Can't stop being suspicious

[heightlandia]

I am sure a lot of people have posted about feeling suspicious about their spouse, but for me, I feel stuck in an incredibly difficult situation. I have been married for 3 years. In the beginning we were happy and were true partners. Now, he has all but abandoned almost all of his responsibilities. He doesn't help with ANY of our bills, taking care of our house, etc. He has a minimum wage job and has put no effort into finding anything else because he prefers to coast while our life goes up in flames. But the major issue is that he is a liar. He has lied about many things, including a smoking habit that he swore up and down he had abandoned, and then I find cigarettes hiding in his things. The other day I also found condoms in his pocket and when I questioned him, he said he bought them for us. Sure, except we already have a drawer full. Now, I should say my husband is well-loved amongst my family and friends. He is very sweet with them and is often very kind with me, however, I can't help but believe he is always lying now. And how do you prove someone is lying when they swear up and down that they are not?

 

What complicates this further is that, as I said, all of my family and friends love him and I can't imagine how it would go over if I said I was divorcing. My parents would be devastated. Has anyone else divorced a spouse that was a hit with family and friends and how did you break it to them?

[Leegh]

I have never been married, so I have never been in your situation, but here's my input on the situation. I'm assuming your parents are in good health, and if you are indeed considering divorce you may want to tell your parents while they are in good health, (hope I don't sound negative about health). In addition, you could tell your parents in "small steps" so to speak, as you could indicate that things are not going well in the marriage, etc., then tell them a little more the next week, etc. People adjust to changes in life (divorce, etc.), and your parents will adjust. People get used to changes and that becomes the "new normal". Good Luck

[K Os]

Hi - I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I would be careful here to get things in the right order. Are you saying that if he's having an affair you're definitely 'done' with your marriage? If so, be sure you have proof that satisfies you that he is, before you drop the bomb on him.

 

You say that the lying is the biggest problem for you, and I absolutely understand this. But it sounds as though the rest of it is fixable, if he's willing to work at it.

 

I can't help but believe he is always lying now. And how do you prove someone is lying when they swear up and down that they are not?

 

This is a terrible feeling for you to live with, and intuition is a powerful thing. It's usually spot on. Proving lies is a question of getting rock solid evidence. Can you? There are ways.

[Charlie Harper]

Nobody carries Condoms like that, is like packing a 9 mm just for the heck of it...

 

Get everything in order and D, in the end even if he is the most loved and charming guy around YOU HAVE to put up with him...

[K Os]

Carrying condoms is pretty suspicious, but there are other explanations. It's not exactly proof. That's what I'm saying.

[heightlandia]

Well he of course had a story to go with why he was carrying them around for us. He said he had bought some previously and was keeping them in our car. Then one day he cleaned out the car and put them in his pocket to bring into the house...and forgot them. But the problem is, he always has a story. And with the smoking, I never believed him and found that I was correct in not believe him.

 

I hate to sound naive, but how can I prove he is lying about the condoms? I checked his phone record for the last month and didn't find anything there. I have casually looked at his phone when it's lit up and haven't seen anything there either. Moreover, where he works is really easy to visit when I'm doing errands so I will often stop by when he says he is working. I don't know how else to check!

[heightlandia]

Yes I'm sorry, reading back through my initial message my thoughts were kind of all over the place. First of all, we have often fought about his complete lack of motivation and responsibility, so the lack of trust I have for him just adds fuel to the fire. I am willing to work on the motivation aspect, as I have seen improvement here and there. But the trust thing I cannot move past. I personally know I could never forgive him for cheating on me and would divorce in a hot second because I can't have that in my life, but I don't know if it's just his previous lies (about smoking, about doing certain things that he promised he would do and then he doesn't do them so he just lies and pretends he did, etc) that make me believe the condoms are a lie as well. So we have the lying that I need to resolve.

 

And then, at the end of all of that, is the point that even if I did proceed with a divorce, I will be so mortified to tell my friends and family. And it is also an issue because quite honestly, he has none of his own friends nor family (they live on another continent) and has no assets of his own, so if I divorced him, logistically he would have NOWHERE to turn. I would end up having to give him our home because he would have nowhere to take shelter and does not make enough on his won to afford rent anywhere else.

 

So to break it down:

 

a) need to figure out if he indeed is cheating

b) need to break it to my family and friends who hugely respect him

c) need to make a break where we can both move on independently since we built this life together and he has no one to lean on

[K Os]

I hate to sound naive, but how can I prove he is lying about the condoms?

It's not naive, it's a sensible question. I don't see there's any way that you can prove he's lying about the condoms. Thinking it through clinically, even a used condom is not proof of sex with someone else. Yes, really. Press me on this further if you don't follow.

 

Another possibility is that he has them like a hopeful teenager would. Bad news.

 

You've checked his phone records. Does he go online much? Go out much without you?

 

I personally know I could never forgive him for cheating on me and would divorce in a hot second because I can't have that in my life.

 

So you need to figure out a), and if he is, then look at b) and c).

Edited January 21, 2013 by K Os

[heightlandia]

It's not naive, it's a sensible question. I don't see there's any way that you can prove he's lying about the condoms. Thinking it through clinically, even a used condom is not proof of sex with someone else. Yes, really. Press me on this further if you don't follow.

 

Another possibility is that he has them like a hopeful teenager would. Bad news.

 

You've checked his phone records. Does he go online much? Go out much without you?

 

 

 

So you need to figure out a), and if he is, then look at b) and c).

 

He goes online a lot but always on Facebook. I have never noticed anything off with his facebook account. Also he doesn't go out hardly at all unless it's for work. He really doesn't have any of his own friends so he rarely goes out. If he was cheating, it would have to be at a time when I think he's 'working'. But who has time to keep tabs on an adult like that? It's so frustrating.

[K Os]

Are there many women at his workplace? Does he pop out of work for coffee or lunch? If you can't keep tabs on him yourself you might have to pay someone to track him a bit.

 

He could also possibly have another phone that you don't know about. Worth hunting.

[Yasuandio]

I was married to a chronic liar (or perhaps I should say pathalogical liar), for 27 years. As a young woman - who had dated this man for over five years - I was so anxious to get married for some dumb reason - I overlooked this issue, as I didn't think the lies were that big of a deal back then. Oh, and I LUUUUUUVVVED him, and had already invested 5 years of my life in the relationship. I'm embarrassed to tell you, that when he finially proposed, and I agreed, I actually commented, "ok, I guess I am marrying you even if you are a liar."

 

Sometime into the troubled marriage - I got sick and tired of his lying, and habit of abandoning me. I quit my job and sold the home in two days flat, because I had been accepted into a doctorial program out of state, where I had already put a down payment on another home. Of course - he was stunned to see me pick up and go on with my life. Naturally, he promised to turn it around and I let him back.

 

I am going to tell you one type of lie he would tell. This type of lie was regarding smoking pot.

 

The doctorial program orientation was required of those students like me that were given free tuition and teaching/research associateships. IOW, I paid nothing for my education, but I was to to work as a professor while I studied, and I was expected to have outstanding conduct. The orientation program was very clear. We were not to be involved with drugs or any illigal activities, nor associate with anyone involved with any drug or other illigal activities. Mere association - you automatically lose your scholarship, period, end of story.

 

One day, I was picking up the mail, and I could feel marajuana cigs in the envelope. It was a present to husband from brother. This is when I explained to husband the seriousness of any association with drugs. So, he was definately on notice of Univertsity policy.

 

On one evening, I looked out the back window by the garage, and saw a red fire glow - like a cig. I went downstairs, and out the back door, and there he was. No cig - but reaked of pot. He lied right to my face. I looked down, and the marajuana cig was right there on the walk. I picked it up and it was still warm. He still denied.

 

More marajuana cigs came in the mail. More worries for me. I left an opened envelope from the mail on table with 3 marajuana cigs to talk about when he got home - and it strangely disappeared. He denied taking it. I always worried that I had misplaced it - that it might drop out of a notebook or file at the univerisity - and I'd be in trouble. That drove me mad for at least a year. I searched and searched for that envelope, and the cigs. Never found it. And did the liar care the stress this caused me? Of course not. Did the liar care if he ruined my reputation at the university? Of course not. Did the liar care if I lost my scholarship, grants funding, and assistantship, my work at the University? Hell no. Common sense says, of course he took those cigs, and smoked them, and didn't give a flip - he just kept gas-lighting me, and I was naive (or dense).

 

Fast forward, same topic, 15 years later. I smell air freshener and a weird skunky pot smell in the downstairs bath at new house. I go out to driveway, he's out there working on his car. I come near him, and his eyes are glazed over and he reaks of pot. I look right at him, and I say, "you were smoking dope in the bathroom." Of course, he denied. I told him, "you are a f'ing liar." And I walk away. Since he needed me financially for the business he wanted - he made nice.

 

[so how did I know he was lying?] By this time (around 2005), I dealt with him more directly, because I knew exactly when he is lying - I no longer doubted myself after this many years. Plus, he has, what they call in the game of Poker, "tells" when he is lying. "Tells" are like a little nervious facial movements or ticks you can watch for on the face of a liar when they are lying. My husband tongue would slip out like a lizard and lick the inner edge of his top lip whenever he was lying. He didn't realize it, and couldn't control it.

 

Now I just gave you a couple of examples of lying on one topic. When he was on the stand at the divorce hearing trial - he lied, and I told the truth. You know, his lies looked really stupid in the Court, especially in light of my tape-recorded evidence he was trying to deny. Just pathetic.

 

Do you really want to live a life time with a liar? Do you want to invest as much time and effort as I did? If so, then you really need to become an expert lie detector, especially if his lies might affect you career, health, and/or future (because they will). I cannot think of anything my former husband DID NOT lie about. And I'm sure there are millions of lies that I will never know. Probably some secret lives as well. I don't want to know. This is a true story. Try to learn something. Liars never stop lying. It is some sort of sickness, and it ain't going away. It's also not healthy to put up with it like I did. I hope this little story helps you.

[heightlandia]

Yes he definitely works with other women and that would be the most likely scenario for how he met someone else. He works with the public, however, and never gets breaks so he would have to be going after work. He has come home crazy late sometimes and I have had to ask him why..I would really hate to hire someone to watch him. He slips so often in his lies, for instance, who leaves cigarettes in their pocket weekly and then lies about it? He makes it so easy to find these things so I feel like I need to just think of what else I have at my disposal right now. It's an awful feeling when you have to start plotting how to spy on someone

[K Os]

Yes, that's a rubbish feeling. And a tricky situation. Sounds as though you need to track where he goes when he's 'crazy late'. Does this follow any predictable pattern? Maybe keep close tabs on the car mileage? Difficult...

[heightlandia]

Yes, that's a rubbish feeling. And a tricky situation. Sounds as though you need to track where he goes when he's 'crazy late'. Does this follow any predictable pattern? Maybe keep close tabs on the car mileage? Difficult...

 

We actually live in a city now and no longer have a car, or else that would be a great idea. I will start tracking his late nights to see if there is a pattern. On a normal night he may get home at 1 AM but on some nights he gets home close to 4 with no explanation. It's those nights that I need to try and make sense of.

[K Os]

close to 4 with no explanation

 

That's weird. What, no explanation at all? Could his work carry on that late? Or does he have fixed hours? What happens if you call him at 2.30am when he's not back? What happens if you call his work at 2.30am?

[heightlandia]

That's weird. What, no explanation at all? Could his work carry on that late? Or does he have fixed hours? What happens if you call him at 2.30am when he's not back? What happens if you call his work at 2.30am?

 

Yes, his work could carry on that late but it shouldn't happen as often as it does. I have called him that late and he answers, and sounds like he's at work. Quite honestly, aside from the condoms in his pocket (big red flag), I am able to explain the other pieces, including his lateness, but the condom story just seems so ridiculous that when I pair it with his other lies, I just don't buy that it could be true. K Os, have you had to deal with a cheater? Has anyone else whom could tell me some warning signs to look for?

[K Os]

K Os, have you had to deal with a cheater?

That's a difficult one to answer, heightlandia, because I still don't know, 18 months after she announced she wanted to split and 6 months after she's moved out. All my instincts say yes, and I'm sure even if she never slept with the guy then she had/is still having what I regard as an inappropriate relationship for a married woman. But I could still misunderstand the nature of that relationship.

 

The warning signs I got were fairly standard "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap, snapping the laptop shut when I walked into the room unexpectedly, insisting on the right to travel abroad on her own without telling me where she was going or who she was staying with - some quite extreme behaviour, in other words. If your guy is cheating, it sounds a lot more subtle than all that crazy shenanigans.

 

I also picked up on a fair amount of body language, though - tiny little looks, movements, word choices that didn't seem right or honest. I knew something was going on. If you know someone that well, they can't hide all of it all of the time.

 

Have a look online for cheating signs - there's plenty of info out there.

[GuyInLimbo]

Get out.

 

And I want you to read this over and over: NO ONE ELSE DETERMINES WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE. I don't care if the freakin' Pope loves your husband. If he's sneaking around, etc. and you guys have only been married such a short time, GET OUT. Now. It doesn't matter if your entire family thinks he's the Second Coming. They are not married to him. You are. YOU make the decisions on your own happiness. No one else. End of story.

[Yasuandio]

Other signs of cheating:

 

(1) Won't be able to look you directly in the eye (guilt).

 

(2) Change in your sex life. No sex at all, as he might feel it is "cheating" on his new girlfriend. Or, some new sex moves or sexual language.

 

(3) He may go quick into the shower when he gets home (otherwise, you may try to get a wiff of the other woman from his clothes or body).

 

(4) More interest in his appearance. Clothes, perhaps some new style. Going to gym suddenly.

 

(5) Coming home late (you've mentioned this one).

 

(6) Purposely starting stupid arguements so he has an excuse to walk out the door (into othr woman's arms).

 

(7) Evidence on credit card bills, or phone bills.

 

(8) He may come home with a gift (he will say it is from a colleague though).

 

(9) Evidence from the car (higher miliage, strand of long hair, the seat in a different position than normal.) Etc.

 

(10) Taking cell phone with him everywhere, not taking a chance to leave it where you can find it. Maybe he even takes it into the bathroom with him also.

 

HAve you considered tracking the car? You can get a Trimtrac GPS off of eBay, with a subscription of "pings." Just go on eBay, and the sellers sites explain it all. Place device inside the plastic bumper of his car with black industrial velcro (available at Home Depot. That is where you get the best reads off the device from my experience. Don't bother with the magnetic holder. As long as the car is marital property - seems like it is ok. But please consult an attorney or the laws in you State and county.

 

What you need to remember with that data you collect is -- that just because his car is there, doesn't mean he is there (and visa versa - just cause his car is not there, does not mean he is not there.) And also, just because his car is in a particular place, you really only know his car is in a particular place - that's all you know, really. Same with phonebills. Just because a call took place between certain numbers, you really do not know for sure who was on either line, nor do you know what was said.