Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I thought I was doing well in the past few weeks... Ups and downs definitely but yesterday took the cake. At about 6:30 am i had a vivid dream of ex and her friend coming over to my place and the friend starting right off by saying that there is no chance of you guys getting back together. Then my ex starts telling me how she is doing all of these other guys and stuff... Ugh. Had me wake up in a panic and had the worst anxiety rest of day. Thing is i have been telling myself that i dont want her back. We had so much fun when together for 6 years, never argued but there was something missing for her and she got with her married boss. I can rattle of 30 things that are wrong with her... Immaturity, life skills, etc. I know i could never take her back because of what she has done but I am struggling bad. We have had NC for the last 2 months since BU and i thought i would be much better. I am getting so agitated with myself that i cant get over this. It seems like every day that passes i miss her more instead of less and want to contact her. Now i have myself questioning telling her no at being friends because i just wanna talk to her. I have always been good at not contacting the dumper but I am holding on by a thread. Why cant reality just set in that it wasnt there for her? How did we last 6 years then? Why doesnt she care at all about me anymore? Im going crazy right now!
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I thought I was doing well in the past few weeks... Ups and downs definitely but yesterday took the cake. At about 6:30 am i had a vivid dream of ex and her friend coming over to my place and the friend starting right off by saying that there is no chance of you guys getting back together. Then my ex starts telling me how she is doing all of these other guys and stuff... Ugh. Had me wake up in a panic and had the worst anxiety rest of day. Thing is i have been telling myself that i dont want her back. We had so much fun when together for 6 years, never argued but there was something missing for her and she got with her married boss. I can rattle of 30 things that are wrong with her... Immaturity, life skills, etc. I know i could never take her back because of what she has done but I am struggling bad. We have had NC for the last 2 months since BU and i thought i would be much better. I am getting so agitated with myself that i cant get over this. It seems like every day that passes i miss her more instead of less and want to contact her. Now i have myself questioning telling her no at being friends because i just wanna talk to her. I have always been good at not contacting the dumper but I am holding on by a thread. Why cant reality just set in that it wasnt there for her? How did we last 6 years then? Why doesnt she care at all about me anymore? Im going crazy right now! Where are you right now? If you're home, get out! Go do something, anything. Movies, park, bestbuy, etc... it's normal to have a set back. It's your choice to contact her or not, but if you know it's doomed, I probably wouldn't. It's like smoking this one cigarette after a 6 months quit, you'll feel like sh*t for doing it and it won't serve any purpose.
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Where are you right now? If you're home, get out! Go do something, anything. Movies, park, bestbuy, etc... it's normal to have a set back. It's your choice to contact her or not, but if you know it's doomed, I probably wouldn't. It's like smoking this one cigarette after a 6 months quit, you'll feel like sh*t for doing it and it won't serve any purpose. Im at home right now about to go meet some friends in hour or so. I have been working out etc and getting out but nights and mornings are bad. I just dont believe that I miss her this much. In the first few weeks i hardly missed her... Was in denial and shock! I will never contact her after what she has done but find myself wanting her to contact me... Not so much to get back together but to validate that 6 years meant something. I know that would serve no purpose at all and only set me back... Its just plain weird to me. I deserve better than her but cant seem to let go completely.
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Im at home right now about to go meet some friends in hour or so. I have been working out etc and getting out but nights and mornings are bad. I just dont believe that I miss her this much. In the first few weeks i hardly missed her... Was in denial and shock! I will never contact her after what she has done but find myself wanting her to contact me... Not so much to get back together but to validate that 6 years meant something. I know that would serve no purpose at all and only set me back... Its just plain weird to me. I deserve better than her but cant seem to let go completely. My sister died in July, I wrote to her a week ago or so (to the cemetery, they must think I'm a nutcase). It doesn't serve any purpose but to try and maintain contact with her. Break ups can be similar to grieving, we miss them, even if we know it's over for good. I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself, you're human, it's part of the natural process. 6 years is a good amount of years, I admire people who can get over their relationship in a week. Or maybe I would just like to know how. However for the majority of us, it's not that easy. When they say "it takes time", it does. You have to learn how to live on your own again, it's going to take practice at first, then it will become part of your routine, she'll be a thing of the past. But for now, go enjoy your friends!
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) My sister died in July, I wrote to her a week ago or so (to the cemetery, they must think I'm a nutcase). It doesn't serve any purpose but to try and maintain contact with her. Break ups can be similar to grieving, we miss them, even if we know it's over for good. I wouldn't be too harsh on yourself, you're human, it's part of the natural process. 6 years is a good amount of years, I admire people who can get over their relationship in a week. Or maybe I would just like to know how. However for the majority of us, it's not that easy. When they say "it takes time", it does. You have to learn how to live on your own again, it's going to take practice at first, then it will become part of your routine, she'll be a thing of the past. But for now, go enjoy your friends! Thanks, i appreciate the response and am so sorry about your sister. I know its over but i guess there is that tiny piece of me that wants her back. I thought i would be over wanting her back at least by now. Its funny when you know all of the right things to do... Give yourself time to grieve, time heals all, see friends etc. but until your emotions subside you cant seem to process though. I desparately just wanna be over his... Just cant believe someone that meant sooooo much to me for a large part of my adult life is gone... I will never speak to her again... This is CRAZY talk after leaving me for someone else! Whats wrong with me? Edited January 21, 2013 by Navajo46
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Thanks, i appreciate the response and am so sorry about your sister. I know its over but i guess there is that tiny piece of me that wants her back. I thought i would be over wanting her back at least by now. Its funny when you know all of the right things to do... Give yourself time to grieve, time heals all, see friends etc. but until your emotions subside you cant seem to process though. I desparately just wanna be over his... Just cant believe someone that meant sooooo much to me for a large part of my adult life is gone... I will never speak to her again... This is CRAZY talk after leaving me for someone else! Whats wrong with me? Thanks. Nothing's wrong with you. At all. My guess is that it will take you about a year to be moved on. However, I am not in your shoes. I do think the trick is to make the genuine effort to get over her. I read a lot of threads about people who claim being in a NC phase and you then discover that well they can't really take them off their social media page because they don't want to be mean (wtf?). Or they can't change phone number because oh well, you know, the electric company might call... New phone numbers can be given to family, friends, and electric companies. Social medias are drama nests, etc... You on the other hand seems to be genuinely on your way to recovery, keep up the good work, chin up, you will absolutely get there.
KathyM Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the best remedy to get over her is to remind yourself, when you get these feelings, that you deserve better. That she's not the person you thought she was. That there are women out there who believe in fidelity and have the character you are looking for. Keep engaging in this self talk that reinforces these concepts, and I think you will find your resolve to get over her stronger. You may also want to look up relaxation exercises which would help you with your panic attacks, and would help to calm you during those panic attacks. Deep breathing exercises are especially helpful to calm you.
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the best remedy to get over her is to remind yourself, when you get these feelings, that you deserve better. That she's not the person you thought she was. That there are women out there who believe in fidelity and have the character you are looking for. Keep engaging in this self talk that reinforces these concepts, and I think you will find your resolve to get over her stronger. You may also want to look up relaxation exercises which would help you with your panic attacks, and would help to calm you during those panic attacks. Deep breathing exercises are especially helpful to calm you. Thats the thing is i know that i deserve better and there are better women out there. I guess I am in love with one side of her. The side that is so fun and how we got along soooo well. I have dated a lot of women and never had that friendship and laughing everytime you see each other for 6 years. The other side however is full of not knowing how to live an adult life. It was the first time for me to ever say I love you and i am 36... I dont take those words lightly. Her mother and sisters had the wedding planned out and we were supposed to get engaged Jan. All firsts for me. I am trying really hard right now to keep my dignity and better myself. I have not eaten in days all of a sudden. How can something affect you so much? And seriously why is it getting worse in time when i am doing the right things. I feel so broken. Another thing is the fear of the future. I am no longer into going out to clubs and things and hate dating which i am sure is feeding into everything.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I go through these panic attacks as well especially when I'm scared they have moved on. Cause I'm still stuck here. I actually cracked and called him. Indian out the bare minimum. He still thinks of me all the time and his not happy. It actually made me feel better. I came Back and Thot well he chose this. Not me. And it wouldn't have worked out onthe end. I think cause I knew he was suffering as well made me feel better. Sounds horrible! but it's true I'm no good with distractions. So I just have to keep thinking he might be worse off than I am.
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 That feeling of panic is normal. 2 months post BU isnt really isnt that much. Reality is setting in for you. I personall right now am feeling angry , bitter and stength to get over this...all wrapped together. Im sort of violently pushing her out of my mind right now and doing some deep breathing exercises. Seems to help to recognize your emotions and pull your mind into the present. F*kin b*tch ..hope she burst into flames then explodes
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I go through these panic attacks as well especially when I'm scared they have moved on. Cause I'm still stuck here. I actually cracked and called him. Indian out the bare minimum. He still thinks of me all the time and his not happy. It actually made me feel better. I came Back and Thot well he chose this. Not me. And it wouldn't have worked out onthe end. I think cause I knew he was suffering as well made me feel better. Sounds horrible! but it's true I'm no good with distractions. So I just have to keep thinking he might be worse off than I am. I am positive mine has moved on... No attempts at all to contact me (i told her not to) she asked the dreaded lets be friends and i said no... she said maybe in a few months and i said no again because i was so hurt and angry at the time. You would think knowing they have moved on would make it easier for me. That honestly would make me feel better too if i found out my ex was suffering... Then i would at least know i meant something to her. But i know i will NEVER get that from her.
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) That feeling of panic is normal. 2 months post BU isnt really isnt that much. Reality is setting in for you. I personall right now am feeling angry , bitter and stength to get over this...all wrapped together. Im sort of violently pushing her out of my mind right now and doing some deep breathing exercises. Seems to help to recognize your emotions and pull your mind into the present. F*kin b*tch ..hope she burst into flames then explodes This is another thing i have been struggling with... The daily back and forth being angry and calling her a bitch and then not wanting to be angry at her because its not healthy. I read it will only prolong your recovery. I honestly dont want to look at the time i spent in the last 6 years as wasted. The other thing that kills me the most is the uncontrollable images of them being with someone else sexually... Trust me i know it either has happened or will happen. I have no control of these thoughts and they just pop into my head and immediately my heart pounds man. Edited January 21, 2013 by Navajo46
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) This is another thing i have been struggling with... The daily back and forth being angry and calling her a bitch and then not wanting to be angry at her because its not healthy. I read it will only prolong your recovery. I honestly dont want to look at the time i spent in the last 6 years as wasted. The other thing that kills me the most is the uncontrollable images of them being with someone else. I have no control of these thoughts and they just pop into my head and immediately my heart pounds man. I think being angry is fine and healthy. Actually all the emotions you feel a are fine. You just need to process them and not repress them. I will ultimately forgive my ex and not care. I don't see my 8 years with ex as wasted at all. We had a great time shared tons of experiences together ect. The fact that we feel anger etcetera is just part of the grieving process. As far as the images with another guy. I suggest diving into these and imagining her getting pounded hard by anew guy for as long as you can stomach it. This will make it easier and dull the sharp edges off these thought. I did it and it helps a lot. Now i couldn't give a sh*t who she is f*cking....isn't me. New guy has my sloppy seconds Edited January 21, 2013 by cavalier99
imtooconfused Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Not so much to get back together but to validate that 6 years meant something. I know that would serve no purpose at all and only set me back. Part of what a partner does for us in a normal relationship is that they validate us. They validate that we are friendly, funny, strong, supportive, etc. The dream that you had is an indication that you are starting to lack the confidence in yourself. The dream simply reveals the insecurities that you feel subconsciously. But to resolve those insecurities, you feel like you want to reach out to her, but I think it's not so much to validate the relationship, but to validate that you meant something to her. You should have confidence that the relationship that you HAD was real and that you have no need to be insecure about your ability to have a strong relationship in the future. But to reach out to your EX for validation of this is the exact wrong approach. She is not in a position now to give you the validation you seek. In fact it will likely add to your insecurities because it will call a lot of your past into question. There is no need to do that because you know in your heart that were a strong partner for 6 years. Be strong and maintain NC.
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I think being angry is fine and healthy. Actually all the emotions you feel a are fine. You just need to process them and not repress them. I will ultimately forgive my ex and not care. I don't see my 8 years with ex as wasted at all. We had a great time shared tons of experiences together ect. The fact that we feel anger etcetera is just part of the grieving process. As far as the images with another guy. I suggest diving into these and imagining her getting pounded hard by anew guy for as long as you can stomach it. This will make it easier and dull the sharp edges off these thought. I did it and it helps a lot. Now i couldn't give a sh*t who she is f*cking....isn't me. New guy has my sloppy seconds Someone else gave me the exact same advice and Im just not there yet man. Everytime it pops in i either wake up or cant sleep or something. Maybe ill be strong enough soon.
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Someone else gave me the exact same advice and Im just not there yet man. Everytime it pops in i either wake up or cant sleep or something. Maybe ill be strong enough soon. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH! You just don't know it yet. Act as if and it will be. No thoughts allowed that shrink balls..only ones that make them bigger.
KathyM Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Thats the thing is i know that i deserve better and there are better women out there. I guess I am in love with one side of her. The side that is so fun and how we got along soooo well. I have dated a lot of women and never had that friendship and laughing everytime you see each other for 6 years. The other side however is full of not knowing how to live an adult life. It was the first time for me to ever say I love you and i am 36... I dont take those words lightly. Her mother and sisters had the wedding planned out and we were supposed to get engaged Jan. All firsts for me. I am trying really hard right now to keep my dignity and better myself. I have not eaten in days all of a sudden. How can something affect you so much? And seriously why is it getting worse in time when i am doing the right things. I feel so broken. Another thing is the fear of the future. I am no longer into going out to clubs and things and hate dating which i am sure is feeding into everything. It will take some time to get over this breakup. Try to take care of yourself, in the meantime. Be good to yourself. Eat well, have a regular sleeping schedule. If you find yourself ruminating when you should be sleeping, try the relaxation exercises I talked about. Learn about them. They are helpful not only to help you sleep, but helpful with your anxiety also. It would also be helpful to talk to a therapist if you can. It may be awhile before you feel like putting yourself out there in the dating world, but in the meantime, do things that you enjoy for yourself. Enjoy spending quality time with yourself doing the things that you like to do. Take up a new hobby. Volunteer for a good cause. Put your excess energy into something good, and it will put you in a better mood and distract you from your feelings of dispair. And tell yourself you made the right decision in leaving this relationship, because you deserve someone who values you enough to be faithful to you.
Author Navajo46 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Part of what a partner does for us in a normal relationship is that they validate us. They validate that we are friendly, funny, strong, supportive, etc. The dream that you had is an indication that you are starting to lack the confidence in yourself. The dream simply reveals the insecurities that you feel subconsciously. But to resolve those insecurities, you feel like you want to reach out to her, but I think it's not so much to validate the relationship, but to validate that you meant something to her. You should have confidence that the relationship that you HAD was real and that you have no need to be insecure about your ability to have a strong relationship in the future. But to reach out to your EX for validation of this is the exact wrong approach. She is not in a position now to give you the validation you seek. In fact it will likely add to your insecurities because it will call a lot of your past into question. There is no need to do that because you know in your heart that were a strong partner for 6 years. Be strong and maintain NC. I dont have the confidence because she left me and needed something/someone else after talks of getting married etc. i know what your saying but the part of wonering if 6 years meant anything. i dont think im gonna get over or get validation. Its always going to be a question. Once i am over the relationship. Edited January 21, 2013 by Navajo46
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