Books

[Snowflower]

I am not a self-help book type of person even though I like to read. I haven't read any of the books in this thread except for Not Just Friends.

 

I don't know, for me reading self-help books is just like peeling the band-aid off slowly and I did try to read a few books along the way. For some reason, they made me feel worse.

 

My only suggestion:

Love and Respect by E. Eggerichs

 

It is a Christian-based book (and I am so not religious) so those of you reading here who are Christian might particularly find this book interesting.

 

I didn't agree with all that was written in the book but it had such a simple message that applied to what had happened in my marriage (even long ago, pre-affair), that I really took notice. The book described my marriage to a T.

 

It deals not only with affairs but also a whole host of other marital problems.

 

I tried one little suggestion that the book suggested. I figured it wouldn't work. But it did work on my H, almost instantly.

 

I haven't seen this book mentioned in this thread. Has anyone else read it?

[Act Two]

Yes, I read that book but I didn't want to bring it up for the following reasons.

 

1. as a former wayward I feel like a big fat hypocrite mentioning a Christian book

2. as a divorcing former wayward I can't say it worked!

 

However. It has a lot of principles in the book that made sense, but I struggled with. It somewhat complements the ideas in Divorce Busters that if you change things about yourself, you can end cycles of dysfunction in your marriage (only takes one person to change, and start with yourself). Love and Respect calls it the crazy cycle and how to end the crazy cycle.

 

The key principle in the book is that men need to feel respected by their wives, and wives need love (well both need both but in general, different applications of love and respect).

 

For me, I really struggled with respecting my husband prior to my infidelity. I didn't feel it after his dishonesty (well, in many aspects of life, not all) and so I struggled with making myself feel respect or giving him respect. Obviously infidelity was the ultimate disrespect.

 

I read the book after infidelity though but it was mostly too late.

[Snowflower]

Yes, I read that book but I didn't want to bring it up for the following reasons.

 

1. as a former wayward I feel like a big fat hypocrite mentioning a Christian book

2. as a divorcing former wayward I can't say it worked!

 

However. It has a lot of principles in the book that made sense, but I struggled with. It somewhat complements the ideas in Divorce Busters that if you change things about yourself, you can end cycles of dysfunction in your marriage (only takes one person to change, and start with yourself). Love and Respect calls it the crazy cycle and how to end the crazy cycle.

 

The key principle in the book is that men need to feel respected by their wives, and wives need love (well both need both but in general, different applications of love and respect).

 

For me, I really struggled with respecting my husband prior to my infidelity. I didn't feel it after his dishonesty (well, in many aspects of life, not all) and so I struggled with making myself feel respect or giving him respect. Obviously infidelity was the ultimate disrespect.

 

I read the book after infidelity though but it was mostly too late.

 

Thank you for sharing this. You described the premise of the book well. The concepts are very easy to understand but difficult to always apply.

 

If you had read the book prior to your infidelity, do you think it would have made a difference?

[Spark1111]

I think there is a lot of valuable information on religious based sites because those who are devout are expected to revere their marriage and hold it sacred.

 

Yet any clergyman in the real world has to have a library of help at his disposal.

 

So whether you are religious or not, I found a lot of useful info on some of those sites.

 

And yes, even psychologists today say men need respect, appreciation and sex, almost more than love, and women need appreciation, affection and respect.

[BetrayedH]

Francesco Alberoni's books, especially Falling in Love and Loving

 

This book is not solely about EMRs but about love in general and brings up what happens when you fall in love while already in a relationship.

 

The entire book can be found online here:

http://www.alberoni.it/pdf/Falling-in-love-and-loving.pdf

 

Thank you.

[Act Two]

 

If you had read the book prior to your infidelity, do you think it would have made a difference?

 

I'm not sure- it's a good question though. I'm still doing an internal autopsy of the marriage and what I did wrong so it's something to think about. I definitely wish I had gotten a handle on respecting him.

[Snowflower]

I'm not sure- it's a good question though. I'm still doing an internal autopsy of the marriage and what I did wrong so it's something to think about. I definitely wish I had gotten a handle on respecting him.

 

Again, thank you for your honesty. How long have you been divorced from your H?

 

I think you said you had children together? It isn't too late to respect him--especially if he is still in your life peripherally because of your children.

 

It sure is hard to figure out the respect part though and it was one of the limitations of the book in that it didn't give a lot examples or suggestions to wives, other than that we should respect our husbands.

[AbeNormal]

Thanks for all this detail. I think you and I both read like crazy after Dday. Sadly, by the time I got around to asking my wife for the affair books in the divorce, she had already donated them. Lord knows she had nothing left to learn from them.

 

If the books you are referring to were "how to books" then perhaps you are right. Otherwise (and I know...), while she had a great deal to learn from them, she simply couldn't face/acknowledge that and had to dispense with them as quickly as possible - out of sight, out of mind. How sad. And I sincerely hope you know that I sympathize greatly and am not taking things you say lightly.

 

But to the point - the reason I logged in - is to say thank you BetrayedH for starting this thread. Personally, I am paying close attention and appreciate everyone's suggestions (to add to my collection/reading/understanding - but can't help but wish my collection was comprised of works of fiction...).

 

Thanks again to all. Very useful thread.

Edited January 23, 2013 by AbeNormal

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure- it's a good question though. I'm still doing an internal autopsy of the marriage and what I did wrong so it's something to think about. I definitely wish I had gotten a handle on respecting him.

 

You know, one thing I notice in most of the wayward threads is at some point during the opening post, there something like, "and then I really began to get resentful..." I think it's consistent in a lot of affairs for the wayward partner to have developed resentment and for it to have gone too long without being resolved. I think "unresolved resentment" is a huge contributor in many affairs. In some cases, the wayward made efforts that weren't satisfactorily acknowledged and in others, the wayward was too conflict-avoidant to really address it.

 

I don't know your situation well enough to surmise about it but I just wanted to note that your "lack of respect" for your husband seemed to be pretty parralel to my concept of "unresolved resentment." For what it's worth, I respect that you're introspective about it still. I think we have to analyze these things or we are destined to repeat behaviors (like conflict-avoidance) again in future relationships. My GF and I have an agreement that anytime we get even so much as uncomfortable about something (especially if it may be a difficult subject to discuss), that means we HAVE to discuss it. We've learned to never allow resentment to fester.

[Act Two]

You know, one thing I notice in most of the wayward threads is at some point during the opening post, there something like, "and then I really began to get resentful..." I think it's consistent in a lot of affairs for the wayward partner to have developed resentment and for it to have gone too long without being resolved. I think "unresolved resentment" is a huge contributor in many affairs. In some cases, the wayward made efforts that weren't satisfactorily acknowledged and in others, the wayward was too conflict-avoidant to really address it.

 

I don't know your situation well enough to surmise about it but I just wanted to note that your "lack of respect" for your husband seemed to be pretty parralel to my concept of "unresolved resentment." For what it's worth, I respect that you're introspective about it still. I think we have to analyze these things or we are destined to repeat behaviors (like conflict-avoidance) again in future relationships. My GF and I have an agreement that anytime we get even so much as uncomfortable about something (especially if it may be a difficult subject to discuss), that means we HAVE to discuss it. We've learned to never allow resentment to fester.

 

Thank you - I appreciate your post. Like I said, I'm still thinking about these things a lot. I know a lot of affairs happen with happy marriages, but in my case that wasn't true because I had simmering resentment under the surface most of the time.

 

When I first came here I presented a litany of the things I did wrong and I got (rightfully) bashed for that here as well as with my IC and a friend I confide in. They wanted me to focus on my bad behavior and choices and worry about that first, and not to focus on the failings of the relationship. That was sound advice because I probably was excusing what I did on my crappy marriage.

 

Having said that, it made reconciliation almost impossible, because while I could focus on not cheating and examining why I did what I did, I didn't have the stomach for the marriage. Too many unresolved issues for too long. I don't want to bash my H so I'll leave it there, but it makes me wonder if I am remorseful enough. If I were, would I have a strong desire to restore the relationship? Any thoughts on that appreciated.

 

Sorry to t/j.

[Owl]

Most of the books that helped my marriage to recover have already been mentioned.

 

I'm going to offer one more, less known book that made a huge difference.

 

"20 (Surprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens.

[Act Two]

For some reason I can't edit my post but I meant to write that I was b@&tching about everything he did wrong to me when I was all foggy and was rightfully set straight that I needed to work on myself.

 

Also edited to add that I think preventing resentment by talking out issues is a really good plan. In my case, we needed to take the talking to making changes but that is the best first step.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you - I appreciate your post. Like I said, I'm still thinking about these things a lot. I know a lot of affairs happen with happy marriages, but in my case that wasn't true because I had simmering resentment under the surface most of the time.

 

When I first came here I presented a litany of the things I did wrong and I got (rightfully) bashed for that here as well as with my IC and a friend I confide in. They wanted me to focus on my bad behavior and choices and worry about that first, and not to focus on the failings of the relationship. That was sound advice because I probably was excusing what I did on my crappy marriage.

 

Having said that, it made reconciliation almost impossible, because while I could focus on not cheating and examining why I did what I did, I didn't have the stomach for the marriage. Too many unresolved issues for too long. I don't want to bash my H so I'll leave it there, but it makes me wonder if I am remorseful enough. If I were, would I have a strong desire to restore the relationship? Any thoughts on that appreciated.

 

Sorry to t/j.

 

I sympathize with the dilemma that you encountered. My WW and I went thru the same. I drafted a long response to this but think it merits its own thread.

[BetrayedH]

Most of the books that helped my marriage to recover have already been mentioned.

 

I'm going to offer one more, less known book that made a huge difference.

 

"20 (Surprisingly Simple!) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens.

 

Thanks Owl. Also glad to see a post from you. Been a while.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Im in a store looking for

 

How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair

 

I see

 

How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Is that it???

[Act Two]

I sympathize with the dilemma that you encountered. My WW and I went thru the same. I drafted a long response to this but think it merits its own thread.

 

On resentment and affairs or true remorse/reconciliation? I'm curious to see your response!

[BetrayedH]

Im in a store looking for

 

How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair

 

I see

 

How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Is that it???

 

Yep, that's it. Sure I messed up the exact title.

[BetrayedH]

On resentment and affairs or true remorse/reconciliation? I'm curious to see your response!

 

What resonated with me about your post was about how difficult it can be to work on restoring the marriage (the things that initially made you resentful) when you're trying to clean up from the nuke that was dropped via the affair. "Working on the marriage" was very hard for me as a BS because it felt like I was enabling blameshifting. I acknowledged that I had contributed to the marital problems and was working on them but it really was a day late and a dollar short for my wife. (Forgive the gender typing here), I think women are many times emotionally checked-out of a marriage before the affair begins. Then you add the fantasy affair and it really crystallizes resentment towards the BS. I can tell you that my WW and I did our best to multi-task (address both the affair and marital issues) but it's damn tough. My wife needed to see changes on my part but that's a tall order when I'm in the middle of being devastated and really not too interested in hearing anything that sounds like blameshifting. I think most BSs are willing to acknowledge their part but want it on the back burner as compared to the affair. But that leaves you in your situation where you needed the marital problems addressed so that you could emotionally reconnect.

 

Of course, in hindsight the best thing is for both parties to have the courage to discuss issues BEFORE they become resentful (especially before moving on to someone else). When there's an affair, one or both parties are conflict-avoidant and hindsight doesn't help. I just know that I wish my WW had found the courage to have the difficult conversations (even threaten separation/divorce if necessary) before she became irreversably resentful because when I found out about it, I made serious efforts to change every issue she raised (tried to quit smoking, lost weight, took a greater leadership role in the household). When she saw the changes I made to salvage our marriage, she said she felt stupid (her word) for not talking to me more directly. The affair never needed to happen. Sadly, it did happen and the result was that I was in too broken of a state to be as effective as she needed and she threw in the towel.

[Snowflower]

What BH said above^^^really sums it up.

 

Reconciliation is like walking through a landmine. It really is.

 

There are so many issues at play. For the BS it is the wrenching betrayal and the affair. For the WS, it might be guilt and shame for having an affair mixed with all the resentment that occurred pre-affair.

 

How does a couple handle the needs of both partners? It is really tough to do and why so many reconciliations fail because it is so tricky. How do you address the needs of the WS, because face it, blame-shifting seems so obvious here? But yet, the WS still has needs and concerns about the state of the marriage that need to be addressed. I think in the rush? to reconcile, the focus is put on the BS and their needs but where does that leave the WS?

 

It has to take both spouses really wanting to reconcile in order for it to have a chance and even then, the odds are still against reconciliation.

 

It is a tough spot to be in, that is for sure. Act2, thank you for sharing your thoughts from the wayward side.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Snowflower

[Older 'n' wiser]

All of the ones mentioned plus:

 

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

[waterwoman]

Just finished 'How to fix your marriage without talking about it'. Made a lot of sense. Read a few bits out loud to H and he agreed. Whether he actually reads it himself is another matter......

 

It made it clear how excruciating this post-affair reconciliation was for him and also why I have felt so insecure at times. Good stuff!

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for both.

[BetrayedH]

i read a few online articles, but not any books...

 

this isn't to say that books aren't useful for people, but so many seem like "pop psychology" that tended to take a one size its all approach ( this may have been the books I glanced through, I don't know) ...I prefered to get my information from the counselors, etc. that we saw, and also from here...

 

I was never much of an avid reader prior to Dday; I would read when I had a purpose. But after Dday my appetite for information was voracious. I started online and eventually every link was just linking back to something I'd already read before. And most of the articles were a page and a half (not hardly enough). I must've read 15 books in the first six months; I know my wife read 10. And that's besides posting here and lurking a lot on SI, TAD, and the like.

 

I sometimes joke that I've earned a PhD in Infidelity now. It's funny to me how I knew nothing about it before. Even through a mostly sexless marriage, I'd never considered it and always thought my wife incapable. It was something from the movies and something that involved foolish celebrities or politicians