chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) JJA- You are TOTALLY right that the person cheating with the married person is Naive too....they shouldn't be doing it PERIOD. Regardless of if the married person is having sex or not. I didn't take this to be the point of the OP. I thought she was asking why are people who are withholding or starving a significant other of sex surprised when they go elsewhere. That's how I took it. Sorry if I was way off base, but I think it was accurate. Edited January 24, 2013 by chucksagent 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye Blue....You are some hero, right? The guy who tells some person he doesn't even know that his wife is sleeping around on him based on nothing...And JJA applauds that because she doesn't like what I say... Morality....Honor... I was just giving you a taste of your own medicine. You presumed to know everything about the BSs who have posted on this thread - you don't know a da*m thing about ANY of us or our marriages. People have been kind enough to suggest that you need to OPEN YOUR EYES because, like you, they thought they had it made. I certainly did. No, I don't know what either you or your wife are doing. But I can tell you this. Laughing, dates, sex, material things, etc. don't guarantee that infidelity won't happen to you. The only thing that GUARANTEES it is marrying the kind of person who would never cheat, under ANY circumstances. The problem is, we ALL think that we have married that person. You just never know until it happens to you. Be more understanding of these people until you have walked in their shoes. Peace. 2
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye - Thanks for that. I am sorry too. We are above that pettiness. I'm not judging anyone and if I came off like that I didn't mean to. To those of you who still had fun, went out, had sex, then that's just terrible and I hope it doesn't happen to me. That proves that cheating can truly happen to anyone. My posts were ONLY meant for the people who let life get ahead of them and didn't do that stuff we were just talking about (dating, going out, sex, etc.) I only meant as a suggestion that the love between a man and wife should be PARAMOUNT to at least give you a shot at not cheating. Because as you, and Decorative, and a few others said - even a GREAT marriage with those things can result in infidelity. So my point was simply to those people who weren't even having fun or having sex, they really need to try and make that stuff a priority. And I THINK the Original Poster was only talking to those people too. Look at what she first posted, she was asking why people who are in SEXLESS marriages act shocked. Not for people like me, you, Deocrative, etc. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I was in what most would define as a sexless marriage (monthly or less). I have previously explained the efforts I made to rectify that problem (which have apparently been ignored by some on this board). Regardless, I maintained an honorable and moral approach. A lot of good that did. Did I see her cheating coming? No. It's an honest answer. Call me stupid (or naive) if that makes you feel better. The salt in my wound is helping immensely. You're a great person, obviously superior. I hope your crystal ball serves you well. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Little insecure? Bent made a reference to a six figure salary in her post. I was merely teasing her. I would NEVER be jealous of you. I feel sorry for, I pity you. BTW, I am a very well paid attorney. I do just fine. Just for the record....Lol...You did tell everyone you were an attorney...and did brag about "doing just fine." Maybe we aren't that different after all! 1
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I just fail to see the point of "I would have seen it coming." Until you've lived in my shoes, you don't know shi t about it. 2
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) But who has said, "I don't have sex with my spouse."??? WHO HAS SAID THAT?!!!! And I am pretty certain the OP was told by her cheater that he never gets laid at home. I mean, seriously... Who's naive indeed. JJA - Did you bother to read this thing? OP asked people in sexless marriages why they are shocked when the sex deprived partner goes elsewhere to get sex. Then LOTS of people responded...some like you who didn't bother to even critically read the post...and then those who did and tried to explain it. By my count, at least 4 or 5, whereas you in all caps said "WHO ON HERE SAID THEIR SEX WAS LOW?!?!?!" Several people had the guts to admit to that. It's nothing to be ashamed of, happens all the time. But apparently it doesn't matter much, because of lot of you thought you had it good with active sex lives and still got burned. So who knows. Edited January 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 BetrayedH - I probably would NOT have seen it coming either. But I wouldn't have been super surprised if I wasn't sleeping with my wife for months at a time and she was off getting it somewhere else. Human beings have a habit of sating their desires...not honorable...not moral...not religious...but PRACTICAL.
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 BetrayedH - I probably would NOT have seen it coming either. But I wouldn't have been super surprised if I wasn't sleeping with my wife for months at a time and she was off getting it somewhere else. Human beings have a habit of sating their desires...not honorable...not moral...not religious...but PRACTICAL. You wouldn't know if you would be surprised because you haven't been there. 19 years with someone appearing to have the same standards as you tends to be convincing. If anything, under your logic I would have expected that I would be the one cheating considering that my wife was the one refusing sex. But I didn't. To find out that she did was a shock. Again, call it naive if you like but you are working from a position of ignorance and claiming you would be clairvoyant. 2
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 So let me get this straight. What you guys are saying is that nobody cheats because of sexless marriages? There is no way to predict what type of people will cheat? We should all sit on our hands and just accept what the universe thrust at us and not try to find reason in it? 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Sometimes judgmental know-it-all's get cheated on because the significant other can't stand how annoying they are. The kinds who use emoticons when they think they burned someone when really they used inaccurate facts.
screwedovertwenty Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 My husband cheated because of lack of sex. Not no sex, but less sex. What he didn't know was that he pushed me into not wanting it because of the lack of intamacy in our relationship. I tried to talk to him. He didn't listen. He told me it finally hit him, right before he started the affair, that the reason I may not be interested in sex was because of his approach. Unfortunately, instead of discussing it or changing his behavior, he decided to cheat.
BetrayedH Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 So let me get this straight. What you guys are saying is that nobody cheats because of sexless marriages? There is no way to predict what type of people will cheat? We should all sit on our hands and just accept what the universe thrust at us and not try to find reason in it? I didn't say that at all. Does some cheating result from sexless marriages? I'm sure it does. But I think it's vastly overstated as a "cause." The cause of cheating is a cheater's decision to cheat. Something within the cheater allowed them to make an unethical, unhealthy, destructive choice that was likely against their own standards. The OP posed a question to which I provided a legitmate response since I was in the target audience. Then you come along with a bunch of conjecture. As for sitting on our hands, I hardly think that's what's happening here. More useless conjecture. I've been here nearly two years trying to make some sense of it all. The fact is that I wasn't naive but quite effectively deceived. It wasn't about me. As you aptly pointed out, "that's on her." 2
chucksagent Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 BetrayedH - didn't mean to single you out...I don't know your life or your journey. I just know a lot of people who let life be an excuse to put their relationship with their wife/husband in the back seat. I was merely speaking to those that let that happen...they should never put bull**** ahead of their marriage/intimicy/sex. You can call it conjecture all you want, but therapists make a good dollar trying to convince people and show people how to NOT let that happen because of how big of a problem it can be. 1
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 And you are telling this to a group of BS's, or x-BS's, who you called naive, for what purpose exactly? 1. I didn't call anyone naive. I asked a question that most of the people responding can't apparently handle. 2. I was responding to a previous response about my relationship.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I think you guys are being unfair to OtherWoman1971. I honestly do. Allowing your foundation of your house to erode and then being SURPRISED when the whole house collapses in on itself is Naive...I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. THANK YOU! The original question was about the surprise factor and I appreciate you getting that. I have a feeling I could have asked this question as a BS and gotten more honest feedback. Apparently my status as an OW was too much to take.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 AND, for the record, Otherwoman1971 HAS NO DEFENSE. There is no defense to cheating OR to being the other woman/man. It's a sumbag move to be EITHER person and anyone with honor or morals would never do that....simple as that. But we live in a country with no morals and few people with honor. So we shouldn't be surprised when we see it unfortunately I've never tried to have a defense. At the same time, I stand behind my actions. While I realize morality is a very personal issue for most, I've learned to live and let live. No one lives my life and knows my motivations. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, neither is my MM. Yes, his wife will never know I was a factor in their divorce, but I wasn't the reason her husband looked outside their marriage. That marriage was long over before we met. Before the bashing returns, this is the situation in his and my marriage. It may not have been in yours but it was here. Yes, most will say it still doesn't excuse the affair but it made all the difference in the world to us. Live in a dead marriage for years and see how you fare. Both of us did.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 But if people know she is just trying to drum up a war to get attention, why not just ignore her like you would ignore a screaming child? Lol. I don't need attention. I was looking for honest opinions because I would not have been shocked to discover my husband cheating in my sexless marriage. I don't know if he ultimately did but I would not have been surprised.
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 But who has said, "I don't have sex with my spouse."??? WHO HAS SAID THAT?!!!! And I am pretty certain the OP was told by her cheater that he never gets laid at home. I mean, seriously... Who's naive indeed. I saw numerous emails between my MM and his wife specifically addressing their non-existent sex life. As much as you want to say all the BS's on this board had healthy sex lives and still got cheated on, there are plenty of sexless marriages. Again, not saying that justifies an affair. Food for thought.... Having sex with your spouse doesn't make it satisfying either. Intimacy is a whole other ball game that doesn't necessary to hand in hand with sex. I'm a great many things but naive isn't one of them. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I am just so thankful to have an (active and unremorseful) OW and someone (an attorney, no less) with no experience with marital infidelity here to help guide us. Otherwise, how would any of us ever have known that sexual frequency or intimacy issues in a marriage could indicate marital problems? Whew. Please go on. 3
chucksagent Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Wow Betrayed...Well said...Makes it sound like anyone who couldn't grasp that would be...dare I say...NAIVE.....Lol.
Decorative Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I am just so thankful to have an (active and unremorseful) OW and someone (an attorney, no less) with no experience with marital infidelity here to help guide us. Otherwise, how would any of us ever have known that sexual frequency or intimacy issues in a marriage could indicate marital problems? Whew. Please go on. Be careful. According to one of those people, an attitude like that will end up with you getting cheated on. LOL 3
chucksagent Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 It's the only thing left to penetrate the brain when common sense seems to fall short. And you guys opened that door yesterday and then today with constant childish sarcasm.
BetrayedH Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Be careful. According to one of those people, an attitude like that will end up with you getting cheated on. LOL Before they came along, I was just bitter and naive. Now I am enlightened. The WS wanted more and better sex and went and got it. It's that simple. I don't know how I missed that before. Everybody does that 18 years into a committed relationship. 1
chucksagent Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Insulting people is never the answer... and the sarcasm is from people who know their own stories and look how someone who hasn't been there and tell them how things actually happened in their life... We all here have done a very strong analysis of our situation, we all know we made mistakes, and we know that our marriage was not always perfect but... and get this very clear.... we didn't have any part taking in our spouse affair! That was just and exclusive decision of our marvelous cheating partners! Where we naive because we didn't expect it to happen? Hell no! I would have put my life in a bet for my wife because I trusted her and I never EVER thought she would be able to do something like that.... but ehhh... if you know better .... what can we do? You people are amazing. Lol. What do you think a therapist would say? Look in the mirror at what the reality was and what could have been different...OR...There there child, you did nothing, it was 100% your partners fault. Lol. Again, tell yourselves what you need to sleep at night, but I think anybody who is ok with having little to no sex in their marriage SHOULD BE aware of possible cheating...doesn't justify it, doesn't make it right, STILL horrible AND wrong....But from my perspective, the ancient chinese saying often times rings true: "if you ain't getting it, someone else is..." It's no different than people who get lazy at work and then are surprised when they get fired. "But my boss seemed ok with me screwing around on Facebook and not working hard for years...for having messed up priorities...What changed?!?" Ummmm maybe the boss found someone else who was willing to ignore Facebook and make the company a priority again?!? Again....common sense. 2
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