Need some kind words - having trouble forgetting what boyfriend said during argument.

[Lovezen_30]

As you can surmise, my boyfriend and I had an argument that I'm having trouble forgetting about. Around 6 months ago, he was going abroad for a week or two as part of a new venture - and at his going-away party, I drank too much and got very upset about him leaving. It may seem over the top, but the reasons were quite serious: before my current boyfriend, I had been in love with a guy who died very suddenly (so, who 'went away' indefinitely, and never came back). Secondly, it looks like the new venture that is taking him travelling could progress further - so that he could end up travelling more than he is now. I even started begging him not to go, and the whole thing was a sorry mess. I was on the brink of a breakdown, visited the doctor, and had to take some time off work.

 

While he was gone, he phoned to say he'd been thinking that the reason I was so upset with him leaving, was because of what had happened previously - I think we came to this realisation about the same time. So I booked my first session with a therapist and started working through my issues - both for myself, and own peace of mind, and because I realised that if I didn't, the relationship would fail. I clearly had a huge fear of being abandoned by current bf after what had happened, but after a few months, I started to feel much better about the situation and my life. We worked through what had happened, about how important my relationship was to me, and it took a lot for me to put my emotions out there (I'm usually more closed off, I think because I come from quite a stoic family). Boyfriend said he was proud of how far I'd come, and I started to feel stronger, and more like myself again.

 

The relationship has been going great since October, and I stopped seeing the therapist because I didn't feel like I needed it any more. But the other weekend when we went on a break together, boyfriend told me he couldn't see me for over a week or so after because of commitments with travelling. This was okay, but later he was talking so much about his travelling rather than enjoying our time together that I snapped about it - and he brought up how he was worried about travelling this time and said 'well, you practically had a break down the last time I was away'. This really hurt because I thought he felt differently - that he understood why I reacted the way I did, and that he was proud of how far I'd come. He apologised profusely, saying he hadn't meant it - but in the heat of the moment I can't help thinking he did. I'm amazed that he'd still make such a comment after everything that's happened (as I had even felt we were a stronger couple now) and it makes me feel like he still views me as some sort of crackpot, rather than his girlfriend who needed genuine help at that time. What do you think?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I think you're a victim waiting to happen. Everything that happens, especially in your relationship with your boyfriend is always perceived as a long thought-out personal attack meant to destroy you.

 

The world and your boyfriend aren't against you. Not everything is a 10, let things go.

[veggirl]

Well you DID practically have a breakdown the first time. I'd be nervous dropping the same news on you again too. you are way overreacting to his comment. Why did you make a big deal about that comment? you are looking for things to get mad at, it seems, and eventually if you keep doing that he really is gonna start thinking you're a "crackpot".

[Eternal Sunshine]

WTF. He did nothing wrong.

[skyecko]

I think even though your boyfriend meant his comment on the surface it was more off-handed than anything. Yes, he was trying to make a point but I don't think he was being so serious that he probably even remembered what he said later. Sometimes people just say things without giving it alot of thought. Anyway, I can understand about being emotional. I am that way also. And it kills me; and any relationship I'm in if I'm not really careful.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're definitely going to be unpredictable in this relationship based on a traumatic experience. But personally I think issues come from much further in life, so I think this experience with your ex only exacerbated your issues...it just seems to work that way from my experience.

 

I think matter of fact like is what he meant with his statement....that you did have a breakdown the first time and so logically it is a concern. However you need that attention and coddling that "No, no, it's ok....you're all better now" which means to me you might be one of those people who continuously struggle with an issue but always find a way of relapsing...it's part of the "drama" and the high and low that you create in your life with this mentality of always have to "fight" or "struggle" to retain some level of consistency.

 

I'm having to take what I know and from what this sounds like and paint a picture because you're only mentioning one certain event or falling out you guys both experienced but with you I'm sure the relationship has had many more problems and "ups and downs" you're probably one of those people that that just take that in stride and see that as apart of a romantic relationship.

 

Also the fact that you're in love with the the last guy and now in love with the same type of guy doesn't strike you as odd, which begs the question whether you're really "in love" or are you just highly vulnerable and seek out these type of me that allow you to indulge in your issues.

 

I think you look for things in your relationship as some kind of progression and way of developing "security and comfort" and by doing so you think that going to therapy established this as you had to work together with your BF....you see that as some form of progression in a relationship but that should taken as your own personal progression, completely separate from a relationship because that is your issue to deal with, not his...he cannot relate to your problem therefore how can you expect him to be sensitive to your issues? I'm sure you have a hard time seeing them and understanding them yourself...unless you sought a therapist after your last BF death then you're basically dumping your issues on this guy and will do that with every other guy you think you are "in love" with.

 

Personally I think you need more work on yourself, and your BF needs to do the things he needs to do with in order to live and enjoy his life. You're probably too needy and demanding on him for where he is at right now, and take far too much work and emotional investment due to your issues...and you are likely to be a basket case of despair and emotions until you sort out your issues and emotions and get them back to where they should be...instead of expecting the next guy on the love ladder to fix your problems.

 

Sorry...not all "love conquers all" but I think that's the reality.

[Lovezen_30]

Well you DID practically have a breakdown the first time. I'd be nervous dropping the same news on you again too. you are way overreacting to his comment. Why did you make a big deal about that comment? you are looking for things to get mad at, it seems, and eventually if you keep doing that he really is gonna start thinking you're a "crackpot".

 

Yeah, that's true. But he said it in such a mocking, almost sarcastic way that it left me quite taken aback. Having a breakdown is serious - and I didn't think such a difficult experience would be used against me in the heat of an argument.

 

It was made that I had a breakdown purely because I couldn't bear to live without him for a couple of weeks - I thought he knew that the reasons were much deeper than that. It's like when people say 'I'm soo depressed' on a bad day - most people think nothing of it, but people who have experienced it think more carefully. As for 'same news' - I am nowhere near in the sort of place I was all those months ago - there was no reason for him to say something so hurtful, in my opinion.

[Lovezen_30]

You're definitely going to be unpredictable in this relationship based on a traumatic experience. But personally I think issues come from much further in life, so I think this experience with your ex only exacerbated your issues...it just seems to work that way from my experience.

 

I think matter of fact like is what he meant with his statement....that you did have a breakdown the first time and so logically it is a concern. However you need that attention and coddling that "No, no, it's ok....you're all better now" which means to me you might be one of those people who continuously struggle with an issue but always find a way of relapsing...it's part of the "drama" and the high and low that you create in your life with this mentality of always have to "fight" or "struggle" to retain some level of consistency.

 

I'm having to take what I know and from what this sounds like and paint a picture because you're only mentioning one certain event or falling out you guys both experienced but with you I'm sure the relationship has had many more problems and "ups and downs" you're probably one of those people that that just take that in stride and see that as apart of a romantic relationship.

 

Also the fact that you're in love with the the last guy and now in love with the same type of guy doesn't strike you as odd, which begs the question whether you're really "in love" or are you just highly vulnerable and seek out these type of me that allow you to indulge in your issues.

 

I think you look for things in your relationship as some kind of progression and way of developing "security and comfort" and by doing so you think that going to therapy established this as you had to work together with your BF....you see that as some form of progression in a relationship but that should taken as your own personal progression, completely separate from a relationship because that is your issue to deal with, not his...he cannot relate to your problem therefore how can you expect him to be sensitive to your issues? I'm sure you have a hard time seeing them and understanding them yourself...unless you sought a therapist after your last BF death then you're basically dumping your issues on this guy and will do that with every other guy you think you are "in love" with.

 

Personally I think you need more work on yourself, and your BF needs to do the things he needs to do with in order to live and enjoy his life. You're probably too needy and demanding on him for where he is at right now, and take far too much work and emotional investment due to your issues...and you are likely to be a basket case of despair and emotions until you sort out your issues and emotions and get them back to where they should be...instead of expecting the next guy on the love ladder to fix your problems.

 

Sorry...not all "love conquers all" but I think that's the reality.

 

I will definitely think about some of the points you've raised here.

 

From a surface read, I do have a few (primary) responses. I'm no expert on psychology, but I really do think the experience with my ex triggered all of this. I had a very healthy relationship with a guy for about 3 years before any of this happened, and we hardly fought at all.

 

After my ex died, I actually did feel like a different person in a way - my therapist pointed out because I had to deal with losing my own life (ie. the one I would have lived with him) as well as mourning his.

 

I'm not sure why you think my ex and current guy are similar - the only similarity is that my ex died and my current guy has started being unavailable a lot (it's quite unpredictable, because I often don't know how long he's going to be away for next).

 

I agree that perhaps I relied on my boyfriend to fix my problems before - but I eventually came to the realisation I was doing this, that lead to me seeking out counselling. I knew it wasn't healthy. I would like to make it clear that the last thing I want is to 'indulge in my issues' - I sought therapy because I want to live a happy life, whilst working through these problems to create a more positive outlook for myself as best I can. To be honest: lately, I reached the best place that I have been at in years (since the bereavement). I have been doing a lot for myself, have been excelling at work, and the relationship was going great. I have also felt healthy within myself, but still keeping an eye on my emotions.

 

Then that one argument - where it seemed everything wasn't completely resolved, and he brought up the breakdown. I knew it would never be an overnight recovery, but I'm working on it. The thing is, we are happy the majority of the time - he is one of the most wonderful guys I've met, so I feel that if I broke it off now I'd be giving up on being with a great person. But I also realise I still need more time to heal, and don't always feel I can do it while in the relationship. But I do love him, very much - make no mistake.

 

Maybe you're right that the statement was matter-of-fact - but it stung because of the personal experience.

[Lovezen_30]

I think even though your boyfriend meant his comment on the surface it was more off-handed than anything. Yes, he was trying to make a point but I don't think he was being so serious that he probably even remembered what he said later. Sometimes people just say things without giving it alot of thought. Anyway, I can understand about being emotional. I am that way also. And it kills me; and any relationship I'm in if I'm not really careful.

 

Thanks your response was quite thoughtful, and you're probably right about him saying it off-hand when I think about it. As I said, I think I'm sensitive to the word because of what it entailed for me - like the way some people who have experienced depression can feel about the condition being used flippantly to describe a bad day, etc.

[Lovezen_30]

The problem is not knowing whether I will ever fully be okay with him travelling a lot - he is planning to travel more this year, and I don't know where that could end up.

 

I know this is an exciting time for him, and I don't want to get on his back about it - but sometimes when he tells me about leaving, I start feel really anxious and panicky inside (but don't tell him this). I'm certain this is because of what happened. I know him travelling is part of following his dreams and I want to be okay with; I like to think I probably would be had it not been for the previous experience.

[Quiet Storm]

Yeah, that's true. But he said it in such a mocking, almost sarcastic way that it left me quite taken aback. Having a breakdown is serious - and I didn't think such a difficult experience would be used against me in the heat of an argument.

 

It was made that I had a breakdown purely because I couldn't bear to live without him for a couple of weeks - I thought he knew that the reasons were much deeper than that. It's like when people say 'I'm soo depressed' on a bad day - most people think nothing of it, but people who have experienced it think more carefully. As for 'same news' - I am nowhere near in the sort of place I was all those months ago - there was no reason for him to say something so hurtful, in my opinion.

 

 

I think if it has only been months since your breakdown, you can't logically expect someone to ignore that.

 

All of us judge others. Your reaction to his leaving caused him to make a judgment about you. Although the situation with your previous boyfriend explains the behavior and helps others empathize with you, it doesn't negate what happened. Your reaction impacted him, the way he views you and the way he handles subjects that he feels may cause a conflict.

 

You can't pick and choose how others percieve you. People will judge you because your actions are tools that others use to guage character. Expecting someone to ignore or minimize your negative actions, and to only judge you for your positive actions is controlling. Imagine if you two were in an argument and he reacted by throwing objects around your home. You were obviously shocked and concerned about this behavior, but he said that he has anger issues and that as a small child he witnessed his fathers rages and they must have affected him in some way. The infromation he provided about his upbringing helps us to understand the reasons for his actions, but simply understanding it doesn't mean you won't be ducking for cover the next time you get in an argument.

 

If he made the comment sarcastically, you can tell him that you feel that the way he brought up the subject is rude, but he has every right to be concerned about the way you will react when he leaves.

 

By voicing his fears, he is communicating with you. He is sharing his feelings, which is very important in a relationship. It is a good thing.