mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 My ex and I dated very briefly... The break up was not exactly amicable (I initiated) and he kind of took it bad. Like really bad. He said to me he stared dating someone else like right away and I was like cool. When I mentioned I wanted to date someone else too, he went nuts. Like crazy nuts. Anyway, it has been like almost a week of NC and last nite I was 99% sure he drove by my house. I do not know what to make of it. Any thoughts? Should I be worried?
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 yeah, put a sign in your window, "There's nobody else here, <ex's name> so just keep driving, bud." Be sure you have absolutely no contact with him, but keep all records of attempts by him, texts, emails, phone messages,.... you may need them as evidence of stalking, if you need a restraining order on him.......
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 yeah, put a sign in your window, "There's nobody else here, <ex's name> so just keep driving, bud." Be sure you have absolutely no contact with him, but keep all records of attempts by him, texts, emails, phone messages,.... you may need them as evidence of stalking, if you need a restraining order on him....... wow, restraining order. I really hope it does not come to that. We dated like very briefly.
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 wow, restraining order. I really hope it does not come to that. We dated like very briefly. My ex and I dated very briefly... The break up was not exactly amicable (I initiated) and he kind of took it bad. Like really bad. He said to me he stared dating someone else like right away and I was like cool. When I mentioned I wanted to date someone else too, he went nuts. Like crazy nuts. Anyway, it has been like almost a week of NC and last nite I was 99% sure he drove by my house. I do not know what to make of it. Any thoughts? Should I be worried? Doesn't sound normal behaviour to me, for such a short 'relationship'....
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Doesn't sound normal behaviour to me, for such a short 'relationship'.... yeap he was not acting like all there... but I thought it was cause he was drunk of sorts. If he is actually driving by my house then yeah, it is like a lot of investment for a very brief relationship.
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Meh. Not really a big deal unless it happens repeatedly. A lot of people do a drive bys post BU....and they aren't stalkers. Seeking behavior is part of the mourning process. It is only a problem if the guy starts showing up all the time.
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Sadly, in this day and age, it doesn't do to discount 'crazy behaviour'. There are a series of adverts on UK TV currently, attempting to bring mental issues out into the open, and not make them a taboo subject.... But you know what they say: "One out of every four people has a serious mental problem. if you're with three friends, and they're fine - it's you....."
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) Meh. Not really a big deal unless it happens repeatedly. A lot of people do a drive bys post BU....and they aren't stalkers. Seeking behavior is part of the mourning process. It is only a problem if the guy starts showing up all the time. I do not want to be paranoid, but driving by a person's house is not normal. Sounds stalkerish to me. JMO I do not know in which context driving unannounced by someone's house is normal Edited January 22, 2013 by mayita
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Like i said if he keeps showing up id worry.
AlexDP Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 My ex and I dated very briefly... The break up was not exactly amicable (I initiated) and he kind of took it bad. Like really bad. He said to me he stared dating someone else like right away and I was like cool. When I mentioned I wanted to date someone else too, he went nuts. Like crazy nuts. Anyway, it has been like almost a week of NC and last nite I was 99% sure he drove by my house. I do not know what to make of it. Any thoughts? Should I be worried? A drive by is always a sign of excellent mental health.
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 A drive by is always a sign of excellent mental health. REALLY? Like perfect stalker of sorts?
AlexDP Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 REALLY? Like perfect stalker of sorts? Of course not. It means he's a lunatic. 1
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Of course not. It means he's a lunatic. he did say some crazy stuff last time we talked but i thought he was just drunk. But last night it would be almost a week of nc. If he has a gf, he should be having sex with her instead of stalking me. Just sayin
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Of course not. It means he's a lunatic. Listen i bet not many people will admit this on this forum but i will. My last breakup prior to this one i drove by my exs 2 times and cried driving back home. I dont know if I wanted to go up and talk to her 1 last time or i was so used to going there. It was a super painful moment for me in the post BU and it was in the 1st 2 weeks after the breakup. I also know friends that have done this and my current ex had 2 boyfriends who drove by post BU. Doesn't seem that uncommon. Was it healthy...NO. am i a stalker NO WAY. Anyway id let id go unless he keeps on showing up.
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Listen i bet not many people will admit this on this forum but i will. My last breakup prior to this one i drove by my exs 2 times and cried driving back home. I dont know if I wanted to go up and talk to her 1 last time or i was so used to going there. It was a super painful moment for me in the post BU and it was in this was the 1st 2 weeks after the breakup. I also know friends that have done this and my current ex had 2 boyfriends who drove by post BU. Doesn't seem that uncommon. Was it healthy...NO. am i a stalker NO WAY. Anyway id let id go unless he keeps on showing up. we dated for less than a month... so i don't think your experience applies to this situation. And not to be rude but please do not do it again. it is stalkerish behavior. I was scared.
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Well you do have a good point on the less than a month thing and the fact that he went nuts when you told him about dating other guys. My break up was long term and amicable. She wouldn't have been worried if i had come to her door to talk with her. I just decided against it.
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Well you do have a good point on the less than a month thing and the fact that he went nuts when you told him about dating other guys. My break up was long term and amicable. She wouldn't have been worried if i had come to her door to talk with her. I just decided against it. we dated very briefly and my intuition was telling me he is not the person I thought he was, and I was right. I mean I was thinking we could remain happy hour friends. I never expected his reaction. His crazy reaction. It is not like I was crazy upset over the other woman. I was pretty calm to be honest.
Samilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I would write the date and time down. I would also give a call to the police, see what they say.
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 we dated very briefly and my intuition was telling me he is not the person I thought he was, and I was right. I mean I was thinking we could remain happy hour friends. I never expected his reaction. His crazy reaction. It is not like I was crazy upset over the other woman. I was pretty calm to be honest. Yeah just be careful if he had a crazy reaction . It is tough to really know someone in a month so i bet this really surprised and scared you. I'm sure it was nothing but better safe than sorry. Hopefully you'll never hear from or see him again Cav
Coping Vortex Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I don't think an ex driving by is a big deal unless its gets excessive. I have had many ex GF's admitted they drove by and I have done it a few times myself. No stopping, just driving by, full speed. Now that being said my Ex's ex husband did officially stalk us. He waited across the street until we came out of her house the next morning. He took the day off of work just to stalk us. We got into her car to go to work and he approached us. she got out confronted him told him to leave he said "he wanted to see who she was ****ing" Then she got back in the car and he started to follow us on the highway. We made several turns and ended up on a parking lot and trapped us in the parking lot. We were freaking to say the least. Who knows what someone will do when they are crazy. My ex was driving she backed up and we escaped and headed to a police station. He finally gave up and went to her place of work and waited for her. That my friends is stalking. In fact that even actually had a hand in our BU. I was freaked that the guy was going off the deep end. I backed off staying over night at her place for awhile. My ex felt like I shouldn't care what her ex husband thinks but i told her we need to keep it quiet for a few weeks. It bothered my ex that I let him get to us and that helped excelerate her BU up with me. She figured it was an excuse not move in with her which is what she wanted and the main issue we had. But I was scared this dude was going to flip out and shoot us one day. Who knows what happens when people snap. She always said he was harmless and I asked after this incident "what do you think now?" That dick head's stalking didn't help our situation. 1
Author mayita Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I don't think an ex driving by is a big deal unless its gets excessive. I have had many ex GF's admitted they drove by and I have done it a few times myself. No stopping, just driving by, full speed. It is a big deal to me. We dated for 1 month. Might I ask you why people do stuff like that?
cavalier99 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 This is from the book by Susan J Elliott. This is the stage when you might find yourself driving by your EX's or pick up the phone to call and hangup. It is not necessarily stalking Searching After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search. Even people who have experienced the death of a loved one experience the urge to search. They will look for a deceased person in a crowd or find themselves dialing them on the phone. This is a normal and natural part of the grief process where the mind tries to suspend reality and put things back the way it was. When the person is alive and there was a breakup, this is often when people will try to open up communications with the ex. Recognize that the urge to search is part of the grieving process and you should not act on it. When you are pining and searching, you are in a temporary state and anything you say now can and will be held against you at a later date. It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect. The desire to search for and recover that which has been lost is a very primal desire and it feels like a compulsion or an impulse that must be acted upon. Don’t do it. It’s not going to help. Tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. It gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes and that it gets better. You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends. You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS. 1
Coping Vortex Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 This is from the book by Susan J Elliott. This is the stage when you might find yourself driving by your EX's or pick up the phone to call and hangup. It is not necessarily stalking Searching After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search. Even people who have experienced the death of a loved one experience the urge to search. They will look for a deceased person in a crowd or find themselves dialing them on the phone. This is a normal and natural part of the grief process where the mind tries to suspend reality and put things back the way it was. When the person is alive and there was a breakup, this is often when people will try to open up communications with the ex. Recognize that the urge to search is part of the grieving process and you should not act on it. When you are pining and searching, you are in a temporary state and anything you say now can and will be held against you at a later date. It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do SOMETHING but don’t connect. The desire to search for and recover that which has been lost is a very primal desire and it feels like a compulsion or an impulse that must be acted upon. Don’t do it. It’s not going to help. Tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. It gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes and that it gets better. You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends. You can get through the feelings. It’s all just temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS. I have this book!!!! I have been reading it this week! 1
Coping Vortex Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 It is a big deal to me. We dated for 1 month. Might I ask you why people do stuff like that? I think its a cathartic way to feel connected to the other person. If you see their car is there you can fantasize of what they could be doing. Plus I think it brings you closer to them in away. You are feet away form the person you love. somehow brings you closer. Sometimes people want to see if there is strange car in the driveway. That confirms their suspicions as to whether that person moved on. None of that is what I consider stalking though. My story form previous post was real full on stalking.
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