candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 the wait I'm seeing a guy who's 4 years older. It's news to me, as most guys I've dated were my age or slightly younger - i'm 32. This guy and I are similar in a few ways: this is not our first time living abroad, we love traveling, we are curious, ambitious and used to have things our way. We've started seeing eachother 2 weeks ago, three dates, lots of laughter, long talks, dinner and a movie, no kissing or touching. Actually, his paying for the bill is what makes them dates really. I have had 2 ridiculously long relationships and have been single for 2 years now. He seems used to have girlfriends and is a really smooth talker. Likes relationships, but not sure how much he gets involved - but loves female attention and is not afraid to show attention or work to get that attention. Because of my lack of experience and recent mistakes, I keep my eyes wide open and do my best to play things right - like not jumping into the sack too soon or getting emotionally involved too soon, or opening up too much. In our relationship, he is the one who is active, and I am the one more reactive. He's very good at keeping things light and at staying in touch - I really like the attention, hehe, a classical female weak point. I realize that the next few dates are crucial for the pace that I will give this relationship. I want to wait (sex) at least a week more - two three more dates, but I want to make it more intimate. I have two goals: I want to get to know him better and I want to get his interest, by the time we have sex. We've started to be more flirty over text, so yes, there is some anticipation building, here. He sort of suggested I cook for him - got out of it, luckily for me. Any ideas as to what should I watch for the next 2 dates in order to spot if he's not with me just to get sex? I would like to make these next dates more special, but not sure if he is worth the effort, if he turns out to be a douche bag... or if we turn out not to be compatible, when we kiss.
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Way too much over thinking for only two dates.
SJC2008 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Any ideas as to what should I watch for the next 2 dates in order to spot if he's not with me just to get sex? Yall are at a fast pace in that you've had 3 dates in two weeks. If you wait one more week for sex that'll be 3 weeks. IMO time is more of a "test" than date numbers wheter a man will stick around. So you should wait a month or two. If two months is too long wait a month to 6 weeks.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 bloody hell, 6 weeks? We're both over 30, what shall we do, watch Discovery Channel? I guess I am impulsive, so waiting is certainly a good test. But waiting for waiting's sake is silly. Other than the wait - which, I agree, it a good test in itself, how should I best use this time? Date ideas or activities or sensitive topics to explore?
SJC2008 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 bloody hell, 6 weeks? We're both over 30, what shall we do, watch Discovery Channel? I guess I am impulsive, so waiting is certainly a good test. But waiting for waiting's sake is silly. Other than the wait - which, I agree, it a good test in itself, how should I best use this time? Date ideas or activities or sensitive topics to explore? You could bang him while playing the discovery channel song! There's no sure fire way to tell if a guy's gonna "hit and run". TBS the longer you wait the better the chances if him sticking around. 6 weeks isn't long at all lol!
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You don't get to know someone in two weeks. It's a process. I would just use your common sense and judgment. I have to admit that I don't understand your reluctance to have him over for a meal. But then again, being in each other's homes doesn't automatically mean sex for me. Your experience and self-control might differ. He sounds like a really great guy. I hope he brings you happiness!
FitChick Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 If you want to stall a bit, you are in Switzerland -- go skiing. If you can't ski, take lessons together. Do something fun and active. You'll both be too tired to do anything but sleep afterward. As for cooking, see if there is a local cooking class you could take together. Learning new things together is a good way to get to know someone.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 thanks a LOT, guys. I was reading my thread, this morning and it does sound silly - only 2 weeks passed, jeesh. I don't have a job - am looking now, so I have quite a lot of free time, meaning that I sort of think a lot about this. Too much. Easy to tend to make a hobby out of a guy - which what I absolutely DON'T want to do. I plan to participate to a mini triathlon, that should keep me busy. I miss the excitement of projects and of work, of a schedule, so feel I may have allowed this situation a bit too much space inside my head. scj008: I guess I could, couldn't I? It's been a while, so yeah, I may actually want to have sex and dread it in the same time, haha! Cutiepie: you are making a lot of sense, I guess I shouldn't be that hung up of stuff like dinner, but I don't want to give any space to interpretations... or temptation FitChick: I'll def make sure to do something in the outdoors, if the opportunity arrises. He seems game, we'll see how his patience is. Great advice, ladies, feels great to be back here, cheers!
todreaminblue Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 You don't get to know someone in two weeks. It's a process. I would just use your common sense and judgment. I have to admit that I don't understand your reluctance to have him over for a meal. But then again, being in each other's homes doesn't automatically mean sex for me. Your experience and self-control might differ. He sounds like a really great guy. I hope he brings you happiness! I agree I dotn see th eproblem with cooking a guy dinner, when i used to date back in the dark ages, i would go to a guys place and cook in his kitchen.i have always lived with people..and it didnt lead to sex,because i didn't want to have sex....i was vegan at the time so i converted one to non meat eating h ebought the ingredients we went shopping together for ingredients and then back to his place as part of the date.....that was a first date.....i love cooking and i like a guy who isnt afraid to offer to help prep.....so i dont feel on display....so shopping dinner then clean up all part of the date....that was in my teens...ok i was always weird...and still weird and it was all fun... it was a dinner date with extras.....i also pick the busiest checkout with the slowest cashier.....just too check out anger issues...is that sly? evil grin.......deb
Emilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 We've started seeing eachother 2 weeks ago, three dates, lots of laughter, long talks, dinner and a movie, no kissing or touching. Actually, his paying for the bill is what makes them dates really. 3 dates and no touching or kissing? That's the real issue IMO.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) I've literally lost my head for the guy before him, so I'm a bit tense, I guess. We have good conversation and I got to laugh and relax, but towards the end of the dates, I would close up again. He's a smart guy and sensed it, so he would take his distance as well. More time together would be nice, as it will make me get used to have him around and not show all my spikes, again. So far, no romantic moment actually presented itself ... I'd much rather wait for the right moment and have a nice first kiss, than just do it automatically, because this is people on dates do. It's been a long time since I've had a memorable first kiss - I know, I'll hold it with the expectations. Ok, I also freak out a bit and wonder, but I didn't feel like the moment came and passed. I'm cool, we'll see. Edited January 21, 2013 by candie13
Emilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 So far, no romantic moment actually presented itself ... I'd much rather wait for the right moment and have a nice first kiss, than just do it automatically, because this is people on dates do. You shouldn't do it just because others do it but if no romantic moment presents itself, that might be telling you something. If you don't feel relaxed with this guy then maybe it's time to find someone else. You can't force these things regardless how 'right' he might feel in other ways.
TheZebra Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 If he was just with you for the sex then I imagine you guys probably would've kissed by now. I don't think you have anything to worry about. While it's likely not a good idea to jump in the sack with someone after only one date, having sex early in the relationship doesn't doom it. If the guy does like you and care for you, then whether you wait for the 3rd or 30th date isn't going to matter.
Emilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 If he was just with you for the sex then I imagine you guys probably would've kissed by now. I don't think you have anything to worry about. I really don't think that's how it works though. People who have good chemistry and good connection work harder at dating/relationships. Sexual chemistry more often than not is a good sign even if you don't act on it for a while. The fact that he has made no moves yet does not mean he has serious intentions, it can just potentially mean that the two of them don't mesh. The OP should decide why she isn't comfortable with him and not force it.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 People who have good chemistry and good connection work harder at dating/relationships. Sexual chemistry more often than not is a good sign even if you don't act on it for a while. I see your point and totally understand where you're coming from. But unfortunately, good chemistry means nothing, if the both partners are reasonably attractive and used to having things easy. Quite the contrary, actually, because they may be used to the high and get bored after the "honeymoon" is over. 've been there, done that! I like his personality. We've spent 3 h talking during the first date and I really enjoyed it. I like that he remembers that I have dinner planned with my friends and wishes me "bon appetit" at 20:00, even though he doesn't know what time I start eating. I like that he asks me how my hangover is, after I go out with my friends. I appreciate that he is considerate, that he cares and that he shows it. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect. Loves to talk. About himself , at times. Not a great listener. I like to tease him and then he makes fun of my personality. I enjoy the banter. He is quite successful in his job and I think he is used to being considered a catch - he just moved from NYC. He may be used to NYC chicks who's "set the scene" or be more direct, I don't know. Not my style, anyway. Obviously, like all guys on this planet, he may not call tomorrow, but I do feel attracted to him and think it's the same for him. It's just that we are both quite poor at handling the end of our evenings... maybe a red flag, I can't tell yet.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 If he was just with you for the sex then I imagine you guys probably would've kissed by now. I don't think you have anything to worry about. While it's likely not a good idea to jump in the sack with someone after only one date, having sex early in the relationship doesn't doom it. If the guy does like you and care for you, then whether you wait for the 3rd or 30th date isn't going to matter. Still sore after the last guy I went out with, massive chemistry and... that's about it, big promises, higher expectations and zero substance. Well, one lives and one learns. So I'm sore after that recent bad experience and for him, it may be that he's afraid that I might reject him, since I'm a bit of "a fleur de peau"...
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 When you kiss has little bearing on his interest level or whether you will end up in a relationship. Some guys are more nervous than others. Just go with the flow.
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I didn't quite get your first phrase - do you mind explaining what you meant?
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 For example, he can be really interested in you and still wait until date#5 or 6 to kiss you out of nervousness or because that's his natural pace. Or he can be on the fence, and kiss you on date#1 because that's his habit. Basically, don't read too much into the exact timing of a kiss. Just because he didn't kiss you by date#1 or whatever doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or you are doomed to never have a relationship. It's needless fretting to read into these things IMO. He'll get there eventually if things are meant to be. So what are you cooking him for dinner???
Author candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 OMG, you saw right through me, haha! Don't know, don't want to do something too fancy and appear that I try too hard... but want to cook something really tasty We're taking salsa classes together, so I'll make sure to postpone dinner for next week, plenty of time to think and try out a few recipes.
Author candie13 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 short follow up: class was good, had dinner and talked and... had a most unexpected good night kiss ! Grreaat!!
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