Iotome Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) So I'm going to start this out by apologizing for the long read. Anyways here is my story. I started a relationship with this girl 5 months ago and she is my first real girlfriend, I had one in High school but that was short lived and ended badly so I only dated with nothing serious for a long time after. Anyways after a couple weeks of dating my current girlfriend I thought that I had waited long enough and that she was so amazing I was willing to go ahead and commit to a relationship. At about the 4 month mark I started to have doubts. We started to fight more and every time it seemed 90% of it was me doing something wrong and anytime it would be something I was mad at her for she would have a way of turning it around on me (though I get mad very seldom). Usually when she was mad I would immediately apologize once I found out what it was and try to make it up to her. Now more recently she brought this up and admitted that she is often mad at me for things she shouldn't be mad at me for and that she needs to work on it as well as turning things around. I kind of think that treating me well is not something that should have to be worked on but oh well it's nice that she admitted it. Aside from her being mad at me all the time I have started to feel like I can't be myself when she is around. I feel like she has tried to make me the guy that she would want to be with rather than me actually being that guy to begin with. I think this because of how much I have changed for her, I talk different when she is around and around my friends, I wear different clothes because she doesn't like the ones I wore before and I cut my hair differently too. The appearance stuff I am mostly alright with because I do look much better, but the way she went about it was what got to me. Saying "those look terrible" and "really you're wearing that?" instead of something like "Hey you would look much better in this". So where I am at now I have come to the realization that I may have to break this off. I have been turned down and dumped from casual dating many times before and for some reason this seems so much harder than any of that. Every time we are together and happy I think "Why would I dump her?". Every time I hold her it hurts to think about letting her go. I was always really terrible at confrontation. I do love her very much and she has changed my life in a big way but I just don't know. Anyways sorry for the long post and thanks for reading it, your opinions would mean a lot. Edited January 22, 2013 by Iotome Title messed up.
Samilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 So I'm going to start this out by apologizing for the long read. Anyways here is my story. I started a relationship with this girl 5 months ago and she is my first real girlfriend, I had one in High school but that was short lived and ended badly so I only dated with nothing serious for a long time after. Anyways after a couple weeks of dating my current girlfriend I thought that I had waited long enough and that she was so amazing I was willing to go ahead and commit to a relationship. At about the 4 month mark I started to have doubts. We started to fight more and every time it seemed 90% of it was me doing something wrong and anytime it would be something I was mad at her for she would have a way of turning it around on me (though I get mad very seldom). Usually when she was mad I would immediately apologize once I found out what it was and try to make it up to her. Now more recently she brought this up and admitted that she is often mad at me for things she shouldn't be mad at me for and that she needs to work on it as well as turning things around. I kind of think that treating me well is not something that should have to be worked on but oh well it's nice that she admitted it. Aside from her being mad at me all the time I have started to feel like I can't be myself when she is around. I feel like she has tried to make me the guy that she would want to be with rather than me actually being that guy to begin with. I think this because of how much I have changed for her, I talk different when she is around and around my friends, I wear different clothes because she doesn't like the ones I wore before and I cut my hair differently too. The appearance stuff I am mostly alright with because I do look much better, but the way she went about it was what got to me. Saying "those look terrible" and "really you're wearing that?" instead of something like "Hey you would look much better in this". So where I am at now I have come to the realization that I may have to break this off. I have been turned down and dumped from casual dating many times before and for some reason this seems so much harder than any of that. Every time we are together and happy I think "Why would I dump her?". Every time I hold her it hurts to think about letting her go. I was always really terrible at confrontation. I do love her very much and she has changed my life in a big way but I just don't know. Anyways sorry for the long post and thanks for reading it, your opinions would mean a lot. Just be honest, she's not what you need and it is better to break it off.
na49 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I have respect for you man. I bent over backwards and became a b*tch for my ex. So props for realizing this girl isn't for you and ending it before you get more hurt. As for how to do it? Just communicate the way you feel about it, don't sugarcoat and let her know. Maybe you guys can work on it? Maybe not.
destroyed4sho Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I may be like the girl of this story, so I will give you my perspective. She is not trying to hurt you in anyway. She sounds like she is sensitive and maybe reluctant to trust someone close to her so her emotional thermostat is turned on high when you say something that may sound a bit offensive. You may say something that may not mean anything to you but she may take it the wrong way and confront you about it. And this leads to an argument. I think that her intentions are good, however she may need to be told to tone it down a bit.Give her a warning before you completely dump her.
fiat500 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Hello Iotome, I've been waiting for a thread like this. First of all, you're right. When two people are in a relationship, one person shouldn't have to work on being nice to the other. There's a serious problem if one of you has to go out of their way to be nice and it's definitely the first red flag. Second of all, if your significant other is mad at you all the time it's a tell tale sign that you and her are not on the same level and are not going to work out unless she commits to accepting you for who you are instead of who she wants you to be. It seems to me, even though she's admitted that she needs to be nicer to you, she has some serious issues she needs to work on herself. And she's a bit immature. She can't accept you for you. Has she taken any strides to treat you like a human being since you spoke to her about this? No normal person would want to change their significant other. You shouldn't have to work on eggshells around her either. Tell her you shouldn't have to feel constant stress of not dressing 'the way she prefers' Let her know that bringing things up negatively all the time instead of constructively hurts you. If you have gone through this already and she continues to make you feel bad then tell her it's time to go your separate ways and perhaps she'll find a partner that she won't have to tell how to dress. make sure you do this face to face
fiat500 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) I may be like the girl of this story, so I will give you my perspective. She is not trying to hurt you in anyway. She sounds like she is sensitive and maybe reluctant to trust someone close to her so her emotional thermostat is turned on high when you say something that may sound a bit offensive. You may say something that may not mean anything to you but she may take it the wrong way and confront you about it. And this leads to an argument. I think that her intentions are good, however she may need to be told to tone it down a bit.Give her a warning before you completely dump her. i don't know the whole story. no one is perfect in a relationship and things need to be worked on from both sides BUT... being mad at someone all the time or being an emotional mess around someone you don't have any reason to be mad at simply because you have trust issues is a major problem that needs to be worked on at an internal level and is not the responsibility of your partner, i'm sorry. you can BE THERE for a partner who is dealing with trust issues but if it gets to a point where he or she is telling you how to dress or bringing things up negatively like 'those look terrible' is abusive. this girl has issues she needs to work on herself and shouldn't be a main cause of stress for this guy just because he's not looking the way she wants him to. also he seems to have brought this up to her already and she's not changing. so he needs to leave this selfish and immature relationship ASAP. Edited January 22, 2013 by fiat500
Author Iotome Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Thanks for all the replies so far, it is nice to get different opinions. I may be like the girl of this story, so I will give you my perspective. She is not trying to hurt you in anyway. She sounds like she is sensitive and maybe reluctant to trust someone close to her so her emotional thermostat is turned on high when you say something that may sound a bit offensive. You may say something that may not mean anything to you but she may take it the wrong way and confront you about it. And this leads to an argument. I think that her intentions are good, however she may need to be told to tone it down a bit.Give her a warning before you completely dump her. She was actually worse in the beginning. It was about a month in when she started this and to be honest it took me a little by surprise. She has calmed down a little since then but she did say in the beginning that she was being defensive. I adapted to this and after that point would never say anything in any negative way (even jokingly) toward her. The only problem was she would say things like "You're lucky you're cute" when I would do something dumb. Or jokingly say "My next boyfriend will do blah blah blah". Again I know she was only joking but if I said anything to that extent she would get mad at me for it.
Yamcha Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I have respect for you man. I bent over backwards and became a b*tch for my ex. So props for realizing this girl isn't for you and ending it before you get more hurt. As for how to do it? Just communicate the way you feel about it, don't sugarcoat and let her know. Maybe you guys can work on it? Maybe not.Couldn't have said it better myself. Though I wouldn't say I was completely a bitch for my ex. Kinda sorta. Well, except when we were role playing. And I gave it 3 times harder than I got it!
Author Iotome Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Hello Iotome, Has she taken any strides to treat you like a human being since you spoke to her about this? I know I am repeating this so I am sorry. But like I wrote to destroyed she was a lot worse in the beginning and said she had been hurt before and maybe had her guard up. Now when she gets mad it is more toward things I do rather then things I say because I don't talk negatively about her in anyway even as a joke. Her bringing this up to the full extent was actually quite recent so I can't really tell if she has taken strides yet. I should have pointed out in the beginning that she does suffer from diabetes so it does get really bad when she is hungry, but usually I write that off because I know that's the reason and just think to myself she will be fine when she has eaten. I think what I will probably end up doing is bringing up to her how I feel that she is trying to create the man she wants rather then me being him. I think by pointing that out and not necessarily coming right out and say we need to break up, it will be apparent to her what needs to happen. Honestly I don't think she should have to work to accept me for who I am, but I love her and have invested so much into us at this point I feel like trying. But again I am a first timer so this might be a bad idea and I just don't know it yet.
Samilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I know I am repeating this so I am sorry. But like I wrote to destroyed she was a lot worse in the beginning and said she had been hurt before and maybe had her guard up. Now when she gets mad it is more toward things I do rather then things I say because I don't talk negatively about her in anyway even as a joke. Her bringing this up to the full extent was actually quite recent so I can't really tell if she has taken strides yet. I should have pointed out in the beginning that she does suffer from diabetes so it does get really bad when she is hungry, but usually I write that off because I know that's the reason and just think to myself she will be fine when she has eaten. I think what I will probably end up doing is bringing up to her how I feel that she is trying to create the man she wants rather then me being him. I think by pointing that out and not necessarily coming right out and say we need to break up, it will be apparent to her what needs to happen. Honestly I don't think she should have to work to accept me for who I am, but I love her and have invested so much into us at this point I feel like trying. But again I am a first timer so this might be a bad idea and I just don't know it yet. I think that you're real question is "can she change", probably not.
stevie_23 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I think just talk to her openly. Tell her how you feel, deep down. That you love her, but...the way she makes you feel? It's not making you as happy as you want to be in a relationship with her or ANY intimate / romantic relationship. My best friend's ex partner used to criticise her clothes ALL the time. I never understood why this impacted on her ex's happiness to the extent it seemed to. Who cares what your partner wears!? Let them be themselves and relax about it. She seems very young. And she also sounds a bit like me at times. I would often be angry at things that really didn't deserve any anger, towards my partners. I was insecure in myself, had abandonment and trust issues, feelings of inferiority and would push them away before they left me themselves, so to speak. It was almost as if I "blamed" them for my own feelings which in the end, were nothing to do with them. In any case, if you speak openly to her, see what she has to say. If she freaks out and gets defensive, say you will try to talk to her again about it when she is calm. But you will only talk to her at that stage, not before, because there is no point otherwise. If you honestly think, based on this discussion you have, that you can be happy with her IF she does things to make changes (and if she makes these changes, if SHE can still be happy too), then give it a go. I'd suggest counselling together, and for her separately too perhaps. If you think it'd be best to just move on and let it go, that it'd be like "flogging a dead horse" to continue trying to struggle through in this relationship, and that you love her but that isn't always enough to maintain a happy and functional relationship? Then be gentle, kind and respectful towards her, and walk away.
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