courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I'm at a point in my life where I need some objective opinions; an outside, neutral point of view. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I'm 25 and he's 21. I feel some tension in our relationship and I'm starting to question his commitment. I love him, and there's no doubt in my mind that I want to be with him. Of course I'd like to believe that he wants to stay for the long run too, but I also have to think about if this is what he wants. If it isn't, I need to accept it and get on with my life. I am 25 and don't exactly have alot of time on my side. We've been having some issues and now I'm confused. A little bit about us... - We've lived together for over a year - I've met his family & extended family. I'm included in his family vacations, holidays, etc. I'm pretty much a part of his family. (They even bought me a new car). - He makes no effort to meet my family and has said he doesn't plan on it. I had to remind him of my mom's name. - He includes me in his future. We just moved to a new city together and he includes my opinion when considering our next move. He often says "we" and "our" when talking about the future. He talks about us having kids and buying a house one day. - He often says he doesn't want a girlfriend and if we weren't together, he would never settle down with anyone. - He also says I'm the only girl he would want to marry. - He refuses to post pictures of me online. I asked him to post one, and he took it down a week later. He says there a certain parts of his life he likes to keep private. - He doesn't really like for me to hang out with his friends. I have met most of them but I never, ever do things with them together. They are mostly very immature. The only exception is his best friend, who isn't part of his 'normal' group. He's a good guy, and my boyfriend values his opinion. He cares about his approval of me. - He hasn't really met any of my friends, and doesn't show any interest in meeting them. - He does alot of things that he knows I'm not comfortable with. (ex. going to spring break without me bc he's 'young' and that's what his friends do) - But he also goes out of his way to do things that he knows make me happy. He makes it a point to do little things like take me to the movies or out to dinner, or cook out (bc I love that), or buys tickets to concerts I want to see that he doesn't. - We split the bills equally. We take care of each other; I make sure the groceries are bought, he makes sure my car has a full gas tank, etc. I just feel like there are so many mixed signals. I know he's young and I know when I was 21, I wasn't thinking about settling down, so i don't expect that from him right now. But I'm patient and do want that in the future from him. I just don't want to wait that long and then it turned out that he never really saw that in his plans....Thoughts?
mammasita Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Honestly, I didn't even need to read this all the way through. He's 21. I don't think he's ready for a serious commitment based on the things you listed. You're 25, still very young. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 The fact that you are so involved with his life but he won't involve himself in yours is a red flag. My boyfriend doesn't particularly care for my family but he knows how much they mean to me so he sees them. It could just be the age thing, but I could see how tension would form.
Author courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I appreciate the replies. What should I do?
Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 - He makes no effort to meet my family and has said he doesn't plan on it. I had to remind him of my mom's name. - He often says he doesn't want a girlfriend and if we weren't together, he would never settle down with anyone. - He refuses to post pictures of me online. I asked him to post one, and he took it down a week later. He says there a certain parts of his life he likes to keep private. - He hasn't really met any of my friends, and doesn't show any interest in meeting them. These are major red flags...I'd talk to him about it, if he doesn't want to change, be done with him. But he even says HE DOESNT WANT A GIRLFRIEND....he must only see you as a FWB who live together
Author courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 These are major red flags...I'd talk to him about it, if he doesn't want to change, be done with him. But he even says HE DOESNT WANT A GIRLFRIEND....he must only see you as a FWB who live together Yes I do agree these are red flags. But why would he talk about our future together? Tell me he wants to marry me? Make short-term and long-term plans with me? Do you think maybe he does want to settle down with me, when he is ready, but maybe he's just not ready right now?
Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yes I do agree these are red flags. But why would he talk about our future together? Tell me he wants to marry me? Make short-term and long-term plans with me? Do you think maybe he does want to settle down with me, when he is ready, but maybe he's just not ready right now? Perhaps. Maybe he just likes having you around and wants to live the college life until he is ready to settle down. He wants all the perks of being 21 and in college and have you there ready for when he wants to settle down; that's my guess. Have you two talked exclusivity?
Author courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Perhaps. Maybe he just likes having you around and wants to live the college life until he is ready to settle down. He wants all the perks of being 21 and in college and have you there ready for when he wants to settle down; that's my guess. Have you two talked exclusivity? Yes, we have. This is my guess too. He wants to have all the benefits of being 21 and still have me there when he's ready to settle down. I think the mixed signals are bc he wants to be 'grown up' for me but he still wants to be young too. Idk how I really feel about this. A big (patient) part of me cares about him so much that I just want to wait it out until he's ready and of course I'll be here, but I don't know if this would be a big blow to my self-respect.
Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Yes, we have. This is my guess too. He wants to have all the benefits of being 21 and still have me there when he's ready to settle down. I think the mixed signals are bc he wants to be 'grown up' for me but he still wants to be young too. Idk how I really feel about this. A big (patient) part of me cares about him so much that I just want to wait it out until he's ready and of course I'll be here, but I don't know if this would be a big blow to my self-respect. Look, if you're not happy and are not getting what you need, you need to move on. Sometimes two people no matter how much they actually do care about each other, aren't right for each other at a given point in time. Don't wait around for him to grow up and want to be settled down with you and be serious
Author courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Look, if you're not happy and are not getting what you need, you need to move on. Sometimes two people no matter how much they actually do care about each other, aren't right for each other at a given point in time. Don't wait around for him to grow up and want to be settled down with you and be serious I am happy. I just don't want to be years down the road when he wants to settle down and he decides that he wasn't really committed to me to begin with. I came for advice bc I'm wondering if it might be good to leave and give him his space at the risk of losing him for good, stick it out, or maybe I'm just overthinking everything.
Casablanca Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I am happy. I just don't want to be years down the road when he wants to settle down and he decides that he wasn't really committed to me to begin with. I came for advice bc I'm wondering if it might be good to leave and give him his space at the risk of losing him for good, stick it out, or maybe I'm just overthinking everything. I think if he doesn't change ways I'd say leave and give him his space. You're just waiting around for him, and what if he doesnt get there? Maybe he meets someone else on spring break. You might be happy, but would you be happier if he met your family and friends? Or if posted pictures of you instead of hiding them? He does seem to treat you nice, but to me from the outside it doesnt sound like a relationship and he said he doesnt want a girlfriend, yet you said you two are exclusive? Being 21 and you 25, you two are on two different wave lengths in terms of mentality and maturity. I think it would be in your best interest to cut ties and leave, but that is just my advice
FitChick Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 why would he talk about our future together? Tell me he wants to marry me? Make short-term and long-term plans with me? Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. 1
Author courtneyleighhh Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Thanks for all the feedback. I've decided that I need to talk to him and this is what I think I'm going to tell him...any suggestions? "We need to talk. Look I'm sorry that I've been acting weird lately but I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff. I'm not trying to start a fight or anything, I just want to talk to you. I need to know where you're at in this relationship. This isn't about if you care about me or if you love me bc I know you do. I know you love me and you do a lot for me and you go out of your way to make me happy. And I am happy. I mean I love you and I want to be with you. I just need to know if this is what YOU want right now. Bc sometimes I feel like you're not really ready for a relationship. I feel like I'm more committed to this than you are. I know you're 21 and I'm 25. We both knew this when we started dating. I'm not expecting you to settle down at 21, I know I wasn't thinking about that then. I'm not asking for us to get married right now or anything like that. But I do need your commitment. And if you're not ready for that, then it's ok I'm not holding anything against you. I just don't want to hold you back. I don't want you to be in something you're not 100% committed to. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me. If you need to go do your own thing, go for it. When you're ready, if I'm still what you want, come find me, I won't be looking for anybody else."
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