Books

[Ninja'sHusband]

Oh I forgot Good Divorce and Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

 

Both were pretty important as we started breaking apart instead of trying to fix things. The "Kids" book made me angry so I didn't finish it, but still it did help me when presenting the D to my daughter.

 

I never cried so much in my life as when I read Good Divorce, probably every 2 paragraphs. It was horrible(the pain, not the book). Most painful book I ever read. Worked through a lot of grief while facing reality.

[Decorative]

"How Can I Forgive You?" is the only book that helped me. I think it's because I reject the notion of forgiveness as most people define it and so does the author. The standard books on infidelity that most of you list didn't resonate with me.

 

I did not and have no plans to forgive my spouse for his affair.

 

I love him. We have a happily reconciled marriage.

 

But some things aren't forgivable, and in my worldview, this is one of them.

 

We have talked about it extensively. Worked really hard to build a new marriage. He has done so much work on himself, and for us.

 

But forgiveness for his long term affair? No. For me? It would just be words without meaning, and I needed to be honest with him that it wasn't something I would do. It actually helped us move forward. It removed the pressure I was creating on myself to forgive him.

 

That being said? The scars from the affair are fading and silvering and becoming more slight every day.

 

But they'll always be there. They only hurt now when they are pressed on.

[drifter777]

I did not and have no plans to forgive my spouse for his affair.

 

I love him. We have a happily reconciled marriage.

 

But some things aren't forgivable, and in my worldview, this is one of them.

 

We have talked about it extensively. Worked really hard to build a new marriage. He has done so much work on himself, and for us.

 

But forgiveness for his long term affair? No. For me? It would just be words without meaning, and I needed to be honest with him that it wasn't something I would do. It actually helped us move forward. It removed the pressure I was creating on myself to forgive him.

 

That being said? The scars from the affair are fading and silvering and becoming more slight every day.

 

But they'll always be there. They only hurt now when they are pressed on.

 

This mostly describes me as well. I wouldn't say I have a "happily reconciled marriage" because that is not true. I'd describe my marriage as pretty solid and as happy as most married couples. Another difference is that my scars don't have to be pressed; certain things still trigger my memories.

[Act Two]

Oh I forgot Good Divorce and Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

 

Both were pretty important as we started breaking apart instead of trying to fix things. The "Kids" book made me angry so I didn't finish it, but still it did help me when presenting the D to my daughter.

 

 

Out of curiosity, why did that book make you angry? I just got that one.

[2long]

After d day I started with his needs her needs. I found it pretty useless. Harley places "need" 2 highly, and his ideas about you being responsible for making your spouse love you are absurd.

 

I read schnarch's passionate marriage next. Good ideas about individual emotional health in there, but most of it is about passion in ok marriages and not about infidelity specifically.

 

I read surviving an affair 7 months after d day and found it rather pedestrian and more of the same from the MB forums, which were a lot broader at the time than now.

 

Private lies by Pittman is very good, but "Grow up! How taking responsibility can make you a happy adult" is even better. It's about healthy marriages as well as infidelity recovery. My highest recommendation.

 

-ol' 2long

Edited January 21, 2013 by 2long

[waterwoman]

Liked the SHirley Glass article. I have got Not Just Friends but H is never going to manage to read all of that . I will print the article off and hand it to him.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Out of curiosity, why did that book make you angry? I just got that one.

What I remember was a section telling us to tell our kids that we both tried as hard as we could to make the marriage work and it wasn't because we didn't love them enough. I think that would be a great thing to say if it were true, I just don't believe it. I think adultery is incredibly selfish and in no way takes anyone else into consideration. I get their point, but it still made me angry, I remember throwing the book down and sliding it under the bed where it stayed for months after that. I had gotten what I wanted out of it anyway.

 

When we told our daughter, a softer version of what they had recommended was said (I authored most of the "speech" we gave). It was something along the lines of "We tried very hard to fix our problem because we love you so much." For me that was a compromise between what I felt I gave and what I felt my ex gave.

 

Maybe I'm splitting hairs, I dunno. I understand they use that book/program in Florida as a requirement for divorcing parents. Hmm a quick search says they aren't doing that anymore. Anyway, that's what my beef was, justified or not

[Spark1111]

Liked the SHirley Glass article. I have got Not Just Friends but H is never going to manage to read all of that . I will print the article off and hand it to him.

 

Where's decorative?

 

Psychology Today also had an interview with Pittman. maybe she can link it for you.

[Decorative]

Where's decorative?

 

Psychology Today also had an interview with Pittman. maybe she can link it for you.

 

Here I am!! here it is!

 

 

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

[ComingInHot]

Surviving an affair

Bible

Love languages

 

And before Anyone tries to back their sh$t onto my book list, BH asked what books worked.

 

I'd rather be with the kind of Hope I have than w/out it**

[Furious]

Here I am!! here it is!

 

 

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

 

 

Wow Decorative...you're fast and you're resourceful!

[Act Two]

What I remember was a section telling us to tell our kids that we both tried as hard as we could to make the marriage work and it wasn't because we didn't love them enough. I think that would be a great thing to say if it were true, I just don't believe it. I think adultery is incredibly selfish and in no way takes anyone else into consideration. I get their point, but it still made me angry, I remember throwing the book down and sliding it under the bed where it stayed for months after that. I had gotten what I wanted out of it anyway.

 

Seems like a fair enough complaint- but sounds like you took the high road in your speech to your daughter, and who can fault you for that?

 

I looked on the cover, btw, and it says the book is used nationally in mandated programs for parents.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Seems like a fair enough complaint- but sounds like you took the high road in your speech to your daughter, and who can fault you for that?

 

I looked on the cover, btw, and it says the book is used nationally in mandated programs for parents.

Thanks

 

Hmm, maybe some other states use it. When I bought it a little less than a year ago, Florida was the only place that I saw required it. Where I live they didn't use it in the mandated parenting class that I took. I don't think mandated parenting classes are universal either, depends on where you live.

[BetrayedH]

Shattered Vows, and her interview in Psychology Today - Dr. Shirley Glass (look it up now)

 

Private Lies- Dr. Frank Pittman.

 

Sorry. Did not read the entire thread ( lunch hour) so if they have already been mentioned, please ignore.

 

Thank you. Shattered Vows was a new suggestion and one I haven't heard of.

[BetrayedH]

"How Can I Forgive You?" is the only book that helped me. I think it's because I reject the notion of forgiveness as most people define it and so does the author. The standard books on infidelity that most of you list didn't resonate with me.

 

I'll take credit for recommending that one to you.

 

[BetrayedH]

Another thought on Dobson is that whenever I hear something like, "If you beg and plead and make a doormat of yourself, they won't respect you." I feel like it's a quote from Dobson. He harps on that a lot. I think all the authors say it, but that particular wording seems to call up Dobson for me. It was the first book I read btw. I guess I could make my full list ^^ Ok, here goes. Trying to do this in the order I read them in. Not all are totally relevant...but this was my self help reading spree(minus one sex book haha)

 

Love Must Be Tough -Dobson

Liked it, but at the time I was put off by how it seemed to focus on betrayed women. I didn't think the advice applied to me because my WW wasn't continuing the A.

Women's Infidelity I & II - Langley

Some really interesting insights on women's infidelity. She actually addresses the female sex drive which I feel like most women are in complete denial of... The first book feels like it's justifying women's infidelity in a way, as it explains. The second book makes and about face and seems to demonize women. Both books lack solutions to the problem, only giving descriptions. In the end she cops out, saying "thinks always work out for the best".

His Needs, Her Needs - Harley

My father has told me he should require this of us before getting married. I wish he had gone more hardcore. Very good book, explaining how people have different needs. I was afraid it would be sexist. It's not. He stresses that everyone has individual needs, but goes on to point out trends he noticed when surveying lots of men and women. He deals with affairs in here as well, but he has 2 other books.

Love Busters - Harley

Really, this is just a continuation of the 1st book. Every bit as valuable IMO. Focuses on things you might do to destroy a marriage (includes adultery as the worst thing)

Divorce Remedy - Davis

Picked this up when I was starting to consider divorce. The first chapter does a good job of talking you out of it. The book is focused on slowly getting someone to stop wanting a divorce little by little. Have you heard the term "180"....well I think Davis should publish another book, same contents but with the title "180" because all the stuff you ever heard attributed to that idea came from this book. Really the 180 was just one technique in one chapter...but people have expanded it to include all of Davis' other ideas IMO.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Gottman

I read this because my counselor had a blurb mentioning that she uses Gottman's ideas for marriage counseling. I wanted to understand where my counselor was coming from. I liked the book but some things bothered me. He was really cocky saying that only his book had real research behind it, trashing every other publication in existence. He goes over destructive things that can happen when you argue, things proven to be bad signs for a marriage long term. I liked his bit on male anger and how we need a cooling down period (Davis also talks about this, but Gottman is more scientific) There were a few points in the book I didn't agree with, but I'll save it

Hold Me Tight - Johnson

Recent book written by a Gottman follower, recommended by my therapist. I got more out of it than the Gottman book. Really good book for learning to have good loving communication with your spouse. Good chapter on forgiveness\apologies. I think couples going into therapy NEED THESE SKILLS ASAP!!!

Surviving an Affair - Harley

Good book, but there's a lot of overlap between the Harley books. He kinda summarizes the his other work in each other book..so by the time I read this I was kinda burnt out. It has some good ideas though. The Plan A/Plan B strategy is good...I kinda failed at the end in my life. I got really angry at the divorce and considered it over anyway The gist is, (A)be nice as long as you can and do a basic "180" from Davis' stuff(he doesn't mention Davis) and if that fails (B)separate, go NC, no support. So try "Divorce Remedy" and if that fails, go to "Love Must Be Tough" hehehe. No, I just oversimplified 3 books, not fair.

 

 

At this point I started reading book to satisfy some of my wife's demands.

Honor Your Anger : How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life - Engel

She felt my anger was out of control, so I read this. I liked it because it covers many types of anger, their roots etc. I think it helped me some and also gave me insight into how my exwife deals with anger.

 

A book on bipolar and a book on border personality disorder..because my wife wanted me to be able to handle my sister better. My ex and my sister do NOT get along well ^^ The border personality book has some good info on dealing with emotional people, general psychology stuff: "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". My mother and a lot of other counselors say that my sister has some variation of BPD or bipolar.

 

I started to read "Not Just Friends", would have liked my spouse to have read it...but shortly into it we decided to divorce. My motivation fell off a cliff and I never got past the first couple chapters(or maybe pages?)

 

Thanks for all this detail. I think you and I both read like crazy after Dday. Sadly, by the time I got around to asking my wife for the affair books in the divorce, she had already donated them. Lord knows she had nothing left to learn from them.

[ComingInHot]

Funny thing. For Christmas my parents gave my husband the book Love Talk by Dr. Les & Leslie Porrett. LOL!!

 

He hasn't cracked yet but he stated in front of our children & me that this was a book he needed to read.

 

Here's to hopin' ** clink of glasses**

[BetrayedH]

I did not and have no plans to forgive my spouse for his affair.

 

I love him. We have a happily reconciled marriage.

 

But some things aren't forgivable, and in my worldview, this is one of them.

 

We have talked about it extensively. Worked really hard to build a new marriage. He has done so much work on himself, and for us.

 

But forgiveness for his long term affair? No. For me? It would just be words without meaning, and I needed to be honest with him that it wasn't something I would do. It actually helped us move forward. It removed the pressure I was creating on myself to forgive him.

 

That being said? The scars from the affair are fading and silvering and becoming more slight every day.

 

But they'll always be there. They only hurt now when they are pressed on.

 

What I found is that this book, while titled about forgiveness, actually focuses much more on acceptance when forgiveness isn't merited.

[dreamingoftigers]

Infidelity:

 

After the affair: seemed good for explaining the thought patterns behind an A but the part about the MM-experience really gutted me.

 

Hold me tight is good.

I don't tend to prefer the writing style of older female counselors (I.e. "protest polka" ) but she is excellent and sound in her delivery and philosophies.

 

That book is the reason H and I started EFT. EFT is an excellent marital therapy! An 80% success rate as opposedto traditional MC which is around 50% (if I remember correctly)

 

My husband found Gottman a little arrogant as well. But he does agree the principles sound worth listening to etc.

 

I like Relationship Cure and started using it in conjunction with Divorce Remedy when my husband and I separated. I believe close to maximizes recovery and recon in a situation as crazy as mine was.

 

My mother loaned me Relationship Rescue. Gee, who would've thought Dr. Phil would sound overbearing and kinda blaming anyhow, he was good for pointing out that someone can take responsibility for and alter their relationship BUT I think his "share with your spouse and kinda get them to deliver would be VERY confrontational to a lot of spouses who have been in a stagnant or deteriorating marriage for a long time.

 

Divorce Remedy as least gets you to watch for cues etc. I actually called a "Divorce Coach" 3 times and they gave me great feedback and optimism. Chuck, I think was good and so was Dottie (sp?).

 

For spouses who have been unfaithful in regards to sexual addiction:

 

Out of the Shadows (classic)

Facing the Shadow

Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and their Partners (but this one gets a little "shamey" towards sexual addicts at the end of one chapter as well as making recovery seem like an unreasonable amount of work that no-one with a full-time job or kids could POSSIBLY do. I ended up speaking to the author of the book actually, he was a little, um, blunt bordering on rude. But seemed like he knew his stuff)

 

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse

This was the best work I have ever read in regards to spouses of sexual addicts! Not only does it repeal the "codependent" label from those spouses that were simply betrayed, it gives them options to deal with the trauma and/or have the courage to leave without being shamed by the SA/S-anon subcommunity. Plenty of the SA/S-anon philosophy centers around saving the marriage and setting up the boundaries around recovery BUT they often separate the spouses sp much during it (just by the process) that it allows the addiction to be fostered in secrecy and the women get kind of "labelled" if they find the circumstance unlivable. It's pretty ridiculous. I've known plenty of women who were told by their therapists "you've already had disclosure, that's a big part of the process, now it's your turn to forgive etc etc etc." BUT sexual addicts aren't prone to giving up a full disclosure until they have 110% stopped acting out and they have moved past the dishonesty. It's sad how many women are essentially told "get over it, quit being so codependent, his recovery is his business" when the reality is HE IS STILL CHEATING and his disclosure was half-assed. Now with the addition of polygraphs to SA recovery, at least the disclosure is 95%+ accurate, but many therapists still don't advocate for it.

 

I read a lot more actually. But Physics awaits tonight.... Arg.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks

 

Hmm, maybe some other states use it. When I bought it a little less than a year ago, Florida was the only place that I saw required it. Where I live they didn't use it in the mandated parenting class that I took. I don't think mandated parenting classes are universal either, depends on where you live.

 

Florida has a whole range of choices now. I'm sure the one you mentioned is on the list. I also suspect they have the same theme/message - keep the adult shi t amongst the adults. I hated it but gave my kids the same, we both tried, speech. I suspect I will say more as they get older and ask questions. But let's not get too far off topic. I respect those that were more honest and this thread really isn't so much about divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

I found How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it to be one of my favorite books in dealing with gender differences and understanding. Great in a non-gimmicky way unlike "mars and Venus" although I did like "when Mars & Venus collide" in general.

 

"How to improve" is my most loaned-out books.

 

I read over three dozen books on marriage, infidelity, sexual addiction, self-development, divorce and conflict post-Dday(1-6:sick:) arg.

I couldn't stop LOL after a bit you start seeing where some have missed and some have the same basic outline or overlaps.

 

I should have read more about financial planning and investing.

[BetrayedH]

I should have read more about financial planning and investing.

 

Ha! Lol. For some reason, that came off as very funny to me.

[Decorative]

What I found is that this book, while titled about forgiveness, actually focuses much more on acceptance when forgiveness isn't merited.

 

Yup! I agree! It helped me let go.

 

Would you be surprised to learn I read that one, too? LOL

 

I heal by information. Vast, vast intake of information.

 

Call me Spock.

[Act Two]

 

I should have read more about financial planning and investing.

 

For reals. Forget all of the emotions and loving books! If I had done more of that my marriage might have gone down an entirely different path.

[BetrayedH]

Great books on EMRs by Emily Brown:

 

Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment

 

Affairs - A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity

 

EMRs are divided into:

 

Conflict avoidance

Intimacy avoidance

Sexual addiction

Split self

Exit

 

Lots of information about why EMRs happen and what to do about it.

 

"Emily Brown has written a must-read book for anyone going through the searing pain of infidelity. First she deciphers the five types of affairs, then she gives clear step-by-step procedures to help both partners deal with it and even grow from it. It's a real achievement." --Marguerite Kelly, syndicated columnist, The Family Almanac and author, Marguerite Kelly's Family Almanac

 

As much as we might disagree, I appreciate your feedback on this. Anything else that you think summarizes your particular point-of-view? Yours is somewhat uniquely defiant (sorry, I couldn't think of a better term) and one that is very foreign to me, thus something that I'd like to understand better.