PurpleMonkeyDishwash Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Greetings all. So about a couple weeks ago, my girlfriend of about 4.5 months told me she was going to be moving away to another state in the summer. She had started to act more distant before that, which I had noticed and was worried about, but she later explained that was why; she figured it would be a way to prepare both of us for it. Naturally, I was very crushed when she told me, and we've both already done plenty of grieving over it, both in private and together. The day she told me, she said we needed to stop seeing each other sooner rather than later, saying there wasn't any point for us to keep getting more and more attached when it would just have to end. She said the worst thing we could do was to keep seeing each other like we have been, then have one of those moments where I drop her off at the airport and say goodbye there. After thinking about it, I realize how utterly heartbreaking that would be, but......I still just don't want to stop when she's not leaving for months. I've tried to argue that since we both know it was going to be temporary, we could just keep things where they were at until the time got closer, but she doesn't see it that way at all, saying she knows her emotions and can't do something like that. She explained how she knows her "healing process" and that if we keep going for too long, she is just going to be miserable when she moves. She started acting a bit more distant since that day, mostly over texts, then later in person too. Later she told me she wanted this past Saturday to be the last time we saw each other. She said she wanted to spend the rest of her time here with her family members and best friends. I half-agreed, then we were just sitting there on the bed, and the real her came back. She started talking about how she was going to miss me, and how great I've been, etc. Then I said I knew how great we would have kept being together, and she just did a complete emotional shutdown, and started walking towards the door. I pointed it out, then she just said in a really cold tone how it was "great" that she was going to go home and cry her eyes out. I knew then that even though she had been acting more distant, her feelings were still there, but she was just suppressing them, knowing that eventually that will lead to them going away. She came over Saturday, and basically admitted I was right, saying she was going to have to distance herself more after that day. Even still, the real her came out again the entire time, and it was great and hard at the same time. Knowing she still had feelings, but was making herself get rid off them. Even worse, I knew that over time, it was going to work. When she left, she said we can still talk, but we weren't going to spend more time together. I said it didn't have to be that way, then she paused, then said if she changed her mind, she'd let me know. Maybe it was desperation, but I even brought up the possibility of us just becoming FWB for a while, but she said she can't do emotionless sex. She said she has a really nice vibrator, and doesn't need to have sex for no reason Seriously though, I don't know what to do now. We've talked a handful of times since then over texting, but she's back to acting distant again. Should I just go NC and see if she reaches out? Do I just start my own process now and try to let go? I fear she's already too far into her process of letting go to change her mind, but I truly am not sure.
Leegh Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I would a while to let everything "digest". If you don't hear from her in a month or so, you could contact her, but hopefully she'll be in touch with you. Let her miss you. 1
Author PurpleMonkeyDishwash Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I've struggled back and forth with it. On the one hand, I like to think that if I go NC, she'll realize that she misses me. But on the other, it could just lead to her completely getting over me, since she seems to have convinced herself she has to do it. It's even worse knowing that no matter what, I'm going to have to completely let go later, but for the next few months, she's still just 25 minutes away, she's still doing the same things, just not with me. I'm sure everyone here knows it, but NC is hard as hell. To go from talking to someone everyday, and your both so happy to do it. Having them be such a big part of your life, to just................nothing.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 I'm sure everyone here knows it, but NC is hard as hell. To go from talking to someone everyday, and your both so happy to do it. Having them be such a big part of your life, to just................nothing. Yeah, it hurts like a bitch. But sometimes you've gotta do stuff that hurts. She told you she's moving, and she has no plan to stay together. That's really all you need to know. If she loved you, she either wouldn't go, or if she had to go she'd find a way for you two to stay together. Weird, because a friend of mine called me tonight in tears because her boyfriend of 4 months just told her the same thing - he's moving in 4 months, with no plans to invite her along or keep seeing her. He said he wants to keep seeing her until then, and she was just like, "Oh, you're leaving in 4 months but you want to keep ****ing until then. Great!" The best thing you can do is go totally NC. 1
Author PurpleMonkeyDishwash Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 Another wrinkle to this story: We met at work, and most of the time we dated, we worked, indirectly, together. Though we got really close months before we actually started seeing each other outside of work.We would always converse throughout the day, go on break together, leave together, etc. Last month there were some layoffs. She was one of them, but I got moved to a different role there. That was bad enough, because I really missed having her there everyday, but it was alright because I knew I had her outside of work. This just makes it worse. Sometimes just the whole damn building reminds me of her, espescially the break room. I know part of getting over somebody is to get rid of "triggers", but it's hard when you have to see them every weekday....
Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Sometimes just the whole damn building reminds me of her, espescially the break room. I know part of getting over somebody is to get rid of "triggers", but it's hard when you have to see them every weekday.... My ex spent a lot of time doing some handyman things in my new house for me - like hanging my fancy wood blinds in my office, hanging my curtains in my bedroom. Since the breakup, every time I open the three sets of blinds in my office in the morning, I think about that fun day when he was installing them and I was cooking for us. I think about how proud he was of what a good job he did, and how he kept telling me to tell him thank you again, all lit up like a happy little kid. I try to be grateful for all the good things he did for me, rather than focus on what I don't have now. It helps
Leegh Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Possibly you could change jobs. I am planning on moving in the spring, as where I am currently living (my apartment) reminds me of an ex. I can hardly even look in the corner area, where we used to sit and watch tv. I tried moving plants, bookcases there, but it always reminds me of him. I almost bought some office partitions to put there, to totally block the area off, but I have decided to move to a new apartment in the spring instead. Unfortunately, I think the brain connects places, things, to people in our lives. I realize it's hard, especially with the bad economy, but it may help if you could change jobs.
Author PurpleMonkeyDishwash Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 It's certainly something I've been thinking about. To be honest I don't enjoy my new job there for a number of reasons. I also still live in the same city I was born in, which I've always planned to move away from someday. She's told me how incredibly nervous and sad, yet excited at the same time, that she is to move there and start her life. It's very much got me thinking about doing something similar, at least on a smaller scale. You're spot on about the brain connecting those things. Every single time I look at the tables in the break room I picture us sitting there, and just start having flashbacks until I make myself look away, realizing how great those times were and how they're now gone. It truly sucks.......
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