Why your relationship prob ended

[OJ loved Nicole]

The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading and one thing keeps popping up, your sex number. As oracle explained in his "realistic tips" thread the hotter person usually leaves. 7's are meant to be with 7's, 8's with 8's, so on and so forth.

 

Think back, when you entered into your last relationship what was your sexy number? How did you attract your SO, were there multiple people interested in you? During your relationship did you do things that lowered your number?

 

-Gain weight- Easily a reduction in sex number.

-Lose touch with friends- Losing touch translates to you're less in demand, lower social status. Nobody wants to date Mr./Mrs. Couch Potato.

-Give up on goals/hobbies- Losing direction, drive, ambition.

-Argue more- Those little things that didn't bother you in the beginning of the relationship now made you bicker with you SO. Lower self confidence.

 

I could go on and on... People that say "blinded by love", "lost myself in my SO", are usually the ones that let themselves get away. Your ex GF/BF was attracted to you for a reason. By moving away from the person you "were" to the "comfortable, relationship" you, you begin to lose sex number points in their eyes (while other opportunities become more attractive).

 

In this one or your next relationship ALWAYS improve, always be in demand, always work on your sex number. Don't just be a good guy/girl or a good BF/GF, be in demand, be social, be interesting, be in good shape, be an amazing lover, be the sexiest version of you that you can be!!

[iouaname]

Some of this resonates with me. Nothing changed physically about me, but I think that I got a little lost in the relationship and that factored into the break up a little bit. I think (even though he did a lot to cause me becoming so comfortable in the relationship) that it felt like too much pressure for him.

[stevie_23]

Well, I know why mine ended, and it wasn't really to do with any of this stuff, but I guess it was a bit of a part of it.

 

Everyone changes in a relationship, to a degree. Before getting in deeply with someone else, you are basically fully yourself, and you have no need for that person so...you are who you are, independent totally of them.

 

Once you develop intense love for them, you also develop a great need for them, and with this comes expectations. THIS is where you change in the relationship, and this is also when the pressure really starts, on both of you. If you're able to fulfil those needs, then excellent. But if you don't want to or can't, it causes problems.

 

You now have this need for someone that you didn't have before. When they're not there, or they hurt you or they do something you don't like or they don't do something you DO expect, you are different to how you were before, when you didn't need them.

[fiat500]

i find this to be flawed. you're always going to feel more attracted to someone who has just broken up with you. it's purely psychological. not everyone who gets dumped has let themselves go or have become couch potatoes.

 

if you're in college then most people there will go through relationships like they do toilet paper

[denxnis]

There are a few reasons why my relationship ended.

 

I wanted to and really would have put in 110% to make things right between my ex and I. Instead she cheated and left me for another guy which there is no excuse for.

 

Instead of analyzing all the mistakes that you've made listen to Lil'Wayne on this one, "hoes gon' be hoes, so I couldn't blame [insert ex name here]" .

 

Live and learn.

 

If your ex cheated on you or left you for someone else **** em. They are spineless and you will come out with a life lesson you can use in your future and tell your grand kids about.

 

FYI,

 

I'm way more fit than my ex, way more goal oriented, more money, better career, better social life, so your logic is inaccurate.

Edited January 22, 2013 by denxnis

[stevie_23]

I also agree that the original concept for this thread is superficial and flawed.

 

In terms of my ex, I am 34, he is 61. I am better looking than him. And yet he broke up with me. Those things in the OP are completely irrelevant.

[MyAngel]

I don't agree at all with the "hottest person says goodbye" but what stevie_23 said about needs changing, yes 100%. Falling in love with my ex changed me from the person I was in the beginning of our relationship, which started as a friendship. It went from being casual and fun to something that I fell deeply involved with and hence this made me more serious about what we had. I don't think she was looking for serious at all, so me being so deeply in love and needing her made her back away. Eh, guess I'll never know.

[stevie_23]

This is one of the hardest things about two people coming together in such a dependent and closely intimate relationship - the level of need verses the level of attraction to who your partner was when they DIDN'T need you.

 

I know I'm different now to who I was when my ex fell in love with me. He fell for a confident but quirky and neurotic girl who wrote a heap of songs about weird things, and then started writing a heap of songs about love due to him being my inspiration and muse. Who was funny and full of life and apparently had a "dark" side with anger issues but who never showed it at that stage. He found it intriguing.

 

Fast forward a year and I have shown that "dark" side in multiple ways. When he couldn't always be there for me, I'd throw it back in his face due to my insecurity. When he seemed to be pulling away (which I realised later he wasn't), I'd become an emotional and furious wreck of a woman. He no longer was intrigued by me and my darker side. He was exhausted by it.

 

I stopped writing songs entirely because I no longer felt the need to express myself in that particular way now that I had him there to express myself to in THAT way.

 

So. Yeah. Everyone changes. Everyone needs. It's hard.

[MyAngel]

I can relate to a lot of that Stevie. And that sucks because you would have all the "what if" thoughts too. What if I hadn't needed so much, what if I showed less insecurity, what if I could have reigned in my emotions more.... Maybe then she wouldn't have left. Do you think that about your man too? But I was true to myself and my emotions, I wasn't fake in any way.

[OJ loved Nicole]

Sorry, couldn't log on for a while.

 

i find this to be flawed. you're always going to feel more attracted to someone who has just broken up with you. it's purely psychological. not everyone who gets dumped has let themselves go or have become couch potatoes.

 

if you're in college then most people there will go through relationships like they do toilet paper

 

You obviously read the wrong thread, this wasn't titled "why your ex is more attractive to you when they leave". Where did I say you'll find your ex more attractive? It's how your ex was either a higher number than you in the beginning or found other opportunities more attractive than you and MAYBE you did something to downgrade yourself. Did I ever say everyone becomes a couch potato or everyone let's themselves go? The title says "prob". Do you think ex's leave to downgrade???

 

College kids are more inclined to think this way. AS SOON as something better comes along, they jump ship.

 

I wanted to and really would have put in 110% to make things right between my ex and I. Instead she cheated and left me for another guy which there is no excuse for.

 

Well maybe it was too late. You admitted not treating her like she deserved, looking for attention from other women. She might of had enough. Either way the next opportunity was more attractive, otherwise she would've stayed.

 

I'm way more fit than my ex, way more goal oriented, more money, better career, better social life, so your logic is inaccurate.

 

So you're the most fit, most goal oriented, have the most money, have the best career, best social life of ALL men?? Again, you think she left you to downgrade? Maybe you see it that way but I know 100% sure she doesn't, otherwise she would still be your GF.

[OJ loved Nicole]

In terms of my ex, I am 34, he is 61. I am better looking than him. And yet he broke up with me. Those things in the OP are completely irrelevant.

 

You never had a BF. The 61yr old was a married man who you had an online affair with for 2 years (who you never met). His wife found out and he simply went back to her.

[na49]

Ouch. My ex was the better looking one of us two? That does numbers for my confidence.

 

I understand what the purpose of this thread is though and I honestly thought about that last night. I wasn't really that confident when I was still with my ex. If anything I was comfortable, I didn't change a thing because I figured I didn't have to. I'll be the shy kid who doesn't say anything as long as she's still with me. Well now she's gone, so I'm in the process of changing. Starting the gym next week (hopefully), dressing better, trying to work on my confidence and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.

 

Unless this thread only applies to mutual breakups. What are your thoughts on cheating?

[OJ loved Nicole]

I don't agree at all with the "hottest person says goodbye" but what stevie_23 said about needs changing, yes 100%.

 

I don't think she was looking for serious at all, so me being so deeply in love and needing her made her back away. Eh, guess I'll never know.

 

So you think being needy made you more attractive than her? You think that's how Brad landed Angelina?

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I think my situation was a bit unique, since mine was a LDR and he was in my country on and off, for work... so, when he was here , for 2 weeks at a time, I wanted to spend every day with him (I think understandably).... Just the afternoons/evenings, of course, since he had to work, and I had stuff to work on (research and teaching).

 

Of the things you mentioned, only the following happened:

 

-Lose touch with friends- Losing touch translates to you're less in demand, lower social status. Nobody wants to date Mr./Mrs. Couch Potato.

Well, I did not really lose touch with friends -- but he knew I did not hang out with them because I wanted to hang out wth him instead... because he was in my country for a short while.. and my friends would be around all the time, after he had gone.. Plus, he himself was a couch potato and I kept trying to drag him to meet my friends but he didn't want to (now that I think about it, he probably didn't want it because he never thought it was a relationship, and didn't want to give it that "official" title).

 

-Argue more- Those little things that didn't bother you in the beginning of the relationship now made you bicker with you SO. Lower self confidence.

Well -- we mainly argued over things like: him saying he couldn't do a "serious relationship" right now, or him pushing for a threesome and then getting angry that I wasn't going out and finding a girl to sleep with us.... and at one point, I got angry because he pushed my hand away when I tried to initiate sex and I felt like that was very rude and abusive. Also, he was paranoid - if I didnt' mssg him as often as I usually did, he would accuse me of giving him the silent treatment, etc. Eventually, the arguments did have an effect on my self-confidence, not vice versa..

 

In retrospect, there were a lot of things I could've done differently: texted him much less when he seemed distant. But I didn't know what was wrong, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't something that *I* had done. And most of the time, he WAS distant because he was mad at me for something I had not even done... it was all in his head.. Or he was mad at me because, well, he was in the mood to be mad at me! But I made it worse because I tried to understand what was going on... and he shut down even more.. WTF?

 

I don't think there was any winning with this guy.. seriously. Not sure if it's because of the way he is in general, or because he did not want to be in a relationship with me, and so was doing all this stuff on purpose. Whatever the case, anyone who plays these mind games has a big motherf*cking load of unresolved baggage from his past ..

 

As for good-looking: um, I consider myself quite good-looking.. though I've had ups and downs as far as self-confidence and confidence in my looks goes.. I am not sure which of the two of us was "better-looking". I do know that he thought of himself as very handsome and sexy, but was constantly scared/worried/anxious that he was getting old and was losing his looks.

[stevie_23]

You never had a BF. The 61yr old was a married man who you had an online affair with for 2 years (who you never met). His wife found out and he simply went back to her.

 

Yeah, I know that. His wife found out a total of 4 times over our almost 2 year affair. He came back to me after the first 3 times, but the 4th time was too much for him.

[NoMoreJerks]

Some of this resonates with me. Nothing changed physically about me, but I think that I got a little lost in the relationship and that factored into the break up a little bit. I think (even though he did a lot to cause me becoming so comfortable in the relationship) that it felt like too much pressure for him.

Honestly, while this happens sometimes, I do think that a lot of the time it wasn't that WE got lost in the relationship, but that they weren't offering more than breadcrumbs to begin with! And initially, we were happy with that -- we saw a bread loaf instead of a crumb. I know that I wanted more, as time went on: nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing too demanding. Just things that most normal people would expect from a relationship. But he thought it was too much hassle/pressure for him, because, well, he was not willing to give me more than the few crumbs that I had been happy with in the first place.. These are the emotionally unavailable men/ commitment-phobes, who want the companionship and sex, but not the responsibilities/hassles/pressures that are inevitably part of every relationship. If they were committed/wanted a relationship/loved us, they would not have viewed any of these very normal expectations as "pressure" or "hassle."

[na49]

By moving away from the person you "were" to the "comfortable, relationship" you, you begin to lose sex number points in their eyes (while other opportunities become more attractive).

 

I don't understand this part too lol. So do they never change the way they were? Do they never become a more "comfortable relationship" them? Is that why we stay attracted to them?

[stevie_23]

I can relate to a lot of that Stevie. And that sucks because you would have all the "what if" thoughts too. What if I hadn't needed so much, what if I showed less insecurity, what if I could have reigned in my emotions more.... Maybe then she wouldn't have left. Do you think that about your man too? But I was true to myself and my emotions, I wasn't fake in any way.

 

Sometimes I do wonder this. He always said he only wanted me to be who I was, to never hold anything back and to always be myself. He said he needed that from me, and I also needed that from him. We always shared everything and never kept anything from the other in terms of how we were feeling and what we were thinking. We were very open and discussed everything very deeply. We’re both deep thinkers and very introspective in that way.

 

Anyway, but specifically, we had a discussion once (over the course of a few days actually) relating to how we were “imploding” for a few months prior to June last year. We had been together since April 2011, and in June 2012 he got really sick, had to go into hospital, had to get married to his partner (which he didn’t want to do), and he left me. Wrote me a heartfelt and emotional email telling me he couldn’t be the husband he so wanted to be for me. Couldn’t saddle me with his health problems, etc.

 

Anyway, we eventually after a month apart got back together. I persisted (gently) and he came back to me during that month. He later said he was misguided, and was so thrown by the recent events of his life and the fact his plans to really be with me properly couldn’t happen now that he had taken a step back. He had felt old for the first time ever, and sick, and he’d felt like we were an impossibility now. He also then said that he felt bad because who was HE to make that decision for US.

 

We had been fighting a lot up until that point. I didn’t even realise how much until I went back through our old texts from about March until June of that year. We always fought about the same thing – his partner (now wife), how he was restricted due to her, how he didn’t want to be with me enough to leave her so he could be free, etc. Practical complications. We had turned the fantasy of one day really being together into practical pressure and problems.

 

Once we came back together, the option of us ever really being together was kind of taken off the table FOR us, so we didn’t fight anymore (well, not for a long time anyway). The pressure was off. The expectation for certain things was gone.

 

I asked him, during this discussion we had, if he would have left me after getting sick and married, etc, if we had not been fighting so much and ready to “implode”. He said no way. That now (after getting back together) we were much more stable and calm. He felt that when we were fighting and with all those impossible practicalities in the way, we were heading for total meltdown and didn’t even realise. A lot of that was me. He was under a heap of pressure already, hiding us from his wife (who had already found out about us twice by that time), trying to live his life AND our life, trying constantly to be with me as much as he could, and then whenever he wasn’t able to, I would get demanding and angry and accuse him of not loving me. Then on top of that, he had me going through my own problems (various things) and threatening to hurt myself, or having health problems that scared him big time. He was ALWAYS there for me, but it would’ve stressed him out a lot.

 

So…yes. If we had ALWAYS been that stable and calm, well…maybe things would be a bit different now. But basically, I don’t think so. I still think eventually it would’ve gotten too hard for him. His wife kept finding out, again and again in different ways. It was too hard for him to balance two lives, knowing the one he really wanted could only ever be a fantasy. No amount of me being “perfect” could change that ultimately.

[stevie_23]

I don't understand this part too lol. So do they never change the way they were? Do they never become a more "comfortable relationship" them? Is that why we stay attracted to them?

 

No, this is why sometimes we become LESS attracted to them. Because they lose some of the "spark" or the independent qualities we were drawn to in the first place.

 

Also, and at the same time, even if they DON'T change and become that "comfortable relationship" version of themselves, WE lose the ability to appreciate who they were before / are now, because of familiarity.

 

Some of that familiarity I think is related to how we become more similar to our partner over time. We merge certain things...adopt certain of their mannerisms, expressions, behaviours. If you live with someone, especially, this tends to happen.

 

You know how they say if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else? I sometimes wonder if maybe this is partly why people kind of get a bit..."stale" in a relationship. Because they begin to see those similarities to themselves in their partner, and they don't like it. Because they don't like themselves all that much.

[na49]

No, this is why sometimes we become LESS attracted to them. Because they lose some of the "spark" or the independent qualities we were drawn to in the first place.

 

Also, and at the same time, even if they DON'T change and become that "comfortable relationship" version of themselves, WE lose the ability to appreciate who they were before / are now, because of familiarity.

 

Some of that familiarity I think is related to how we become more similar to our partner over time. We merge certain things...adopt certain of their mannerisms, expressions, behaviours. If you live with someone, especially, this tends to happen.

 

You know how they say if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else? I sometimes wonder if maybe this is partly why people kind of get a bit..."stale" in a relationship. Because they begin to see those similarities to themselves in their partner, and they don't like it. Because they don't like themselves all that much.

 

I'm saying "we" as the people who are dumped. You feel that both parties become less attracted to each other over time? I hear you on the becoming similar. I have become so much different since dating my ex, that some things have carried over. (She had a big impact on my wardrobe and what I used to think looked like crap, now I think it looks good)

 

I also understand that "if you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else" I definitely didn't love myself like I should have. It sucks because I learned so much since the BU I just wish that I would have known it all while I was still with my ex. Maybe we'd still be together... or maybe she'd still cheat on me. Meh

[boblet]

I also understand that "if you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else" I definitely didn't love myself like I should have. It sucks because I learned so much since the BU I just wish that I would have known it all while I was still with my ex. Maybe we'd still be together... or maybe she'd still cheat on me. Meh

 

Urgh I totally agree with this. I had the same issue and he did tell me about it a lot of times, but I just couldn't force myself to change, I really needed to be out of a relationship to work on those things and I don't think I would have had the courage to let go of him knowing this. I think sometimes we need drastic happenings such as BU's to kind of shake you to your core and make you realize things about yourself that can't possibly remain the same after going through something so emotionally wrenching. I live with that regret of "what if I had just changed while we were together" etc., but I think the most important thing is that lesson you learnt, it will come in handy for someone more worthwhile.... especially someone who would not disrespect you in the worst way by cheating. Idiots.

[OJ loved Nicole]

My last relationship is where this really hit home. When we met I was a fun guy, a lot of friends, went on trips, etc. During the relationship I stopped hanging with friends, I stopped going to the gym (I gained some weight). I was "blinded by love", all I wanted was to be with her. Well eventually she met somone else and left me. Then I started reading.

 

Well, I got back in shape, reconnected with friends and I have a new GF now and I will NEVER lose myself again! I act/do everything like I did before I met her, I simply invite her along. I couldn't count how many times I've left her at home because she didn't want to tag along. I'm not conforming, I'm not getting comfortable, I'm not changing. Guess what?? She wants me more and more every day. I'm being the sexy ME I have always been and I'm out meeting people, having fun..... In her eyes I'm always a threat to leave (I'm not, I do love her).

 

I'm not playing a game on her, I'm just being me, all the time, voice my opinions, call her out, setting her straight, having fun...... and I swear to you guys..... I have to almost beat her off me.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Well I think part of this holds true for me. I was in a very long term relationship and got extremely comfortable. I let myself go and I think that was a big part of the relationship failure. I gained so much weight that I was borderline obese among other things. Well guess what??? I'm back!!! I lost a ton of weight now I'm fit and wearing slim fit clothes. I improved so many things after our BU that i'm actually happy.

 

In hindsight it was worth the trade off. I lost her but I gained me back and to me that was all worth it. I'm happy with the new me and I'm still improving and rediscovering myself. As time progresses i'm only going to get better. Will I ever let myself go like that again??? Hell No!!!

 

Now...if I can only get over this stupid emotional roller coaster then I will be good.

Edited January 23, 2013 by ItxWillxGetxBetter

[na49]

My last relationship is where this really hit home. When we met I was a fun guy, a lot of friends, went on trips, etc. During the relationship I stopped hanging with friends, I stopped going to the gym (I gained some weight). I was "blinded by love", all I wanted was to be with her. Well eventually she met somone else and left me. Then I started reading.

 

Well, I got back in shape, reconnected with friends and I have a new GF now and I will NEVER lose myself again! I act/do everything like I did before I met her, I simply invite her along. I couldn't count how many times I've left her at home because she didn't want to tag along. I'm not conforming, I'm not getting comfortable, I'm not changing. Guess what?? She wants me more and more every day. I'm being the sexy ME I have always been and I'm out meeting people, having fun..... In her eyes I'm always a threat to leave (I'm not, I do love her).

 

I'm not playing a game on her, I'm just being me, all the time, voice my opinions, call her out, setting her straight, having fun...... and I swear to you guys..... I have to almost beat her off me.

 

It's actually annoying how right you are. I'm annoyed that I allowed myself to get comfortable. Would she have cheated on me if I wasn't comfortable? I can't help but ask questions... hindsight sucks.

 

I hate how "blinded by love" I was. It looks so stupid to me now. I never wanted to do anything but be with her. Whenever I went out with my friends she got very jealous and angry with me. I never cared when she went out with her friends but she ends up meeting people she likes more than me and finding the new "man of her dreams". I never thought about going to the gym when I was with her because I figured "Why bother? I have her, she's more than enough for me. I'm fine with me as I am" Now I have to work hard to find someone better than her. I hope it'll be worth it. I just feel like it'll never happen.

[stevie_23]

I think this is very common. Just the specific weight gain thing. Comfort, familiarity, routine, settled weight gain. Sometimes it’s both partners, and sometimes if it’s only one partner the other will eventually leave, citing a lack of attraction anymore. But I don’t think the weight is the reason. If a partner put on weight over time due to a thyroid condition for instance, the other partner if they were happy otherwise, would support them and stay with them regardless.

 

Sometimes people put on weight like this over time in a relationship because they’re not happy or they’ve lost themselves. THIS is why the other partner would be not as attracted to them anymore I think, not specifically the weight loss.

 

Good for you for losing the weight and finding yourself again!