Boy Band Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'm new here but like a lot of the people in the threads I've been reading, I was unceremoniously dumped (towards the end of last year). Both in our mid-30s, had been with her for a year and a half, it had been really good - she's intelligent, warm, energetic, attractive - and I really felt we had optimism for the future. The breakup itself came over a few weeks in November. I felt things from her end were maybe a bit different around September or October, but I put it down to tiredness, stress with work, and other things. Tried to talk about it and was somewhat reassured that things were OK. Then came the bombshell... "I don't want to do this anymore." I was blindsided, I had no inkling other than a little bit of distance that had starting to creep in and prompted me to ask again what was up. Pressed for a bit more... "I don't have the same feelings anymore", "I don't enjoy feeling wanted by you anymore" and then - finally - "I still think about my ex sometimes and wonder whether we could ever rebuild what we had." Her relationship with her ex was long term, and I could probably be classed as a rebound for her. I did seek some assurances about this to begin with, and was told "I'm over him", "he treated me badly" (which he did - he abandoned her when she needed him), "I feel things with you that I never felt with him." I tried to reason, I was upset but not angry, and it was pretty clear she wasn't going to budge. I pleaded for a chance, at least to talk, but she said her decision had already been made and it was final. In some ways she seemed genuinely sympathetic to how she'd made me feel, in other ways she was cold and unwavering. I was absolutely heartbroken. She didn't give us a real chance. We'd never had a major argument, we just "got on", did the fun things and the mundane things together. I was very much in love with her and I know she was with me - at one point. So I left and that was that. She said she wanted us to be friends in the future (which is what every girl has ever said to me when they've dumped me). I asked her how that would work, and she said I'll always have a place in her heart (just not the #1 place?). It made me feel uncomfortable, but I was so upset I didn't rule it out. She said the breakup was down to her, not me, she needed time to "sort out her feelings". I said I'd respect that. I wasn't using NC to begin with but have read the guide now. We had very limited contact over Christmas, she wrote to me wishing me the best and saying she felt sad and was sorry for hurting me and felt bad about that. I told her how I felt - which she'd have already have known - and that was that. We exchanged a few texts over NYE, but she was colder, and another few texts a recently, and it felt like crumbs. I was seeing her Facebook statuses at this time and it seemed like she was moving on, going out, having fun, joking with her friends - while I was stuck in the mud feeling terrible. Now I can't see any other option than NC. She's only ever going to give a few crumbs. Sometimes I feel like it's a nightmare, I can't believe what we had and how quickly it disappeared. I've thought a lot about it... maybe she wants to give her ex another go - but my heart always said they'd never be able to reconcile. After reading threads here I can see she became emotionally unavailable, which is ironic considering that is what her ex did to her. Was she seeing her ex before she broke up with me, or had she been in touch with him? My inclination is that she didn't... she seemed almost afraid of having contact with him. On top of the massive sense of loss, the feeling that I lost someone truly amazing, I don't know what else I could've done for her. I really put 110% in... and I know that for all the guilt-lessening excuses ("it's not you, it's me"), the simple fact is that if I'd been good enough for her, she wouldn't have let me go. If she is going back to the ex, she's trying to do what I'd like to happen for myself - for her to come back. I asked her when we broke up if there was someone else, and she said there wasn't. I'm left hurt and confused. It's a painful point when you cut off the hope of ever getting them back. How could we be friends when we can't even communicate what we were feeling? Do you ever get the sense of closure about what happened or why? I know people write that you don't need to know, but it feels like things happen for a reason, and when you gave something your all and it doesn't work out, I think it's natural to want to know where it went wrong. I have the upset tummy, the butterflies, the shakes, the terrible sleep, the lack of appetite, the lack of pleasure in doing pretty much everything. Can't get out of bed of a morning, have moments at work where my pulse races and I honestly can't believe what it's come to and how quickly it slipped through my fingers. I never had a chance, I never saw it coming. I've been exercising regularly even before the breakup, so I've carried on with that, I've even tried stepping up what I do - but even the gym isn't really helping the way I feel. I just want to go back to what I had, even though I know it's gone. Love is cruel?
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