How Much Is Too Much Sharing?

January 22, 2013

Just wanting your opinion here.

My self-confidence is wrecked after being dumped twice in a year. I always get dumped (as you can see in a previous post) and I've really been trying to figure out why.

I was talking to my mom about it and she says she thinks I scare men off because I "share too much" and therefore could come across as needy. In the first relationship in which I was dumped this year, the guy called me 90% of the time and most of our conversations were about him, his feelings and his relationships. I did share with him that I am scared to be dumped because it's happened before....my mom says this is why he dumped me for sharing that. There is a lot about me he doesn't know. He ended up dumping me for someone else and had unknowingly fathered a baby that I miscarried.

The second guy, I'd say we made equal effort, although I may have made a bit more because he was busier than guy number 1...but he came to see me (drove 30 miles 3-4 times a week, etc.). When I started to really like him, I told him it scared me a bit because I always get dumped by men I like....my mom says this is the mistake. He also knew about the baby, but only because it was something that had affected our relationship (as in I was still emotionally dealing with it and I thought it wasn't fair to hide why I was upset sometimes....it's not something we talked about a lot or that I was upset about a lot...just a few times but the way the situation was working, I felt he had a right to know). My mom also says telling him that was a mistake. Like with the first one, there was a lot about me I didn't reveal to him as it wasn't appropriate at that point or irrelevant.

Now I'm just confused. They both told me about past relationships and their fears in relationships....so do you not ever express this? My mom says it makes me appear needy, but I've never been called needy by a guy...ever. In fact, I tend to give guys lots of space....if anything the first guy was very needy and it was difficult for me.

I've heard of a lot of guys being with girls that have attempted suicide, that have eating disorders, etc. and have stayed with them. In fact, the guy who left me for another girl is with a girl who frequently suffers from very awful panic attacks and has health issues...but evidently my mom thinks this is not something to share with a partner.

Obviously with these guys, I never shared anything big like those things in the first few dates or anything, but as our relationship deepened, I did open up more. I thought that was natural.

Edited January 22, 2013 by unluckyinlove4

January 22, 2013

Stop listening to your mom. Sure, people can share more than a new partner wants to hear. I agree that you shouldn't dump all your dirty laundry on someone within the first three dates or anything (although men seem to do that to me all the time), but it's not the absolute disaster your mom seems to think it is.

If you're unsure, try not telling the next guy your fears about being dumped. Honestly, I think most people have that fear when they are dating so it's not like you gave him your entire medical history or anything.

January 22, 2013

I agree with DC4. It comes across as insecure. You can share things, but if you're really scared of being dumped, you need to work on ridding yourself of that emotional baggage. Then it won't even be a factor.

There is nothing wrong with sharing with a guy, but especially in the beginning I think you should keep it happier and more fun. If there is something they need to know, don't tell them until they need to know it.

January 22, 2013

I agree with DC4. It comes across as insecure. You can share things, but if you're really scared of being dumped, you need to work on ridding yourself of that emotional baggage. Then it won't even be a factor.

There is nothing wrong with sharing with a guy, but especially in the beginning I think you should keep it happier and more fun. If there is something they need to know, don't tell them until they need to know it.

I haven't told them anything they don't need to know until it's right, I feel. I shared with the guys I was scared of getting dumped like 4 months into each relationship after having long chats about relationships, past and present. It's not like I was on date 4 "Guess what? I'm scared of getting dumped!" It was more something sharing in the middle of emotional intimacy, both of us talking about relationships and fears in them....they shared some of their insecurities with me as well and I wasn't like "OMG GET OUT." (And I've never been dumped directly after sharing that, it's always been months later.)

As for the miscarriage thing, it's not something I would share with a future partner so quickly (we were about three months in before he knew), but because it was affecting our relationship at the time I told him about it. He had also had a similar experience, but maybe he did judge me for it, I dunno.

January 22, 2013

Well what were their reasons for dumping you?

I don't think long discussions about past relationships are necessary, perhaps they learned things about you from those discussions that they didn't like. I would not go into crazy detail about past relationships, tbh I basically just say how many I've had and when the last one ended.

January 22, 2013

Well what were their reasons for dumping you?

The past two guys, well the first one is a bit muddled. He shared with me that he had issues with cheating and we were in an LDR (I was moving to where he was in about four months for a job), but weren't "official", and he started to see a friend of his and neglected to tell me and then lied about it to both me and her. She is still with him, evidently, but he also doesn't want me to know he's with her. I told him I didn't want to see him, but he says he was going to see how it went with her until I came and I said that wasn't acceptable and I didn't want to have a future with him if he could treat both of us so callously. So I guess in that regard, he didn't dump me, more acted like a douche until I dumped him.

The second guy just "wasn't feeling it," but to be honest I wasn't in love with him either....and I was okay with dating him for the now and not really expect marriage, etc. out of it. He was in one long-term relationship and stuck with it so long out of duty (there was a kid involved) and since the dissolution of that relationship, he's not had any relationships longer than 6 months or so and is always online dating. I think he's mentally not ready for a relationship and kind of wants to screw around, but won't admit that to himself if that makes sense?

January 22, 2013

Yes, you're sharing too much. With your Mom.

January 22, 2013

Yes, you're sharing too much. With your Mom.

You're not the first one to tell me that!

January 22, 2013

i happen to think your mom is right and sharing with your mom to get advice is not a bad thing. if she's a friend and you value her opinion than ask and seek out what she says. my mom has also said to me at times that if you tell a guy something, like you've been dumped/absued/hurt before, that he is more likely to do it because it shapes his opinion of you. i'm not sure why you feel like you have to tell men you've been dumped or share your relationship fears with them at all?? why even go there? just keep it inside and work on working through your issue privately. i don't think it makes you appear needy as much as insecure and that isn't an attractive quality, so perhaps things go down when they perceive you as such.

January 22, 2013

i happen to think your mom is right and sharing with your mom to get advice is not a bad thing. if she's a friend and you value her opinion than ask and seek out what she says. my mom has also said to me at times that if you tell a guy something, like you've been dumped/absued/hurt before, that he is more likely to do it because it shapes his opinion of you. i'm not sure why you feel like you have to tell men you've been dumped or share your relationship fears with them at all?? why even go there? just keep it inside and work on working through your issue privately. i don't think it makes you appear needy as much as insecure and that isn't an attractive quality, so perhaps things go down when they perceive you as such.

That is really interesting. It seems weird though because it seems like it would be something that would come up in relationships when talking about past ones. All of the guys I've been with have shared a lot about their relationships and exactly how they all ended--even if they were dumped and hurt. But maybe it does make them not want to be with me, I dunno.

January 22, 2013

I'm not justifying the way those guys treated you but for the future guys don't like too much detail about their as yet committed g/f and other men. Those are "intimacies" that should be kept for when there is a real bond of trust that this guy won't dump you because of something you've told him. It's not even clear why these particular guys left you. Another tip is to stop calling it "dumped"--that's you adding a subjective layer of harshness and hurt to a relationship that just didn't work out. Expect that people not all trustworthy.

I'll give you an example. I had had what I though was an intimate relationship. One night we were being very honest. She discloses to me that she had had an abortion. I didn't need to know that and I wish I didn't because what am I supposed to do with that? Be gleeful? It was about some "theater" of her life with another man and she was under age (16). Tends to make you wonder how reckless of a cock hound was she. But instead of voicing any displeasure, I talked a bit about the fact that my previous g/f decided not to abort and also had to suffer the drama. She gave me props for being so understanding. Somehow however overnight she twisted everything and made it all about me telling her something she didn't need to hear and that she thinks I still love that ex. I felt so betrayed I wanted it over. I packed everything that was a gift or was hers in my apartment and was going to drive by her house and leave it on the porch. In retrospect I should have because she turned out to have BPD--borderline personality disorder and had a complex so weird it was toxic as hell. I took her back only to have ups and downs--where the downs came viciously after the ups and crushed me. I don't trust anyone myself after that. Perhaps the guys you were with had some kind of experience with this too and your disclosing your fear of abandonment is as much instability as they want to see. Sorry.

January 22, 2013

I'm not justifying the way those guys treated you but for the future guys don't like too much detail about their as yet committed g/f and other men. Those are "intimacies" that should be kept for when there is a real bond of trust that this guy won't dump you because of something you've told him. It's not even clear why these particular guys left you. Another tip is to stop calling it "dumped"--that's you adding a subjective layer of harshness and hurt to a relationship that just didn't work out. Expect that people not all trustworthy.

I'll give you an example. I had had what I though was an intimate relationship. One night we were being very honest. She discloses to me that she had had an abortion. I didn't need to know that and I wish I didn't because what am I supposed to do with that? Be gleeful? It was about some "theater" of her life with another man and she was under age (16). Tends to make you wonder how reckless of a cock hound was she. But instead of voicing any displeasure, I talked a bit about the fact that my previous g/f decided not to abort and also had to suffer the drama. She gave me props for being so understanding. Somehow however overnight she twisted everything and made it all about me telling her something she didn't need to hear and that she thinks I still love that ex. I felt so betrayed I wanted it over. I packed everything that was a gift or was hers in my apartment and was going to drive by her house and leave it on the porch. In retrospect I should have because she turned out to have BPD--borderline personality disorder and had a complex so weird it was toxic as hell. I took her back only to have ups and downs--where the downs came viciously after the ups and crushed me. I don't trust anyone myself after that. Perhaps the guys you were with had some kind of experience with this too and your disclosing your fear of abandonment is as much instability as they want to see. Sorry.

Maybe, and I'm sorry you went through that. But most of my boyfriends have shared with me a lot about their past relationships and no one included anything like that.

January 22, 2013

The past two guys, well the first one is a bit muddled. He shared with me that he had issues with cheating and we were in an LDR (I was moving to where he was in about four months for a job), but weren't "official"

[.....]

The second guy just "wasn't feeling it," but to be honest I wasn't in love with him either....and I was okay with dating him for the now and not really expect marriage, etc. out of it. He was in one long-term relationship and stuck with it so long out of duty (there was a kid involved) and since the dissolution of that relationship, he's not had any relationships longer than 6 months or so and is always online dating. I think he's mentally not ready for a relationship and kind of wants to screw around, but won't admit that to himself if that makes sense?

So - just like about 80% of the ladies that come here with this sort of issue - the problem is that you pick complete losers.

When will you all learn? You need to watch a man's character, not just date any Tom, Dick or Harry and then be surprised when he turns out to be some c**k.

When you mentioned in your original post that with the first guy you mainly talked about him and his issues I knew you were with some self-absorbed douche. Why date a guy who had cheating issues? Were you looking to get cheated on on purpose? No? Why do it then? I don't know how much you knew about the second one but why date someone you are meh about? Especially when you feel it's mutual?

How about quality control?

The second one might have been something to do with the 'baby' you mention since he had some kid issues if I read it right but yeah, you need to up the quality.

Edited January 22, 2013 by Emilia

January 22, 2013

Sharing your experiences and feelings is good. Sharing the deepest of these with an SO is one of the reasons to have an SO.

But, and it's big, don't put your confidant on the spot. Don't tell your new boss that your old boss hated you. Don't tell your new friend that your old friend betrayed you. Don't tell your new boyfriend that your old boyfriend dumped you. See how you're creating a challenge (Don't you dare dump me)? How you're raising concerns that would otherwise not come up (She still likes him)?

Like Frisky wrote, skip the word dumped.

If things work out in a close relationship, you'll have the chance later to tell your boyfriend how wonderful he is compared to past boyfriends. It's deep sharing, it's positive, and it makes you both feel good.

January 22, 2013

I did share with him that I am scared to be dumped because it's happened before....my mom says this is why he dumped me for sharing that.

I agree with your mother. Not because it comes off as needy, but because it makes you low value. Guys love to have their ego stroked and dating a girl who keeps getting dumped by other guys doesn't do that. It's almost like walking into a job interview and talking about how you keep getting fired by everyone else. Doesn't help at all.

I wish attraction wasn't based large part on what the rest of society thinks about the person but it is. So try and build yourself up in the other persons eyes instead of devaluing. Talk about a high status male you might have dated next time instead of how you think you're unworthy of dating the guy you're talking to and afraid to get dumped.

January 22, 2013

I agree with your mother. Not because it comes off as needy, but because it makes you low value. Guys love to have their ego stroked and dating a girl who keeps getting dumped by other guys doesn't do that. It's almost like walking into a job interview and talking about how you keep getting fired by everyone else. Doesn't help at all.

I wish attraction wasn't based large part on what the rest of society thinks about the person but it is. So try and build yourself up in the other persons eyes instead of devaluing. Talk about a high status male you might have dated next time instead of how you think you're unworthy of dating the guy you're talking to and afraid to get dumped.

Weird...they've told me they've been dumped and hurt and I don't care.

January 22, 2013

and it's usually the thing you fear most that happens... and it's usually your actions that cause it....

I wish someone would tell me what those actions are!

January 22, 2013

it can be a whole bunch of things....

you are demonstrating to your boyfriends that you have no value, by saying 'oh, I keep getting dumped'

who wants to be with someone like that???

by allowing someone to go on and on and on about them, you are showing you don't value your time and life which can be talked about too... it's one sided - you become a counsellor, not a hot sexy girlfriend...

there could be more, I don't know... maybe you are ALWAYS there for them, always take their calls, texts, emails etc...

maybe you are always available for dates, or easy dates (sitting at home)

or it could be that you get too involved too fast and scare the s**t out of them!

I'm not saying this is all your fault mind you, maybe you'll find a guy that loves all that... just maybe shut up about being dumped soooo much... :love:

Haha I don't prattle on about it, they just know I've been dumped before. Definitely don't get involved too fast...all of them have said they wanted to marry me wayyyy before I even considered it.

I am there for them, but the last guy I was with always told me he really appreciated that when he was with me, I didn't play games and that I was really honest....who knows.

January 22, 2013

The second guy just "wasn't feeling it," but to be honest I wasn't in love with him either....and I was okay with dating him for the now and not really expect marriage, etc. out of it. He was in one long-term relationship and stuck with it so long out of duty (there was a kid involved) and since the dissolution of that relationship, he's not had any relationships longer than 6 months or so and is always online dating. I think he's mentally not ready for a relationship and kind of wants to screw around, but won't admit that to himself if that makes sense?

You werent interested in him but yet you still wanted to date him. In other words---using him for free meals and entertainment.

He likely saw into this.

He is likely ready to date---but he wants to date someone that is worth it and he sees having a future with. why waste your time dating someone if you feel this is not going to lead to marriage. Usually at the 6 month mark you have learned enough about the person to answer that question.

January 22, 2013

You werent interested in him but yet you still wanted to date him. In other words---using him for free meals and entertainment.

He likely saw into this.

He is likely ready to date---but he wants to date someone that is worth it and he sees having a future with. why waste your time dating someone if you feel this is not going to lead to marriage. Usually at the 6 month mark you have learned enough about the person to answer that question.

I wasn't using him at all. I very much enjoyed his company...I don't see that as using someone. I was interested for the moment, I just wasn't sure it was marriage material....a lot of people are in relationships like that.

January 22, 2013

He is likely ready to date---but he wants to date someone that is worth it and he sees having a future with. why waste your time dating someone if you feel this is not going to lead to marriage. Usually at the 6 month mark you have learned enough about the person to answer that question.

ACK! Not everyone is dating to get married. I'd have to part ways with a man if that was his goal-sizing me up for marriage material after 6 months. LTR, sure, with the right guy. Marriage? No thanks!

January 22, 2013

ACK! Not everyone is dating to get married. I'd have to part ways with a man if that was his goal-sizing me up for marriage material after 6 months. LTR, sure, with the right guy. Marriage? No thanks!

I'm not sure either of us were looking for marriage right away anyway. You don't have to date to get married!

January 22, 2013

Unlucky, the answer is obvious: you've been unlucky.

Quality guys will appreciate your openness, and they have enough self-confidence to not be worried by the fact that some douchebags dumped you.

4 months into a relationship there should be no risk in sharing such insecurities.

To conclude: this guy here doesn't agree with your mom.

January 23, 2013

Unlucky, the answer is obvious: you've been unlucky.

Quality guys will appreciate your openness, and they have enough self-confidence to not be worried by the fact that some douchebags dumped you.

4 months into a relationship there should be no risk in sharing such insecurities.

To conclude: this guy here doesn't agree with your mom.

Thanks Mint. I'm not sure who's right here. I understand it's a turn off for a partner to ramble on about past relationships, whether they've been hurt or whatever (I've had partners share too much with me, but not to the point where I want to break it off with them, I just don't want to hear about it)--but I talked to a few of my friends offline and one said their partner had been dumped every single time in the past, but they still love them and definitely don't see them as a cast off.

I'm sure if I shared this every time I was with them or talked about it frequently, it may be an issue, but once or twice I don't get it. But maybe it is true that men see me as a cast off after I say that.

January 23, 2013

So - just like about 80% of the ladies that come here with this sort of issue - the problem is that you pick complete losers.

When will you all learn? You need to watch a man's character, not just date any Tom, Dick or Harry and then be surprised when he turns out to be some c**k.

When you mentioned in your original post that with the first guy you mainly talked about him and his issues I knew you were with some self-absorbed douche. Why date a guy who had cheating issues? Were you looking to get cheated on on purpose? No? Why do it then? I don't know how much you knew about the second one but why date someone you are meh about? Especially when you feel it's mutual?

How about quality control?

The second one might have been something to do with the 'baby' you mention since he had some kid issues if I read it right but yeah, you need to up the quality.

Yeah you're right. The 2nd guy, I felt was more understanding about it because he does have a child that was conceived "accidentally" and had to take responsibility for that at a very young age. It never seemed to be an issue as I did mention it once to him when we were sharing intimate details about our lives, but it wasn't something I thought he could comfort me with nor would he want to hear, so when I was sad about it I talked to other people.

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