ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) May this thread be stickied? I can only hope so. I know in my heart that it is worthy of such an honor. This controversial text shall be studied and scrutinized for centuries to come.. I've begun to crack the code of the "beta" male. I don't think this place attracts any elusive "alphas", so my research on such a rare, endangered creature too beautiful to live must be done in the physical realms of reality. This should be treated as you would a research paper. Even if this takes you a 5 to 30 minute period to read, this information will likely prove to be useful in understanding, identifying and (possibly) avoiding the descendents of the ancient indo-derpean tribes known as the filthy Betalets, who have slowly degenerated from fierce warriors over time to become what we know them to be today. This paper only took me 30 minutes to write, and some people have taken that much time to write much less profound, important posts. You've stumbled upon one of the greatest, most profound truths of the reality of our existance. What you learn may shock and disgust you, and quite possibly compel you to create a political party and campaign that will scapegoat and systematically prosecute and eliminate Beta Manlets everywhere. I believe that one such mass-murder program is in effect, I believe it is called Pornography. That statement will not make sense until you have read this thread in it's entirety. Read a portion every day if you must. If you've got this far into the thread, and you've read a lameass Beta manlet book like Harry Potter, then you're a hypocrite. Actually, you shouldn't even be reading at all, Alphas write, Betas mostly read. If a Beta writes something, you can bet your sweet Beta ass that it sucks donkey balls. Either way, you're a Beta, so before you post "TL;DR" just shut the hell up and read this. It'll make you a better person. You will discover why if you continue reading. Realize that every paragraph in this thread contains valuable information, especially if your DNA haplogroup belongs to the ancient Betalets. Many of the observations documentated in this paper will come as no surprise to you, being part of your natural instinct as a Beta. What Ancient Betalites/Modern-Day Manlets Looked Like Believe it or not, this is actually a digital reconstruction of what the ancient Beta manlet tribesman resembled, modeled in the images of artifacts that have been found (by yours truly!) and sent to the Discovery Channel for further investigation and mainstream documentation. This was a reconstruction of an altercation taking place in the capital city of Ancient Betapotamia, 2000 BC ("Before Chump", before the great Beta King "Chump" the VIIIX was crucified before thousands of Alphas and Betas as Betas invaded "Alpha"-Centauri, situated somewhere in modern-day Spain, the ancient home of the Alphas though the Alphas had immigrated and spread out evenly among all of Europe. Alphas constitute a small portion of any given country in the world, much moreso in developed countries. Alphas are non-existant in third world countries.) http://images.quickblogcast.com/80881-70808/2965732844507249183711000006033761301155195895081926n.jpg?a=88 Compared to modern day examples, thousands of years AC. (After "Chump") They are much less colorful creatures, yet more phenotypically diverse and progressive than their ancient noble ancestors. I believe this is so that they naturally blend in with their environment and do not stand out under any circumstances. To be noticed is to be compromised by potentially attractive females. For a Beta male, their ugliness can be compared to the colorful features of a peacock, in reverse. The peacock wishes to attract a mate, while the Beta wishes to repel them. I will address the real reason soon enough. http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090619184527/wikiality/images/0/0f/Tvdonutbeer.jpg http://www.fullfatrr.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10663/fat_man_on_computer.jpg I believe that the larger types are more suited for negative energy storage, with bodies that are suited for resting their communicative apparatus. If a beta is actually holding their apparatus, it is likely a part of their daily efforts to stay physically in shape. These alpha's arms are their most well-developed, chiseled body parts. Their beards are designed to catch any food that has fallen from their mouths. They often wear nothing, save for a diaper or size XXXXXL underwear. This wards off attractive vicious women who the Beta would be easy prey for. Ancient Betalites were quite intelligent and advanced, often being able to have food transported directly to them via a delicate string-system that is too complex to really describe or explain to those uneducated in the Beta's ways.. They never had to really leave their man caves. One would assume that the arm/body imbalance would be caused by excessive masturbation, but do not be fooled, my research says otherwise. I believe that their arms are mainly relatively healthy looking due to frequent keyboard-lifting and shaking exercises to pick up crumbs that their beard has failed to catch and store, although these movements may be invalidated if a poptart is found underneath the keyboard, as Betas are unable to break down and excrete carbs. Betas do not have a physical need to excrete. It is my theory that the waste passes through the oral orifice in a gaseous form. We call it "bad breath".. A fair trade for never having to take ****s, although it's one trade this researcher could do without. Full-body-shifting chair exercises seem to be sufficient physical stimulation as well, or waddling from chair to bed. Some Betas crawl, to make it easier on their bodies, mostly because gravity itself is against the Betas.. If they had the choice, they'd rather be wheelchair bound. It'd make it even easier for them to identify one another, save for the relatively rare case of a paraplegic Alpha. Other variants and sub species of the Beta, of which there are estimated to be around 2454.. http://manhattaninfidel.com/__oneclick_uploads/2012/01/gollumface.jpg http://laranaroja.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/jodefotos-chiuaua-caniche-y-bebe.jpg http://ohuman.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/ugly-people-faces.jpg And the great beta, King "Chump" the VIIIX, savior of the ancient Betalites. It is said that his nickname was Napoleon, and Napoleon Bonaparte was named in honor of him, as they were both 5'6 and it is suspected that despite portraits that exist today, Bonaparte had an identical ball-chin. http://www.digitalartistdaily.com/users/14/thm1024/ugly_wugly_2_large.jpg Observations Of The Beta Manlet In It's Natural State, Perfectly Adapted Habitat I believe most of the beta males seem to congregate in online message boards like these, where they can constantly bombard one another with detailed pie graphs and scientific documentation to prove their point that there are alphas getting all of the pussy while they sit at home making pie charts showing why their (and their peer's) lives suck. These exchanges of information seem to generate negative energy fields which radiate off of the computer screens. Betas seem to need a substantial amount of screen-gazing time each day, or they will die a slow and painful death. Like sheep grazing on grass in a fence-enclosed field, the beta manlets (or betalets, if you will) pick their topic of choice and stare down the screen for hours on end. Frequent head nods seem to be their way of synthesizing this negative energy. I've also observed that blood-shot eyes and pale, acne-covered skin are all extremely sufficient at absorbing and/or storing this energy. Pimples seem to be some sort of negative energy storage mass which the excess skin from not ever showering creates... Negative energy is red, positive energy is blue, hence the redness of the pimples. Blood-shot eyes are a sign of good health/stock in the beta, showing his female counterparts that he has been quite successful in his negative energy harvesting endeavors and will at some point drive her to kill him. I have numerous newspaper articles pinned to my research wall of Beta marriage cases such as these, this is a normal part of the childless Beta period. Betas do not have sexual intercourse until after marriage, because they know that they will not desire one another once they've seen each other naked. Until marriage, the Beta female will mimicry Neutral/Alpha females with natural blends of grounded herbs and other factory-produced chemicals, known as "make up".. Once married, this gives the beta female a window of opportunity to finalize her decisions.. If she is receptive to the males advances, they will have a Betalet and the Beta manlet will die, leaving the Betalet to be raised as a beta woman. This is assuming that the Beta woman is not driven to kill and/or consume the Beta male beforehand, if she considers him to not be ugly or invisible enough, even though being so would totally turn her off, desperation is a powerful driving force, much like the will to die out rather than survive. The Beta is truly an enigma. They cannot live WITH themselves.. Can't live underwater, either. A popular weapon of choice for the Beta female would be flights of stairs, and so most Beta manlets have a natural subconscious fear of stairs. And women, but I will get to that at in this next chapter of my study paper, which I am going to revise and send to Harvard University for further scrutiny. What are their primary functions and ultimate goals? I do not yet know *why* the Beta males do their pathetic little mating dance, posting these negative articles and personal observations through their beta manlet eyes.. It seems to be as if they're trying to bring down the other betas who may be reading their "articles" to lower mental levels than themselves, so they could be high ranking beta males and date other high ranking beta fermales. Or possibly gather the sympathy of females online so that long-distance romances may take place, where the Beta can engage in all of the social benefits without the temptation to spill his seed. This is always short-lived, and the Beta is always rejected, which is a potent source of delicious negative energy. Beta females are truly dangerous to the Beta, as they are just as desperate to have sex with any male as the Beta male is to someday give all of his money and posessions to a woman for one shot at 8 minutes of missionary. He must always watch them from afar, and yet he cannot completely ignore them, often "orbiting" them without getting too sexual, for it could be the Beta's downfall. The Beta truly is an enigma, much like the Pyramids. I must not digress for long, but it was even discovered that Betas somehow manipulated and enslaved a small number of Alphas and forced them to build the Pyramids within the time span of a year, because of their aversion to any physical exertion. "Do you even lift?" was one documented taunt of the subdued and enslaved Alpha, which he would groan and yell as the Betas, riding ancient Ostriches, would whip them. Intermingling between Beta females and Alpha males also occured, giving birth to the majority of "neutrals" that live on the planet today. It is believed that if Alphas were to be selectively "bred" into existance today, that we would be able to control them with harnesses as the Betas once did and force them to build new Pyramids, not that I'd know why we would do that. It is also possible that we may extract Alpha DNA from fossilized remains or Alpha penis in petrified amber, which is often what the Alpha would use for lubrication. Alpha penis stem cells are believed to be the cure for all current diseases, syndromes, and physical deformities. The Modern-Day Downfall Of The Betas And Their Eventual Extinction I believe that the average basement-dwelling beta believes that if they passive-aggressively post enough demotivational material effectively brain washing their equal-level competition, those beta males will be rendered pathetically vegetative and apathetic and unable to pass on their seed, and so they may masturbate and die soon afterwards or open their fridge, bend over and shove a pickle up their ass until it tickles their prostrate and they die of an intense multiple-orgasm-related heart attack. I've no idea why betas seem pre-disposed to the latter rather than the former, I suspect many of them to be closet homosexuals who are unable to accept their true selves, as much as they'd like to. I have also discovered that the typical beta male has a similar life-mating cycle to that of a bee. Once a beta male virgin ejaculates for the first time and his primary life objective has finally been accomplished, his body shuts down, as nature has never intended a beta male to hold a job or be able to provide for anyone but himself. Betas are usually adopted by neutrals/alphas and co-exist with them like a parasite.. Which brings me to my next conclusion, that betas are usually from third world countries or behave as one. I've observed that this general cycle is quite problematic when the beta male prematurely ejaculates before ever entering a female vagina, and high-level beta males are aware of this and often use this to their advantage. Less beta males to compete, more beta women to choose from and bear little Betalets with to continue their natural cycle of self-inflicted hate and pain. Beta males fear women for this reason, especially strip clubs.. If a beta male ever ejaculated in his pants, he'd die right there on the spot, and his corpse would eventually be consumed by nearby saber-toothed vaginas. Pt.2 Of The Logical Conclusion Of The Beta Life-Mating Cycle I believe that the ultimate hope of these Betas is that they come together creating hybrid offspring, taking the ugliest features from either parent to create an even more repulsive sentient being. Eventually, one Beta within the family will die a virgin or pre-mature ejaculator and the true purpose of the bloodline will have been fulfilled: To completely wipe itself out. Much like a conga-line of lemmings running off of cliffs or groups of turkeys gazing up at the mystical blue sky in the rain and drowning.. No one really knows why these Betas have been created or what purpose the truly serve in the grand scheme.. But one thing is for certain.. I will unlock their secrets, I'm closer now than ever before! Disclaimer: These are only my own independent scientific research-related theories of course, which I believe to be ahead of their time, hopefully to someday be proven in the future by mainstream experiments and funded research and added into academic Human Sociology textbooks everywhere. I have been to Beta-dense populations and found ancient artifacts that paint what I believe to be an accurate portrait of Betas. Edited January 22, 2013 by ScreamingTrees
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Ironically, dedicating this amount of thought to betas can be seen as in fact, quite beta 2
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Ironically, dedicating this amount of thought to betas can be seen as in fact, quite beta Yes, I'm sure it could, but I realize that I must now sacrifice my own Alphaitity for the sake of science. And even Betas.. I feel lots of sympathy for their plight. That's right, Castle.. I'm doing it for you, too. And now I am one of you.. Or perhaps I always was? Because I care for you. I hope you get a warm, fuzzy feeling when you read this, as much of a warm fuzzy feeling as I get typing it just knowing you're going to get a warm fuzzy feeling for reading it. And you're going to read all of it, because this insanely long epic that I've written is infinitely more entertaining and interesting than the typical Love Shacker's dilemmas. Everyone reading this post is going to read it.
charlietheginger Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Yes, I'm sure it could, but I realize that I must now sacrifice my own Alphaitity for the sake of science. And even Betas.. I feel lots of sympathy for their plight. That's right, Castle.. I'm doing it for you, too. And now I am one of you.. Or perhaps I always was? Because I care for you. I hope you get a warm, fuzzy feeling when you read this, as much of a warm fuzzy feeling as I get typing it just knowing you're going to get a warm fuzzy feeling for reading it. And you're going to read all of it, because this insanely long epic that I've written is infinitely more entertaining and interesting than the typical Love Shacker's dilemmas. Everyone reading this post is going to read it. Science is for betas.
KungFuJoe Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I didn't read it. Does anyone have the cliff's notes version?
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Science is for betas. So it is. I've never said I was Alpha.. I probably was more Alpha pre-Loveshack. But there really are no Alphas here. And most of the posters on this board, especially made, have over one thousand posts of silly thoughts, although they're more sincere and not as entertaining as my research. The only difference is that I've condensed my thoughts into one thread. The rest of you spread it all out.
charlietheginger Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I didn't read it. Does anyone have the cliff's notes version? Cliffnotes / betas = losers Alphas = winners
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If I'm not an alpha, I'm also certainly no beta. I guess I have traits of both then. I'm an...I'm an...Alphabet? 2
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 What the hell is this? Did you really waste your time posting this? Wow, I'm really honored to have one of the leading Beta/Alpha male researches in the field posting in my thread! Jeez! I've had you on ignore because I didn't want to subconsciously steal any of your famous intellectual musings and claim them as my own, I hope you'll understand why I shall continue to leave you on ignore as well.. No hard feelings, my friend.. I realize you've likely manually typed out just as much pertaining to both Betas and Alphas in your own threads as I have in my thread. I didn't really feel it should be broken up, as it is with your written work, so I hope we can maybe someday compare and contrast our findings with each other in private.
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 If I'm not an alpha, I'm also certainly no beta. I guess I have traits of both then. I'm an...I'm an...Alphabet? I was going to go with the term "Neutral", but that sounds like a perfect term for those physically and mentally in the transition stage between a Beta and Alpha. I don't believe that any more beta threads need to be made, ever again. This thread is like everything Beta-related condensed.. This should be stickied alongside the height and penis size discussion threads.
charlietheginger Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If I'm not an alpha, I'm also certainly no beta. I guess I have traits of both then. I'm an...I'm an...Alphabet? you are in denial once the beta admits he is beta he can take the Correct steps to moving the direction of a alpha usually this process involves zit cream , gym membership And anti anxiety medication. Most betas never come fourth
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 you are in denial once the beta admits he is beta he can take the Correct steps to moving the direction of a alpha usually this process involves zit cream , gym membership And anti anxiety medication. Most betas never come fourth Yes, the ancient Betalets were notoriously hyper-intelligent self-aware beings, to balance their incredible ugliness. God designed the Beta to hate and want to terminate itself, because he was bored and needed a good laugh. Most betalets can trick themselves into believing they're not Beta, this has kept the Beta alive in modern times.
Pyro Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 The pictures are the best. You are very alpha when it comes to sharing pictures.
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 The pictures are the best. You are very alpha when it comes to sharing pictures. Hell yeah, I don't give a **** I'm not saving them to my desktop to upload to some image site, what do I look like to you? A total beta? I'm also unliking the posts here. Only a beta would ever like a post..
Pyro Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Hell yeah, I don't give a **** I'm not saving them to my desktop to upload to some image site, what do I look like to you? A total beta? I'm also unliking the posts here. Only a beta would ever like a post.. Dr. Cooper is no beta.
Lonely Ronin Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I was going to go with the term "Neutral", but that sounds like a perfect term for those physically and mentally in the transition stage between a Beta and Alpha. This has better classsifications Male Hierarchy by this list I'm Alpha-Omega
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Dr. Cooper is no beta. Well, I never said he was. He's more Alpha than any of the guys in here, even you, man..
KungFuJoe Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Don't forget sports. Alphas played basketball, baseball, football... Betas played tennis, swam, volleyball or none at all...
Pyro Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Well, I never said he was. He's more Alpha than any of the guys in here, even you, man.. The only guys who Sheldon would have to compete with is Dr. House and Gordon Ramsey.
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Don't forget sports. Alphas played basketball, baseball, football... Betas played tennis, swam, volleyball or none at all... Betas mostly play world of warcraft. Alphas mostly play with your mother's tits. 2
KungFuJoe Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Betas mostly play world of warcraft. Alphas mostly play with your mother's tits. I'm not even sure what that is supposed to mean.
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I'm not even sure what that is supposed to mean. I wouldn't expect a Beta to understand.
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'm not even sure what that is supposed to mean. Because you are a beta. You don't know about tits. Probably googled it. F***ing beta.
KungFuJoe Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Because you are a beta. You don't know about tits. Probably googled it. F***ing beta. But my mom's? That's sick! I don't think I want to be an alpha anymore......
Author ScreamingTrees Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 But my mom's? That's sick! I don't think I want to be an alpha anymore...... You never WERE Beta, bro. You know you're just in extreme denial. It's one of the natural traits of someone who's definitely NOT a Beta, if you know what I mean.. You probably don't even know, because you're definitely NOT a Beta.. Only an Alpha would quote the last post in a thread no one's posting in but the Alphas..
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