kar Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Just some background. He was my boyfriend of over 3 years lived together pretty much at all times minus twice when he would dump me for three month-spans to go party with friends, or concentrate on his career, or has no time between work and gym (the only one I believe is was he wants to party better without me saying why didn't you come home till 7 a.m. again! Anyways he just moved out once again and we were going to try dating living apart to see if space would fix this, but by now I know his pattern - the partying with his friends starts back up, he has to goto the gym everyday to build his body and also his already to large ego, he barely communicates anything etc.. So I knew last night exactly what was coming when I got the familiar text "do you have plans tonight I want to come talk" ..me two break ups ago would have thought "oh yes he wants to fix this, oh great joy!" Sadly I'm not new to this anymore -I'm sure you can read my bitterness as I type this. Luckily I did indeed have plans for the night already so that gave me an extra 24 hours to process this and really think. My question now is - I know what the heck is coming and I know exactly how I'm going to react. Hearing him say it aloud will be like a tornado ripping the breath out me and the tears will fall and I'm ashamed to say I fall back into the "I'll change anything!" which later looking back will only cause me self loathing. So all this said -is it okay to just reply when his inevitable text pops up later tonight to talk "I don't need the break up talk.I understand and wish you well"? In the name of self preservation, can I simply opt out of attending this emotional funeral if the outcome no matter is going to be the same? I typed this all off my phone I'm sorry if it's hard to read just bear with me..
mammasita Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I think its fantastic if you do that. I think it will surprise him and maybe even bruise his ego. Go for it. Just make sure you stand your ground! 1
iouaname Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Of course you can opt out of this conversation! You owe him nothing. You don't even have to respond to the text if you don't want to. 2
FailedFirstLove Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Break up with him first. You have a chance to be that person. It might hurt less since you made the choice. But u have thistime to take it in. You will have the upper hand. Once he realizes he will come back begging. 1
Ajax Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I suspect that if you text him that he'll but put off guard and deny that he was going to break up with you, even if that were his intent all along. Then he'll make YOU look like the insecure one. It might be better to suck it up, hear his spiel, and send him packing. Then stay off the roller coaster. 1
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Just some background. He was my boyfriend of over 3 years lived together pretty much at all times minus twice when he would dump me for three month-spans to go party with friends, or concentrate on his career, or has no time between work and gym (the only one I believe is was he wants to party better without me saying why didn't you come home till 7 a.m. again! Anyways he just moved out once again and we were going to try dating living apart to see if space would fix this, but by now I know his pattern - the partying with his friends starts back up, he has to goto the gym everyday to build his body and also his already to large ego, he barely communicates anything etc.. So I knew last night exactly what was coming when I got the familiar text "do you have plans tonight I want to come talk" ..me two break ups ago would have thought "oh yes he wants to fix this, oh great joy!" Sadly I'm not new to this anymore -I'm sure you can read my bitterness as I type this. Luckily I did indeed have plans for the night already so that gave me an extra 24 hours to process this and really think. My question now is - I know what the heck is coming and I know exactly how I'm going to react. Hearing him say it aloud will be like a tornado ripping the breath out me and the tears will fall and I'm ashamed to say I fall back into the "I'll change anything!" which later looking back will only cause me self loathing. So all this said -is it okay to just reply when his inevitable text pops up later tonight to talk "I don't need the break up talk.I understand and wish you well"? In the name of self preservation, can I simply opt out of attending this emotional funeral if the outcome no matter is going to be the same? I typed this all off my phone I'm sorry if it's hard to read just bear with me.. Sure you can. I mean it's not like it's your first rodeo with this guy. I usually encourage a face to face talk for a break up, but enough is enough, isn't it? He's in a pattern that you recognize now, just do the right thing and save yourself some energy and self esteem. 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yeah... you need to 'fake it'. As he begins his spiel, just yawn and say "oh not this old break up chestnut again! Okay, shove off, jerk. I knew this was coming, so take a hike and this time don't come back, ever. See? I'm not begging, I'm not crying - hell, I really don't give a rat's ass any more.... I'm used to it. Only this time, the dynamics are different. I can't wait to see the back of you, and the next time I see you will be too soon. So 'wave bye-bye' because I can take it, and leave it too." You have to do this. You absolutely totally HAVE to, because otherwise you'll just be repeating the 'hello, I'm your friendly neighbourhood doormat' behaviour, and honestly, you need to be more dignified than that. Truly. You have to grow your proverbial pair and show him you're worth more than that. 2
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yeah... you need to 'fake it'. . you don't need to do anything that you don't want to do. you especially shouldn't do things you know you are not ready to do. Learn to listen to yourself, what do you want? You want to wait to have the talk? Get more time. You don't want to have the talk at all? Just don't have it. Think about what you want and how it's easier for you. Then, do you best to try and get it. 1
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yeah... you need to 'fake it'. As he begins his spiel, just yawn and say "oh not this old break up chestnut again! Okay, shove off, jerk. I knew this was coming, so take a hike and this time don't come back, ever. See? I'm not begging, I'm not crying - hell, I really don't give a rat's ass any more.... I'm used to it. Only this time, the dynamics are different. I can't wait to see the back of you, and the next time I see you will be too soon. So 'wave bye-bye' because I can take it, and leave it too." You have to do this. You absolutely totally HAVE to, because otherwise you'll just be repeating the 'hello, I'm your friendly neighbourhood doormat' behaviour, and honestly, you need to be more dignified than that. Truly. You have to grow your proverbial pair and show him you're worth more than that. lol I have to admit that'd be funny as hell and a big ego boost for yourself. Then stand up and walk away. Keep us updated, I want to know how it turns out!! 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 you don't need to do anything that you don't want to do. you especially shouldn't do things you know you are not ready to do. Learn to listen to yourself, what do you want? You want to wait to have the talk? Get more time. You don't want to have the talk at all? Just don't have it. Think about what you want and how it's easier for you. Then, do you best to try and get it. She knows what she wants to do, but she's also afraid that she knows what will happen. It's called "Lather/Rinse/Repeat" It's become a cycle of dysfunctional behaviour and she's sick and tired of playing into it. That's why she's come here for support and advice.... 1
TopCat22 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Break the cycle, or you will be doomed to repeat it. He does this to you because you let him. Want him to change his behaviour? Then teach him he cannot treat you like this. If he doens't want to learn then it's no longer your problem. 1
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 She knows what she wants to do, but she's also afraid that she knows what will happen. It's called "Lather/Rinse/Repeat" It's become a cycle of dysfunctional behaviour and she's sick and tired of playing into it. That's why she's come here for support and advice.... It is fine to be afraid of what happens. And it is OK not to see the guy tonight, if she cannot take it. I know that if I don't get proper sleep, I am a wreck. I'd much rather confront a tough emotional situation when I am prepared - have had a lot of sleep, have put my thoughts in order, know, understand and am convinced about what needs to be done. I am just afraid that people might tell her "be strong". "do This", "Dump Him". Not how it works IRL. IRL, he is the stronger one, she is the weaker one. You don't just turn tables because someone tell you to. I am sure her friends do this all day long. It's not about doing, here. The way I've understood her thread, she seems exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster she's been. It is fine to take time off to think, instead of reacting to a situation. Obviously, she should say "F*ck the hell off, arsehole". But it's easy for me to say, I'm not in her shoes, I'm not inlove, I don't know what she went through. I think it's easier for someone at peace with themselves to sort things out. just my 2 cents, anyway. 2
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 "F*ck the hell off, arsehole" mmh that looks like something I could text 1
Author kar Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 You guys are great thanks to all of you! I made plans for yesterday night so I would be with strong friends when the text showed up-which it did. This time I simply told him I don't want to talk you'll never change..and what do you know.an hour later I started receiving novel length texts FROM HIM begging to talk to me one saying he even stopped over at my place -thank goodness I wasn't home. I think it really threw him off that I didn't want to talk and wasn't just sitting home waiting for him. So thank you guys all for the advice it really was great to get advice from the outside! 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Yeah... whaddya know - ?!? Tell me how great it feels to have the boot on the other foot....! Okay, that's phase one. Now read my No Contact Guide (updated 2013) link in first post I made, I think.... You've regained your power, as we say.... you have the upper hand. "He who cares the least controls the most". Of course, the word 'he' is generic..... it applies to either gender, it's just poetic..... Work on caring less. Well done you!!!
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