PrettyKitty87 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Hello all, I'm new but have been reading through threads and have seen that most people tend to get some pretty good advice, and I'm hoping for the same. My situation is difficult, and may take a bit to explain, so please bear with me, because I truly need help. I've been with my bf for a little over 3 years, and unfortunately I don't see us going any further than that, unless I can put my big girl pants on and end it. However, the situation is difficult, and I can't escape the guilt of ending the relationship when he has sacrificed so much for me... ------------- We were together for 2 years, and when I had to move for a job, we had a talk and decided that our relationship was worth the effort of a long distance relationship. So, we parted ways but maintained our relationship with assistance from Skype, and random sweet gifts on occasion. He came to visit me after 6 months apart, and it was wonderful, and he told me he was going to quit his job and move to be with me. I was so excited, so he left to go back to his job to do his preparations for the move. We had discussions all the time about what he would do when he moved out, and he said one of the things is that he would like us to buy a house. His credit wasn't good enough to qualify for a loan because of a bad divorce, but I qualified for more than enough to buy us a lovely home. So, I found a house, showed him a video and he approved it, so I bought it knowing I'd be carrying the weight of the mortgage on my own for a few months. NBD, since I make enough to handle all the bills, while being able to save a little bit of money on the side. I have some credit card debt that I need to pay down, but surely once he moved in and started to help with the bills I'd be able to get it paid down in no time.... Well, he moved in in July, and as it turns out despite all the talk of his plans to get a part time job, and get enrolled full time in college, none of it has happened. He had nothing lined up, he hadn't even enrolled or even searched for a school! So I decided to help, I found a few different schools in the area that had degree plans he was interested in. I've found a few places hiring in the area, nothing glamorous, but they're paying jobs that wouldn't ask him to do anything demeaning. He chose to not pursue any of those things, rather, just talk even more about things he "wants" to do... Like a dummy, I've brought up the topic of marriage, I'm 25 and we've been together for 3 years, and have a house after-all...He says he doesn't want to get married until he has his stuff together. What does that even mean? He knew before he even moved out here that I wanted to get married and have babies. Speaking of babies, he keeps telling me all the reasons we should NEVER have them. gah. All of these things have been coming up over the last few months, and has led me to resent, and dislike this man. I can't even suffer through his touch anymore, let alone carry on a conversation with him. He just sits at home all day long, not doing anything except making messes, which, surprise! I get to clean up, or it just won't get cleaned, even though I'm the only one working and going to school......... I'm miserable, to the point of not wanting to leave work because I know I have to come home to this. I cry when I'm alone, which is rarely as he is always here, and I've tried to convince myself that I'm happy, but I feel it's just prolonging the suffering I'm putting myself through. I'm pretty sure I love him, because I don't want to hurt him, or kick him out, when he did make a lot of sacrifices to be with me. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait for him to get his stuff together, or if even getting his stuff together will make me love him again. Sadly, I'm so afraid of confrontation that I go into panic mode just thinking about having "the talk". I'm afraid of bringing up the whole unemployed, and unengaged thing because I know its such a sensitive topic for men. His closest friends and relatives are no less than 1300 miles away, so asking him to leave feels like an especially heartless thing. I know he has no friends here, and therefore he has no where to go after a "break-up" talk. Since this is my house, I don't really have the option of moving out, so it will have to be him that goes. So what do I say, "Sorry I don't love you anymore...oh and please move out by the end of the month..." Please help, should I stay and hope that things get better when he finally plies himself up off his butt, or should I physically leave the relationship that I'm pretty sure I've been mentally absent from for the past few months?
Leigh 87 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 He needs to help himself, you cannot force him to get his life together. Sadly, he has to want to change. Sometimes people can be pushed, yes, but he really does not sound remotely ready. I guess if you loved someone and they fell ill, you would stick by them... But you would not lose respect for them, as they do not choose to fall ill. On the other hand, why should you stick by a person who is too inmotivated, lazy, or just not driven to do anything with their life? Their mindset is not compatable with your values... Sticking by a partner through hard times is important, but it is his values and lack of direction that are not going to fit in with you. You cannot be happy with someone who hs such different values to yourself! Even if you were in love, which it does not sound like you are. You know if your in love with someone I think.
Leigh 87 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 By the way, I am 26 and I am only just going back to college. Because i was not motivated to do anything with my life prior to this. I mean, I was, but I never had my heart set in any one career plan. It took me sometime to get direction, and I would not expect a guy to want to date me, if he was intelligent, educated, and a great guy.. Because he would be better suited to another person who was educated and was driven to have a proffessional career at some stage. I would not expect that a man who had plans in life, would want to date me, who was sitting at home doing nothing with her life. You know - this guy does not realise that it drags you down to be with someone who is not going in the same direction as you. It will cause great financial stress on you if you have to be his main supporter, and you will lose respect for him. Do I not think a student is good enough to date a person who is educated and has a professional career? No away! Simply being a student and having a very clear career you want badly, is enough of a sign that hey, at least your TRYING your best. I say this because I was a student, and I do not feel I was really that great of a catch before recent times, because I never applied myself to any sort of future plan. I was not doing anything worthwhile with my life. Any dating prospect would probably worry that I would have nothing to offer, financially or otherwise, if I did not spend my days doing something worthwhile.
Author PrettyKitty87 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Thank you, for both of your posts. I just remember how much I loved him while he was employed, and I can't help but feel like it's my fault I feel this way. I was perfectly happy that he would be going to school full time, because he was pursuing something that he cared about, rather than the miserable job he had before. I loved him, so I thought this was a great plan, finally he would have a job he was happy with. So far I haven't had much financial strain, he gives me money when I need it, because he has quite a bit saved up. Another thing that misled me to think he had his head on his shoulders. He's 28, and used to be a motivated fella. I feel like the longer he does nothing, the longer it's going to take to get him to do anything.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If you love him and want to be with him you should talk to him. If he can't do it he will probably get up and leave himself.
KatZee Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 No amount of your pushing is going to get him where you want him to be. He needs to have that drive and motivation himself. Which, he doesn't. He also sees no reason to get married, and doesn't want kids. These two things in and of itself are reasons enough to split. Those are not compromisable issues. If you want kids, and he's all about talking you out of it, this is not the person for you. If you want marriage after three years together and he's not on board? Then this is not the person for you. He talks about wanting his stuff together and I'll tell you what that means. Guys don't ever get engaged unless they know they can provide for their future wife and any possible offspring. Right now he's not in school, he has no job. He's basically the epitome of NOT having his stuff together. He wants a career, his degree, finances in order. The problem with this is that he's not even actively looking to get his life in order. He's busy living with you free of charge, doesn't need to work, doesn't need to be in school. Damn, he has a pretty good life right now. The statement, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" is very applicable to you right now. He has zero reason to get off his a.ss. He's had three years to prove something to you. The only way he's going to get a kick in the pants is if you let him go. Tell him to go back home that you don't see this relationship progressing any further. You've had talks with him, and honestly if after three years together you can't have a conversation with him about engagement or kids without being worried or freaking out then the communication is obviously pretty poor and again, not the guy for you. You're 25. Still young enough to get back out there. You don't want to wake up one day (like me) at going on 29 years old and realizing that I'm getting screwed even more every single day. So many wasted years with someone not worthy of me. Now I have that pressure about being able to have kids at a certain age and pressure because everyone at my age is engaged, married, having kids, buying homes and I'm just single with no prospects.
sharkbite Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'd like to put my story out there and say, don't just get up and leave if you have any feelings for this guys. I was per-diem working hardly any hours when I was with my ex (she was a successful woman in manhattan) we always had the time of our lives together and told eachother we love eachother (8 month relationship) now i knew things were beginning to go south and she just was not able to talk about it she would say things like she's so unsure of herself and doesn't know whats wrong with her. Earlier in the relationship she told me her ex who she was with for 6 yrs was content with being a bouncer, i told her i had goals and was just trying to figure out my best route and that I am a hardworker and someday would love the title of MD but she just said how she wanted someone to provide for her for once (meanwhile I provided in every other sense of the word) except having a job and still living at home with my parents. Well, over the conversation I simply asked "so do you want to break up?" her reply was "yea i guess, going to be the biggest mistake of my life" and that was it now 2 and half months later I am worrking more hours, enrolled in college taking 3 classes and live with 2 of my friends in a house. Its hard for me to understand why she couldn't express her feelings to me and thats what ultimately killed the relationship, if you love/care have feelings for someone and your unsure........as much as it may hurt and be difficult just express your feelings, especially if you say he has made sacrifices for you. Let him know your problems because even though i saw it as shallow (her needing me to have a very providing job) I would have cleaned up **** off the floor if it kept her around proved to her that I'm hardworking and that I do have plans of being successful, sometimes it just takes people a little bit to figure it out, when you care.........show it, if you want it to work.......make an attempt at a decent conversation because otherwise its just going to be a conversation that ends with a break up. If you tell him your true feelings there is a shot. in my opinon, if you don't have communication and let the person see you for who you really are, whats the point? Love is love, even though I don't agree with my ex and that now if she heard about me she'd be surprised, I love her like crazy and want her back soooooooo bad but to prove to myself and to her that sometimes we all get into moments in our life when we are unsure of things but if you have someone next to you thats supportive and will love you even if you are unemployed just say you need to see more of an effort, print out some job fair flyers for him to go to. I wish my ex and you understood that just cause a guy is at crossroads doesn't mean you should give up on him when all other aspects are incredible. sorry for rambling and hope this makes sense, I'm still emotional over my ex and just think that a job is not who you are, just because a guy is making 90k a year and has amazing benefits and can be a provider....doesn't mean that you should give up a man that makes you laugh and chemistry is incredible, it will all workout in the end if you just stay happy. again sorry for writing a book, and for blabbering, its just something i feel very strongly about, I had some rough times in my past and have come a long way, my perseverence now is untouchable and I could not be more ambitious ............but apparently these traits began to show too little too late. The economy ruins too many marriages and relationships, love is love.......money and level of career advancement is not love, its not who the person is. Ultimately the decision is yours, and this is coming from a broken heart, but for the respect and the sake of getting it all out......have a sit down conversation, write out what is bothering you, explain how you feel/why you feel it, the man deserves the chance....after that if he does nothing then so be it.
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