BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Trying to round out a personal top ten (perhaps fifteen) best books to read on infidelity. Ones that seem obvious on the list: Not Just Friends How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair Surviving An Affair His Needs, Her Needs The Five Love Languages I honestly don't care to argue about Dr Harley. I think these two books have a place in the top 10-15. Debate is welcome, by default, but please don't be bitter unless you're ok with that. 101 Great Quickies might be a good option. Women's Infidelity, and When Good People Have Affairs seem to be competitors. Sure I'm missing plenty. Thoughts? 1
road Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Surviving An Affair His Needs, Her Needs By Dr Harley are the first two books that have to be read. 1
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Surviving An Affair His Needs, Her Needs By Dr Harley are the first two books that have to be read. Good grief, Road. I already gave you two in the top five. If you want to have some credibility here, your background is required. 1
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 ^^^This one should be called "The Cheaters Guide to Justifying Your Affair." Not Just Friends is a great book. I might tend to agree but I think the perspective is merited in the top 15. Certainly debatable but I tend to think thay you owe me more than one other book if you're going to exclude it. No pressure.
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Spark and Decorative, I'm paying attention so make it good. Kidd 1
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I know NH would recommend, The Divorce Remedy. Funny thing is that I haven't read it but get the impression that I would agree. 1
Furious Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 i highly recommend: Not just Friends, by Shirley Glass Private lies, by Frank Pittman 2
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 i highly recommend: Not just Friends, by Shirley Glass Private lies, by Frank Pittman Thanks. You've been scarce. Hope that's a good thing. 1
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Torn Asunder was helpful to me. Much appreciated. Thank you.
Furious Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Thanks BH There's a book I absolutely love, it's not a typical self help book but it's a great read. It had my laughing and crying. The lover's Dictionary, by David Levithan 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Divorce Remedy - Michele Weiner Davis Though not specifically focused on infidelity, it does cover it and I remember having my ex read the parts that did pertain. The whole book is really good and people reference the "180"+ all the other concepts on the web constantly. Pretty epically import I think. Love Must Be Tough - Dobson Good one for people who are complete doormats. Focused on women who can't stand up for themselves. Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson This isn't about infidelity but I thought it would have helped us go through counseling in general much more effectively. We didn't have the skills to even communicate properly. This book teaches some extremely important ideas about how to communicate and not war. It has a great section on forgiveness and apologies as well.
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Some people swear by Gottman. I found Love Languages very simplistic. I can't be too many fit the questions/pidgeonholes though the idea is a good premise. One thing I didn't mention about "Hold Me Tight" is that Sue Johnson is a Gottman follower. I read the 7 principles book but was really turned off by Gottman's cocky attitude and a few of his concepts. Generally a good book, but I felt like Sue took it new places and improved upon the Gottman philosophy. Her's is still a fairly new book (2008). I like His Needs Her Needs better than what I've seen of 5 love langs. Similar ideas but I think Harley is more flexible and complete. Though I should say that I've only reviewed the 6 Love Langs website...so not quite fair. Edited January 21, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband 1
road Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Good grief, Road. I already gave you two in the top five. If you want to have some credibility here, your background is required. So great minds can not think a like or agree? I guess you do not think on the same high plain as me.
Decorative Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 i highly recommend: Not just Friends, by Shirley Glass Private lies, by Frank Pittman These two, with the addition of The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughn. Why We Love, by Helen Fisher. John Gottman down the line, if reconciliation is on the table. And I agree with the Harley recommendations- for the Plan B information and some of the mechanics of an affair. But I just recommend, um, skimming? Over certain parts of it. 1
eleanorrigby Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 My bookshelf looks like everyone else's! I think there are only a couple of books mentioned that I don't have already. The ones that helped me the most were Divorce Remedy, His Needs, Her Needs and Torn Assunder. (we did a session with the man that wrote that one. He was nice)
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Divorce Remedy - Michele Weiner Davis Though not specifically focused on infidelity, it does cover it and I remember having my ex read the parts that did pertain. The whole book is really good and people reference the "180"+ all the other concepts on the web constantly. Pretty epically import I think. Love Must Be Tough - Dobson Good one for people who are complete doormats. Focused on women who can't stand up for themselves. Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson This isn't about infidelity but I thought it would have helped us go through counseling in general much more effectively. We didn't have the skills to even communicate properly. This book teaches some extremely important ideas about how to communicate and not war. It has a great section on forgiveness and apologies as well. Thanks NH. I have a feeling that Dobson may be too religious for me (just personally) but I will give it a look. I read a lot of Dobson when I studied Christianity, just not sure I've read this one. 1
Author BetrayedH Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 These two, with the addition of The Monogamy Myth, by Peggy Vaughn. Why We Love, by Helen Fisher. John Gottman down the line, if reconciliation is on the table. Hadn't heard of Fisher. Will check it out. Agreed on Vaughn. She was also connected to BAN (Beyond Affairs Network). One of the tangent authors is Anne Bercht who wrote, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me." While the title stirs controversy, I found it very helpful in regards to what a healthy reconciliation looks like. I also got a lot out of the BAN website and attended their monthly support groups for betrayed spouses. I just also remembered that, How Can I Forgive You, was a great book on acceptance. And I need to read some Gottman. Let me know if you have a ranked list in mind. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Thanks NH. I have a feeling that Dobson may be too religious for me (just personally) but I will give it a look. I read a lot of Dobson when I studied Christianity, just not sure I've read this one. I didn't find it to be particularly religious. In fact he spends a lot of time telling women who are caught up "serving their husbands" that they don't have to be doormats. If I remember correctly, his opening to the book warns that he will probably piss off a lot of Christians ^^ I think Harley and Davis are a lot softer footed (remember Harley is a big Christian too). Dobson is pretty "tough" from what I remember hehe. 1
StormySeas Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I'm only about halfway through, but so far "Intimacy after Infidelity" has been an interesting read. I haven't read anything that I haven't read in previous books mentioned earlier in the thread, but the first ten pages felt like the writers had written the book specifically for me so I have to give them a little credit! 2
Decorative Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hadn't heard of Fisher. Will check it out. Agreed on Vaughn. She was also connected to BAN (Beyond Affairs Network). One of the tangent authors is Anne Bercht who wrote, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me." While the title stirs controversy, I found it very helpful in regards to what a healthy reconciliation looks like. I also got a lot out of the BAN website and attended their monthly support groups for betrayed spouses. I just also remembered that, How Can I Forgive You, was a great book on acceptance. And I need to read some Gottman. Let me know if you have a ranked list in mind. For Gottman- I would start with the 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work, then follow it with What Makes Love Last, which he co-authored with Nan Silver. Those two get you in the understanding of his research the quickest- and as you read the first book, I swear, you'll be reading along and nodding. Because you'll see how those principles play in every successful relationship. Not just marital. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Spark and Decorative, I'm paying attention so make it good. Kidd Shattered Vows, and her interview in Psychology Today - Dr. Shirley Glass (look it up now) Private Lies- Dr. Frank Pittman. Sorry. Did not read the entire thread ( lunch hour) so if they have already been mentioned, please ignore.
Decorative Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Shattered Vows, and her interview in Psychology Today - Dr. Shirley Glass (look it up now) Private Lies- Dr. Frank Pittman. Sorry. Did not read the entire thread ( lunch hour) so if they have already been mentioned, please ignore. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/199807/shattered-vows Quick read. Powerful information 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Another thought on Dobson is that whenever I hear something like, "If you beg and plead and make a doormat of yourself, they won't respect you." I feel like it's a quote from Dobson. He harps on that a lot. I think all the authors say it, but that particular wording seems to call up Dobson for me. It was the first book I read btw. I guess I could make my full list ^^ Ok, here goes. Trying to do this in the order I read them in. Not all are totally relevant...but this was my self help reading spree(minus one sex book haha) Love Must Be Tough -Dobson Liked it, but at the time I was put off by how it seemed to focus on betrayed women. I didn't think the advice applied to me because my WW wasn't continuing the A. Women's Infidelity I & II - Langley Some really interesting insights on women's infidelity. She actually addresses the female sex drive which I feel like most women are in complete denial of... The first book feels like it's justifying women's infidelity in a way, as it explains. The second book makes and about face and seems to demonize women. Both books lack solutions to the problem, only giving descriptions. In the end she cops out, saying "thinks always work out for the best". His Needs, Her Needs - Harley My father has told me he should require this of us before getting married. I wish he had gone more hardcore. Very good book, explaining how people have different needs. I was afraid it would be sexist. It's not. He stresses that everyone has individual needs, but goes on to point out trends he noticed when surveying lots of men and women. He deals with affairs in here as well, but he has 2 other books. Love Busters - Harley Really, this is just a continuation of the 1st book. Every bit as valuable IMO. Focuses on things you might do to destroy a marriage (includes adultery as the worst thing) Divorce Remedy - Davis Picked this up when I was starting to consider divorce. The first chapter does a good job of talking you out of it. The book is focused on slowly getting someone to stop wanting a divorce little by little. Have you heard the term "180"....well I think Davis should publish another book, same contents but with the title "180" because all the stuff you ever heard attributed to that idea came from this book. Really the 180 was just one technique in one chapter...but people have expanded it to include all of Davis' other ideas IMO. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Gottman I read this because my counselor had a blurb mentioning that she uses Gottman's ideas for marriage counseling. I wanted to understand where my counselor was coming from. I liked the book but some things bothered me. He was really cocky saying that only his book had real research behind it, trashing every other publication in existence. He goes over destructive things that can happen when you argue, things proven to be bad signs for a marriage long term. I liked his bit on male anger and how we need a cooling down period (Davis also talks about this, but Gottman is more scientific) There were a few points in the book I didn't agree with, but I'll save it Hold Me Tight - Johnson Recent book written by a Gottman follower, recommended by my therapist. I got more out of it than the Gottman book. Really good book for learning to have good loving communication with your spouse. Good chapter on forgiveness\apologies. I think couples going into therapy NEED THESE SKILLS ASAP!!! Surviving an Affair - Harley Good book, but there's a lot of overlap between the Harley books. He kinda summarizes the his other work in each other book..so by the time I read this I was kinda burnt out. It has some good ideas though. The Plan A/Plan B strategy is good...I kinda failed at the end in my life. I got really angry at the divorce and considered it over anyway The gist is, (A)be nice as long as you can and do a basic "180" from Davis' stuff(he doesn't mention Davis) and if that fails (B)separate, go NC, no support. So try "Divorce Remedy" and if that fails, go to "Love Must Be Tough" hehehe. No, I just oversimplified 3 books, not fair. At this point I started reading book to satisfy some of my wife's demands. Honor Your Anger : How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life - Engel She felt my anger was out of control, so I read this. I liked it because it covers many types of anger, their roots etc. I think it helped me some and also gave me insight into how my exwife deals with anger. A book on bipolar and a book on border personality disorder..because my wife wanted me to be able to handle my sister better. My ex and my sister do NOT get along well ^^ The border personality book has some good info on dealing with emotional people, general psychology stuff: "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". My mother and a lot of other counselors say that my sister has some variation of BPD or bipolar. I started to read "Not Just Friends", would have liked my spouse to have read it...but shortly into it we decided to divorce. My motivation fell off a cliff and I never got past the first couple chapters(or maybe pages?)
drifter777 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 "How Can I Forgive You?" is the only book that helped me. I think it's because I reject the notion of forgiveness as most people define it and so does the author. The standard books on infidelity that most of you list didn't resonate with me.
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