thoughtsofheaven Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 PLEASE READ!!! Hi everyone, I cant seem to miscount the number of times my heart has dropped into my stomach these last two days. Im 20 years old, about to start collage in the fall.(took two school years off) I am a very nice person, I don't drink, nor never have. I treat people with so much passion, I swear on my life. I don't smoke, never have. Id consider myself as a pretty big loser from where im from. Lets just say im from a little city that doesn't have a collage in it, just a bunch of dropouts and partiers. So if you don't go out and party/drink/smoke, your not very interesting.. your boring.. your a loser...'uh, your weird'- kind of thing. Anyways, I was about go to school last summer, but had my first relation ship dropped all over my heart. 14 months worth. I went into suicidal thoughts, and i ended up cutting myself alot all over my arms. And about 2-3 weeks later, this really attractive girl messaged me over facebook. "hey your pretty cute, text me sometime?" and so I did. I felt as if I needed a friend, rebound, whatever. so we met up downtown to walk around. She was pretty attractive, 2 years younger than me, just finishing up high school. (she ended up not graduating on time, and I worked my ass off to help her through alternative as a super senior for her to finish, I cared deeply-she eventually did thanks to my help) & I found out she was a heavy drinker, and shes had abusive relationships in the past. and the fact that she just randomly sent me the message (above^) left me with a feeling that... was she doing this to other guys too? it kinda made me feel like she was...kind of getting around too much, so I watched out.. just thinking.. maybe she can just be a good friend. We started dating about 2 months later after talking here and there. And WOW, she was the such a good girl, she stopped drinking, she stopped smoking, she stopped partying, ALL for me. (she bragged to have me, she had her attention all over me, she was so in love with me- nothing mattered). she loved the way I supported her with everything I had. I fell completely in love after a couple months. She was so vulnerable to me, I loved it, I never took advantage of it, I loved her being all over me. I admit, I was pretty clingy here and there as the relationship went on. I was protective. I told her that she shouldn't go hang out with a certain friend of hers that I don't like, because this 'friend' of hers, always was trying to convince her to break up with me, because I was a loser, didn't drink, didn't 'have fun'. this friend of hers was just a few months younger than her, and dropped out of school, and has a 2 year old, mentally challenged and growing baby. I probably shouldn't have told her to do this.. do that. but it was for her good, I loved her so much, I didn't want her to go back to her old life. and we had amazing conversations,all the time. she was over at my house allllllll the time, spent the night on weekends here and there. but the best thing was about after 5-6 months of being together.... we woke up.. texted eachother .. as if we were a married couple, asking eachother what were we going to do today. as if we didn't care about eachothers plans, we were both always doing everything together. It was so amazing, I loved her so much. But... on Christmas break, her sisters came up - ages 22, and 25, really nice girls, nothing like her- they were a lot smarter and wise. (meaning they didn't go out and drink during high school, theyre both in big collages successful) and... xmas night, they drank just a little, and I found out my ex did too.. I found out, didn't bug me too much, just a little. (because it was with her family) Then after that.... she'd come over like normal... and the cuddling would stop.... the kissing would slow down... the hugs were rare, I would break down inside every time this happened. eventually I ended up asking her whats wrong. she never would say. I ended up coming over the same couple weeks her sisters were visiting, and saw her talking to her ex on fb. (this ex has a lot of money, hes my age, his dad owns a big company.. hes got nice stuff, spoiled) bla bla... and.... after our 9th month together, she said she missed her old life... the drinking... My heart broke, right then and there. She said it wasn't going to work. then the next day, ididnt sleep, or eat anything that night. same problem I had when I was with my first relationship. but also knowing she might just be having a space issue. we texted eachother all day, figting, then all good, fighting then all good... etc. getting 'back together' like 2 or 3 times that day. Finally she came over that night... we talked.... worked it out. I loved it so much... BUT... as we were ready to go to do this thing with her family that day, (Friday) she looked at me in the mirror (while I was getting ready as well) and said while straightening her hair, in a quiet voice, "so does this mean I cant go to ____'s house next week and drink?" ___ being her ex. My heart couldn't take it anymore, I felt as if this drinking was back with her and I wasn't there anymore. I sat there beside her and cried. she eventually told me, very suspiciously that she wouldn't go drink with him... Then.. she asked to get on my facebook and see the messages, because all day shes been thinkin I was 'talking to other girls'. (this is what caused the fights that day) So of course.. everything was good between us, I wasn't hiding anything of course, and she looked at them. No surprise she said, ok I feel better. ..then... I asked, so let me look at yours now..? this was when my heart was broke for good, from being any better, she responded, ''...no'' (in a quiet voice) I said ... why? - she said, "because..." I eventually had to ask her a few times before she came out with it... she said, while turning away, "ive been talking to ___ (her ex) about getting back together" I started crying again. I said, ok. we continued to get her stuff out of my room, and I helped her bring it all to her car. gave her a hug, said goodbye. cried. and cried. called some friends went down to his house. didn't do much... came back home and broke down.. knowing that this love of mine, wont be in my room anymore... It's been so depressing, I don't have any friends close, there all 45 minutes or more away, so its very hard. my family is supportive, but going up to talk to them is impossible sometimes because i have alot of little brothers that wont leave them alone. I have a whole summer to work alone, with noone to talk to, to work before I head to collage... I just want to know what I can do to help heal... thank you for reading this, I appreciate it so much. please help??
Allumere Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 PLEASE READ!!! Hi everyone, I cant seem to miscount the number of times my heart has dropped into my stomach these last two days. Im 20 years old, about to start collage in the fall.(took two school years off) I am a very nice person, I don't drink, nor never have. I treat people with so much passion, I swear on my life. I don't smoke, never have. Id consider myself as a pretty big loser from where im from. Lets just say im from a little city that doesn't have a collage in it, just a bunch of dropouts and partiers. So if you don't go out and party/drink/smoke, your not very interesting.. your boring.. your a loser...'uh, your weird'- kind of thing. Anyways, I was about go to school last summer, but had my first relation ship dropped all over my heart. 14 months worth. I went into suicidal thoughts, and i ended up cutting myself alot all over my arms. And about 2-3 weeks later, this really attractive girl messaged me over facebook. "hey your pretty cute, text me sometime?" and so I did. I felt as if I needed a friend, rebound, whatever. so we met up downtown to walk around. She was pretty attractive, 2 years younger than me, just finishing up high school. (she ended up not graduating on time, and I worked my ass off to help her through alternative as a super senior for her to finish, I cared deeply-she eventually did thanks to my help) & I found out she was a heavy drinker, and shes had abusive relationships in the past. and the fact that she just randomly sent me the message (above^) left me with a feeling that... was she doing this to other guys too? it kinda made me feel like she was...kind of getting around too much, so I watched out.. just thinking.. maybe she can just be a good friend. We started dating about 2 months later after talking here and there. And WOW, she was the such a good girl, she stopped drinking, she stopped smoking, she stopped partying, ALL for me. (she bragged to have me, she had her attention all over me, she was so in love with me- nothing mattered). she loved the way I supported her with everything I had. I fell completely in love after a couple months. She was so vulnerable to me, I loved it, I never took advantage of it, I loved her being all over me. I admit, I was pretty clingy here and there as the relationship went on. I was protective. I told her that she shouldn't go hang out with a certain friend of hers that I don't like, because this 'friend' of hers, always was trying to convince her to break up with me, because I was a loser, didn't drink, didn't 'have fun'. this friend of hers was just a few months younger than her, and dropped out of school, and has a 2 year old, mentally challenged and growing baby. I probably shouldn't have told her to do this.. do that. but it was for her good, I loved her so much, I didn't want her to go back to her old life. and we had amazing conversations,all the time. she was over at my house allllllll the time, spent the night on weekends here and there. but the best thing was about after 5-6 months of being together.... we woke up.. texted eachother .. as if we were a married couple, asking eachother what were we going to do today. as if we didn't care about eachothers plans, we were both always doing everything together. It was so amazing, I loved her so much. But... on Christmas break, her sisters came up - ages 22, and 25, really nice girls, nothing like her- they were a lot smarter and wise. (meaning they didn't go out and drink during high school, theyre both in big collages successful) and... xmas night, they drank just a little, and I found out my ex did too.. I found out, didn't bug me too much, just a little. (because it was with her family) Then after that.... she'd come over like normal... and the cuddling would stop.... the kissing would slow down... the hugs were rare, I would break down inside every time this happened. eventually I ended up asking her whats wrong. she never would say. I ended up coming over the same couple weeks her sisters were visiting, and saw her talking to her ex on fb. (this ex has a lot of money, hes my age, his dad owns a big company.. hes got nice stuff, spoiled) bla bla... and.... after our 9th month together, she said she missed her old life... the drinking... My heart broke, right then and there. She said it wasn't going to work. then the next day, ididnt sleep, or eat anything that night. same problem I had when I was with my first relationship. but also knowing she might just be having a space issue. we texted eachother all day, figting, then all good, fighting then all good... etc. getting 'back together' like 2 or 3 times that day. Finally she came over that night... we talked.... worked it out. I loved it so much... BUT... as we were ready to go to do this thing with her family that day, (Friday) she looked at me in the mirror (while I was getting ready as well) and said while straightening her hair, in a quiet voice, "so does this mean I cant go to ____'s house next week and drink?" ___ being her ex. My heart couldn't take it anymore, I felt as if this drinking was back with her and I wasn't there anymore. I sat there beside her and cried. she eventually told me, very suspiciously that she wouldn't go drink with him... Then.. she asked to get on my facebook and see the messages, because all day shes been thinkin I was 'talking to other girls'. (this is what caused the fights that day) So of course.. everything was good between us, I wasn't hiding anything of course, and she looked at them. No surprise she said, ok I feel better. ..then... I asked, so let me look at yours now..? this was when my heart was broke for good, from being any better, she responded, ''...no'' (in a quiet voice) I said ... why? - she said, "because..." I eventually had to ask her a few times before she came out with it... she said, while turning away, "ive been talking to ___ (her ex) about getting back together" I started crying again. I said, ok. we continued to get her stuff out of my room, and I helped her bring it all to her car. gave her a hug, said goodbye. cried. and cried. called some friends went down to his house. didn't do much... came back home and broke down.. knowing that this love of mine, wont be in my room anymore... It's been so depressing, I don't have any friends close, there all 45 minutes or more away, so its very hard. my family is supportive, but going up to talk to them is impossible sometimes because i have alot of little brothers that wont leave them alone. I have a whole summer to work alone, with noone to talk to, to work before I head to collage... I just want to know what I can do to help heal... thank you for reading this, I appreciate it so much. please help?? Awh huni, I am very sorry you are feeling this pain. You guys are so very different. I give her credit for putting in the effort to not drink/smoke etc. Obviously she cares/cared but the reality is good or bad, that isn't who she is and can't do that for you any longer. It doesnt matter that it would be good for her, she can't do it and to be honest she shouldnt have to. If you cant accept her for her to the extent that she feels she has to lie or hide things then its never going to work. She was the wrong gal from the get go but I know that doesnt help with the emotions. We fall for who we fall for.....even older folks like me. On the flip side, you need to find someone that respects your position if it is not something you let slide. Lotsa folks don't drink or smoke...although in your age bracket many are or have experiment. In dating it can certainly be a deal breaker but be careful not to judge people based on it...make sense. As far as healing, lean on your family. And since you had some pretty serious depression before, get theraphy if at all possible. Seriously, any thoughts to the extreme, any urge to cut...get help. The loneliness sucks, I know. Reach out and try to make friends as best you can.
HaveFaithxx Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. I used to cut myself too, when I was younger and at a very low point in my life. You really need to get professional help. If you want to talk to someone about it, Im here. Wanting someone to never drink is a really big thing if it is something they like to do. You can't expect someone to make major changes in order to be with you. They will not be happy and neither will you. My ex did that to me, and I tried to change to be with him, and it just fell apart. He was always disappointed in me, and I felt like I was not being myself. If you want to be with someone who doesn't drink at all or smoke, then you need to find someone who doesn't do that to begin with. You can't be with someone who will try to change for you, especially when it's something they like to do. In the beginning, we will do anything for love, when we are in that infactuation stage. But we can't keep up with it in the long run. The other thing is if you compromise. Maybe even if you don't like drinking at all, you could be with someone who likes to drink once in awhile? Like have a few drinks with their friends on a friday night? Or perhaps only at big events like birthdays and weddings? Obviously a "party girl" who wants to hit the bars every friday and saturday night would not work, but somewhere inbetween?
Author thoughtsofheaven Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Awh huni, I am very sorry you are feeling this pain. You guys are so very different. I give her credit for putting in the effort to not drink/smoke etc. Obviously she cares/cared but the reality is good or bad, that isn't who she is and can't do that for you any longer. It doesnt matter that it would be good for her, she can't do it and to be honest she shouldnt have to. If you cant accept her for her to the extent that she feels she has to lie or hide things then its never going to work. She was the wrong gal from the get go but I know that doesnt help with the emotions. We fall for who we fall for.....even older folks like me. On the flip side, you need to find someone that respects your position if it is not something you let slide. Lotsa folks don't drink or smoke...although in your age bracket many are or have experiment. In dating it can certainly be a deal breaker but be careful not to judge people based on it...make sense. As far as healing, lean on your family. And since you had some pretty serious depression before, get theraphy if at all possible. Seriously, any thoughts to the extreme, any urge to cut...get help. The loneliness sucks, I know. Reach out and try to make friends as best you can. Thank you so much, this means a lot! I just hope she can realize that I was the better approach, and shes going to have a hard time knowing that she left out. I'm not taking her back. thank you
Author thoughtsofheaven Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I am so sorry you are going through this. I used to cut myself too, when I was younger and at a very low point in my life. You really need to get professional help. If you want to talk to someone about it, Im here. Wanting someone to never drink is a really big thing if it is something they like to do. You can't expect someone to make major changes in order to be with you. They will not be happy and neither will you. My ex did that to me, and I tried to change to be with him, and it just fell apart. He was always disappointed in me, and I felt like I was not being myself. If you want to be with someone who doesn't drink at all or smoke, then you need to find someone who doesn't do that to begin with. You can't be with someone who will try to change for you, especially when it's something they like to do. In the beginning, we will do anything for love, when we are in that infactuation stage. But we can't keep up with it in the long run. The other thing is if you compromise. Maybe even if you don't like drinking at all, you could be with someone who likes to drink once in awhile? Like have a few drinks with their friends on a friday night? Or perhaps only at big events like birthdays and weddings? Obviously a "party girl" who wants to hit the bars every friday and saturday night would not work, but somewhere inbetween? That is very true, I cant be with someone who is someone I don't know or want. If she cant secure her being herself, and keep it that way, then it's no use even trying. She'd have to change totally for anything to change. but I'm not taking her back. I have support from a couple of friends to keep me from getting walked all over again. And it's getting better.
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