Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 This is long, I'm going to try and highlight the key points I've been talking with this girl for 3 weeks. We've had four dates, we had one schedule for today, but she canceled last night. We've had a lot of text conversations, a few phone, and we've talked about all kinds of stuff, both have mentioned how much we are attracted to each other and even both of us have hinted at future dates (like Halloween costumes or small vacations), but the last two days I've pretty much heard nothing. Saturday we have a date, we go out to dinner, ice skate then movie, make out, cuddle at her place and talk about how much we like "this". I texted her when I got home something like "good night gorgeous" and she only responded with "good night!" , I didn't think much of it as she was tired and we just saw each other. A week or so ago, she texted me "good night handsome", and we have been doing similar texts for goodnight and good morning until yesterday We had a small road trip planned for today. I texted her yesterday good morning, I don't hear from her. A few hours later I ask her how her day is and when is the birthday party (family) she is going to. Short response soon after. I texted her a couple hours later just asking how it was. Didn't hear back. I leave a voice mail 6 hours later to solidify our plans for today, she texts back that she can't make it. Her sister is in town (she goes to school 3 hours away) and wants to spend time with her. I'm fine with that, today's trip was just to some giant stores and outlet malls, nothing major and we arent exclusive or officially dating, so I'm fine. I ask her though "are still good", and she says "yeah". I try to set up a couple dates this week (last week I cooked for her during the week and then saturday normal date). She has a family thing saturday, but we at least have tentative plans for Wednesday. Basically it was all one way conversation with no details yet I texted her last night something like "good night gorgeous" and she only responded with "good night!" I texted her this morning, but haven't heard from her yet. I'll call tonight if I don't hear from her to try and solidify plans for Wednesday. I don't expect full conversations when she is with family, but her responses have stopped for the most part and she has toned them down. I know she isn't talking with anyone else and she already told me if I lose interest to let her know and she said she'd do the same likewise. I know I should just believe her, but I've had women flake out before. I also am scientifically inclined, so I examine every minute detail. So should I just believe her? Thoughts? Thankfully I'll know pretty soon as Wednesday isn't far away.
clia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I think you should believe her for now. It's only been a day and she has had family things going on. I think you are really overthinking it. I also think you should cut back on the texting over the next couple of days. When I read your post, it struck me that you knew she was busy doing other things yesterday, yet you kept sending texts asking her how things were going and how her day was going. (I get that you needed to know if you were still on for today, but beyond that, it seemed like a lot of texts to me.) Also, I think "good morning" texts are silly. (JMO!) Maybe try stopping those over the next two days and see how she reacts. It could just be that you are hitting the three week point, she likes you, but is feeling uncertain, and all of your texts are somewhat overwhelming her. Just take a step back, contact her once to finalize your plans on Wednesday, and see how things go that evening. 1
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I think you should believe her for now. It's only been a day and she has had family things going on. I think you are really overthinking it. I also think you should cut back on the texting over the next couple of days. When I read your post, it struck me that you knew she was busy doing other things yesterday, yet you kept sending texts asking her how things were going and how her day was going. (I get that you needed to know if you were still on for today, but beyond that, it seemed like a lot of texts to me.) Also, I think "good morning" texts are silly. (JMO!) Maybe try stopping those over the next two days and see how she reacts. It could just be that you are hitting the three week point, she likes you, but is feeling uncertain, and all of your texts are somewhat overwhelming her. Just take a step back, contact her once to finalize your plans on Wednesday, and see how things go that evening. I kind of like the good morning texts (I can go either way), she said she liked when I did it, so we've kept it up. I am not planning to contact her really anymore until I hear back. I sent at most two in a row without hearing from her. I don't really send a text until I've heard back from her and yesterday there were wide gaps in those two times I did that. I'll not send a good night one unless she does tonight (same for the good morning tomorrow as well) and see where it goes
VioletSummer Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I would say just to believe she's been busy, but the fact you said she had sent texts like "Good night handsome" previously, but is now only sending "goodnight!" makes me think maybe something has changed. Are you still chatting with her, whether it be via text or call? If so does she seem interested, or long reply times/blunt replies? Just see how things go over the next couple of days and see if she follow through with your plans this week. It may be the case that you meet up and she apologises for having been so busy recently.
nlouis1 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I would say just to believe she's been busy, but the fact you said she had sent texts like "Good night handsome" previously, but is now only sending "goodnight!" makes me think maybe something has changed. Are you still chatting with her, whether it be via text or call? If so does she seem interested, or long reply times/blunt replies? Just see how things go over the next couple of days and see if she follow through with your plans this week. It may be the case that you meet up and she apologises for having been so busy recently. That is it, the change in tone has for the most part caught me off guard not so much the amount of texting. She did put an exclamation mark (yeah, I look into things, thats my nature) We had a short conversation last night when she responded to my voice mail about today's plans but it didnt really feel back and forth. No suggestions from her or questions, just questions from me and her answers. Granted she probably was with her sister and/or family, but it has just been a 180 in her style (some long replies, which is fine as she is been busy, but she had always responded when she woke up to good morning texts...a time when she wouldn't be that busy)
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I frankly don't think you're "over"-thinking this. When there is a dramatic drop-off in the way and frequency of texts, one should wonder. Especially since our experiences tell us that it is an all too possibility that the worse could be happening. I would do as you said you would. Don't contact her until she contacts you. You've already made the contacts necessary for her to respond w/o equivocation. It also seems that you two have been planning/doing a lot. I felt a little disoriented just reading your post. Could she be overwhelmed? Perhaps, if she contacts you again, you could ask her if she needs to slow down? Don't want her to feel like your less interested, but maybe this could be her way to slow things down or letting you know that that's what she wants? Good luck and hope she was just overwhelmed with family, etc, and ready to resume where you two left off.
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 IIt also seems that you two have been planning/doing a lot. I felt a little disoriented just reading your post. Could she be overwhelmed? Perhaps, if she contacts you again, you could ask her if she needs to slow down? Don't want her to feel like your less interested, but maybe this could be her way to slow things down or letting you know that that's what she wants? It could be that, I'll bring that up Wednesday if her pace doesn't go back to normal tomorrow. We have talked about how we don't want to rush anything, maybe her letting off the gas a tad is just to slow it down. She was still all into me Saturday night when we were together, she had ample opportunities to say she was tired and that I should leave (hell she could have said that after we grabbed ice cream before heading to her place to watch a movie). The biggest thing that keeps me positive is that she out right told me to let her know if I lose interested and that she would do the same (and she said yesterday that we were both still good) Most of the "planning" was just casual mentions nothing even close to tentative or concrete. Just fun things we'd like to do in the near future together. One of my friends asked if we were having sex yet and I said no and haven't made a move, my friend was shocked, then I told her that I really liked this one and didn't want to rush it or screw it up
Survivor12 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Of course, not all women are alike, but, personally, I would feel very "cornered" if a guy I just met and began seeing were to be contacting me multiple times per day, inquiring about my activities and expecting me to respond or check in "on schedule". I would much prefer a random call once every day or two just to say, "hey, I was thinking about you" and perhaps setting up our next date. For me, brief TM are good for relaying info ("on my way", etc.) I'm not a fan of "conversational" texting. I also prefer getting to know someone face-to-face. Although I am a "planner" when it comes to obligations, I prefer spontaneity in my free time so I tend not to make plans too far ahead. Despite all that, none of these quirks are necessarily deal breakers. If I was interested in someone, I could be flexible and willing to compromise, but in all honesty, I would recoil if I felt all of my boundaries were being crossed. From what you have told us, it seems that perhaps your friend is feeling a bit "crowded" and is backing off a bit in the hope that you will take her lead. So stop with the "are we still good" questions, stop texting her every day and night and understand that if she wants to tell you about her life or her plans, she will tell you. Remind yourself that, at this point, she is still just someone you are getting to know. Enjoy it. You aren't a couple yet so stop thinking like you are. At least give her a chance to catch up. 2
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Of course, not all women are alike, but, personally, I would feel very "cornered" if a guy I just met and began seeing were to be contacting me multiple times per day, inquiring about my activities and expecting me to respond or check in "on schedule". I would much prefer a random call once every day or two just to say, "hey, I was thinking about you" and perhaps setting up our next date. For me, brief TM are good for relaying info ("on my way", etc.) I'm not a fan of "conversational" texting. I also prefer getting to know someone face-to-face. Although I am a "planner" when it comes to obligations, I prefer spontaneity in my free time so I tend not to make plans too far ahead. I only asked how the party was and left a lot of time between that and when I called to try and see what the next day's plans were. I agree that I like to get to know someone face to face, but we've had a lot of small conversations over text. My communication level is pretty much always reactionary, I let the woman set the pace about how much we contact each other and what we talk about over text or phone Sure I'll make the first move, but I see how they act in terms of the amount of communication. Good morning texts, and such, she started and said she liked when I did the same. From what you have told us, it seems that perhaps your friend is feeling a bit "crowded" and is backing off a bit in the hope that you will take her lead. So stop with the "are we still good" questions, stop texting her every day and night and understand that if she wants to tell you about her life or her plans, she will tell you. I only asked that since her communication pattern changed significantly and she canceled the next day's date. I've seen it happen many times where communication drops, then a date is canceled and then I never hear from the person again. So I don't think that one question was out of hand. Remind yourself that, at this point, she is still just someone you are getting to know. Enjoy it. You aren't a couple yet so stop thinking like you are. At least give her a chance to catch up. Oh I know we're not a couple and I dont think we are, but our communication style and what we talk about through text has been dictated by her actions and when those change drastically, I don't think it is odd for it to strike my notice.
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 This is long, I'm going to try and highlight the key points I've been talking with this girl for 3 weeks. We've had four dates, we had one schedule for today, but she canceled last night. We've had a lot of text conversations, a few phone, and we've talked about all kinds of stuff, both have mentioned how much we are attracted to each other and even both of us have hinted at future dates (like Halloween costumes or small vacations), but the last two days I've pretty much heard nothing. Saturday we have a date, we go out to dinner, ice skate then movie, make out, cuddle at her place and talk about how much we like "this". I texted her when I got home something like "good night gorgeous" and she only responded with "good night!" , I didn't think much of it as she was tired and we just saw each other. A week or so ago, she texted me "good night handsome", and we have been doing similar texts for goodnight and good morning until yesterday We had a small road trip planned for today. I texted her yesterday good morning, I don't hear from her. A few hours later I ask her how her day is and when is the birthday party (family) she is going to. Short response soon after. I texted her a couple hours later just asking how it was. Didn't hear back. I leave a voice mail 6 hours later to solidify our plans for today, she texts back that she can't make it. Her sister is in town (she goes to school 3 hours away) and wants to spend time with her. I'm fine with that, today's trip was just to some giant stores and outlet malls, nothing major and we arent exclusive or officially dating, so I'm fine. I ask her though "are still good", and she says "yeah". I try to set up a couple dates this week (last week I cooked for her during the week and then saturday normal date). She has a family thing saturday, but we at least have tentative plans for Wednesday. Basically it was all one way conversation with no details yet I texted her last night something like "good night gorgeous" and she only responded with "good night!" I texted her this morning, but haven't heard from her yet. I'll call tonight if I don't hear from her to try and solidify plans for Wednesday. I don't expect full conversations when she is with family, but her responses have stopped for the most part and she has toned them down. I know she isn't talking with anyone else and she already told me if I lose interest to let her know and she said she'd do the same likewise. I know I should just believe her, but I've had women flake out before. I also am scientifically inclined, so I examine every minute detail. So should I just believe her? Thoughts? Thankfully I'll know pretty soon as Wednesday isn't far away. You're pushing too hard, back off a little. It's 4 dates, not 4 years. 1
VioletSummer Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 That is it, the change in tone has for the most part caught me off guard not so much the amount of texting. She did put an exclamation mark (yeah, I look into things, thats my nature) We had a short conversation last night when she responded to my voice mail about today's plans but it didnt really feel back and forth. No suggestions from her or questions, just questions from me and her answers. Granted she probably was with her sister and/or family, but it has just been a 180 in her style (some long replies, which is fine as she is been busy, but she had always responded when she woke up to good morning texts...a time when she wouldn't be that busy) In response to some other questioning whether she's overwhelmed, although this could be the case it seems that they were enjoying spending time together and the frequency of contact wasn't bothering her at first? In any case, like I've said previously you should wait it out until Wednesday then report back! It will be interesting to see if she makes your plans or not. 1
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 In response to some other questioning whether she's overwhelmed, although this could be the case it seems that they were enjoying spending time together and the frequency of contact wasn't bothering her at first? In any case, like I've said previously you should wait it out until Wednesday then report back! It will be interesting to see if she makes your plans or not. Yeah, I'll contact her tomorrow to try and solidify plans if I don't hear from her at all tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes It is possible that she just wants to make sure we don't rush it, and maybe frequency of contact caught up to her even though she sort of set the tone. We'll see
VioletSummer Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yeah, I'll contact her tomorrow to try and solidify plans if I don't hear from her at all tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes It is possible that she just wants to make sure we don't rush it, and maybe frequency of contact caught up to her even though she sort of set the tone. We'll see Good luck buddy, hope it all works out
Author Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Good luck buddy, hope it all works out Alright, thanks...still haven't heard from her...I'm just going to trust her word; just will text her tomorrow on my break
Author Casablanca Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) ****, I decided to look at her facebook profile; she defriended me...not that her account is deactivated, but it shows that we aren't friends anymore I've tried to get her to just text me by asking how her day with her sister was, haven't heard anything...I'll probably text her in an hour or so asking what happened and if it was anything I did. I am totally in shock as she was all into me all through Saturday night and our date. Then nothing these last two days. Maybe she moved things too fast and then boom. What really pisses me off is she specifically told me to tell her if I lose interest to let her know and she said she'd do the same to me. But instead a disappearing act...sigh Edited January 22, 2013 by Casablanca
Tally123 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Hmmm I think if you used to speak alot at the beginning and then the communication has become less and less, then that could not be good news, I think if she has always been like this, well, then it's up to you whether this is for you and whether you want to be with someone who communicates more. All I know is, that when there are two people who are dating and they both want to be with each other, it's easy and not this difficult
Els Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I don't know about the current norms, but IMO that much one-sided communication from a guy during a day that he knows I'm busy with family, would put me off quite a bit. If she doesn't answer, you leave the ball in her court, you don't text her again and again and again. 1
Emilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 What percentage of texts did you initiate before she blew you off for that Monday Casablanca? I think it was rude of her just to send you a text that she couldn't make it when you clearly made tentative plans of some kind. I think you probably pushed her further away by the amount of contact afterwards though. I know you were anxious because she started cutting back on contact but it would have been best to let her come to you more. When she blew you out, it would have been better to allow her to re-arrange rather than push. I don't know how mutual the contact was initially but it sounds like it got too much for her too quickly. Sorry
Emilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 What really pisses me off is she specifically told me to tell her if I lose interest to let her know and she said she'd do the same to me. But instead a disappearing act...sigh Well it's a difficult thing to do when the other person is so invested so quickly. She probably didn't want to face the 'back and forth' that would have been inevitable.
Author Casablanca Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 What percentage of texts did you initiate before she blew you off for that Monday Casablanca? I think it was rude of her just to send you a text that she couldn't make it when you clearly made tentative plans of some kind. I think you probably pushed her further away by the amount of contact afterwards though. About 50% random messages from her about being excited to see me where not uncommon I wouldnt say I pushed at all; I mostly kept my distance. She has texted me before when she was hanging with her dad, just not a full conversation. Based on our history, dictated by HER pacing, a good morning text, a text 3 or 4 hours later, a response from her, a text from me another 3 hours later and then a call to solidify plans another 5hrs doesn't seem over bearing when we have had tons of contact. And again, I let the woman dictate the amount of contact early on
Emilia Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 About 50% random messages from her about being excited to see me where not uncommon I wouldnt say I pushed at all; I mostly kept my distance. She has texted me before when she was hanging with her dad, just not a full conversation. Based on our history, dictated by HER pacing, a good morning text, a text 3 or 4 hours later, a response from her, a text from me another 3 hours later and then a call to solidify plans another 5hrs doesn't seem over bearing when we have had tons of contact. And again, I let the woman dictate the amount of contact early on Ok. To be honest I would stop analysing her reasons if possible since I think she is quite rude/flakey. Backing out of an arrangement (your Monday plans) is pretty bad. The onus was on her to arrange something or to be at least more receptive. 50-50% initiation is fair so it wasn't you that pushed her away though it sounded like you got anxious towards the end. Probably not made any difference to the outcome though.
Brunettie Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I think everything is fine. You'll see for sure tomorrow. Good luck I just saw the 2nd page, sorry. I feel dumb now. Did you text her and ask, like you said you were planning?
Author Casablanca Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I think everything is fine. You'll see for sure tomorrow. Good luck I just saw the 2nd page, sorry. I feel dumb now. Did you text her and ask, like you said you were planning? I did, got no response...said something like "I can take a hint based on no replies and defriending on facebook, but I'm just curious to what changed, you seemed really into me through Saturday, then a complete 180 degree turn; what change? I wish you luck in finding the right man for you, but I feel I am owed at least a "I'm not interested anymore" after 4 dates and how into me you seemed. " Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea; just shocking that it was such a quick 180 degree turn in a matter of hours. My best friend and I came to the conclusion an ex showed back up in the picture, balanced between me and him Sunday and then decided to forget me and get with him. Might not be right, but plausible theory
SJC2008 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I did, got no response...said something like "I can take a hint based on no replies and defriending on facebook, but I'm just curious to what changed, you seemed really into me through Saturday, then a complete 180 degree turn; what change? I wish you luck in finding the right man for you, but I feel I am owed at least a "I'm not interested anymore" after 4 dates and how into me you seemed. " Oh well, plenty of other fish in the sea; just shocking that it was such a quick 180 degree turn in a matter of hours. My best friend and I came to the conclusion an ex showed back up in the picture, balanced between me and him Sunday and then decided to forget me and get with him. Might not be right, but plausible theory You're barking up the ass of a dead dog. This is classic passive agressive behavior. I wonder how she handles real problmes when she's actually in a relationship?? Probably the same way, radio silence, let the man guess and pull it out of her. I once dated a woman who told me she was going on a hunting when I asked her out. Too bad it wasn't hunting season, I got the hint. I guess that was easier than "Sorry x, I don't see this going anywhere on my end...", we were 3 dates in.
Recommended Posts