iouaname Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Hi all, just wanted to vent some frustrations about my current situation and felt this was the best place. I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. Things were great for a little while, but this fall he started a full time job in a lame, depressing city. I went away to school and could no longer come visit him whenever. In mid-December, we agreed to break up. While we both agreed that it was time to break up, I consider myself the "dumped" because it was his issues that caused the break up. This was my first relationship so I was naive to the way that breaking up worked. I didn't feel it was a permanent break up because he was saying a lot of confusing things and sending a lot of mixed messages (I have since learned the meaning of breadcrumbs .) Among those were: "I still love you and see a future with you, after I've had time to sort things out" and "I don't see myself in a relationship with anyone but you." He REALLY wanted to stay friends. We took some space and talked on a very less frequent basis, but still talked. He told me he wanted me to call whenever. This weekend, I reached my breaking point. I called him to vent about a situation and he snapped at me. He said I treat him like a therapist and that he felt like he was back in a relationship with me and he wanted space. He later apologized and said he was just hungover and tired and he generally surly and that he didn't mean to snap at me. At first I accepted his apology, but then he began to tell me what his "terms" for being friends were and I found it extremely degrading and disrespectful. So I did not agree. Today is my birthday. He called at midnight and sang me "Happy Birthday." It was sweet. Then, he called again this morning but I did not pick up. I love him, I think he's a good guy and I don't think he means to be as volatile as he's been. However, I deserve better. I see how I am setting myself up to be very, very hurt and I'm done with it. I respect myself too much to allow this any longer. I've removed his presence from my life as best I can. I blocked him on Facebook, unfriended his family and friends and had mine do the same, blocked all of the ways in which we communicated online and all of the ways that I could check up on him, deleted his phone #s from my phone and all of our email exchanges. I recognize that the next few weeks are going to be tough, but I'm prepared for them. I had my flaws when it came to this relationship, but I was good to him. I was loyal, honest, and caring. He admits this break up is about how he's feeling about himself. Fine, I accept that. But I do not accept being treated like I'm somehow less valuable than I was months ago. So enough is enough - this is my birthday present to myself. Edited January 21, 2013 by iouaname 4
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi all, just wanted to vent some frustrations about my current situation and felt this was the best place. I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. Things were great for a little while, but this fall he started a full time job in a lame, depressing city. I went away to school and could no longer come visit him whenever. In mid-December, we agreed to break up. While we both agreed that it was time to break up, I consider myself the "dumped" because it was his issues that caused the break up. This was my first relationship so I was naive to the way that breaking up worked. I didn't feel it was a permanent break up because he was saying a lot of confusing things and sending a lot of mixed messages (I have since learned the meaning of breadcrumbs .) Among those were: "I still love you and see a future with you, after I've had time to sort things out" and "I don't see myself in a relationship with anyone but you." He REALLY wanted to stay friends. We took some space and talked on a very less frequent basis, but still talked. He told me he wanted me to call whenever. This weekend, I reached my breaking point. I called him to vent about a situation and he snapped at me. He said I treat him like a therapist and that he felt like he was back in a relationship with me and he wanted space. He later apologized and said he was just hungover and tired and he generally surly and that he didn't mean to snap at me. At first I accepted his apology, but then he began to tell me what his "terms" for being friends were and I found it extremely degrading and disrespectful. So I did not agree. Today is my birthday. He called at midnight and sang me "Happy Birthday." It was sweet. Then, he called again this morning but I did not pick up. I love him, I think he's a good guy and I don't think he means to be as volatile as he's been. However, I deserve better. I see how I am setting myself up to be very, very hurt and I'm done with it. I respect myself too much to allow this any longer. I've removed his presence from my life as best I can. I blocked him on Facebook, unfriended his family and friends and had mine do the same, blocked all of the ways in which we communicated online and all of the ways that I could check up on him, deleted his phone #s from my phone and all of our email exchanges. I recognize that the next few weeks are going to be tough, but I'm prepared for them. I had my flaws when it came to this relationship, but I was good to him. I was loyal, honest, and caring. He admits this break up is about how he's feeling about himself. Fine, I accept that. But I do not accept being treated like I'm somehow less valuable than I was months ago. So enough is enough - this is my birthday present to myself. Why not put the nail in his coffin by changing phone number? You cut off all ties but the phone line.. Happy birthday
Author iouaname Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Thank you both! Samilia - I figure that there will always be ways in which we can contact each other if we want to. I've got to learn some self-discipline. I know his phone # by heart so even if I changed my own, I could always dial him if I so desired. As far as him calling me - I don't expect there to be very many phone calls. He may attempt a few times but after I don't respond, I think he'll get the picture. I made it clear that I wasn't interested in being friends under his ridiculous and insensitive terms
Author iouaname Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I thought that this would be tougher than it has been so far. I know that it's only the start, but I feel so good about myself now that I've blocked all of the online communication. Even before when we weren't speaking - I was able to see when he was online, and it was just as damaging. When he was online, I'd feel tempted to contact him. When he wasn't online, I would feel anxious about what he was out doing. But now... not being able to see what he's doing at all... it feels liberating And knowing that he has no idea what/how I'm doing? A huge bonus.
Author iouaname Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 He called me again earlier tonight. I'm assuming that it's another birthday call, maybe he just figured I was asleep when he called the first time. I was okay until the second call. I ignored it, but now I'm feeling kind of down I feel like an ass for ignoring, because I know that he means well. I want to call him and speak to him, but I won't risk falling into the trap that I know I'll end up in, where I'm always willing to take "one more phone call."
Author iouaname Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 This has officially been the longest that we've gone without contact. I made it clear that I did not want to speak to him, and he has respected that and hasn't messaged me. I won't lie - a part of me has been hoping that he'll contact me, even though there isn't a conversation to be had. I don't feel the urge to reach out to him, though. I always feel bad about myself after, so instead of contacting him I just think about how good I'll feel getting through another day without compromising my dignity. Today is rough, though. Maybe because it's the weekend and I know that he's usually around his apartment doing nothing during the day and I'm hoping that he'll want to reach out to me. Tonight my sister and I are having a joint birthday party, so that'll offer a decent distraction. If only I could shake this stupid hope
cavalier99 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 You seem like a pretty strong gal. I think you'll be fine as long as you stay NC and that bit of hope will fade with time. Just keep up the positive attitude and keep busy. Have fun at the party! Happy b-day. 1
Author iouaname Posted January 27, 2013 Author Posted January 27, 2013 You seem like a pretty strong gal. I think you'll be fine as long as you stay NC and that bit of hope will fade with time. Just keep up the positive attitude and keep busy. Have fun at the party! Happy b-day. Thank you! I wish I could describe myself as "strong" but I'm not sure that that's how I would describe myself. I'm having a pretty tough time with this . I'm continuing on because I have no other choice, really. I want to be strong and independent but I'm not sure how to get there. Right now I just kind of... continue on. I do whatever I need to do to get through each day even with this huge hole in my heart.
h3braica Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 it's really hard when the ex communicates. we're in the same situation right now but i managed not to talk to him. why saying he missed me so much after dumping me? they want us to leave them and chase us after? i dont get it. just be strong. the problem is him not u.
Author iouaname Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I had a really rough day today, probably the hardest that I've had since beginning no contact. I was packing and getting ready to leave for school tomorrow, and I just melted down. He was such a rock for me while I was at school last semester, and I went through a lot of tough times down there. He was always there for me. Now, I have to go back without him and I'm terrified. I was going to contact him. I had convinced myself that it wouldn't be that bad talking to him, and if I kept things light and cheery and non-relationship related that it would be a good thing. Instead though, I called a friend and kind of talked it (well - sobbed it) through, and then I never ended up contacting him. I miss him so much, and I hate that his new job/city caused so much doubts in him. And I wonder if I could have done something to assuage those doubts earlier?
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