Lonely Ronin Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I have seen this a lot lately, In my relationships, and in friends. I've personally always known what I wanted, so if I'm not feeling a woman I break it off asap, usually withing a handful of dates. When a woman breaks up with me, It's almost always when we reach the point when things need to become exclusive/serious/official. A buddy of mine got dumped (4 months in) last week, after just getting back from a cross country trip to visit her family for the first time. he reasoning was "I just see us becoming friends". A female friend of mine got dumped last month (6 months in)/ The reasoning she got from him was "I'm just not feeling anything significant". I just don't get it, I see it IRL, In the media, and online. it seems like people don't have any real idea what the hell they want out of relationships, or in some cases life for that matter. Is it just me, or are a lot more people completely without direction these days?
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I'm without direction. Only because I don't see myself as good enough to have direction. Take what's given to me.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You are stating from a single point of view. For all we know it could be people don't know what they want, or people aren't up front about who they are. Too many variables to make such a generalization.
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I agree. I think people are a lot more centered on themselves, their own career, leisure time and friends to care or wish to have a deep relationship. Plus, nowadays, "trading up" is so usual, better car, better job, better bf/gf... makes sense to me. So it depends on how competitive one is versus how lonely .
ThaWholigan Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Some people go into things with the short term in mind, as opposed to the long term. They don't have a firm grasp on their future, they go wherever the future takes them. It's just how some people are naturally - not to say they shouldn't find some balance, but they probably live more in the present than some people. There are pros and cons there. But to some people, it does seem like not knowing what they want, but the reality is that what they want could change at any given time. 1
clia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 A buddy of mine got dumped (4 months in) last week, after just getting back from a cross country trip to visit her family for the first time. he reasoning was "I just see us becoming friends". A female friend of mine got dumped last month (6 months in)/ The reasoning she got from him was "I'm just not feeling anything significant". You are assuming these are the "truthful" reasons for the breakup, as opposed to the "I don't want to hurt your feelings" reasons. I would argue that both of the dumpers knew exactly what they wanted -- and it was not your friends so they dumped them. I much prefer that than people who stay in relationships for months or even years where they aren't happy and just complain about it. No one is under any obligation to stay with anyone, no matter how long they've been dating. Your buddy was at the big four month point in the relationship. By four months, the bloom is coming off the rose and you are getting to know the person. The trip together (was it their first?), meeting her family, these are all big steps. For whatever reason, upon doing those things with him, she realized he wasn't what she wanted. Just because you make it to four months or six months does not mean you have to stay with the person forever, you know. And again, I'd argue that she knew exactly what she wanted and it wasn't him. 1
Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Sometimes it takes a while to find out things about someone...it almost took me a year to realize just how awful my last ex was with money and that it would cause too many problems for the future
Zed Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I do think people know exactly what they want--even if it is not even a fully formed thought. They just may be too chickenchit cowardly to state it up front so they may use some platitude (perhaps to buy themselves time) to insulate themselves or you from the stickiness of the inevitable. People are constantly telling you (the general you) what they want in deed, action, and what they say, but sometimes, you may interpret their action through your own filter of what you want and may not see the truth for what it really is.
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 There's so much we can gather up on someone in a few dates as well.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 You are assuming these are the "truthful" reasons for the breakup, as opposed to the "I don't want to hurt your feelings" reasons. I would argue that both of the dumpers knew exactly what they wanted -- and it was not your friends so they dumped them. I much prefer that than people who stay in relationships for months or even years where they aren't happy and just complain about it. No one is under any obligation to stay with anyone, no matter how long they've been dating. Your buddy was at the big four month point in the relationship. By four months, the bloom is coming off the rose and you are getting to know the person. The trip together (was it their first?), meeting her family, these are all big steps. For whatever reason, upon doing those things with him, she realized he wasn't what she wanted. Just because you make it to four months or six months does not mean you have to stay with the person forever, you know. And again, I'd argue that she knew exactly what she wanted and it wasn't him. Truthful or not, both my friends are getting their phones blown up by their ex's. My buddies ex is texting him and apologizing, and saying how bad she feels one moment, and then saying she wants to see him the next. It's utter BS. My female friend got the exact same thing from her ex for 3 or 4 weeks. I agree with not being an obligation to stay, but in my opinion you are an under an obligation to either be up front if you don't want something long term, and if you do to figure out if someone has serious potential early on. IMO relationships that last 1 to like 9 months seem way to damn common today, compared to say 10 years ago when i was in college. And it seems like the reason for that, is either people not knowing what they really want, or just wanting good enough for right now. Some people go into things with the short term in mind, as opposed to the long term. They don't have a firm grasp on their future, they go wherever the future takes them. They should be up front with this as far as I'm concerned. They are dealing with other peoples feelings and emotions, and thus should take things more seriously, such as direct communication about what they want.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Call me naive, but I don't think people go into relationships expecting them to not work out. You don't spend 6 months with someone and end things for no reason. There is always a reason. Whether what they wanted changed, whether the other person changed, or whether the whole relationship itself changed.... there are so many possibilities. Saying that they all end because people don't know what they want is a bold statement in my opinion. I know what I want, doesn't mean my relationship is automatically going to last forever. Unless you are the person ending the relationship, you don't and will not know WHY. 2
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Saying that they all end because people don't know what they want is a bold statement in my opinion. Lol, bold just might be my middle name, as I'm usually the friend who challenges you on stuff. It could also be, that the person who did the dumping is afraid to admit what they really want to themselves. I have two female friends who are currently dealing with this. They insist they are only interested in independent men, who won't be to needy. However they have both been dumped numerous times for being to needy by the independent guys they have been with. I had a drawn out conversation with one of them, and what she really wanted, wasn't an independent man, but a man that wouldn't require her to change anything about her life. so while she knew what she wanted deep down, she was afraid to admit it to herself.
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Call me naive, but I don't think people go into relationships expecting them to not work out. Nope, they simply expect to have things their way ! You don't spend 6 months with someone and end things for no reason. There is always a reason. Whether what they wanted changed, whether the other person changed, or whether the whole relationship itself changed.... there are so many possibilities. Saying that they all end because people don't know what they want is a bold statement in my opinion. I know what I want, doesn't mean my relationship is automatically going to last forever. Unless you are the person ending the relationship, you don't and will not know WHY. Not all people should be in relationships and not all relationships should last forever. But it is sooo easy to float in this state of un-decisive-ness, to just take everything for free, the people, the time, the feelings, sex, everything for granted, and all for today... it's not even that, it's the fact that after a certain age, there is more to life than morning sex, great fun in nightclubs, lots of parties and lots of hanging around. There are things like long term projects, like wanting to know someone not just because they look beautiful naked, in the morning light, but because you'd like to have kids and maybe grow old with that person. Maybe see the world with them and make their dream come to life (whatever that dream may be). Maybe buy a house at the seaside and spend time there with your new family and his old relatives... And all those people who get mesmerized at your beauty in the moonlight (but want nothing else from you or with you) are making you waste your time and preventing you from meeting the guy who'll want to really know you and want to build his life around you... that's the thing, it's not about "no one owes you anything after 6 months". don't mean to be bitter, had to vent a bit
OJ loved Nicole Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Do people not know what they want? Most people are seeking "Hollywood love" and not real love. When the smell of roses fades they restart the search for their 100% match leaving amazing/heartbroken 99%ers in their wake.
phineas Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I have seen this a lot lately, In my relationships, and in friends. I've personally always known what I wanted, so if I'm not feeling a woman I break it off asap, usually withing a handful of dates. When a woman breaks up with me, It's almost always when we reach the point when things need to become exclusive/serious/official. A buddy of mine got dumped (4 months in) last week, after just getting back from a cross country trip to visit her family for the first time. he reasoning was "I just see us becoming friends". A female friend of mine got dumped last month (6 months in)/ The reasoning she got from him was "I'm just not feeling anything significant". I just don't get it, I see it IRL, In the media, and online. it seems like people don't have any real idea what the hell they want out of relationships, or in some cases life for that matter. Is it just me, or are a lot more people completely without direction these days? It's simple really. Those people know exactly what they want. It just wasn't the person they were currently with, however their good as a place holder or for something casual. Hence why a lot of them end it when things start to be more than just fun.
phineas Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Call me naive, but I don't think people go into relationships expecting them to not work out. You don't spend 6 months with someone and end things for no reason. There is always a reason. Whether what they wanted changed, whether the other person changed, or whether the whole relationship itself changed.... there are so many possibilities. Saying that they all end because people don't know what they want is a bold statement in my opinion. I know what I want, doesn't mean my relationship is automatically going to last forever. Unless you are the person ending the relationship, you don't and will not know WHY. I know lots of guys who date a woman for sex for about 5 to 12 months then move onto the next piece. I know lots of women who date these types of guys over & over again & still are shocked/hurt they get dumped quickly. 1
phineas Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Sometimes it takes a while to find out things about someone...it almost took me a year to realize just how awful my last ex was with money and that it would cause too many problems for the future This also. I usually can tell if i'm into someone or not early on. I won't waste someone's time or use them for sex if I don't see them as GF material. But i'm good enough at spotting red flags that I can usually tell if their a decent person or not early on.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 People are just not honest in why they are breaking it off. Many people go into a relationship for the wrong reasons: it's time to find a LTR <with anyone>, "he seems like a good guy, lack of spark won't mater", just anything that implies settling. Then they realize they are unhappy and want out.
El Brujo Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I have seen this a lot lately, In my relationships, and in friends. I've personally always known what I wanted, so if I'm not feeling a woman I break it off asap, usually withing a handful of dates. When a woman breaks up with me, It's almost always when we reach the point when things need to become exclusive/serious/official. A buddy of mine got dumped (4 months in) last week, after just getting back from a cross country trip to visit her family for the first time. he reasoning was "I just see us becoming friends". A female friend of mine got dumped last month (6 months in)/ The reasoning she got from him was "I'm just not feeling anything significant". I just don't get it, I see it IRL, In the media, and online. it seems like people don't have any real idea what the hell they want out of relationships, or in some cases life for that matter. Is it just me, or are a lot more people completely without direction these days? 5 words no professional matchmaker ever wants to hear are I know what I like. They assume we're like those little kids who eat anything that someone shoves in front of them. I've learned from talking to a lot of people that more than 19 out of 20 people don't know what they want... or at least they don't have a crystal-clear idea of what they want. OTOH I've known all of my adult life what I want, but until a year or two ago, it was against the rules to have a laundry list. Most other people couldn't get their heads around the idea that I can't have the hots for just any woman. But I think any day now someone will start an "I Know What I Like" meetup group, and once that happens, all of us picky people will be able to compare laundry lists and start meeting someone we feel like we've known all our lives.
Casablanca Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 5 words no professional matchmaker ever wants to hear are I know what I like. They assume we're like those little kids who eat anything that someone shoves in front of them. I've learned from talking to a lot of people that more than 19 out of 20 people don't know what they want... or at least they don't have a crystal-clear idea of what they want. OTOH I've known all of my adult life what I want, but until a year or two ago, it was against the rules to have a laundry list. Most other people couldn't get their heads around the idea that I can't have the hots for just any woman. But I think any day now someone will start an "I Know What I Like" meetup group, and once that happens, all of us picky people will be able to compare laundry lists and start meeting someone we feel like we've known all our lives. I sort of agree and sort of don't. If you have a laundry list of wants, then there is a problem, but I think most people, or at least myself have a few deal breakers, a few things we NEED, but don't know what that package will look like. I know the material I want to build with, but I don't know which design is right for me until I find it.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 It's simple really. Those people know exactly what they want. It just wasn't the person they were currently with, however their good as a place holder or for something casual. Hence why a lot of them end it when things start to be more than just fun. In my dating life, I have had a lot of women who wanted to still be a significant part of my life after they broke up with me. A few of them got upset, when I laid down boundaries. Simply put, I'm not going to wait around for a woman to figure out what she wants. Either we are dating, or we have progressed into a relationship or we aren't. As far as I'm concerned you can't have your cake and eat it to, so that means you are either seeing someone or you are single. FWB is complete BS as far as I'm concerned.
phineas Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 In my dating life, I have had a lot of women who wanted to still be a significant part of my life after they broke up with me. A few of them got upset, when I laid down boundaries. Simply put, I'm not going to wait around for a woman to figure out what she wants. Either we are dating, or we have progressed into a relationship or we aren't. As far as I'm concerned you can't have your cake and eat it to, so that means you are either seeing someone or you are single. FWB is complete BS as far as I'm concerned. I've hit the same point recently. I've met more than a few women lately that tell me they want to "hang out" as "friends" but act like they want more & don't want me talking to other women, ect. But if I tried to date it went horribly wrong. So I just stopped doing the "just friends" thing. Now i've learned to do "just friends" by enforcing boundaries, and not treating them like priorities until they do the same with me(BF/GF) & do whatever the hell I want. Life is simpler & I don't sit home as much.
mustangguy29 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 People know what they want, until they get it, then they want something else.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I have a good idea of what qualities I want as well as don't want in a woman. However, people are unique and it can take a little bit of time to assess the package as a whole. Also, personality plays a large role and can take time to determine the compatibility.
Emilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 A buddy of mine got dumped (4 months in) last week, after just getting back from a cross country trip to visit her family for the first time. he reasoning was "I just see us becoming friends". A female friend of mine got dumped last month (6 months in)/ The reasoning she got from him was "I'm just not feeling anything significant". I just don't get it, I see it IRL, In the media, and online. it seems like people don't have any real idea what the hell they want out of relationships, or in some cases life for that matter. Is it just me, or are a lot more people completely without direction these days? The way I would read this is that the guys got bored with the women because there wasn't that much sexual chemistry and weren't attracted long term. I think when people break up within the 6 months mark more often than not it's a partner getting enough sex and not wanting more from that person.
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