Why does it bother me when my girlfriend drinks?

[Babolat]

I have a few posts on here that all seem to boil down to my girlfriend drinking and my issues with that.

 

I am in my mid 40s, I have had 3 LTRs, many 1-3 month relationships in between, my first LTR was with a girl who did not drink at all, never. I was in my early 20s then. We were together almost 5 years. My next LTR was a marriage, she liked to drink 2-3 glasses of wine a night and occassionaly get a little crazy while out with friends (with me present). I would say once a month maybe. I would get a little crazy too, not as often as her, but i would.

 

My current girlfriend likes to drink too. Maybe a glass of wine a night, and maybe every other weekend drink to the point where she is buzzing or drunk. She likes to do shots, which is new to me. She is open and honest with me and tells me she like to get a buzz and sometimes get drunk. It's very social for her and it helps her let her guard down and have fun.

 

When I see this I get upset, I see them as ugly, not able to control themselves, and I get mad with them. It's only when I am very close to a girl though. My non LTRs I could care less if they drank and never even thought about it.

 

I like to drink too, not that often. I went out with some buddies this weekend, had 5 beers, had a good buzz, and had a good time and I was thinking to myself "what's the big deal, why do I feel so negative towards my girlfriend when she drinks".

 

With my current girlfriend, when we first met, we drank a lot, to the point of having a good buzz, and I had a blast. Then, at some point, I started looking at her differently when she drank heavy. I did not like it. It bothered me. It's almost to the point where I cannot even drink with her now without getting upset. I keep quite yet she picks up on my negative body language and it hurts her. And I understand why.

 

Before you attack me, I know this is me, I know it's judgemental, I am here asking if anyone knows why or if they feel the same way only with their SO. And, what, if anything can i do to work through this.

 

 

Thanks

[sweetkiwi]

Yes. My ex fiance and I used to go out a lot together. And we went to our friends houses and drank with them. It became a problem once I wanted to be alone with him more often and he chose drinking over me every night.

 

I gave up and stayed home alone. Then he would come home extremely drunk. Once with a black eye and busted lip. He had gotten jumped over a stupid comment about a football team.

 

A couple other times I woke up to him pissing in the closet. Or in the corner. Or in the sink once. I was done. I saw him as sad and pathetic. But he drank WAY MORE than your girlfriend. Like 20+ beers.

 

You said your girlfriend is an alcoholic? Or in the beginning stages of alcoholism? Is this from her own mouth or are you saying this?

[Babolat]

Yes. My ex fiance and I used to go out a lot together. And we went to our friends houses and drank with them. It became a problem once I wanted to be alone with him more often and he chose drinking over me every night.

 

I gave up and stayed home alone. Then he would come home extremely drunk. Once with a black eye and busted lip. He had gotten jumped over a stupid comment about a football team.

 

A couple other times I woke up to him pissing in the closet. Or in the corner. Or in the sink once. I was done. I saw him as sad and pathetic. But he drank WAY MORE than your girlfriend. Like 20+ beers.

 

You said your girlfriend is an alcoholic? Or in the beginning stages of alcoholism? Is this from her own mouth or are you saying this?

 

 

She has never done anything like that. She is a happy drunk. And though she drinks to get drunk sometimes she does seem to know when to slow down and start drinking waters or sodas. Sounds strange to say but she is a very responsible drinker. And she even pays attention to where she is, who she is with, and gauges her drinking on that.

 

She once asked me if I thought she was an alcoholic. I can't make that decision IMHO (not medically/professionaly) so I said No. I think she is a binge drinker. She thinks she drinks less than "standard", whatever standard is. She has told me she drinks more than "my standard", which I understand though I don't really even know what my standard is.

 

She has told me she has chosen to be with me versus going out drinking with her friends many times, because she wants to, though she does want to go out to a bar (or to their house) and drink with her friends and preferably with me there too. She says she is at the point where she is hesitant to invite me as she sees how uncomfortable i am.

Edited January 21, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Something else that is strange to me, and she has called me out on this. I will go out with my buddies from time to time, like once every 2 months, and drink and sometimes drink too much. Yet when I am with her it's as if drinking bothers me, especially her drinking.

 

She has asked me how I can go out with my buddies and get a good buzz yet I feel uncomfortable when I am with her drinking? I don't have an answer....

[KraftDinner]

Don't know if this applies or is helpful, but:

 

When my ex drank, it triggered my abandonment complex. It's like he was no longer "there" and had left me all alone.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's a cop out. More often than not it's the guy with the insecurities who is looking to medicate away his nervousness but women can be that way too. It's so much more attractive to meet and interact with someone who you know is not relying on artificial courage that actually may completely mask their normal personality. I once went out with someone and we hung out for 6 hours. We both had two drinks early on but after all that time I wanted a "night cap"--one more Martini to close out the show. That was like poison to her. I didn't think it was fair because of how much time we spent NOT drinking but that queered anything further with her. She implied I "needed it". Hell, I just wanted it. If I had any idea I would have gone to a freaking BAR with her which was her idea. Some folks have judgmental attitudes about alcohol where one drink is the measure if you're a bum or sex partner. In the long and short of it, it's best to treat alcohol as self medication and a sign of a dangerous flaw. But for chrissake-six hours of sall talk?

[charlietheginger]

My exwife drank a 2 3 beers a nite happy drunk

Towards the end of our marriage and her two duis

She was a angry 6pack a day 10 drinks on weekends

Pissing in bed passing out on the couch.

 

Your girlfriend is young or new to drinking as the years

Go by drinkers need more drinks to get drunk. 1 2 drinks

Turns into 3 4 then 10yrs later its a 6pack a night.

 

You sound like a social drinker she is a nightly drinker

Even at home needs a drink. Id get out while you can.

[Els]

You can't change what you're attracted to, but you CAN change your own habits.

 

If you want to be with women who don't drink, then the best way you can make that happen is to drink less yourself. Are you willing to do that? If you are, then you could try and work on this R by making it a couple thing to try and cut down on alcohol, assuming she agrees. Either way, you gotta fix this or you're going to be in trouble no matter what R you're in. Nobody likes a hypocrite.

[Babolat]

Don't know if this applies or is helpful, but:

 

When my ex drank, it triggered my abandonment complex. It's like he was no longer "there" and had left me all alone.

 

Interesting...as she does kind of change and disappear. She will bounce around the bar, or if we are at one of her frioends or families house, she will bounce around and leave me. She has told me this and even tells me this sometimes before we go out. She comes back often though. I feel like I need to find someone I can talk to.

 

And it is as if her mind state changes, she is different, not in a bad way, just different...like not the girl I am in love with and it also bothers me that she "needs" the alcohol to feel good, to relax.

[Babolat]

Can you elaborate a bit more on what it is you are thinking and feeling when you see your gf drinking? Is there some jealousy or insecurity going on? Like you feel as if your gf shouldn't need to drink to enjoy herself because just being with you is all she should need? Is there someone in your past or in your family who caused who to feel negatively about a woman who drinks? Perhaps a wanton female alcholic who impacted your image of women in general?

 

That you only feel this way about a significant gf and not about casual gf's comes as no surprise. We often hold the ones we care about the most to a higher standard. Not saying that it's right but we do seem to place higher expectations on the people we love.

 

I think to myself "why?" why do you have to drink to have a good time, why are you getting a buzz again..it's unattractive to me. It's not about being with me, she goes out with her friends and does the same thing and it bothers me.

 

My mom's mom was an alcoholic though I never saw it, heard the stories. My step-dad was an alcoholic and i did see it, he physically abused my mom when drunk.

[Babolat]

It's a cop out. More often than not it's the guy with the insecurities who is looking to medicate away his nervousness but women can be that way too. It's so much more attractive to meet and interact with someone who you know is not relying on artificial courage that actually may completely mask their normal personality. I once went out with someone and we hung out for 6 hours. We both had two drinks early on but after all that time I wanted a "night cap"--one more Martini to close out the show. That was like poison to her. I didn't think it was fair because of how much time we spent NOT drinking but that queered anything further with her. She implied I "needed it". Hell, I just wanted it. If I had any idea I would have gone to a freaking BAR with her which was her idea. Some folks have judgmental attitudes about alcohol where one drink is the measure if you're a bum or sex partner. In the long and short of it, it's best to treat alcohol as self medication and a sign of a dangerous flaw. But for chrissake-six hours of sall talk?

 

When I am with her and watch her as she drinks more and more, she gets more flirty, more assertive, dances more, gets more touchy feely, acts a little wilder and a bit irresponsible.

[Babolat]

You can't change what you're attracted to, but you CAN change your own habits.

 

If you want to be with women who don't drink, then the best way you can make that happen is to drink less yourself. Are you willing to do that? If you are, then you could try and work on this R by making it a couple thing to try and cut down on alcohol, assuming she agrees. Either way, you gotta fix this or you're going to be in trouble no matter what R you're in. Nobody likes a hypocrite.

 

I am not following you here. I tried to drink with her, not as much but just to be out with her. I have told her I cannot, at least not as often as she likes to. I also no longer keep wine in my house as I feel like an enabler. I also no longer keep a tab if we go to a bar, I pay for my own with cash and let her do the same. She will ask me if I have a tab and I say "No". If we are with her goo dfriends they iwll buy her drinks (funds are very tight for her right now so money is an issue). In years past when she made good money she was the one always buying when out with her friends.

[Els]

I am not following you here. I tried to drink with her, not as much but just to be out with her. I have told her I cannot, at least not as often as she likes to. I also no longer keep wine in my house as I feel like an enabler. I also no longer keep a tab if we go to a bar, I pay for my own with cash and let her do the same. She will ask me if I have a tab and I say "No". If we are with her goo dfriends they iwll buy her drinks (funds are very tight for her right now so money is an issue). In years past when she made good money she was the one always buying when out with her friends.

 

Wasn't your OP about you being unattracted to your gf when she drinks, but you feel like you're being judgmental about it because you drink too?

 

So stop drinking and you'll be in a better position to have a gf who doesn't drink. Or you could try to change what you're attracted to, but that's a pretty long shot.

[Babolat]

Wasn't your OP about you being unattracted to your gf when she drinks, but you feel like you're being judgmental about it because you drink too?

 

So stop drinking and you'll be in a better position to have a gf who doesn't drink. Or you could try to change what you're attracted to, but that's a pretty long shot.

Makes sense. i could give up drinking in a hearbeat..I do not need it or depend on it. I have gone weeks without a drink. it's usually when i am with people who drink, that I drink.

[KraftDinner]

Interesting...as she does kind of change and disappear. She will bounce around the bar, or if we are at one of her frioends or families house, she will bounce around and leave me. She has told me this and even tells me this sometimes before we go out. She comes back often though. I feel like I need to find someone I can talk to.

 

And it is as if her mind state changes, she is different, not in a bad way, just different...like not the girl I am in love with and it also bothers me that she "needs" the alcohol to feel good, to relax.

 

Yes. With my ex, I would definitely be bothered by the idea that he felt he "needed" to drink too. And he'd act like someone else. Not bad, just different.

 

Actually later on he started acting "bad" but I later discovered he had a fairly steady coke habit I had no idea about. But that's another story.

[Babolat]

Yes. With my ex, I would definitely be bothered by the idea that he felt he "needed" to drink too. And he'd act like someone else. Not bad, just different.

 

Actually later on he started acting "bad" but I later discovered he had a fairly steady coke habit I had no idea about. But that's another story.

 

Well, she use to do a lot of coke by her own words. She has done coke one time since I have known her, she told me immediately the next day. She said she has no plans to do it again but she could not say she would not do it again.

 

Same feeling here, she just acts different, not in a bad way, actually in a fun way. She seesm like she needs to drink to, to get more comfortable, to have more fun, to relax and let loose, to feel the high of a buzz.

 

What did you do to work thru this?

[Minnie09]

I think it bothers you because you know it's not age-appropriate behavior. It's college kid behavior and it's not healthy. If she's in your age group (mid 40s), I would be seriously concerned about this. It's almost like she's planning to get wasted on a regular basis. Why would anyone want to do that? People who are mature and drink don't get hammered. If it happens, it's a rare thing, and they're embarrassed, but it's nothing an adult plans in order to have a good time out with friends.

 

Like you said, it happened to you not too long ago that you had a good time after 5 beers, a buzz, but it happened....no big deal. You didn't go out and say "Ha, tonight I'm going to bar hop and get a real good buzz so I can loosen up and have some fun."*

 

I don't know....it's just immature and indicates some underlying issues that have to do with self-esteem, or lack thereof, and not being confident. You probably know that deep down inside of you and that's why it bothers you. You want to be in an ldr with someone you can rely on and trust.

[Babolat]

I think it bothers you because you know it's not age-appropriate behavior. It's college kid behavior and it's not healthy. If she's in your age group (mid 40s), I would be seriously concerned about this. It's almost like she's planning to get wasted on a regular basis. Why would anyone want to do that? People who are mature and drink don't get hammered. If it happens, it's a rare thing, and they're embarrassed, but it's nothing an adult plans in order to have a good time out with friends.

 

Like you said, it happened to you not too long ago that you had a good time after 5 beers, a buzz, but it happened....no big deal. You didn't go out and say "Ha, tonight I'm going to bar hop and get a real good buzz so I can loosen up and have some fun."*

 

I don't know....it's just immature and indicates some underlying issues that have to do with self-esteem, or lack thereof, and not being confident. You probably know that deep down inside of you and that's why it bothers you. You want to be in an ldr with someone you can rely on and trust.

 

"planning to get wasted on a regular basis", that's the thing with her, she can go weeks and not get drunk or buzzed, but she will drink a little bit on the weekend. It's spontaneuous, a friend calls, lets go out, she will. Weeks can go go by before it happens again. In 10+ months I can count maybe 5 times where she got drunk drunk. In between, lots of good buzzes every few weeks.

 

She tells me anytime one drinks they are doing so to get intoxicated, get a buzz or to get the effects of the alcohol, even if it's just 1-2 drinks. That even one drink changes the state of us to a degree.

[2sure]

If your 40s and she is the same age-ish....

Im 48. So are many of my friends. A middle aged woman sloppy drunk is not attractive to anyone. Thats whyt.

 

Also the main reason for girls night out and weekends out of town.

Nicely buzzed is fine, anything more is just a no.

[Babolat]

Wow I think KraftDinner is really on to something with her reply. One of the reasons I was drawn to reply to this thread was because I could relate but couldn't understand why. I'm single now but I have been in longterm relationships with drinkers and drug users in my past. Not hard drugs, usually just pot. I'm not a drinker or drug user myself but whenever my SO's would drink or get high I would feel bad and I didn't know why because it's not like they turned into abusive jerks. But yes, I felt left behind and abandoned which makes sense because my mom was a heavy user of hard drugs and she often did literally abandon me when she wanted to party. Funny I never put it together before, but like you, I just don't feel right when my partner gets high or drunk. Once in a while I can deal with but not on a regular basis.

 

I also think the poster advising you to stop drinking if you don't like your girlfriends drinking was correct. As long as you drink and get buzzed yourself, you're really in no position to demand a non-drinking partner.

 

Great reply, thanks.

 

I have never asked her to stop or change. I have simply told her we are different and I am not sure long term it will work. She agrees and it's my guees the relationship is coming to an end because of it. Very sad that alcohol can end a relationship. She does not see where she has an issue. In fact she has slowed WAY down in recent years, which I respect, though where she is now is still too much for me. What's strange is she regularly tells me she wants to be more like me and she wants to make more changes.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[NervisPervis]

Hey BB. Is this thread number three or four that you've sprinkled around this forum on this topic? And I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish.

 

"She drinks too much" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

"She texts a guy friend all day" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

"She hangs out in a LOT of meat markets" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

Sum it up for us buddy. What is it you want to hear? She's hot. I get that. I wouldn't want to lose a fun hottie either. But if I realized we just weren't compatible, I'd weigh my options and probably bolt. At least dial WAY back on the emotional connection.

[Babolat]

Hey BB. Is this thread number three or four that you've sprinkled around this forum on this topic? And I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish.

 

"She drinks too much" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

"She texts a guy friend all day" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

"She hangs out in a LOT of meat markets" - But then you go through the rest of your thread saying how mature and responsible she is about it.

 

Sum it up for us buddy. What is it you want to hear? She's hot. I get that. I wouldn't want to lose a fun hottie either. But if I realized we just weren't compatible, I'd weigh my options and probably bolt. At least dial WAY back on the emotional connection.

 

I am trying to figure out if this is somethiing I can handle and if I want to invest in a LTR. Almost everyone drinks. I do, sometimes too much. Not often though. Yes, I do think she has a dependency on alcohol and yes she probably does have low self-worth...I probably do too. Is that a reason to walk away? I am not sure yet...I am trying to figure that out.

 

And this is not something new to me, in my previous LTRs I have found "something" that bothers me that I will obsess on. I am asking questions here to figure out if I am obsessing or if this is really something to be concerned with. She is not a bad, inferior or wrong for what she likes to do. I am simply trying to figure out if I can accept it. And, once emotions are in play it gets a little cloudy.

 

And, for the last time my friend, she does not hang out at meat markets. In fact when she does drinks it's usually with friends at their house or at a place/bar where a band is playing, with her good friends. And she invites me. She has one good male friend, whom I have met, who is quite needy and does text her often. She may reply every few days. She rarely initiates the discussion, and he IS harmeless, I have met him and figured that out. I have watched them interact and I believe her when she says he is like the brother she never had as she is an only child.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

We talked some more tonight. We both want to be in a relationship with each other as we work, well. We talked about her drinking and after thinking about it she has been making changes over the past few months and has slowed down. Again, she reminded me she is changing for her, not me, and I need to accept her as she is today.

 

We talked about my drinking and what could be the root cause of my issues with her and drinking. My dad was an alcoholic, beat my mom when he was drunk, my moms mom was an alcoholic and I heard the stories from my mom, and, I sometimes do not know when to stop when I am drinking. So I do think I am a bit scared of not knowing my own limits and my own potential alcoholism. We talked about limits, knowing when to stop, and she said she knows when to stop, and does. I have seen this in her.

 

She is resentful for how I have treated her when she drinks, and she has a right to feel this way as I have been mean at times. My plan is to give this some more time, try to manage my reactions better, try to accept her and not blow this out of proportion, yet also keep my eyes open.

[Babolat]

Weekend update: Friday night was a big work event for her that she invited me to. She had 3 glasses of wine over 2 hours, I had a couple of beers. I was ready to go home, she planned to stop by a bar on the way back to her place. She texted me later to say she did not go. What I noticed is as she drank the 3rd glass she got more flirty with me, touchy feely, not inappropriate, and she got more talkative with her networking group. She gets this mischevious look in her eye, which is cute and sexy, it just bugs me...again like it's not her.

 

Saturday was dinner out, glass of wine each then to the bar for an after dinner drink at her prompting.

 

Yesterday, no drinking for me. 2.5 glasses of wine for her while cooking dinner and before bed.

 

I got anxious each time we drink, even though it was really not a lot. I was able to talk back to my anxiety for the most part. I hope I can move past this as we had a great weekend together and I do really like her.

 

Whats odd, again, is three times last week I drank 3-4 beers out with friends. I did not look at them any differently, and in one case it was with a female friend who is attractive.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Babolat

[KungFuJoe]

Weekend update: Friday night was a big work event for her that she invited me to. She had 3 glasses of wine over 2 hours, I had a couple of beers. I was ready to go home, she planned to stop by a bar on the way back to her place. She texted me later to say she did not go. What I noticed is as she drank the 3rd glass she got more flirty with me, touchy feely, not inappropriate, and she got more talkative with her networking group. She gets this mischevious look in her eye, which is cute and sexy, it just bugs me...again like it's not her.

 

Saturday was dinner out, glass of wine each then to the bar for an after dinner drink at her prompting.

 

Yesterday, no drinking for me. 2.5 glasses of wine for her while cooking dinner and before bed.

 

I got anxious each time we drink, even though it was really not a lot. I was able to talk back to my anxiety for the most part. I hope I can move past this as we had a great weekend together and I do really like her.

 

Whats odd, again, is three times last week I drank 3-4 beers out with friends. I did not look at them any differently, and in one case it was with a female friend who is attractive.

 

This is just my opinion, but I honestly think you will stress over this until it eats you alive.

 

You and your gf are just too different to get along. You might think you guys fit, but it's obvious that you have an issue that a lot of couples have:

 

You get along when it's just the two of you, but in a social setting, you don't.

 

She's an extrovert and you're an introvert...or at the very least, you are introverted enough to where you are uncomfortable with how outgoing she is.

 

I'm not saying either one of you is at fault...it's just a compatibility issue. How you are able to interact in a social setting is JUST AS IMPORTANT as how you interact when alone.

 

My wife sounds a LOT like your gf. Very hot. Very flirty. Very outgoing. My wife is the biggest extrovert I've ever met. Makes friends everywhere she goes. She's the girl that's dancing up on a stage at a club, drinking til last call, being loud, then trying to have sex with me in a cab on the ride back to our hotel (or wherever we came from).

 

But the difference is...we're both party animals. We both drink til we get **** faced taking turns throwing up in the bathroom, going out every weekend (well...not as much since we have kids now), and having crazy and wild sex in all sorts of different places. We BOTH enjoy the lifestyle and we NEVER want it to stop. And that's why it works for us. We've both told each other that if we weren't together, we'd probably make whoever we were with jealous like crazy because of how we are. But, the bottomline is we can relate to each other, we TRUST each other completely...and that's how it works.