thefooloftheyear Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I dont want to oversimplify this and I do not know the OP and his motivations for what he does... Just as an observaton. The wife seems like a good woman. The problem is that since the affair happened you now have awakened the sexual part of your personality and realize that your current wife will never give that to you in the way you desire. If you really search inside, is it just all about the sex? Then the million dollar question is how do you satisfy that need, without blowing up your whole life and discarding an obviously good woman? Its a real tough thing.... Dont get me wrong here, I am not making any judgements, just an observation. TFOY. 1
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 The question really is.....is it wrong to leave my marriage? My answer...yes. Is it wrong to DESIRE to leave your marriage? The answer is no. But then the question is....why? And the answer will help you decide what can be done. I am nearing fifty also, so I kinda have an idea of what you feel. My guess is that the excitement of the affair still lingers within you and your wife will never match up to that...unless you decide to rebuild your marriage. Your current attitude is...HOW can I leave my marriage? And I say that if you want to do so, then it is easy. But remember that you also leave your family. Your kids may be out, but they still are your children. And splitting will cause them to take sides. No, she is not having an affair. I've never in 25 years have any reason to doubt her, and I do very rarely check the phone or email. And thanks, but I have been trying to revitalize my marriage for a decade through any means possible-travel (doesn't do much), nights out (she'd rather watch TV), I have even tried candles, oil, music and massage, with little results. You have nothing in common with your wife because you lead separate lives. If you truly wanted to be close to her, then you would find a way and not wait for her to make the move. Something struck me as I read how your wife doesn't want to change HER job and lifestyle. Could it be that SHE is in an affair? Imagine if she was and you were then alone. Imagine if you could see her with her soul mate laughing and sharing her emotions. Imagine as they cuddled their bodies together and touched each other eagerly giving the other enjoyment. Imagine how you would feel if she were in an affair. Women are smart. You may never have told her of your affair, but she could have easily sensed something was wrong. And this lack of connection with you may have caused her to choose an affair when the opportunity was there. Just because you don't see your wife as attractive and exciting does not mean another man doesn't. If I were you, then I would first decide how I could revitalize my marriage before thinking about how I could leave it. Just a thought. She is not having an affair. She has a very low sex drive, or maybe average for a middle aged person married 25 years. And I have tried travel (doesnt' do much), nights out (she'd rather watch TV), I have even tried oil, candles, music, massage with very little results. I have been trying to revitalize my marriage for years, if not a decade.
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Hi Nooneyouknow, We here at LS know exactly who you are...You are unfortunately another wayward spouse. Just because you have not shared your actually name, does not mean that we have not been properly introduced. You do not realize how very fortunate you are; because of your Good, Loyal and Loving wife. The real truth is that you do not know us, the betrayed spouse, because you have avoiding telling your wife the truth. Please do get some professional help to learn to think beyond your own wrapped personally happiness, and acknowledge marriage is a shared union and you have absolutely no right to make unilateral decisions concerning it's future. God bless your wife and children. ~Mystery Bah humbug. There is no god(s), and marriage is a legal contract. There is one life, and people should live free and happy.
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 I dont want to oversimplify this and I do not know the OP and his motivations for what he does... Just as an observaton. The wife seems like a good woman. The problem is that since the affair happened you now have awakened the sexual part of your personality and realize that your current wife will never give that to you in the way you desire. If you really search inside, is it just all about the sex? Then the million dollar question is how do you satisfy that need, without blowing up your whole life and discarding an obviously good woman? Its a real tough thing.... Dont get me wrong here, I am not making any judgements, just an observation. TFOY. EXACTLY, finally someone who understands and is not all moralistic and "you should live like a monk because your wife is a good person". You may call yourself a fool, but you realize that this is the type of behavior so many men go through-where to drop a load? The rest of these posters, they live in some fantasy land where everything is about commitment and love and the individual be damned.
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 What do you see yourself doing with this new found freedom that compares favorably with your current hearth, home and family? Wild and crazy sex? World travel? Finally run that marathon? I think you're projecting dissatisfaction with the normal life inventory we all do in middle age onto your marriage. And it strikes me as slight chicken sh*t to blame someone else for our own deviances from life's ideal plan. I'd start with an honest and fearless assessment of my role in the marriage. And then I'd be very careful what I wished for - it might come true ... Mr. Lucky Great question. How about just live a simple life in a warm climate and hope for a relationship with a woman who combines a passion for life and shared activities (the OW), with my spouse's sense of decency, compassion and love? People love to get on my ass here, but all I'm looking for is a good, sane woman with some fire in her soul who wants to do things together.
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Hi Nooneyouknow, We here at LS know exactly who you are...You are unfortunately another wayward spouse. Just because you have not shared your actually name, does not mean that we have not been properly introduced. You do not realize how very fortunate you are; because of your Good, Loyal and Loving wife. The real truth is that you do not know us, the betrayed spouse, because you have avoiding telling your wife the truth. Please do get some professional help to learn to think beyond your own wrapped personally happiness, and acknowledge marriage is a shared union and you have absolutely no right to make unilateral decisions concerning it's future. God bless your wife and children. ~Mystery Now, after 18 months, I realize that this is lonely hearts BB. OMG, no wonder all the women hate me here!
coffeebean201 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 maybe consider living apart without formal separation/divorce. See if that feels right. You keep backpedalling at the sight of tears. And you mentioned needing a stable OW to actually go through with a full divorce. Why not try a living separation, and see if your life re-boots itself. ....people make really odd comments when you go through a divorce....... you have to just not let it bother you too much. 1
Mint Sauce Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 People love to get on my ass here, but all I'm looking for is a good, sane woman with some fire in her soul who wants to do things together. Of course you are, we all are. The catch is that after you divorce your wife, she'll find someone new, and with him she'll be everything you wanted her to be with you. Because it's not about her, it's about the dynamic between the two of you. Unless you made a very poor choice at the moment you married her, ignoring clear incompatibilities. The question is whether you can restore/find a dynamic which awakens her. Sometimes a relationship is beyond repair, but the commitment you refer to so often implies that you exhaust every means of repairing your marriage. The fact that she's such a good, loving, loyal woman hopefully makes this worthwhile. In the end, you may not develop a sex life with her that can compete with what you experienced with OW, but OW had other "drawbacks". The question is whether the total package will satisfy you, physically, intellectually, and emotionally when you restore some sex life, and find some common things to do. I believe that you can't predict that unless you try, with commitment. Give the 2 of you half a year, where you stop doubting. You postpone any decision, and in the mean time, give it all you got to find your wife again. 3
JamesM Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 So...did you come here to get answers that affirmed what you want to do or did you com here to get honest answers that may help your current situation? I know what it is to live in a less than happy marriage, and I know what it is to almost single-handedly bring that marriage about to a much happier marriage. My comments are not a pie in the sky answer but what has worked for me. However, if you have such anger regarding your "good spouse" and marriage, then I can only suggest that you leave you marriage to find another life. Having felt trapped at one point, I can relate to your feelings. Now that I feel grateful for my spouse, I can see where your life can be so much better with who you have. Good luck in whatever you decide. 3
JamesM Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 From almost a year ago...... Here's a happy ending for you all-The GF cannot do a relationship. She has this BPD, and is not in therapy for it, and even worse, is drinking. She is just no someone I can be involved with, no matter how compatible we may have seemed at one time. I have asked her to stay in therapy, or restart therapy, and she has refused. My wife was very upset that I wanted to leave. She cried and said she did not want to lose me. She has made a renewed effort at saving the marriage and paying some attention to me. To be honest, any lack of intimacy was probably 50% my fault. So now the wife and I are on much better terms. She wants to save the marriage, and we are going to the gym together and we are both making more effort. I am honestly happy to be with a woman i know and trust and love for who she is. And this...... Lesson learned. The affair taught me to value my spouse very much. Whatever her faults are as far as intimacy, hygiene, making herself appealing, putting an effort in-they pale in comparison to dealing with a deranged psycho, which the OW is. My spouse is good, loyal and loving. She understands respect, boundaries, and commitments. To this..... People love to get on my ass here, but all I'm looking for is a good, sane woman with some fire in her soul who wants to do things together. What I don't understand is why you want to leave? Is it all about sex? As one who lived a sexless marriage for many years, I understand the frustration, but it sounds like your wife tries to be intimate with you. The big question is.... If another woman came along who was very sexual with you but not as caring and understanding, which would you choose? What do you value you more? Are you only staying because you do not want to hurt your wife? If she became a sexually exciting woman tomorrow, would you want to stay? 2
Gibson_Girl Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 What good can be gleaned from telling the BS about the A? IMHO, I find it hard to imagine anything good can come of it. Telling on oneself is a way to purge your own conscience and feeling the sense of "coming clean". Meanwhile, the heart of the BS is broken and their life is now in turmoil. My response is based on the assumption the BS is oblivious to the A. I believe the WS, should they desire reconciliation or not, move ahead with counseling and vent to a paid professional who has no emotional stock in you. Purge your conscience on someone who doesn't stand the likelihood of being destroyed by hearing about the secret life. Again, my opinion. 1
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 From almost a year ago...... And this...... To this..... What I don't understand is why you want to leave? Is it all about sex? As one who lived a sexless marriage for many years, I understand the frustration, but it sounds like your wife tries to be intimate with you. The big question is.... If another woman came along who was very sexual with you but not as caring and understanding, which would you choose? What do you value you more? Are you only staying because you do not want to hurt your wife? If she became a sexually exciting woman tomorrow, would you want to stay? Yes, maybe I'm shallow, but it is mostly about sex. I feel that when we lost the sex, we lost so much else. But it is not all about sex. We do almost nothing together. I don't remember the last time we went to the movies together, must be years. I went a few times with the OW. My spouse is often tired at night or wants to watch TV, and does the stereotypical thing of falling asleep on the couch. I need more! More sex, more attention, more shared activities.
JamesM Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 Yes, maybe I'm shallow, but it is mostly about sex. I feel that when we lost the sex, we lost so much else. But it is not all about sex. We do almost nothing together. I don't remember the last time we went to the movies together, must be years. I went a few times with the OW. My spouse is often tired at night or wants to watch TV, and does the stereotypical thing of falling asleep on the couch. I need more! More sex, more attention, more shared activities. Have you tried to get her to date you again? Have you truly made time for the two of you to be alone? Have you tried courting her again as when the two of you were dating? Yes, this works...at least it did for me. Now we have sex once a week...and it is GOOD sex unlike what we have had for many years. Don't leave something that is a little less than good before you know if it can be completely fixed. If I had done what I felt like doing a few years even months ago, then I would have missed out on what is developing into a great marriage. 1
waterwoman Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 She sounds exhausted, demoralised and possibly menopausal. And I note that she is still so working while you are retired. Could she not also retire? She isn't keen on sport? Suggest something different. I keep quite fit but haven't set foot in a gym for years- can't stand the place! Or ask her to suggest something new. Feel so sorry for her. Sounds like she can't do anything right 1
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 She sounds exhausted, demoralised and possibly menopausal. And I note that she is still so working while you are retired. Could she not also retire? She isn't keen on sport? Suggest something different. I keep quite fit but haven't set foot in a gym for years- can't stand the place! Or ask her to suggest something new. Feel so sorry for her. Sounds like she can't do anything right I guess she is "menopausal" because of the hysterectomy ten years ago. Or maybe she is not menopausal because of the hysterectomy. But anyway, no, she plays no sports, never did. Here's something from reddit.com that I found interesting: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/office-diaries/201203/sexless-marriage-is-surprisingly-common What's really shocking, at least to me, is that this figure is AFTER accounting for the high divorce rate. In broader terms, it is estimated that anywhere between fifteen and twenty percent of marriages are sexless. That's after over fifty percent of them fail and end in divorce, which doesn't count the amount of people who stay in their marriages miserable and imprisoned, lonely and longing for real love, and the opportunity to express that love through sexual intimacy. A sexless marriage is defined as 10 or less times a year, which is a little less than once a month. I hate to use Dr Phil as a source, but I will since his figures are consistent with what I've been finding elsewhere: Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Sexless Statistics 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today I started to wonder where this divergence comes from, but then I remembered a recent article about how so many women are on SSRIs these days, which can lead to PSSD. Factor in how much the feminization of men and lack of male role models plays into this by making pussified beta men who don't make women attracted and I can see where this is coming from pretty clearly.
Author nooneyouknow Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 She sounds exhausted, demoralised and possibly menopausal. And I note that she is still so working while you are retired. Could she not also retire? She isn't keen on sport? Suggest something different. I keep quite fit but haven't set foot in a gym for years- can't stand the place! Or ask her to suggest something new. Feel so sorry for her. Sounds like she can't do anything right She can retire in a few years. She did not start to work full time until I retired five years ago. Prior to that she worked half time. I was lucky enough to be able to retire at 48 and receive a decent pension immediately.
JamesM Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I am just a little younger, and we fit the statistics you mentioned...less than ten times a year. Actually it was between two and five times a year. My wife did not know why either. She said it was her. Long story short..we have had sex ten times in the last three months. And almost every time was enjoyable for both. Actually all were, but the more we have done it, the more she is letting go and really enjoying it...including having orgasms which hasn't happened in a few years. While I am sure that some of ours was/is related to reasons such as meds, pain, and hot flashes, I am convinced that much of it was due to a distance that had grown between us...and yes, unbeknownst to both of us. Don't rule out how both of you need to rebuild your marriage. It is entirely possible that this alone will reignite your sex life. It did mine. 1
K Os Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Now, after 18 months, I realize that this is lonely hearts BB. OMG, no wonder all the women hate me here! How charming Not exactly the lonely hearts BB, but in large part the broken and healing hearts BB. There's a difference if you want to see it. And if you look a bit further you'll see it isn't only women who suffer. The 'wayward' ones do post on here quite a bit too, also looking for advice in emotionally difficult circumstances. But more often I think they tend to have their hands full elsewhere. If you catch my drift. Just saying. 1
Cali408 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Winter can bring on the why do I live here question? That's why I moved. A couple of things. Why don't you go on vacation for awhile? You receive a decent pension, drive to FL or AZ and rent a furnished condo for a month or two. Enjoy the nice weather and the time apart. Invite your wife to come down for a week or 2 and spend TIME with her. I know it's probably 50% her fault, but are you making any effort? Not spur of the moment stuff, tell her you want to go to the movies on an off night. You need to really crank up the effort for your own self. Also, are you in NC w/ your ex. No peaking otherwise you won't get over it. 1
Author nooneyouknow Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 maybe consider living apart without formal separation/divorce. See if that feels right. You keep backpedalling at the sight of tears. And you mentioned needing a stable OW to actually go through with a full divorce. Why not try a living separation, and see if your life re-boots itself. ....people make really odd comments when you go through a divorce....... you have to just not let it bother you too much. Yes, I backpedal at the sight of tears. What can I do about that? Is that something I should try to correct?
Author nooneyouknow Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 She sounds exhausted, demoralised and possibly menopausal. And I note that she is still so working while you are retired. Could she not also retire? She isn't keen on sport? Suggest something different. I keep quite fit but haven't set foot in a gym for years- can't stand the place! Or ask her to suggest something new. Feel so sorry for her. Sounds like she can't do anything right Now you put me in the position of having to defend my spouse, LOL. I never said she cannot do anything right, far from that, I said she is a great mother, daughter, friend. She is also very dedicated to her profession. She does a lot of things very well, including just being nice to me as I go through all this turmoil and depression. It's just the husband/wife thing that seems to have fallen by the wayside. I'ts probably more my fault then hers.
ver13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Look at 50+yrs you don't need to ask anyone what you need to do. I read your post and IMO you have the answers already so why waste our time. Just look at the type of man that you have been over the life cycle of this relationship and ask yourself does your W deserve this? The whole thing with the GF and complaining about working at night etc...is played out if you want to go then go. The kids will get over it they are big enough, and you might be surprised when you see that life will go on with or without you in the picture. Your entire post has been about you and what you need have you ever thought, maybe they can see you for who you truly are. If they could see the things you have posted here about your relationship they would understand. You need to leave the nest and fly on your own so that you can grow up. I'm still trying to work out why you haven't left since the GF baled on you. What are you waiting for? Why does it matter if you are homeless with no one who gives a Shyte about you? I mean then you don't have to worry about your W hygiene issues etc... you can be free to be whatever your 50yr old self wants to be... If you need someone to talk with to assist you over a relationship issue there are a lot of good folks here that can do that. But if you just came here to justify your cheating and to slam your W well please think twice about what you have asked us to do for you.
Author nooneyouknow Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Look at 50+yrs you don't need to ask anyone what you need to do. I read your post and IMO you have the answers already so why waste our time. Just look at the type of man that you have been over the life cycle of this relationship and ask yourself does your W deserve this? The whole thing with the GF and complaining about working at night etc...is played out if you want to go then go. The kids will get over it they are big enough, and you might be surprised when you see that life will go on with or without you in the picture. Your entire post has been about you and what you need have you ever thought, maybe they can see you for who you truly are. If they could see the things you have posted here about your relationship they would understand. You need to leave the nest and fly on your own so that you can grow up. I'm still trying to work out why you haven't left since the GF baled on you. What are you waiting for? Why does it matter if you are homeless with no one who gives a Shyte about you? I mean then you don't have to worry about your W hygiene issues etc... you can be free to be whatever your 50yr old self wants to be... If you need someone to talk with to assist you over a relationship issue there are a lot of good folks here that can do that. But if you just came here to justify your cheating and to slam your W well please think twice about what you have asked us to do for you. I never came here to justify my cheating, and I certainly did not come here to slam my W. The reasons I have stayed this long are the fear of the move, and a family obligation I had as far as a vacation. Now that all my loose end are tied up here, I'll be going. And why would I ever be homeless???
Author nooneyouknow Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I never came here to justify my cheating, and I certainly did not come here to slam my W. The reasons I have stayed this long are the fear of the move, and a family obligation I had as far as a vacation. Now that all my loose end are tied up here, I'll be going. And why would I ever be homeless??? Anyone who has followed along can see that far from slamming my W, it actually took me about 18 months to even discuss her shortcomings.
JourneyLady Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 That if you're the bad spouse and the good spouse leaves you, you will regret that too! Even if you have changed, you probably won't get that 2nd chance - and the chances of finding another good spouse are not very good.
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