ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 My ex and I have mutual friends that I cut out when I went NC. As one of my friends calls it they are collateral damage. Anyways, a close friend of the ex has tried to reach out to me a few times (we use to be close) but i completely ignored her in the past. Well today she reached out to me saying that her father had passed away. Obviously, I couldn't ignore this one so I gave her a call and checked if she was alright. I told her why I had to go NC with her and she understood. My question is did I make the right decision in contacting her? My friends tell me that having contact with mutual friends will impeded the healing process. Is this true? In the past I didn't really have a problem cutting these people out but now I kind of miss them. At the same time I don't really want to hang out with them or be in contact with them as they may inadvertently say something about my ex. Ignorance is bliss. How does everyone deal with mutual friends?
Simon Phoenix Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You have just as much of a right to those friends as your ex does. It just depends on how close you were to the friends and if they existed before the break. I mean, my ex is the sister-in-law of my best friend and I was friends with her sister (his wife) three years before I first met my ex and eight years before we went out. I'm definitely never getting rid of my best friend who I've known for 15 years because my relationship with his sister-in-law died, and my ex would never ask me to do so. In fact, she'd probably give him up if they weren't related by marriage. As for my ex's sister, I'd normally walk away from that, but her marriage to my friend doesn't allow me to do that without causing drama. I'm not going to make my friend collateral damage in my failed relationship in any way, shape or form.
Sugarkane Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 It depends are these people really worth it? I've rarely seen people mature enough not to take sides, even as grown adults. Are they going to shove your ex/ make you feel bad? I've rarely seen people not become two faced after a breakup.
Author ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I have a bad feeling that me meeting up with our mutual friend is going to come back and bite me in the butt. For some reason, I'm starting to think about her facial expressions and body language to get a feel for whats going on with my ex. I dont know if that makes sense. Prior to this I could have cared less what happened to her but now I find myself thinking about things which is a complete waste of time. I dont know...I go back and forth whether or not keep in contact since she probably now thinks its ok to keep in touch again. I just dont want to relapse.
na49 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 What do you mean "keep in contact"? You want to be friends with her?
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 DANGER DANGER. This will delay healing..ELIMINATE these mutual friends like you eliminated your EX. They no longer exist for the next 6 months. How do you feel right now after talking to her friend? I bet you feel worse. Enough said.
flitzanu Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 My ex and I have mutual friends that I cut out when I went NC. As one of my friends calls it they are collateral damage. Anyways, a close friend of the ex has tried to reach out to me a few times (we use to be close) but i completely ignored her in the past. Well today she reached out to me saying that her father had passed away. Obviously, I couldn't ignore this one so I gave her a call and checked if she was alright. I told her why I had to go NC with her and she understood. My question is did I make the right decision in contacting her? My friends tell me that having contact with mutual friends will impeded the healing process. Is this true? In the past I didn't really have a problem cutting these people out but now I kind of miss them. At the same time I don't really want to hang out with them or be in contact with them as they may inadvertently say something about my ex. Ignorance is bliss. How does everyone deal with mutual friends? there's no such thing as "mutual" friends. they're either their friends or your friends. i'm assuming this is one of THEIR friends and not YOUR friend. so yes, you did the right thing by cutting them out to help your healing. being involved in HER friends will only be awkward, it's easier to just avoid the drama. 2
Author ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 What do you mean "keep in contact"? You want to be friends with her? No, I don't want to be friends with her....at least not now. She was an awesome friend but my sanity trumps all. So no friendship for the immediate future. I'm afraid that now that I actually reached out to her she may think that its a green light to be friends. I feel really bad when i have to ignore them when they try to reach out to me. I dont want to be a prick but I dont want to impede my progress as well. 3
Author ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 DANGER DANGER. This will delay healing..ELIMINATE these mutual friends like you eliminated your EX. They no longer exist for the next 6 months. How do you feel right now after talking to her friend? I bet you feel worse. Enough said. Aint that truth! Yup I feel worse. Yesterday I was ok when we met and talked. She didnt mention anything about my ex but I know they have been in contact. When she asked me how I felt and I told her I was fine and we spoke about it a little. While we were talking I found myself trying to read her facial expression and body language trying to gauge whether my ex missed me or not. Today i'm still trying to analyze this which sucks! Prior to yesterday I could have cared less...now Im thinking about it and wasting away my day. WTF! I knew it was a bad idea to meet her. Another damn setback...this is getting ridiculous.
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I made the mistake of sending a happy b-day text to friend of my ex who was really cool a while back. She responded a day later politely...thank god or it would have been even more humiliating. The whole thing gave me massive heartburn and make me feel sick for like 3 days.
na49 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No, I don't want to be friends with her....at least not now. She was an awesome friend but my sanity trumps all. So no friendship for the immediate future. I'm afraid that now that I actually reached out to her she may think that its a green light to be friends. I feel really bad when i have to ignore them when they try to reach out to me. I dont want to be a prick but I dont want to impede my progress as well. You've got the right attitude. It doesn't matter how great she was. The only thing that matters is right now and the future. She won't be a part of it if you don't want to go crazy. Don't worry about looking like a prick, her and anyone else you ignore will get over it.
Chi townD Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 First, it was a good thing that you talked with the mutual friend. It was a very mature thing to do. Convey your condoliences. I really don't think that this friend is interested in your love life right now, I think that she has other pressing matters that are plaguing her at the moment. Just be supportive and when you think that she's over the worst of it you start backing off. I just feel like she was reaching out to you because she needed a friend at this very tramatic moment in her life. Nothing more than that.
Author ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 First, it was a good thing that you talked with the mutual friend. It was a very mature thing to do. Convey your condoliences. I really don't think that this friend is interested in your love life right now, I think that she has other pressing matters that are plaguing her at the moment. Just be supportive and when you think that she's over the worst of it you start backing off. I just feel like she was reaching out to you because she needed a friend at this very tramatic moment in her life. Nothing more than that. I agree, I dont think my mutual friend is interested in my love life. At the same time she is still an extension of my ex. Talking to her and being her friend will 1, put the temptation to ask about my ex back into the equation and 2, slow my healing process. I guess the bottom line comes down to two choices. A, be there for my friend and slow my healing process or B, Continue to cut ties and come out like a prick (or selfish) in the end. Which of the two is the lesser of the two evils. Sigh....any suggestions?
Chi townD Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Okay, Yes, this friend is also a friend of your Ex. But, look at the big picture. She was and still is YOUR FRIEND! And your friend reached out to you because she was hurting. You have to put the Ex out of the equation and look at the girl in front of you that just lost her parent. She came to you for solace. Not to pry into your life, but to be a shoulder to cry on. So, if you ever interact with this mutual friend again, put your Ex out of your mind because this isn't about her, it's about being a strong man to lean against, a friend to confide in and if nothing else...just to hold her hand so she doesn't feel so hurt and alone. This isn't about you and your Ex. If she tries to bring her up, just tell her that, respectfully, you don't want to talk about her, but you are there for her whenever she's needs you. To be honest, this is what she's going to remember. That you were a good friend, a strong man and a senisitive guy and that put the bullsh*t aside and helped a friend that desperately needed it. She may tell your Ex that she was a dumbass for letting you go!.
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