livid Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Hey LS community...I would like opinions on this scenario.... My fiance's ex-wife is driving me bonkers. He and she have a daughter together. She calls his cell constantly going off on him, yells at him and calls him names. She is verbally abusive to him and she will not let go of the "friendship" they maintained pre-me. She constantly tells him that he's not the same person and that he's a d*ck. Pre-me he was running errands for her and babysitting her other kids. He wised up and she lost her flunky. In the meantime, he's gotten his act together. I've tried my damndest to stay calm and not go off on her when she calls him. She becomes abusive and he hangs up, she calls back. A lot of times, he just ignores her calls. She calls over anything stupid or insignificant. He tells her to stay on subject of their daughter or to not call at all. She can't. I've been with him for almost a year and he interacts very well (up until this point). He is always kinds, respectful and to the point. All he wants to discuss is his daughter, not anything else. You guys, I'm so tempted to pick up his phone and tell her to stop calling him. I hate to be rude, but I'm beginning to despise this lady. She's so vindictive. She asked my fiance what we got her daughter for her birthday (to avoid duplicacy of gifts????!!!) and went out and bought the same thing that he did. =( That's so juvenille. She approved for her daughter to travel to see my fiance's family over labor day and their daughter was sooooo excited about going. Now mom says she can't because she says my fiance is being a jerk to her! He's begun being a jerk back to her and giving her a dose of her own med and she doesn't like it. What can we do?! My fiance is beginning to hate her too. I hate to ignore her calls, in case it's something important. It's beginning to put a major stress on our relationship. Would I be wrong to tell her to stop calling? He's told her and she won't. He's talked about blocking her # or changing his, this is so ridiculous! Please give me advice. We are all in our early-thirties and their girl is six. I'm divorced myself and have a wonderful business-like relationship with my ex. My son is normal too. =) I just cannot handle much more of this. Am I out of line to want to tell the b*tch off?! Thanks you guys.
supermom Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 I don't think your out of line for wanting to tell her off, but it will most likely piss her off more for "getting involved" with their "relationship" so to speak, even if it is an abusive one. Also this may affect his daughter by her mom not letting him see her. Maybe if you do talk to her you can talk to her in a way that is not threatning. Situations like this are hard. Good luck to you
Barby Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 That is sooooooooo typical for an ex to use the child against her ex partner! How sad! She needs to wise up because the one she is really hurting is their daughter! Exactly you're not wrong for wanting to tell her off but obviously you know it wouldn't be the right thing to do. Who knows that may cause even more stress between yourself and your fiance. I agree that if you talk to her, make sure you're friendly (no matter how difficult). Try and explain to her that "their" arguing is affecting their daughter. I can't believe that she wouldn't allow her daughter to go to visit his family just because she is mad at him. How lame and childish!
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 when people have kids and get divorced and then start a new relationship the ex can at times feel like they're going to lose their friendship with there ex partner. if you want to be involved with a relationship like that then you have to be patient and lose rationalizing your selfishness. please don't take this as an attack on you personally most couples who are in this type of relationship go through the same thing. your actions will have long term effects on his child. which in time if you want this relationship to last you'll want to be close to her too and develop a relationship with his daughter on your own. all the best of luck and remember it's hard for all us sisters so lets try to work together.
Bubbles Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Maybe when she calls; YOU should start answering the phone and telling her that HE is not at home "what is she calling about? Is everything o.k. with the little one?" possibly if you sound concerened she will start talking to you about the little girl and maybe you two can start conversing so that HE does not have o be involved any-more. I interveined with my ex/boyfriend and his ex wife. It was the ONLY way that they could get along. I started answering the phone and being concerned about HIS son and his ex wife started talking to ME about her concern for their boy and she became more and more comfortable in dealing with ME. I know you don't actually care for her but.......it could be that she gets waaaayyyyy to emotional when she has to talk to him. It's too bad that a lot of divorced parents don't realize that the situation is not about them any-more......it's about the kids and their happiness! Just my HO Bubbles
livid Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 My fiance doesn't want a friendship with her. She runs over him and gets mad when it doesn't go her way. She had him babysitting her other two kids and running errands. He smartened up and got out of her 'web' about 6 months ago. She's had issues since. But anyway, no, he doesn't want a friendship. He says he can't stand her. Thanks you guys for all of the useful information. Bubbles, your idea is great. I think I'll try that. Why does she keep calling his cell though, would it be inappropriate to give her our home number and ask her to call there? Or will she harass us there too?! Then that way at least I'd have a more legitimate reason to pick up, because it's my phone. I think I'd feel weird picking up his cell, but if I got mad enough, I'd do it! I'm so trying to keep my cool. I'm trying to do the right thing. Thanks you guys, keep the opinions coming if you have them!
Bubbles Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 You have a VERY valid reason for being angry. I walked in your shoes for 7 years. Tell you b/friend not to answer his cell when she calls. Force her to call the house. Obviously she calls his cell because she does not want YOU to know that she is calling him. She is
Bubbles Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Sorry 'bout that I will finish now.....tee, hee, hee She is doing her best to anger him. She still wants control over him and this is what she has to do to have it. When you start intervening......you will see a huge difference in her behaviour. Bubbles
MBski Posted September 7, 2004 Posted September 7, 2004 So just how much of that stupid behavior and chaos do you think you and your fiance will be able to tolerate? - one more month? one year? two years? Until HE puts a stop to it, her behavior won't change. She'll continue to USE her daughter as a pawn to get at her ex. The child is only six. She's not emancipated until she's 18. Can you take 12 more YEARS of the monster calling his cell phone? Of course not! Stop it now ~ or you'll end up divorced too. Does he have caller id on his cell phone? Then he can hit the "end" button when he sees her number pop up. (My kids call it the "F" "U" button ...) He can establish a day and a time that he'll call her back so that she isn't calling him at all hours of the night and day and being disruptive. She is the child's father, not the mother's babysitter or errand boy. If she starts using visitation against him, he should be vigilant about filing complaints for contempt against her. His child is the most important thing. The mother should not be able to use her as a pawn. Sounds like the child really needs a relationship with dad. Think about the long term. Where do the three of you want to be in a year? two years? five years? How do you plan to get there? Will the Ex still be causing chaos then? It's up to you and your fiance.
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