lourdes_bern Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi all, My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We've been in and out of contact for a number of reasons - we'd been living together, and I went to stay with friends almost immediately, but I didn't find a place of my own until very recently, so I had to get my stuff back; we hooked up because we were lonely; we miss our friendship. I also live 5 minutes away, and while we live in a big city and have different working hours, we do tend to run into each other occasionally. Last night we ended up meeting and having a long chat. We both agreed that the relationship we'd had was co-dependent and unhealthy, and neither of us wants to go back to it. I'd been dependent on him for emotional stability and he had been dependent on me for company. He also said that he had never seen himself marrying me and didn't want to drag on the relationship because of that. I hadn't necessarily seen myself marrying him, but I had made a choice to work on the relationship and commit to it, which I'd never done for anyone else; it was the first time I'd truly let my guard down. I understand his reasoning for breaking up (and we were codependent, which was very unhealthy), but I was still devastated after the BU. We also agreed to completely stop hooking up (having sex) with each other as this is also unhealthy. He then said that he missed me and that I was his best friend, and asked if we could be friends now. I do miss his company and felt fine talking to him, so I said yes, as long as we met at a public place. (If we end up inside each other's apartments, we would probably hook up and we both know this). I didn't plan on talking to him every day or hanging out with him frequently, but I thought it would be nice to keep in touch and meet for coffee sometimes. He then mentioned that my close girl friend, who I'd stayed with after the BU, had drunkenly proposed the following a month ago: that he (my ex) and she (my friend) platonically go out for drinks on Valentine's Day if neither of them had plans. We're all adults, we were all friends, and I trust that they have a completely platonic relationship; I know they go out for drinks regularly. However, I immediately felt hurt and angry, as Valentine's Day is obviously a charged day, and anywhere they went they'd be treated as a couple. She's supposed to be one of my closest girl friends in the city and she's also single; apparently she hadn't wanted to do a "girls' night" with me because she would drink too much wine. My ex said she had said this all when she was drunk. He said that she hadn't even remembered it until he mentioned it to her again. However, he didn't seem too remorseful about the agreement; he seemed more sorry that he'd told me and caused a strain in the friendship. I know we're all adults, and that my friend and my ex are free to do what they want. However, I still feel betrayed, as if they're going behind my back - especially since I have no plans for V-Day! I feel like they're both betraying my trust and I can't believe that they didn't consider my feelings when they made this agreement. I know she was drunk and didn't remember, but I feel like he should have said no, especially given the implications of Valentine's Day. I'm not sure how I feel about continuing to stay in contact with the ex. I have no desire to get back together in a relationship, and I know I don't need him, but I miss his company and we'd had a really great friendship. We understand each other so well, and he's also one of the only people who's supported me in my career decision - my parents, that girl friend, and most of my other friends look down on me for not having a full time job / not attending graduate school yet. I can justify that decision on my own and don't need his support, but of course it's nice to not feel alone with it. However, part of me thinks that I deserve better treatment and that I shouldn't waste my time being friends with someone who a) broke my heart, even if it made us better people and b) doesn't see anything wrong with going out with my girl friend on V-day. Well, he does think it's weird to go out with her on that day, but he said he still might do it. Thank you for reading the long post. I would LOVE any advice you all have. Thanks!
Keenly Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I think this is one of those situations where you don't have the right to be mad . If.they are all friends then there is nothing you can do, it's not fair to expect everyone to just pick sides. Also, how can some one be codependant on some one for company ? Isn't that the entire.purpose of another person .
carhill Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Welcome to LS I'd just let things play out. People do what they do. If you don't wish to continue an intimate relationship with your ex/he with you, then establish no contact and heal your psyche and move on. Generally, half-measures rarely work long-term, so go whole-hog and erase him in the short-term. While what he does now is generally none of your business, the respect your close friends show to you is your business and worth assessing. Each person's perspective on 'loyalty' and 'respect' is different. Good luck.
Mr Scorpio Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If one of my friends had gone out for drinks with my ex, on Valentine's day, less than three months after the BU, I'd have a big problem with that. I would be more angry at the friend than the ex, though I'd consider it poor taste on both of their parts. 3
Author lourdes_bern Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 Hello all! Thanks to those who provided support. I may have done something very evil and I'm wondering what people's thoughts are. I was mad that my girl friend and ex had agreed to this arrangement (drinks on Valentine's Day), but I haven't thought about it in a few days. Today my girl friend and I were chatting, and I asked her what she was doing on Valentine's - partly out of curiosity to see if she'd say anything. She was vague, saying that she was just going to treat it like a normal day and wasn't really planning to go out. I suggested hanging out indoors together, which I would have done with or without the knowledge that they were planning to hang out. After some discussion, she agreed that we should make plans. Shortly after, my ex texted me "Nice move." He and I ended contact on fairly good terms, but now I'm afraid he's going to think I'm a manipulative b****, which is never an impression I want to leave someone with. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I feel guilty and sad. What should I do? Should I apologize for ruining his plans? We've been in NC for about 2 days when I finally put my foot down and said that I'd had enough of being jerked around while he "figures out what kind of relationship he wants with me, if at all." He dumped me 2 months ago and we had light contact since then (with periods of NC that we both broke various times).
Mr Scorpio Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I do not think that you should apologize for ruining his plans. He should respect the fact that you could be hurt by the two of them having drinks on Valentine's day. As for what you should do? I cannot say. However, I know what I likely would do. Depending on the nature of their relationship -- how long ago they met, how long they knew each other before the two of you started dating, how close they were before the two of you started dating -- and how close you are to your girlfriend, I would stay clear of both of them. If they start dating it is obviously going to hurt you a great deal. Watching it happen before your eyes by staying involved with either of them will only make it worse. Friendship be damned when it comes to love. As they say, "all is fair". I've seen it. I've lived it.
Author lourdes_bern Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I do not think that you should apologize for ruining his plans. He should respect the fact that you could be hurt by the two of them having drinks on Valentine's day. As for what you should do? I cannot say. However, I know what I likely would do. Depending on the nature of their relationship -- how long ago they met, how long they knew each other before the two of you started dating, how close they were before the two of you started dating -- and how close you are to your girlfriend, I would stay clear of both of them. If they start dating it is obviously going to hurt you a great deal. Watching it happen before your eyes by staying involved with either of them will only make it worse. Friendship be damned when it comes to love. As they say, "all is fair". I've seen it. I've lived it. Thank you for your eloquent response. I don't believe there is anything romantic between them - he told me himself that their conversations are stilted. However, I do plan to steer clear of both of them. She was my college roommate and close friend, and they met at the same time he and I met (the same party). He asked me out shortly after the party happened, so their friendship was through me first and then developed more after we broke up. Since I already made plans with her for Valentine's Day, I'm going to follow through with them, but after that I plan to be a little more distant regarding my emotions. I think this is a wise plan.
Amelia81 Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 Sorry but i think there are major warning bells here and you are being far too nice and understanding to both your ex and friend. Valentines is weeks away, why choose that date specifically when there are so many others in between? I've been here on two occasions with 'friends' before. A true friend just wouldnt do that to you out of love and respect. It is one of the most hurtful things i think a friend can do and one of the most painful things you can watch happen. If it ever happened to me again, i would do the following. NC with ex whatsoever. Remove from fbook etc. you need to confront your friend and find out exactly what is going on from her side. You then have to decide if you trust her. If it was truly innocent why hasnt she told you? Because she knows its wrong.
Author lourdes_bern Posted January 26, 2013 Author Posted January 26, 2013 Thanks for the response! I am in total NC with my ex now and it feels great. As for my friend, I do believe she didn't remember - she never controls herself when drunk - but I also agree that the fact that she said it is very suspicious. I don't want to confront her about because I'm not supposed to know (and she didn't remember saying it), but I definitely plan to keep my distance from her after Valentine's Day, especially with regard to anything involving boys/dating.
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 There are rules about being a good friend. You don't go near your mate's ex is a fundamental one, unless it's long after the event and everyone is genuinely healed. And even if you are mutual friends, then you don't ask them to take you out on valentine's day. It is hard to ascribe a single innocent motive to that. The very best is that she forgot all about you and him in a drunken fog about not having plans for that evening. I think I'd have to ask her about it. She clearly got in touch with him as soon as you proposed hanging out on v day, as otherwise he wouldn't have sent the "nice move" text so quickly. Hopefully she just didn't think and will be remorseful and agree that it was unintentional but out of order. If not, I think a spell of LC with her is in order! 1
Survivor12 Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Thanks for the response! I am in total NC with my ex now and it feels great. As for my friend, I do believe she didn't remember - she never controls herself when drunk - but I also agree that the fact that she said it is very suspicious. I don't want to confront her about because I'm not supposed to know (and she didn't remember saying it), but I definitely plan to keep my distance from her after Valentine's Day, especially with regard to anything involving boys/dating. If she didn't remember, how would your ex have found out so quickly about her changing her plans to hang out with you instead? I agree with Amelia. Why would they be making plans for Valentines Day so far in advance? You say that you and your friend would have made plans anyway, but if that were the case, why would she make plans to be with him? You do not owe either of them an apology for being manipulative (and, frankly, a bit vindictive), and before you allow yourself to feel too guilty, you may want to see how things play out. If there is something going on between them (even if it's just one-sided or intended to make you jealous), she may well have accepted your invitation because she had to in order to "hide" it.(I mean, what would you have thought if she'd turned you down?) If I were you, I would be very careful about what you say to your "friend" because it is very likely that he's going to hear whatever it is. Keep your eyes and ears open and watch your back. 1
Author lourdes_bern Posted January 28, 2013 Author Posted January 28, 2013 I can't tell if it was my ex or my friend who brought up Valentine's Day plans when she made plans with me. But I think everyone's right. I'm now at a point of NC with the ex, so this might be a better topic for the Friendship forum. The more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I get with the fact that she's been telling him things about me ever since our breakup, and vice versa. I think it's actually totally disrespectful to both me and my ex. I know he asked her how I was right after we broke up because I was staying at her place, but that was 2 months ago and that type of interaction should have expired long ago. I am also uncomfortable with the fact that she has been inviting him out with some of our (her and my) friends, as these friends are people that my ex never liked/got along with, and they also didn't like him. I don't know whether I should confront her about the fact that she proposed hanging out with him, and the fact that she relays my information back to him sometimes. I don't want to go around accusing her of anything and causing a drama storm. That's not my personality. I might just do LC with her and let it fade to NC. (One of my other friends - a guy friend who went through a similar situation with her - suggested this). At the same time, I don't want to be a pushover and just let her continue with this behavior without speaking up. I know it's my decision ultimately, but I would like to hear everyone's thoughts.
Author lourdes_bern Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) This weekend my girl friend asked me to go to dinner with some of our other friends. I didn't go due to conflicting plans. After she found out I couldn't go, she invited my ex. These friends are not my ex's and my mutual friends - my ex didn't get along with them when we were dating. He met them through me. These are people I worked to rebuild connections with, especially after the breakup. They'd have no reason to hang out with him (in fact, some of them didn't like him!) I talked to my girl friend about this; I told her that I was not trying to control anyone's decisions, but that I did not feel comfortable with her trying to integrate my social circle with my ex. She said that hadn't been her intent and that it was "just dinner" and that my ex, and these friends, happened to be free at the same time. I told her I really wanted a social circle where I felt safe and comfortable and free from any breakup thoughts, and that her inviting my ex to things with this group was - however well-intentioned - connecting him back to my life. She said that she couldn't guarantee 100% that overlap wouldn't occur, but that she'd try to avoid it. She then tested me by asking how I felt about other mutual friends of ours reaching out to my ex, as some have already done so. I told her I had no problem with that, and I also had no problem with her hanging out with my ex. I'm not trying to control anyone's decisions. I just wanted to make her aware of how sensitive the situation was, as she is the primary cause of these people connecting now. I also want her to respect my feelings on the breakup! I think part of it is that my ex is more okay with being in contact as I used to be his primary emotional support. My friend knows this since they are now buddies, or whatever. He got upset when I defriended him on Facebook and told her about it. But I know that him relying on her is not healthy either - he needs to learn how to be on his own! She's enabling him to not do that, either. I'm really, really frustrated. I plan to keep my distance from her. I just want to ask you guys if I'm crazy or sound too controlling, or if I sounded reasonable when explaining the situation to my friend. Other friends - separate from this - have agreed that what she is doing is "not cool." Thanks! Edited January 29, 2013 by lourdes_bern grammar!
cavalier99 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 (edited) She doesn't sound like much of a true friend. Cut her lose just like you did your ex. Let them have each other. Id be pissed. F*ck her. This is affecting your healing. Id get rid of her as a friend because she isnt. Edited January 29, 2013 by cavalier99 1
Own Worst Enemy Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 who makes plans for valentines day with a newly single guy, weeks in advance, and then immediately texts him when his ex asks her to do something else. and why does she need to keep dragging him into things? i wonder how she would feel if you and she swapped places, so that you were doing all this with HER ex. not good, i'm betting.
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