BT760 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hello,[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]New here and I need help with some problems. This weekend mywife left me a one page letter about how unhappy she has become in our 7 yearmarriage. She writes letters because she dosen't feel she can communicate withme. She explains she "no longer wishes to have a marriage of mediocrity. Iwant freedom of expression, passion, love and mutual respect." She goes onto say "Are you happy with our relationship? I have serious doubts youare. I am not happy with how I see us together and I see our relationshipunraveling and coming apart. I have changed from the person you first met. Iwant a deeper level of communication, spiritual enlightenment and an evenhealthier lifestyle and am actively seeking those things. I do not think thatthese things that I want are the same for you. If you are still in love with meI do not feel it though I love who you are as a person I do not feel in lovewith you". She ended it with: "I am not willing to continue ourrelationship as it is. I feel that our paths have changed and it may be time tomove on"[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is why I am bewildered. There was nothing major thatcaused this. No infidelity, no drinking or staying out late ignoring her. Ispent the majority of my time with her until it got to where I only had acouple good friends left. We had just bought a house together two years ago andI loved seeing her cook and entertain for her friends. We were saving for atrip to Europe this year. I even re-took a backpacking class that she's aleader so that we could spend more time together.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She came home the other night after staying at a friendshouse overnight. I greeted her and we hugged. Then we sat down to talk. Ididn't get angry or jump to accusations but calmly said despite what her lettersaid I loved her and still was in love with her. We cried a bit and then sheasked me if I wanted to know what finally "broke the camels back". Ifelt a pit in my heart and said go on.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] "I didn't likeyou telling me that we needed more money in our acct to pay the bills"(When we first met she was a mental and finacial wreck. She was on Paxil from amental breakdown and had also recently declared bankruptcy. I helped wean heroff the Paxil and slowly we got all her bills paid, her car re-financed andcredit worthy. While we have been married I have always had to look after thefinances because she showed no interest in where the money went. Last year shedecided to go part time from her job to start her own business which didn't gofar and I would stress because less money was coming in and we had to meet themortgage payment and nothing was going into savings. So I had to remindher sometimes that we needed some ofher business money in our joint acct and she felt like she was being told byher dad. Do you know how much it sucks to have to remind your significant otherabout money issues and then try to be romantic/sexual with her later?)[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]"I had to throw food away in secret so you wouldn't getmad" (She constantly would buy a lot of groceries and not use them so theyhad to be thrown out. She would ask what we were making for diner and I wouldsay "lets see what needs to be eaten". Then I would find all the foodthat had gone bad and I would plead with her not to waste food)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]"I didn't like that you complained about the meditationpillow I bought" (I mentioned "can't you just use one of ourpillows?" She always has a bad habit of buying things to try and neverfollows through with them so they sit all around the house).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]"I didn't like how you responded to my text when I putmy cat down" (I said "I am so sorry baby. Do you have the other catwith you and what should I make you for diner?" I also hugged her andreplied how sorry I was when she got home. I hindsight, I probably shouldn'thave brought up what she wanted for diner)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]And the last point that twists the knife in each of us guys:"The last time we had sex it wasn't so great" (Gee, I can rememberher telling me how long her orgasam was!)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I was shocked that these were the reasons why she wanted togive up on seven years of marriage. I had to remain calm though because shestill has to live here and it wasn't going to help out the finacials we wouldhave to deal with either. I tried to give her an explanation to each of hergreivences but I could tell it was going nowhere. I finally got frustrated andsaid "marriage dosen't mean a thing anymore. I don't know why anyonebothers". I took my ring off later that night (couldn't sleep anyway) andthrew it to the back of the drawer. I told her I was heartbroken but, onceagain, I told her I loved her and was still in love with her.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She then tells me I can have the house but if I ever sell itto give her a cut of the profit. I became scared because I realized that thebank may not refinance in my name only because I don't make that much income.So on top of my wife leaving me I have to worry if my dog and I will have ahouse to live in after all this and I don't have the kind of dog they likeliving in apartments. The only good in all this is that we don't have anychildren to be affected. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I'm reaching out to the women on this site mainly because Idon't have any female friends to ask advice or get their point of view. All myguy friends naturally think it's bull**** that she's leaving because of this.Sorry for being so long winded with the details but I'm still trying to makesense of all this and it feels a little better writing it out.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
tojaz Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 New here and I need help with some problems. This weekend mywife left me a one page letter about how unhappy she has become in our 7 yearmarriage. She writes letters because she dosen't feel she can communicate withme. She explains she "no longer wishes to have a marriage of mediocrity. Iwant freedom of expression, passion, love and mutual respect." She goes onto say "Are you happy with our relationship? I have serious doubts youare. I am not happy with how I see us together and I see our relationshipunraveling and coming apart. I have changed from the person you first met. Iwant a deeper level of communication, spiritual enlightenment and an evenhealthier lifestyle and am actively seeking those things. I do not think thatthese things that I want are the same for you. If you are still in love with meI do not feel it though I love who you are as a person I do not feel in lovewith you". She ended it with: "I am not willing to continue ourrelationship as it is. I feel that our paths have changed and it may be time tomove on" This is why I am bewildered. There was nothing major thatcaused this. No infidelity, no drinking or staying out late ignoring her. Ispent the majority of my time with her until it got to where I only had acouple good friends left. We had just bought a house together two years ago andI loved seeing her cook and entertain for her friends. We were saving for atrip to Europe this year. I even re-took a backpacking class that she's aleader so that we could spend more time together. She came home the other night after staying at a friendshouse overnight. I greeted her and we hugged. Then we sat down to talk. Ididn't get angry or jump to accusations but calmly said despite what her lettersaid I loved her and still was in love with her. We cried a bit and then sheasked me if I wanted to know what finally "broke the camels back". Ifelt a pit in my heart and said go on. "I didn't likeyou telling me that we needed more money in our acct to pay the bills"(When we first met she was a mental and finacial wreck. She was on Paxil from amental breakdown and had also recently declared bankruptcy. I helped wean heroff the Paxil and slowly we got all her bills paid, her car re-financed andcredit worthy. While we have been married I have always had to look after thefinances because she showed no interest in where the money went. Last year shedecided to go part time from her job to start her own business which didn't gofar and I would stress because less money was coming in and we had to meet themortgage payment and nothing was going into savings. So I had to remindher sometimes that we needed some ofher business money in our joint acct and she felt like she was being told byher dad. Do you know how much it sucks to have to remind your significant otherabout money issues and then try to be romantic/sexual with her later?) "I had to throw food away in secret so you wouldn't getmad" (She constantly would buy a lot of groceries and not use them so theyhad to be thrown out. She would ask what we were making for diner and I wouldsay "lets see what needs to be eaten". Then I would find all the foodthat had gone bad and I would plead with her not to waste food) "I didn't like that you complained about the meditationpillow I bought" (I mentioned "can't you just use one of ourpillows?" She always has a bad habit of buying things to try and neverfollows through with them so they sit all around the house). "I didn't like how you responded to my text when I putmy cat down" (I said "I am so sorry baby. Do you have the other catwith you and what should I make you for diner?" I also hugged her andreplied how sorry I was when she got home. I hindsight, I probably shouldn'thave brought up what she wanted for diner) And the last point that twists the knife in each of us guys:"The last time we had sex it wasn't so great" (Gee, I can rememberher telling me how long her orgasam was!) I was shocked that these were the reasons why she wanted togive up on seven years of marriage. I had to remain calm though because shestill has to live here and it wasn't going to help out the finacials we wouldhave to deal with either. I tried to give her an explanation to each of hergreivences but I could tell it was going nowhere. I finally got frustrated andsaid "marriage dosen't mean a thing anymore. I don't know why anyonebothers". I took my ring off later that night (couldn't sleep anyway) andthrew it to the back of the drawer. I told her I was heartbroken but, onceagain, I told her I loved her and was still in love with her. She then tells me I can have the house but if I ever sell itto give her a cut of the profit. I became scared because I realized that thebank may not refinance in my name only because I don't make that much income.So on top of my wife leaving me I have to worry if my dog and I will have ahouse to live in after all this and I don't have the kind of dog they likeliving in apartments. The only good in all this is that we don't have anychildren to be affected. I'm reaching out to the women on this site mainly because Idon't have any female friends to ask advice or get their point of view. All myguy friends naturally think it's bull**** that she's leaving because of this.Sorry for being so long winded with the details but I'm still trying to makesense of all this and it feels a little better writing it out. Lets try that
Yasuandio Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You need to listen to the Homer McDonald taped interviews RIGHT NOW. Specifically the three sentence method. IMMEDIATELY. Don't wait. Don't start begging and pleading. Google his name and the word "interview." I have read everything. I put him at my top two reads. And the other read is for women only. I'm telling you man, this is your only saviour if you want one. Cause, dude, she is a Walk Away Wife if there ever was one. She has someone rite now. That is what she was up to on the night out. Her friendgirl was covering for her. No more relationship talk. Go - listen to those tapes, and read the material. Liten to the tapes over and over - like ten times till you get it. That's my advice. If you have questions, hit me. 1
tojaz Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You say that there was nothing major that caused this, but I'm assuming your referring to yourself. Has anything else changed for her that might have gotten her thinking about these things? New friends, groups, activities? TOJAZ
Author BT760 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Thanks for the reply. All I can think of is she just turned 40 (mid life crisis), her cat just died of 20 years or she's fed up that her business didn't take off like she thought it would.
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Thanks for the reply. All I can think of is she just turned 40 (mid life crisis), her cat just died of 20 years or she's fed up that her business didn't take off like she thought it would. OMG... You spent your whole post telling us what she was unhappy with about you - and now you mention a mid-life crisis, a dead cat and a failed business? Honey, I hate to tell you, but whatever the complete picture - you need to take responsibility for what she perceived as insensitivity. This above post? After everything you wrote? is 'insensitivity'. Own your part. You're 50% responsible for the maintenance, upkeep and care of the relationship. By the sound of it, from her perspective, she felt controlled by you, and resented your criticisms. Women look to other comforts when the loving and caring intimacy they desire, is lacking. Too many groceries? Comfort shopping. Meditation cushion? Comfort shopping. Your entire post makes you sound like her dad. Ask her what she feels you might be able to do, together, to try to apply some kind of remedy. But brace yourself for the knock-back. She may be sick and tired of waiting for you to be a husband instead of a father. And no amount of your trying to persuade her that you can change, will convince her. She needed change, long ago. This is my current appraisal of what this all means, right now. 1
trippi1432 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 A lot of women have a "daddy complex", they want to feel secure, loved, protected...but they don't want to be controlled. They want to be equal and appreciated for their efforts in the marriage...something that daddy can't give them because it is a different relationship.
Holyoak Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I love who you are as a person I do not feel in lovewith youPlease, PLEASE find out who the other dude is first and FAST!... This is classic ILYBNILWY crap right from the cheaters handbook, and I can not recall a single instance on any board where a WW said this, and another cheater was not involved, NEVER! Her whole letter screams, "I have already found someone, and was too chicken**** to ever say prior that I was unhappy/problems needing fixed", whatever... Pure defacto, garden variety blameshifting from a cheater. She came home the other night after staying at a friends house overnight.Really, have definitive proof of this? (not friends word). Again, almost without exception when I read that, combined with what I read in the letter, classic cheater script. "The last time we had sex it wasn't so great"This shows a complete lack of respect for you, and again screams ****buddy is on the scene. I truly am sorry for the shock of what you are going through, and fully understand the pain, but from my perspective it seems you provided her a way out ($$$ bailout), and now she is moving on after using you... That sucks, and getting a WW to return is very, very slim... They have had a long head start to loose feelings for you and detach, place these feelings elsewhere, and they have conditioned/deluded themselves to see you as the bad-guy, and never want you back because they have another situation already lined up. I'd wish her on her way, file for D, and see how this all unfolds after she is served. Again, I'm terribly sorry for your pain, but this has affair written all over it! Please do NOT blame one iota of yourself if indeed she is in an affair, NOT ONE effing bit!!! Make sure to stay hydrated, eat well, and try to exercise; this crap can literally run you down to the point of needing emergency care if you neglect your own needs. I'm pulling for you BT760!
Yasuandio Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Please, PLEASE find out who the other dude is first and FAST!... This is classic ILYBNILWY crap right from the cheaters handbook, and I can not recall a single instance on any board where a WW said this, and another cheater was not involved, NEVER! Her whole letter screams, "I have already found someone, and was too chicken**** to ever say prior that I was unhappy/problems needing fixed", whatever... Pure defacto, garden variety blameshifting from a cheater. YES Really, have definitive proof of this? (not friends word). Again, almost without exception when I read that, combined with what I read in the letter, classic cheater script. YES This shows a complete lack of respect for you, and again screams ****buddy is on the scene. F-Buddy to be exact. Another YES. I truly am sorry for the shock of what you are going through, and fully understand the pain, but from my perspective it seems you provided her a way out ($$$ bailout), and now she is moving on after using you... That sucks, and getting a WW to return is very, very slim... They have had a long head start to loose feelings for you and detach, place these feelings elsewhere, and they have conditioned/deluded themselves to see you as the bad-guy, and never want you back because they have another situation already lined up. TRUE, TRUE, AND TRUE. YOU BETTER LISTEN. I'd wish her on her way, file for D, and see how this all unfolds after she is served. Again, I'm terribly sorry for your pain, but this has affair written all over it! Please do NOT blame one iota of yourself if indeed she is in an affair, NOT ONE effing bit!!! Make sure to stay hydrated, eat well, and try to exercise; this crap can literally run you down to the point of needing emergency care if you neglect your own needs. TRY HOMER. I'm pulling for you BT760! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, AND SHUT UP (or you will mess uo royally). 3 SENTENCE METHOD, PERIOD. THIS IS THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. HAPPY TALK, NICE TALK. NO SERIOUS TALK. ENTHUSASTICALLY AGREE WTH SEPARATION/DIVORCE. AGREE/OFFER TO HELP HER FIND A NEW PLACE, AND HELP HER PACK. GO LITE NC. HAPPY TALK. SINCE YOU LOVE HER - YOU WANY HER TO HAVE WHAT SHE DESIRES, RIGHT? (that's right, for now). HOMER MCDONALD IS YOUR ONLY ALTERNATIVE (IF YOU WANT HER BACK). LISTEN TO THOSE TAPES 20 TIMES OVER, SOLDIER, OR FORGET IT, AND WE'll SEE YA TUESDAY.
Almond_Joy Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 OMG... You spent your whole post telling us what she was unhappy with about you - and now you mention a mid-life crisis, a dead cat and a failed business? Honey, I hate to tell you, but whatever the complete picture - you need to take responsibility for what she perceived as insensitivity. This above post? After everything you wrote? is 'insensitivity'. Own your part. You're 50% responsible for the maintenance, upkeep and care of the relationship. By the sound of it, from her perspective, she felt controlled by you, and resented your criticisms. Women look to other comforts when the loving and caring intimacy they desire, is lacking. Too many groceries? Comfort shopping. Meditation cushion? Comfort shopping. Your entire post makes you sound like her dad. Ask her what she feels you might be able to do, together, to try to apply some kind of remedy. But brace yourself for the knock-back. She may be sick and tired of waiting for you to be a husband instead of a father. And no amount of your trying to persuade her that you can change, will convince her. She needed change, long ago. This is my current appraisal of what this all means, right now. Is it his fault that she waited until she hit the breaking point to state the things he did that bothered her though? I mean we only have his word to go on, but she doesn't sound like she's been very assertive in placing boundaries and curtailing his criticisms. And he wouldn't have known that she resents all these things if she never said anything. All these things that have been bothering her for years are insufferable when compounded by the recent traumatic events that she's gone through, and to me it sounds like she just wants to burn her life to the ground and start over. OP, I'm not saying that you don't have some things to work on, but I do think it was really, really unfair of your wife to spring all this on you, after suffering it for years in silence. Because what can you do about all that built up resentment now? You can't make amends or repair those past instances now - it sounds like she hasn't given you a chance to change the dynamic of the relationship. If you can get her to at least take a real shot to work on the relationship again, I think that needs to be addressed. Something I see a lot of women (including myself!) do is keep silent about the little day to day things that bother us for eons, because we don't want to rock the boat. Then something major happens, and all those accumulated moments of resentment and frustration are like kindle for a fire (metaphorically speaking, the fire being the major event). And once the fire's started it doesn't stop until the fuel is all used up or vented. The guy, not knowing there was a huge problem to start with, just gets burned and doesn't understand what the hell happened. This is a horrible way to find out, but now you know to just be a little less....controlling I guess? Maybe instead of stepping in and taking care of things where you feel she's irresponsible, talk to her first. Ask her how she wants to handle things and why. This goes for any time you feel you need to step in - grocery shopping, household bills, whatever. No thing is too small or trivial to ask her for input here. It does seem to me that financial security and stability and resourcefulness is not as high a priority for her as it is for you, and if that's the case you two need to learn to appreciate your different values. TaraMaiden's point above would be a good place to approach another talk from. Start off by acknowledging that she has gone through a lot recently, and that your criticizing of her probably hasn't been helpful (even if they are valid/rational, it's not what she needs to hear right now). Ask what you can do to support her at this time. If she truly hasn't said anything about any of these things that bothered her before now, point out that now that you are aware that these things bother her, you will work on being less critical and controlling. This statement from the letter: "If you are still in love with me I do not feel it" Gives me the impression that she has not received the affection, encouragement, and/or appreciation from you that she has wanted for a long time. So don't just tell her you love her. Tell her all the ways she's enhanced your life. Why do you love having her in your life so much? What are the things she loves to do that you love to see her doing? What are the things she does on a day to day basis that you really appreciate? I think it would help her to hear from you why you love her and want her to stay - not just because you've been together for 7 years and don't want to lose the house. If she opens up enough to you for you to get this far, then this may be the time to ask her to assert herself more often. If she agrees to work on the relationship and wants it to work she has to speak up when things bother her, no matter how often that is or what those things may be. A problem can't be fixed if it isn't voiced and it's only fair that she gives you that chance in the future. It's not fair to her to let herself suffer or feel bad about things by keeping silent either - she's doing both of you a disservice. Hope this helps, and that she has a change of heart and decides to work with you. It doesn't seem to me that this is something that can't be fixed with communication and patience but she has to be willing to put in the work. Good luck.
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