MLS84 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi Everyone, I'm currently in a 9-year relationship, but it seems like neither one of us are ever happy. I am trying to decide whether to end things and it's tearing me up inside. We lived together at one point, but right now he comes to my house only on weekends. For the most part we have fun -- we have similar interests, and obviously there's a ton of history between us. He's a wonderful man; kind, patient, and always has my best interest at heart. BUT.....I'M NOT HAPPY! Here's why: 1) I'm not physically attracted to him -- we ALWAYS fight about sex. ALWAYS. I have tried my best to satisfy him sexually, but it's a never-ending battle because he wants it constantly and I don't. I'm not sure if I could ever overcome this. We have had some nasty arguments about this....over and over again. 2) He doesn't follow through -- I'm a very goal oriented person. I'm well educated and have a great career. On the other hand, my boyfriend never finished high school (although he has a GED) and will not finish college. He's been talking about finishing since we met and still hasn't done it. Also, he always talks about moving further in his career but never follows through. 3) His career -- He has a stable job but makes less than half of what I make. Plus, I feel like he mooches off of me! I let him have my old car and he never paid me for it like we agreed. I own a home and won't let him move in because I'm afraid he won't contribute financially. I'm not looking to be rich, but I've worked hard for what I have, and would like to find someone to help support our life together. Especially since I want to have kids one day... 4) He's very demanding -- he expects me to do everything for him. He asks me to do his laundry when he comes over, get him a glass of water, etc. He used to help me out around the house ALOT, but now that we've been fighting he comes over and plays online games all day (while I'm working to death). He grew up with 3 sisters and a mom who spoiled him. Seems like he expects me to do the same. All of these things together have made me so unhappy. Especially the sex part...I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. How can I force myself to be attracted to someone? To make matters worse, he smokes (which I cannot stand). The smell makes me even less attracted to him. He knows this, and has never made an effort to quit. We're best friends with a ton of history....how can I just throw all of that away? I'm best friends with his sisters, and know all of his family. He's good friends with my family too. If I didn't love him why would I get uncontrollably upset at the thought of breaking up? I'm so heartbroken right now. We broke up one time a couple of years ago and I started seeing someone else during that time. Little did I know my boyfriend was spying on me! He still acts like I was cheating on him and won't let me forget it. To leave or not to leave? Do you think these are issues that can be worked out? I'm so confused. I realize relationships are all about compromise, but at what point can you say we're just not right for each other?
Leegh Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I think you are emotionally attached to him, but not in a romantic way, and that is probably why you are not physically attracted to him. The fact that you do not want to have sex with him, is key that it is the wrong relationship for you. You sound like a very high-class person, but he sounds as if he is somewhat not on your level. If it were only the cigarette smoking that was the issue, he could go to a class and quit, but something such as not being attracted to someone cannot be changed in my opinion. I think either we are, or are not attracted to someone, and it can't be changed not matter how hard we try. I would try to ease out of the relationship, or possibly you could get another job in another state and make a clean break. Simply put, it sounds as if you are too good for him. Good Luck
FailedFirstLove Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I can relate to that. I'm like you where I want to be successful so I go for my goals. He just has low self esteem and too afraid. He doesn't like to study and I'm almost finished uni. His family just hang off gov money while my parents work hard for everything we have. I love him tho. Genuinely love him. I tried to help him in every single way. but he just felt pressured. I think if we stayed together I would have ended up like you. But a the same time I want to be with him still. Only diff is that he would do house chores and stuff but I don't want a house bf|husband. It's a really hard choice sometimes I feel like I've been with him for so long an his always been there for me. I can't give up on him. Well now I got no choice. His gone. Left me.
jcd07 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Talk to him about these issues. Tell him exactly what you're thinking. Tell him you're thinking of breaking up for good if you two can't sort things out. There's no point in asking online for advice, you should be talking to him. Maybe he's willing to compromise. Maybe he's feeling the same. About the sex part, do some research together. Use this wonderful tool called the Internet to find ways of bringing the spark into your relationship. He should stop being so demanding for a while, at least until you work things out. Attraction isn't a choice, but you should be aware that sexual attraction usually vanishes in every relationship. So if you think you'll fix it with someone else, that will be just temporary. Love on the other hand IS a choice. You CAN love someone if you want to and attraction can be helped. It's unconscious, but there are things one can do to trigger it. He's just not doing that right now. Focus on the good parts. What made you stay with him for 9 years? There must have been something. Remember there is no perfect relationship. There are no soul mates, only life mates. Work together, be a team and above all, COMMUNICATE. Talk to each other about everything that bothers you. Don't argue, talk. Your goal should be finding solutions to your problems. Breaking up is not a solution, it's quitting. You should quit only when there's nothing worth saving. I would recommend you to look up some stuff about "falling out of love", the difference between love and commitment and why chasing attraction can be a losing strategy in love. You could even look up some of the PUA books on attraction, just so you can realize how easy to manipulate and shallow attraction is.
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