Daydreams Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Hello everyone. I hope you can offer some help with this strange situation I find myself in. It's actually a two-parter... Part 1: I've been dating this guy for about 5 months and although he's been to my home, he's never invited me to his home. I know he's not married but he seems to be omitting something which may be almost as bad. He may have a legitimate excuse but to not be able to share that reason with me, makes me have serious doubts. Part 2: Besides the home thing, he's really a nice guy and we get along well. We seem to want the same things in life and morally, we are on the same page. He calls me often, takes my calls, likes and gets along with my children. My issue? I don't feel he's "the one". Maybe it's the home thing, or maybe it's the lack of butterflies but at my age (40+) are butterflies realistic? AND (this is the kicker) I've been having this weird feeling that my "real one" is out there, close by. I know that sounds crazy but its what I'm strongly feeling. Even if "the one" isn't close by, I know this current guy isn't the one. I don't want to make a mistake but I need to break this relationship off. I don't want him to think it's JUST about the house thing because that's easily remedied, meaning, he'll feel if he takes me there, all will be well but that's not the case anymore. He's just not the one. And I need the words to say to end it...kindly. Can anyone help... please?
billy1024 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Did you ever ask him why he doesn't want to go to his house together? Do you have any clues at all to as why he does not want to go to his house? He might just have a weird roomate or something. I think you need to still give it some time and continue to date him and find out a little more about his house.
Author Daydreams Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Thanks for your reply. I believe I've given it enough time and at this point, it's way beyond just "the house". Once I stepped back, I was able to see a few things I'm not willing to settle with, such as, our compatibility is off...I'm more of an extravert, he's more...sedate. There's other things that don't match with us and now, even if that issue "disappeared", I still don't feel as if he's the one for me. But that's neither here nor there now... we broke up this morning. I prayed about it all last night and I know my prayers were heard. I think he knew it was coming because he avoided speaking with me last night and this morning, the first thing out of his mouth was, "What do you have to say to me?" The good thing is, nothing negative was said and one day we hope to be friends. He's texted me several times after the conversation but I know this is best for both of us and am trying to keep it light. I pray it remains civil. Thanks again for replying. Just typing it out and getting it all off of my chest helped me a lot!
TrueAwareness Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I'm sorry to be kind of a dark clould here. But i really dont know how you can possibly believe in "the one" if you are 40, now single, and probably have been through a few relationships already. There is no "the one". There are only two kinds of people in this world. Those that expect the perfect partner to show up and live unhappy their wholes lives because they never feel complete. And those that understand that a real relationship is based on maturity, commitment, the desire to work hard together. The desire to spend their lives with the person they love, regardless of how many problems arise on the road. One thing is important though. The has to be a lot of love and passion involved in the first two years or so. Because that helps you realize that the person is very atractive to you and you really felt passionate love for them. And this way, when things get really hard, you can remember that you had those strong feelings, and this will help you get through the rough spots. In your case, it seems like it was always "meh" boring in your relationship with this guy. So i guess it's not that bad that you dumped him after just 5 months. 1
skweezd Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I do agree with TrueAwareness above though I must say, at first there should be an excitement when you see him (yes even at +40 as I'm 41). There should also be the components which allow you to build a strong foundation... mutual respect, laughter, common ground, trust, etc. Ask yourself this, when you see him do you want to kiss him? Do you want to stare in his eyes for just a minute? If you answer yes, then there's nothing to second guess. Good luck.
Stoic44 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Maybe he's ashamed of his house--has roommates, keeps pets, or he's just poor. But it is a little shady. At 5 mos. he should be telling you what's up. The more serious issue is the lack of spark. While the initial spark of infatuation can fade, if you never felt it...and are feeling someone else is out there...well, you know, use the force.
Author Daydreams Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) When I say "the one" I'm in no way speaking of a perfect person. And yes, I am 40+ (46) but I was married for 23 years, been divorced for two years, and have NOT been through a lot of relationships already. I'm not naive in any sense of the word and don't look for anyone to complete me because I'm already complete...but yes, I do believe there's someone out there for me, who's perfect FOR ME. I'm not expecting a perfect person at all. And Skweed, you are correct. I do want to become excited when I think about him and/or see him; I do want to feel as if I don't have to give instructions on how to "date" me; and I don't want to feel as if I have to change myself to be with him. My issue was the fear that his feelings would persuade me to "try again" when I'd already come to the conclusion that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship...and this would have been even harder for me when my main "excuse" was "you're not the one". I appreciate your stance! It allowed me to expand a little more on the problem that was at hand and hopefully it can be of help to someone else! Edited January 23, 2013 by Daydreams
Author Daydreams Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Maybe he's ashamed of his house--has roommates, keeps pets, or he's just poor. But it is a little shady. At 5 mos. he should be telling you what's up. The more serious issue is the lack of spark. While the initial spark of infatuation can fade, if you never felt it...and are feeling someone else is out there...well, you know, use the force. Yeah, I think it was a little shady also as he wasn't poor and claimed he didn't have roommates or pets. AND it wasn't until AFTER we broke up, that later that day, he gave me the invitation to visit! No thanks...don't know why I would want to now....
dumPI Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 40+ and still hang up on butterflies ... this society is sick
Author Daydreams Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 Ahhh...yes! "Butterflies" aka "the spark" must exist, even if it fades in and out on occasion...
Allumere Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 40+ and still hang up on butterflies ... this society is sick How can you not have butterflies or a spark or whatever the hell you call it? I'm 44 and absolutely agree there has to be butterflies. That goes with the attraction...and if I am not attracted to someone than why would I stay with them. Maybe what one uses to define or identify attraction is different and in most cases it is simplier than that...basic chemistry. I have been friends with gents that are just knockouts and have personalities that are just as outstanding....and never even gave them a thought. I have stood next to complete strangers on the subway that are not anywhere in the range of my usual type and had my heart flutter...whats that all about. IMHO you must have that feeling at some point for the person, whether its from the very minute you meet or 3 months down the line when you have gotten to know the person and look at them and go "ah ha!"....otherwise you are settling. Of course the trick is understanding sometimes it is only physical chemistry and folks usually figure that out in the first 3 -6 months. 1
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