MOM to OM to NC

[LetMeGo]

I had been married for 3 years at the time and had a young child with my wife. Our relationship wasn't entirely sexless but was very draining emotionally and the few years of arguments/fights had worn me out. My wife thrived on argument where I preferred to discuss issues rationally and my calmness seemed to infuriate her more, a vicious cycle with no resolution.

Divorce was not discussed in the beginning but our unhappiness with the situation was argued constantly with the same no-win outcome. At the end of those few years D was discussed and we concluded we would try and hold things together for the sake of our child, this began our silent years of marriage. More on this later... My affair story starts early in 2004 when my AP joined the Department I worked for, she was in a committed R with her BF when she transferred internally and internationally to my Department (her BF traveling with her).

 

In the first month he would meet her every day for lunch but soon stopped meeting her at her request. I wont lie, I knew very well she was committed in a relationship to someone else and she knew from the start that I was married with a child. I was instantly attracted to her and subsequently found the feelings were mutual. Our jobs required us to work closely (and often times privately) together on projects, within a month or two an emotional affair had developed. Classic scenario, we were able to discuss things we were unable to with our SO's.

We understood each other like there was an amazing connection between us. We would make time together at the office by going to the privacy of a secluded lockable room far away from our desks and continued to discuss our problems.

 

We always went to lunch, in the beginning, with other colleagues but soon found ourselves wanting to be alone at lunchtimes so we drove 10 min from the office to a park and sat in the car and talked. One day after spending lunch together we sat in my car to discuss "our" relationship. I knew I wanted more, the "need" was overpowering. She said she can't because of her BF...she relented a few minutes after saying this had to be "just a bit of fun". I didn't care at this point if it was just a bit of fun, I just wanted to be with her.

 

The lust at this point was overwhelming. As our Projects developed so did our relationship, these projects required travel to various parts of the Country and of course, as project lead, I could arrange for her to assist me. At this stage (6 months in) we had done nothing more than kiss and cuddle when we were alone but we both admitted there was sexual chemistry between us and was there anything we could do about it. She agreed to have sex "to get it out of our systems" and we could both move on with our lives (this phrase was repeated by her many times within our affair especially after one of us had decided to end it).

 

She told me that her BF and her no longer had sex anymore and it was simply a "Platonic" relationship. Our sex was passionate, it was electric, it was amazing, we both agreed that it was the best sex we had ever had bar none - and it was. She was all I ever wanted and I never wanted this to end. We discussed our undying love for each other while still maintaining (trying to maintain) this was just a bit of fun. We discussed that we are each others "One" and that we were each others "Soulmate".

 

We both declared to each other that this was what "True Love" was and she wished "we had met sooner" and that if we were together we would be together forever. I did catch her sex chatting a colleague in another Country early on during this time but that is another story...

The affair continued to blossom as we spent more and more time together. The more intimate time we had together the more we wanted to be together. Our discussions began revolving around our significant others and what we could do to be together. She said she could not leave because "He had done nothing to justify her leaving" but she would sort things out so we could be together in the future. During this time my W suspected nothing although I did lie about my R with the MOW (at this point she was the married other woman) the one time I was asked was there something happening between us as we travelled together so much.

 

There was no change in our marriage just the same stoney silence to avoid the dreaded arguments, I felt much better knowing I had someone to talk to about my marriage problems. I however had decided that this affair was a sign that there was something wrong with my marriage and that I wanted to sort it out and end both my wife and my suffering. I refused my W request to go to MC as I felt the personality conflict couldn't be resolved and that I did not want to stay married, instead I went to see an IC.

 

Through these sessions I realised I needed to accept that a divorce would not affect our child any more than the affect of continuing to live together unhappily. In 2008 my wife and I discussed this and our marriage, we agreed to separate with the intention to divorce. Since separation we have been better friends than we ever were during the marriage and agree it was the best thing we ever could have done.

Our divorce finalized in 2010. To this day she does not know of my affair and I have always told her I was never unfaithful during our time together, not because I am afraid of repercussions or owning up but because I don't feel she needs to have to hurt after we have divorced.

 

I still hold the guilt of what I have done, not only guilt about my wife but also of my AP's betrayed BF. My AP stated before the discussions with my wife that I should not end my marriage as it would change the dynamic of our affair...that the single partner almost always demands more from the affair. I did not believe this at the time but know it now all too well as the other man.

The reality was this affair doubled as an exit affair for me and without my AP I may never have thought to break up with my wife. At the time I was separating with my wife I also left the Company and spent 6 months off work to think about where I wanted to be. I eventually returned to the Company in a central role which meant I worked from home with no reason to go into the office with my AP.

 

The separation meant my AP and I had the possibility to see each other in the privacy of my own home and it was unbelievable being free to have intimate moments when she was able to get away from her BF. She would come almost every lunchtime and would stay over two nights a week and spend another 2 evenings of that week with me. The sex and the closeness was still amazing and we continued to talk about our love for each other.

She continue to tell me we would be together but only after she had sorted various things out with her partner. This began a long series of reasons why, when asked, she could not leave to be with me. She was originally supporting her BF financially and when he got a job she could leave.

 

Once he got a job she couldn't leave because of their permanent residence...once their residency status was confirmed he left his job and she had to support him...the excuses continued indefinately. Once my complaints got stronger the arguments and the break up get back together cycle began. She would constantly say that she can not handle this relationship any more and break things off yet within a week was coming back to me saying she missed me and couldn't live without me.

She told me to give her an ultimatum but I refused believing if she wanted to be with me she could sort things out. Over the last few years she started playing tennis and reduced the time she saw me to a lunchtime or two a week and one night (if she can make it)...she says she can't see me more but I know it is that she won't. She tells me that tennis is the only thing which makes her feel good now and arranges any free time to play at the exclusion of time with me. When asked if she can spend more time with me instead of tennis she tells me not to make her choose between me and tennis as it causing her to hate me.

 

I broke up with her in Dec 2011 and we both went NC, I was doing fine until I had to ask her for something work related in Mar 2012 which she happily provided. She then started to text me saying how much she missed me and she wanted to see me, wanted to be in my arms and to make love to me. At I first ignored the texts but she called me on my business phone which I cannot screen, at that point I missed her so deeply I could not refuse to see her again. She told me she had decided to move back to her home Country and we agreed to carry on until she left as it would be a final end to our relationship.

 

So started another 8 months of agony with nothing changed, even less contact than before because she has arranged things since I broke up with her. She left on the 12th January 2013 after a night together which I had wanted to discuss our relationship and ways we can either resolve or end it. She avoided any discussion and refused to talk about it saying lets just enjoy the time we have left.

 

When I messaged on chat that I had wanted to discuss us she deleted me as a contact saying she didn't want to talk about it anymore because it always causes a fight. I emailed her saying we were over and have since gone through the start of NC (again). I really have no-one to discuss this with so hoping to get some support from LS to help me stay strong during this NC phase.

Edited January 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LetMeGo]

Sorry I cut and pasted the story and all formatting was lost...it looks a mess and editing doesn't seem to work.

[veryhappy]

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a dead marriage.

 

You simply didn't mean as much to her as you had hoped. It could be cultural, it could be that she liked to play with the fire - you say she was carrying sexual conversations with other people. The reality is she got married instead of being wih you and she moved back to her home country.

 

What's left for you? Grief and knowing that there are other women out there. I'm sure you'll find one that will make you her priority. You see...when she said "this needs to be just a bit of fun" you were already doomed. Her life was set in her mind. How much she loved you or how perfect you were didn't matter. ExMM said a few times "I don't see myself getting a divorce" the first time we met in an A setting. I had no intentions of getting a R out of it at that time, but when things went south that apparently insignificant piece became very important. I had already been cast in a role, start to finish and nothing changed that.

[LetMeGo]

Thanks Cutedragon. My only regret was not having the courage to do end the marriage before the affair. No it seems I didn't.

 

I am pretty sure it was a "self esteem" thing on her part as the tennis thing confirms she needs something to make her happy. No she isn't married and is planning to return home at which point she told me she will assess her current relationship.

 

Yes, I am left with nothing but anger at myself for not seeing the signs. I guess I thought things would be different once we spent more time together but you are right she had her life planned from that moment. I had no plans for a R at the beginning but after the emotional/physical connections I eventually wanted that R.

Edited January 21, 2013 by LetMeGo
formatting again

[veryhappy]

The difference is that you had already checked out of your M. I was in the same position. Even if we didn't mean to find a R, we were emotionally available. She, just as exMM, weren't. They were still to entangled in their lives, no matter what they said to us.

 

You couldn't have seen the signs, because the bs she sold you made you believe differently. I have moments when I feel stupid and naive, and I didn't think I'd get o feel that. I'm at peace with myself that I loved with all my heart, and I was as honest as I could to everyone unlike him who played both fronts and lied when he simply didn't need to. Big life lesson about who I am and who I should trust.

 

It takes a lot to get a divorce. I'm still married, so good for you for following trough even if it took an exit A.

Edited January 21, 2013 by cutedragon

[LetMeGo]

Yes, It did take a while but I did go through with the divorce. I just don't get why they lie to maintain the A...although she said in the beginning "Bit of fun" yet BS throughout saying we will be together.

 

I was too blinded in the heat of the moment to see any signs and too stupid to leave when I did. I just cant wait until the day she leaves the Country as I know NC will be forced upon this A. Until them I am going to keep quiet as best I can.

 

I know there are many women out there but why do I keep getting sucked back into the R with this girl? Why is it so hard to stop seeing her?

 

Have you told your story here? If so I will check it out.

[veryhappy]

You will find that trying to understand somebody else's whys is very exhausting and it leads nowhere. I doubt most of the times they understand why. Some times is simply wanting to get the best of both worlds for as much as they can - you'll see it as "cake eating" around here. It will be more effective for you to make sense of things for yourself in a way that you can move on. Who knows what she meant and who knows what she'll think of you in time? If she's not a horrible person she probably meant what she said in the moment, and then went home to her bf and realized she wouldn't change her life. Many APs go back and forth between the two states and would never decide one way or the other on their own.

 

Why do you want her? Wish I could tell you. We click and work well with the people we do. Most I've read though says that people do eventually find partners they like just as much or better, the key to it being willing and ready and open to having somebody else.

 

If you click my id name, you can find the threads I started. My story is in the love letters threads.

 

You can also search threads started by RickFox and East7, see if that's helpful.

Edited January 21, 2013 by cutedragon

[LetMeGo]

I think I should be reflecting on why "I" allowed it to happen and fix that rather than on why she has/said done the things. I lurked on the forum for 3 days before my post day and read quite a lot and the "cake eater" personality fits this woman to a T. The "self esteem" also suited the R (probably for both of us) and I guess that is why I am constantly asking myself "Why?".

 

Anyway on the day I went NC (10 days ago) I also permanently deleted all her photo's, blocked her email addresses and threw everything even remotely related to her. Garbage is collected on a Thur morn so it will be out of mind with no possibility of retrieval in but a few day. The act gave me closure on the A...I just need to work on my self worth now.

 

Yes I am open to the possibility for a new start with someone and know definitely there is someone who can give me those things I wanted/needed for so long. I do know I will never go for an unavailable women again!!!!

 

I saw you "Love Letter" and thought just how similar our xAP/WP's were in that respect. I always get them from one day to 5 months after we said it would end. This time however the channels have been reduced to business only comms (I still work in same company and will have to work together on certain projects) until she goes home. It gives me hope and I will be strong.

 

Saw your story, we do have many similarities (apart from being opposite gender and me being in the A for 8 years of course) and I hope you are dealing with it ok...

 

I really appreciate your reply even though my story had lost all formatting and read like I was not taking a breath...Thanks to the Mod/s for sorting it out for me!!!