not at all comfortable with him. I felt as if he was judging and looking down on me when IMO that is not the point. We asked to change and it was not a problem. Professional counsellors recognise that they are not going to suit everybody. The second counsellor asked pretty much identical questions but I felt much more comfortable opening up to her.

[Summer Breeze]

Hmmm.... I don't know what to expect then. When I saw my IC it took me about 1 minute to burst into tears and spill my guts But that's me. What should I do ? I am already nervous. Are we wasting our time and money?

 

BH hit the big points. The one thing I'd want to add is that even if it doesn't work and a few years down the road you end up D, at least you know you've tried everything you possibly can WW. Be nervous, that's fine. It's a big step but it's a good one. Breathe deep and keep doing everything you can. Then the get the kettle on when you get home!

[waterwoman]

Wow! Feel like I've been hit by a bus this morning. So does H. So so tired.

 

It was OK. Counsellor got us to talk about ourselves for 5 mins. Then he got both of us to talk for 15 mins about our marriage - we weren't allowed to interrupt each other!! Then got to comment for 5 minutes afterwards on what the other had said. H's account was very similar to the way I see things - no major discprepancies. He is very aware of his shortcomings pre-affair. He only got angry once - when I tried to take blame for things he didn't see as my fault.

 

We didn't talk much about the affair - I didn't want to at that time - but that will be addressed more next time.

 

At one point counsellor asked H how he felt when I got angry about the affair - H said it was no more than he deserved. When H asked him how he felt he said he didnt know and I piped up that that was when I got frustrated!! When pressed H said he felt a void inside, like there was nothing there. They talked a bit more and he admitted that he had to swallow his feelings because once he started dealing with them they wouldn't stop Poor bugger. They talked a bit about H's dad and his crappy childhood. And therein lies the kernel of it all IMO.

 

Chap said we can go and see him as individuals rather than as a couple at any point - if we both agree. I HOPE H will ask to do so.

 

But honestly it helped. It's a start. But i need to sleep.. for a month.