Act Two Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 For those of you divorced or separated with children, what helped them the most to adjust? I am hoping to hear from what worked or didn't work, or what has been hard for your children. I know this is really a broad topic, but I am sick about the upcoming separation/divorce for my kids. I believe that ultimately it is necessary, but this is excruciating!! My kids are (almost) 14, 11, and 9.
UpwardForward Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Unequivocally, I can say, my strength is what caused the best adjustment in my children. They got into trouble in the beginning (at my vegetative stage). I narrowed in on them and our future. As I became stronger, so did they. 2
K Os Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 My son is rising 15. My wife and I have been separated for 6 months now. It's hard for me to speak for him and say what has or hasn't helped him to adjust to the new situation. A couple of times he's said he feels he has to keep us both happy with him, and that's hard at times. This has particularly cropped up on 'changeover' days, when he's late moving from one house to the other for some reason. So we've become more flexible about this and leave it more up to him. Another thing he told me recently is that he prefers his mum's (new) home because our (old) home reminds him of how things used to be as a family, and it's sad. Now I *really* want to move house too. Another thing that helps me, but may be hard for him, is that I don't say anything at all to him about his mother. She's not a topic of conversation, and he knows that intuitively and avoids it, but I'm not sure if he finds that hard to handle. My wife and I only communicate in writing. Not much fun going on there...
ataloss8270 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Unfortunately for me my kids are way to young to talk to me about what is going on. My 17 month old doesn't seem to be effect to much by this and my 4 year old is doing his best to cope. I reinforce to him daily that I love him and I am extremely proud of him. I let him get his emotions out in a healthy way and tell him its OK to cry. It kills me to see how sad he is and how much this all effects him. I also try my best to keep them occupied by playing with them and keeping them busy. I just wish they were a little older so I could really know what's going on in their little hearts and minds.
Caldespair Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 As much as my impending d is, I am am thankful my kids are 16 and 18. I really feel for you guys with the younger ones. I mean d is bad enough if we had no kids. I am trying to undestad what is appropriate to mention to my kids regarding the d. I mean, they know whats up, but I would really like to spell things out a little bit for them regading the reasons for the D. In thebegining, I did let my emotions get the best of me when with my kids. I am learning about this whole process as it comes. But I want to do what is best for my kids. I now stay away from comments about their mother. good luck to you guys
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I am trying to undestad what is appropriate to mention to my kids regarding the d. I mean, they know whats up, but I would really like to spell things out a little bit for them regading the reasons for the D. I think it's a mistake to go into detail with your kids regarding the reasons for divorce. Even when my son asked me out of the blue 10 years after it happened (he was 3 when we split so 13 at the time of the conversation), I kept my responses very neutral and told him that his Mom and I simply saw things differently and decided those things were best pursued apart. She was still his Mom and I never spoke badly of her or tried to make myself look like the "good guy" at her expense. And because I did so, she eventually saw me as an effective co-parent. Tread lightly on the details... Mr. Lucky 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 For those of you divorced or separated with children, what helped them the most to adjust? I am hoping to hear from what worked or didn't work, or what has been hard for your children. I worked really hard to develop a new normal and, once that routine was set, stuck to it. This meant declining social obligations, rearranging work and managing my life so that I was there every time I was supposed to be and any time school or sports presented an opportunity for Dad to be there. I'm amazed how many of my friends during divorce want to rearrange their days with their kids so they can go out of town for the weekend with a "friend". My priorities were different... Mr. Lucky
Author Act Two Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I worked really hard to develop a new normal and, once that routine was set, stuck to it. This meant declining social obligations, rearranging work and managing my life so that I was there every time I was supposed to be and any time school or sports presented an opportunity for Dad to be there. I'm amazed how many of my friends during divorce want to rearrange their days with their kids so they can go out of town for the weekend with a "friend". My priorities were different... Mr. Lucky I agree with you that I plan on having my time with them be solely devoted to them. If it's not too personal to ask, do you think you and your son are now close since you put that time in with him? The only thing getting me through the 50% loss of the kids is to focus on making myself 100% available to them when I do have (mentally, physically, etc.) and to be the best mom possible for the time I have. Then, when I don't have them, to go to games, events, etc. or any opportunity that presents itself as you said. Thanks so much for the feedback (and to everyone else who posted). Very much appreciated!!
M30USA Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Bottom line: I have seen some awful human beings come from "intact" families, and some fine specimens of humanity and godliness come from so-called "broken homes". 2
ataloss8270 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Bottom line: I have seen some awful human beings come from "intact" families, and some fine specimens of humanity and godliness come from so-called "broken homes". I definitely agree with this. People don't become who they are beause of the homes they came from. They become who they are from the way there parents taught them to look at life and how to treat people.. And its up to them to decide if they way they were raised is wrong. For some they figure that out at a young and for others it takes years for them to figure this out. And if and when they were taught bad habits, it takes a lot of time and effort for them to become better people... I only know this because it took me almost 30 years and loosing my wife for me to realize the I was raised and the what I was taught a person and family should be is wrong. And I came from an "intact" family. And its going to take me a long time in councling to break threw the programming that has been so deeply hardwired into my brain. I know I must update my software to become a better man for myself and my kids. And possibly my STBXW may see something before the D is finalized. But I know I must not do it for her or I will never learn. The hardest thing for me right now is to stand there and have my parents completely bash me, while telling me they didn't raise me to be this way. While I bit my tongue and think to myself BS if you heard what my councler has to say about the way you raised me you would be shocked. 1
Author Act Two Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Bottom line: I have seen some awful human beings come from "intact" families, and some fine specimens of humanity and godliness come from so-called "broken homes". I agree with that too. I come from an "intact," albeit miserably matched family, and I really screwed up. I've just done so much reading (Judith Wallerstein, etc.) on all of the gloom and doom statistics about children of divorce and it gets discouraging. I try to re-focus my thinking and make the best of what the situation is, not what I wish it is or had been.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If it's not too personal to ask, do you think you and your son are now close since you put that time in with him? While it's hard to play "what if", I will say that my son has grown into a fine young man, a family of his own, with whom I have a great relationship. I couldn't be prouder of him! I remarried 5 years after my divorce and my son tells people he has 2 Moms, both of whom he's very close to. Best of all worlds ... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Act Two Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 While it's hard to play "what if", I will say that my son has grown into a fine young man, a family of his own, with whom I have a great relationship. I couldn't be prouder of him! I remarried 5 years after my divorce and my son tells people he has 2 Moms, both of whom he's very close to. Best of all worlds ... Mr. Lucky Good to hear!! Thank you for sharing your story.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Good to hear!! Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks Act Two. Just starting down the path, I can only guess how apprehensive you are. I'd advise you simply to stay focused on the big picture and your long-term goals as there are many little bumps, bruises and problems along the way. For instance, I found out my xW had officially left me after many threats to do so when I came home from work to a completely vacant house (actually, she left me one pillowcase and a dented frying pan) that she and her 4 brothers had cleaned out during the 10 hours I was gone. Most of the issues seem small after that ... Mr. Lucky
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