Sugarkane Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I've lost count in the breakup forums (myself included) people who were dumped for no reason and never heard from again. Do you ever wonder about us? No wonder so many people are commitment phobes, I can't blame them. Why is it too much to ask for to at least dump people nicely? But I guess it's easier to be a Ahole.
Mr_Flay Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No break-up is nice. They can't be by definition, except in those rare cases when it's mutual. Is it better to list someone's flaws and destroy their self-esteem, to patronise them by saying "It's not you, it's me!", or simply not say anything and disappear into the night? Hard to say. I guess you can say "there's no chemistry", "it's not going to work" etc., but in those cases you leave some toxic hope for the other person, who will think there's still a chance to fix things.
Irial Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 To the people who replied: sure no break up is nice, but there are different ways of conveying the message aside disappearing or the usual bull**** (it's not you it's me, etc). And that doesn't even mean that you must stay in touch afterwards, it might be a decent and respectful goodbye. The dumped person will still be heartbroken but will at least feel respected and not just tossed away like a used tissue. To the OP: I don't know why guys can be such *******s sometimes. I am pretty sure girls do the same too, though. Either way, I think they just don't want to take responsibility and deal with the pain they cause so they'd rather disappear than properly saying goodbye.
Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Well, they are obviously not that into you. They may really like you, but not love. Most guys who are totally crazy about a girl, or in love with a girl, cannot just up and leave for no apparant reason.
MrCastle Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Really depends on the reason for the breakup. I know with me, if you mess up majorly, I just cut off all contact immediately. I don't owe you anything. If it was something on my end, like I felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere or I felt she was getting too attached, or whatever the reason, I would have a conversation with her, completely honest with my feelings, so she gets closure. People who wrong me aren't worthy of closure. I owe them nothing. 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 This is more dependant on the person, not the gender. Just ask my ex how heartless a woman can be, LOL.
tigressA Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 It's not just men. I've been rather heartless myself in breaking up with former partners. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather have someone cut me off or be otherwise brusque rather than give me a whole explanation, particularly if it comes off as BS. My ex was so so very upset when breaking up with me he cried...total BS. If he were really that upset he wouldn't have done it. It was an act, totally fake and manipulative, and it just pissed me off. 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 We all can and probably have been mean in a breakup at some point. Such is life, right sweethearts?
Yamcha Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 The last girl I shot down, I gave the old standby of "We can still be friends." She was not pleased to say the least, from what I could tell. What I did was cowardly "Nice Guy" behavior (though many a "Nice Girl" has done it, as well). It was better than just disappearing. But it's FAR better to be honest and heartless. Because honestly, you don't have any "heart" for the person, so to speak.
soccerrprp Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hate to admit it, but was just let go from current gf. It was for the best and she did me a favor, but she was totally blunt with me, honest. I appreciate that. The break-up also revealed a nasty side of her that was unexpected considering the idea to take a break was hers. A couple of accusations here and there, baffling and bingo...so, nastiness comes from the ladies too.
Keenly Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 The last girl I shot down, I gave the old standby of "We can still be friends." She was not pleased to say the least, from what I could tell. What I did was cowardly "Nice Guy" behavior (though many a "Nice Girl" has done it, as well). It was better than just disappearing. But it's FAR better to be honest and heartless. Because honestly, you don't have any "heart" for the person, so to speak. Sooooo, what? How are you supposed to say no as a nice guy if saying no is somehow considered cowardly ? If the attraction aka chemistry is not there, its not there.
carhill Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Men can appear to be 'heartless' for a few reasons, the main one being socialization. Secondarily, he may have never invested emotionally into the relationship, keeping it at the 'thinking' level, hence he 'thinks' the exit rather than 'feeling' it. Lastly, life experience can teach a man that it works better in the long run to keep his mouth shut and his feelings to himself, regardless of socialization. That was a life lesson I had to learn. Get beat up enough and a commonality emerges and it isn't the other person. Mirror time. At the end of it, 'dumping someone nicely' is a difficult task for the healthiest of people. Inevitably, someone is going to feel hurt. My sympathies. 1
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Most of the time, with this type of break ups (first one of this type stings the most), what's most difficult to handle is the lack of closure. Not even the reason, but hearing the words from the other person makes them come to live and help one move on. Not saying anything leaves one hanging. IMHO, there are only 2 options: you either choose or not choose. No inbetween. By not contacting you, he is actively choosing to NOT be with you. That should be your closure. And ending a relationship this way says a lot more about him than a million words. And it reflects some of your own insecurities, for wanting to be with this guy. Is this how you want to be treated? Is this how you want to be loved and appreciated? I doubt it. Some people really need closure and will call, will text their SO... but in the end, it is obvious, little things scream louder than silence. Cry a little, let it out, go running or swimming, let some steam out and you'll feel better. It's important not to keep the anger in or become bitter. Totally not worth it. So take it day by day, and slightly, install and live by the NO CONTACT rule. Mark my words, if you stop all contact, aren't clingy and go on with your life, that SOB may be intrigued. He may want to see how you are, just like drivers who slow down to take a peak at the accidents on the left side of the road. Not because he wants you back, but because he is curious. Prepare for that moment. Be strong & don't give anyone the satisfaction to ruin your mood. Get movin', girl! Edited January 21, 2013 by candie13
TouchedByViolet Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 It's not gender related for sure. It is heartless because one party doesn't care about the relationship and what you had anymore. You may care about them, enjoy spending time with them, and see a future with them. But they simply don't care. The fact that all the positive things and hope you had for the relationship just went to nothing is heart wrenching.
FitChick Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No one is dumped for no reason. There is always a reason. Sadly, the dumper chooses not to disclose his reason. He should have discussed his unhappiness first so it could be addressed by the other party. I don't think women are as guilty of this. If anything, we tend to over communicate to the point of nagging, which isn't good either, because men tune out and then are surprised later when they are dumped. They didn't "hear" the woman amongst all her other chatter. 1
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No one is dumped for no reason. There is always a reason. Sure, but that reason may have nothing to do with you - most of the times, it doesn't, it's all in the other person's head, past or heart . I don't think women are as guilty of this. If anything, we tend to over communicate to the point of nagging, which isn't good either, because men tune out and then are surprised later when they are dumped. They didn't "hear" the woman amongst all her other chatter. Not all women are nagging. I just think that women make less radical steps. They will talk - no response. They will threat - no response. It is only by the time that they leave that men understand that there is problem - sadly, the girls have already "solved it" (it's how it was with my ex). We function differently, and it is a gift to understand how to properly communicate with the opposite sex. as for just disappearing - there is no excuse. It is childish, cruel, it shows lack of character, cowardice, insecurities... Oh well, at least they won't lie and they won't make one waste their time any longer. I think I pity those people more than the dumpees. They will always try to dazzle those around them, charm, promise, but in the end, when they have to deliver, keep running, always switch for something else, better, shinier, easier, more thrilling... must be terrible to be inside their heads, to know you actually aren't good enough and leave before the other person realizes it. The only good thing is that it hardly happens after a long time. Thanks Lord for small favors ! 1
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