Why Can't I Get Over Mr. Wrong?

[tnyankee]

Can anyone offer any advice on what it MEANS if you can't get over "the wrong" someone? What if you still hear from your ex on a monthly basis (only at 2am after a few hundred beers) when it's been close to a year since you broke up? What if you know in your mind that he is not the one for you, that you would never feel as cherished in a lifelong relationship with him, or that you can't totally trust him with your heart, but still sink every time you hear his name or see him out? Does it mean we are weak if we can't get over the wrong guy, or is there enough there to think maybe timing is everything?

 

The situation: Dated for 8 months, broke up because he wasn't giving me everything I needed, I didn't trust him, and the words, "I think we're better friends than lovers" came out of his mouth. He ended up going back with his ex for about 1 month, realized what he had with me, and 4 months later ended up on my doorstep asking for another chance. I gave it to him. Relationship was better, but not as good as I wanted. This is a man who has verbalized that couples are no fun to be around, that once you get married your life is over, that the exciting thing about sex is when it's new and with someone new. He clearly has a warped perception of women and relationships. Still, round two he mentioned getting married someday, having kids together...brought up the topic more than me. I never initiated the conversation actually. Then, like clockwork, after another 8 months together, I woke up one morning and thought, "something is missing". I felt like an old married couple. He wasn't attacking me (sexually) I didn't feel the passion between us. But we were best friends, laughed together, could be stupid and gross together...felt totally uninhibited around each other. Still, after pleading to figure out why two people who love each other can't make it work, he gave up on us. I knew something big was missing, and when I challenged him on certain things...he retreated.

 

Now, 8 months later, and monthly drunk dials and visits late at night (which have now trailed off at my request--during a closure dinner, I told him that I want to move on, and that we can't continue sleeping together once a month--not healthy)...he respected my decision. In his mind he thinks, "I have to keep her around so that when I am ready someday, she will be there for me". In fact, at the close of our dinner, he said, "I could marry you and be happy for the rest of my life, and know that I have my best friend with me, etc. But I'm not ready for that". Wow, right? But in my heart, I can't say the same thing about him...so WHY can't I get over him when I know that my life would not be as fulfilling if I ended up with him? Does he have the potential to be everything I want when he IS ready someday, or does a leopard really never change their spots?

 

Still, I can't get over him. Maybe, I can't get over the idea of him getting over me? He called two weeks ago at 1:30am, he stopped me in a bar a month ago and told me about a dream he had of me, how I am what he thinks about when he wakes up and when he goes to be, how noone compares to me...etc. When he hears of me dating someone, he has to reel me back in with his confessions...But, why does it feel good to hear them, and when a month goes by and I don't hear from him, I start to think, "Oh God, he's over me". Now, he fills his evenings up with booze and women who do not represent a future, just meaningless sex and no commitment...every blond girl I see him with is not very attractive and are just easy fillers for now...he has the potential to be a good man, father, etc...so is it timing? Is this guy a total loser and I am just too insecure to think I deserve such a higher caliber individual?

 

So, the question of the year is: What do you do when you can't get over the wrong guy?

[ojibwaywmn]

Wow...good question, trying to figure that one out for myself. Your ex is certainly doing a good job of keeping you tuned in. He sounds pretty confused and not ready to settle down.

 

The first thing is, you need to stop answering late-night phone calls or any surprise visits. Or if he stops you in the bar somewhere. You need to be more firm with him. What he is doing to you is totally unfair. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. That's why he throws bread crumbs, to hook you in. Have some dignity and courage, tell him to hit the road....and don't let the door hit him on the way out.

 

I know what you are going through. You wish your ex wasn't the way he is, playing these childish games. My most recent ex broke my heart. I found out that he wasn't the man he said he was. He turned out to be a major player with women. I still think and miss him, but I KNOW in my soul, that I will never put up with that BS. I think what makes it difficult is remembering the good things of our relationship. Perhaps we are still stuck in Fantasyland? I have heard that is harder to let go of the "fantasy" rather than the actual person themselves. Stay true and strong.

[snilljente]

I got played too....and he wasn't the man he said he was....playing around on the side.....but still hard to let go of the good memories and the wish that the person had been who he said he was/portrayed himself to be.....we women tend to remember the good...not the bad and that's why it keeps hurting.....

[daphne]

t,

 

I feel your post. But, the only reason I believe you haven't moved on is because you've not closed the door. In order for a new door to open you have to shut the first. When you decide you want someone who is ready for a real relationship that could lead somewhere, that'll probably be around the time it falls in your lap.

 

Sometimes what happens with the losers is that the sex can be really good and hard to let go. Or they have so much in common with you it's frightening. That's not enough though, in the long run. And had you known this guy was this way in the beginning, I seriously doubt you would have signed up for it. So why now?

 

Ultimately, it will be hard to forget him until you have someone else. If you choose well, none of this will make a hill of beans.

[Kate]

oh wow, i just want to tell you that i am going through the EXACT same situation right now, different guy.

 

i have been dating mine for 8 months. we were friends first. we were friends when he couldn't WAIT to leave his last relationship of 4 years. i respected him because he never ever cheated on her. the one thing he has is his morals. he has strong convictions about cheating and sex for that matter. AT LEAST. so finally they broke up and i started seeing him, but it was friends with benefits first. then we fell in love very slowly, and EVERYTHING felt so right, unforced, natural. so HEALTHY. BUT...

 

the whole time, i was ignoring red flags. like how we never had real "dates". he never courted me. he was broke, so i used that as an excuse. he had no car for 2 months, so i drove him everywhere and back. he never even offered gas in my car (borrow it from someone if you are so broke). i always paid my share and sometimes his. he always hung out at my house, ate food from my mom's fridge (i am 25 and was only at home briefly, he was back at home with mom at 26 after living with his ex gf). he is well-mannered, polite (same thing) but apparently not THAT polite. as things progressed, i started to feel used over the "little" things. why wouldn't he ever bring me a suprise dinner, take me to the beach for a romantic walk, get me a cute card or note or flower?? all this i started wondering after 3 months together when we mutually felt we were falling in love. one day we just looked at eachother and it was crazy. you all know that wholesome feeling. this was not lust at all. i wasn't even really attracted to him in the very beginning. this felt real.

 

so, i started wanting more from him....obviously!!! just more attention, consideration, etc. and i started to get insecure. we would go out, have a few drinks, and i would get insecure and not act like myself. this sent him running for the hills. the first few times he was ok with it, and we would talk about things. i would blow it off and take the blame every time. i was confusing the fact that he was so "nice" with the fact that he wasn't doing s.hit for me to show me he even cared. when we argued, it would be ME chasing him to make up or apologize. after this a few times, it would get to the point where he would let his phone ring for hours with my calls -- and not answer them and tell his friends i was blowing up his phone with calls. how cold hearted. my heart was in pain over things not being perfect with him, and he just watched as i "annoyed" him trying to fix things. then he really started getting annoyed with me. but, things would slip back into paradise. i would have VERY constructive talks with him about what i needed, how i felt, etc. i spelled it out for him loud and freaking clear. he didn't get it -- is what i used to think. now, i realize, he didn't care. he is someone who doesn't know what he has in the present, and only loves it when it doesn't question him or require any effort from him. i should have looked at his failed financial situation and the fact that he barely worked all winter long because he has a "summer occupation" -- his own painting business. i didn't know you couldn't paint -- or do anything, for that matter - in the winter.

 

when we would have conversations about how i felt, he would tell me it was because he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. that he was practically begging to God for. the REAL truth is, he was just too comfortable and lazy to leave it. he was living not at home, and had another mother figure to do everything for him. he told me when we were friends he didn't even want to have sex with her. what is that???

 

it has gotten to the point where a few months ago the arguing was getting bad -- NEVER loud, disrespectful, just CONFUSING. i couldn't put my finger on all the things he was doing to hurt me that were not blatant like some i mentioned up top. but then one day he told me he needs space, and so i wrote out about 25 things that made me crazy over time. this was back in may after 5 months together. he agreed, said he felt guilty, and that he needed time. he told me he saw us together forever and that he feels so horrible he wasn't giving me what i needed. he said he does not know how to give it to me. we didn't talk for a couple weeks, and i couldn't take it anymore. we started to see eachother once a week and every single day was living hell for me. all i wanted was him. i couldn't see the bad, and still hardly do. i thought i could make him want me 100% by not nagging him every day. well, that worked for a while....but i never truly got the attention and commitment i wanted.

 

to this day, i am deep down disappointed in myself. all i want to do is find a guy who is worthy of me and dump him. but all the good hits me in the FACE -- in my dreams, in my daily thoughts, etc. something tells me to stay with him. i am afraid he is the guy i REALLY thought he was -- for the 3 years we were friends, and that i just have him at the wrong time. i am afraid to let him go, more so because i am afraid one or both of us will date other people not because we want to but because we have to. he has maintained to me that he doesn't want to date anyone else at all. i am in a different place. i am ready for a relationship.

 

at this point all i wonder and wonder is if it is timing -- or if i gave him sooooooooooooo much, that he got soooooooooooooooooo comfortable. he should be thanking GOD he has had me in the way he has. well, i am trying hard inside. i have told him sooooooooooo many times how i feel, and he tries to fix things every time i tell him. but, things just NEVER FEEL fixed, even when i DO see him try. i think he is clueless, and part of me doesn't think it's his fault, but part of me should not care. i don't feel in ANY way cherished, like i have any ownership of the relationship, etc.

 

i am right there with you guys. i know deep down that my guy is mr. wrong. but then i think he is mr. right. i am a mess. all of the signs are telling me what to do and i can't even do it. i feel weak, and there is nothing about my character that is remotely weak. except this. i am disappointed in myslef, but need to go easy on myself and take things day by day. i am looking or at least have my eyes open for mr. right. i am trying to accept the fact that if he was mr. right, he would do things like mr. right -- all the things he has not. i truly hope that the truth of either timing or character proves itself. the reason i am hanging on is because i went thorugh this ONE other time -- and by the time the truth surfaced, it turned out the guy was SO overwhelmed with being with me that he ended up in the hospital for depression -- he was 23, just out of college, i moved out of state, and being with me was all he wanted for 12 years. we were best friends. and i mistook his distance and "lack of effort" for just that -- only it was him just not even knowing where to start. i am afraid to misjudge this one, as i learned a valuable lesson before and should have just let things be instead of expecting more. i learned that lesson for a reason....but also learned that the right guy will make you see that he is capable of giving you what you need from him (not as a void or filler).

 

ugh. i feel your pain here.

[tnyankee]

Thanks to all of you who replied. I agree; can't open a new door until this one is closed. What he is doing is unfair. He is confused and not ready to settle down--he doesn't want me, but doesn't want me to be with someone else. Get over the fantasy. Stay true and strong. Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

Hearing other situations has even in this moment helped me realize how MUCH energy we waste on second guessing ourselves, justifying the other persons' behavior when it makes us crazy or insecure; remembering only the good,when the bad (or the red flags) are what we should be paying attention to. Do we really understand our own "must have's" or "can't live with's" and if we do....what can't we just stick to our guns?

 

The bottom line is we do understand our must have's and can't live with's...sound like a self-help book? Yep. I read it. I even made a list one time and when I go back to mine, I realize that my ex does not match up to my top 2: Relationship with God and Trustworthy...so why did I "sign up for it"?

 

It really shouldn't be this hard to where we start seeking advice of strangers who have been through the same thing so we can rest assured that we are not crazy for feeling this way. The word "God" was used throughout one response, and the thing is...when we let go of fighting, trying, pleading, explaining, arguing what we need...we realize that all we have to do understand ourselves and what we need, and ASK for it. He will provide.

 

I must shut the door for another one to open. When God closes a door, he opens a window. ASK him to shut it and he'll open up our hearts again when we are ready.

 

Self-Esteem: the word came up the other day...not self-confidence SELF ESTEEM...in other words, self respect, self worth. Why do we not believe that we are worthy of someone who DOESN'T drive us to feel insecure, or have us longing for more reassurance, more attention, more romance, more trust? Why don't we understand that when it's real, it shouldn't be this hard on our hearts. I realized last night that I hung on to his late night phone calls and expressions of love as proof that I am "worthy of being loved" when I know that I am looking for reassurance in false things. I my life, I lack the support and love of my parents, therefore I try to find it any way that I can...even in the wrong things or the wrong guy. I've let my need for feeling worthy of being loved manifest itself in someone who would never make me feel truly loved...

 

So I turn to God who loves me no matter what...who doesn't love me because of how good my heart is, but because of how good His heart is. I must find the self-esteem I lost somewhere along the way...and when I do, I will realize that there is a man who will show me respect, who will love me the way I deserve to be loved, who will not question his love for me, who will honor and cherish me. I can't find him on my own, and I can't weed out the losers on my own. So...I'm leaning on God, who knows who this guy is...where he is...and will direct his path to me.

 

I am comforted by all of your words and I hope you can have peace in your hearts like I have in mine right now. Either way, it's a daily struggle to hang onto it. Find yours and hang onto it!

[martinez0201]

[font=courier new][/font] it's ok to feel that way i was the same way with my ex-boyfriend, the father of my baby. He would do the same thing too. One day he would begg me to be with him, to form a family, and another day he wouldn't, we were better of as friends he would say. The best thing to do is to seperate your self from him and to know that he never is going to change. He feels that he can have you when he wants you. Thats why every time he sees u moving on he scurries back to you, to make it be known that he still has you. It's going to keep going on until you put a definite stop to him, and that means turning him down and letting him know that he will not have you when HE want YOU. You do this and your all set to move on, and trust me it's a better life without those type of men.

[daphne]

lovely post yankee. And Martinez, yeah, life is a hell of a lot better without those fickle boys. They have too many problems that we can't solve for them. Better some other poor girl than us.

 

And yes, God is good about giving us what we need when we let go of what we think we want.

[Lilyann]

I read all of your posts. It appears that there is a mirror on my computer screen. I think life likes to play little tricks on us. I cannot understand what the meaning behind the tricks are, but I continue to search. I myself continue to be called to the fickle guys. It was posted that you must close your heart to have another situation open. I did this, what if it leads to something that seems so right, but he cannot make a decision for the lack of making the wrong one or lives in fear of what might be thought. So the question that I constantly question is, which doors to you allow to remain open and which do you bolt shut and hold with all your might? How can something appear so perfect in everyway, but nothing is being done about it? Thoughts that puzzle the mind.