fabi20 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 hi everyone, i really need help with this guilt. i feel like i've cheated myself and robbed myself of a wonderful future with the most amazing man on this planet. to make a long story short...i had two different relationships for two years...one was with a really long term boyfriend who i was with for 5 years when i started to see someone new. my long term bf was completely wrong for me, cheated on me, verbally abused me and di every wrong thing possible, but i still could not find it in my heart to leave him. so when this new guy came in my life (a long time friend of mine who i always wanted to be with) i couldn't make up my mind for some reason so i thought it would be okay to date both and figure things out as i went along (i know huge mistake and i'm a complete selfish bitch) truth be told it is so unlike me, i was always the one who never understood how one can cheat, and i took it a step further and dragged it on for two years! all along i knew i wanted to be with my new guy who was sweet, caring, affectionate, respectful, just amazing and he had long term plans with me...but as you can imagine i did a lot that hindered our relationship...i didn't act like i did in the beginning, like my real self with him and i pushed him away. now this is were my KARMA kicks in...almost three months ago, my wonderful and amazing guy broke up with me bc he wasn't happy anymore, and who could blame him, i was pushing him away for so long...and i recently found out he left for someone else, someone who probably will know how to appreciate him. i hate myself because i truly do love him. i just feel like the first guy has been like a plague in my life. i'm now seeing everything in perspective. i wish i realized this before. now i'm scared my karma will follow me forever, and of course getting back my amazing guy might not ever happen because i don't deserve him after what i did. but i really am a good person, i don't know what came over me, i feel like the last two years someone else was living my life. a life of LIES. i don't know what to do to reverse my karma, to get rid of all this guilt. i keep thinking about my wonderful guy in the arms of someone else and i just want to scream, i know i'm not going to get a lot of pity from anyone, but believe me when i say i've been at both ends and this was NOT like me at all to do.... any advice?
denxnis Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I still only see "me me me". What have you learned?
Author fabi20 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 i learned that i have to figure out what i want in life before i enter a relationship and bring people in. but it doesn't mean i'm not going to be dying with this guilt for a while..all i'm looking for are words to help me figure all this out, unless i go see a therapist
denxnis Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Your relationship with the new guy was doomed from the start. It's a proven fact that relationships which start from infidelity (aka cheating) have less than 1% chance of surviving. I'm guessing you are still young, probably under 30? It sucks to hear this but you screwed some kid over and now you got screwed over (apologies for language). The way I see it you are on a level playing field now. If you can walk away from all of this and say, "I will never again cheat emotionally or physically" I think you will live a happy life. It may not happen immediately but you will have a better future because of these experiences.
Author fabi20 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 i'm 27, and haven't had much relationship experience bc since i was 19 i was with the first guy, up until 6 months ago, who didn't treat me good...and then i had the newer guy. so just two relationships. i wil NEVER cheat again, it's only cheating yourself when people do. i will have to live with my bad decision forever bc i truly believe the guy i screwed over was the love of my life. i only say this because we've been in and out of each others lifes since we were 12 years old..we were junior high sweet hearts, lost touch, then we went out for 3 weeks when we were both 19 before he joined the army, and then met again in our mid twenties..i've always had a place in my heart for him since young....i can't believe i did this to him. i know it sounds crazy, but i hope one day we will come back in each others life's again...or is that just absolutely out of the question for me to be thinking? if i ever had a chance with him again i would do every thing in my power to make him the happiest and love, honor and respect him... am i completely out of line for thinking this?
denxnis Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 i wil NEVER cheat again, it's only cheating yourself when people do. i will have to live with my bad decision forever bc i truly believe the guy i screwed over was the love of my life. When I said you screwed someone over I meant the guy you were with for 5 years. Yeah he may have been a complete a**hole but you should have left him and not cheated. I'm sure you've heard the following, There's no excuse for cheatingTwo wrongs don't make a right I'm not saying forgive the guy but it seems like you have some loose ends here... Are you still dating the guy of 5 years or did you end things? am i completely out of line for thinking this? If you managed to stay in touch with this person for so many years I don't think you are out of line for thinking so, however I would not hold my breath either. It's usually when you least expect it that things come together and work out. That being said I personally would try to become less dependent on a relationship and try to enjoy being single; once you are happy being single I can almost guarantee someone you like will show up in your life, it might be this guy you've known since you were 12 or it might be someone else.
Author fabi20 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 i'm not in touch with him anymore, i decided he's been like a plague in my life and i've given him too much of me already. i lost myself and caused me to do things i would never think i was capable of...it was a total of 7 years (5 yrs with him, then 2 yrs with him and the other guy) i feel like i would not have been able to let go of the first guy if i did not learn the hard way and lose this amazing great guy. i'm worried that now that i finally got to be with the second guy for the long term, i did not show him my true self and the type of gf i could be, now that he's with this new person, he's going to compare and think anything is better than me...not bc i was a bitch to him, but just because i did a lot of things to hinder our relationship, i sabatoged it on purpose bc i was trying to give myself out to figure things out... i'm working on being happy single, i moved away and living trying to start fresh, but it's the guilt that is making it so hard to move on, and the constant 'what if'
Recommended Posts