chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 As an addendum: Perhaps a BIG issue here is that EVERYONE has different standards for their sex life. Maybe me and Otherwoman1971 REALLY enjoy sex and know that if we were only having it once a month or once a year WE would be thinking WTF. Whereas there are PLENTY of people who just DO NOT want to have sex frequently. In which case, I can see your guys point that "lack of sex was never an issue, why now?" In that case, maybe not Naive, because you've established a precedent. To me, if I went a month without sex ONCE, I would make a HUGE deal to my wife and tell her that I don't want this to happen again, what are we doing wrong, what can we do to make things better? Therefore, going forward, if it keeps happening or getting worse, the writing will be on the wall for me.
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 AND, for the record, Otherwoman1971 HAS NO DEFENSE. There is no defense to cheating OR to being the other woman/man. It's a sumbag move to be EITHER person and anyone with honor or morals would never do that....simple as that. But we live in a country with no morals and few people with honor. So we shouldn't be surprised when we see it unfortunately
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I'm not being unfair at all. As an actual betrayed spouse, who has been on these type of forums for years, and has studied the subject for understanding- I totally understand what she's doing . It's clear. Quite clear. That's why she gets these reactions. She's not filling those of us who have been through the war. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 But if people know she is just trying to drum up a war to get attention, why not just ignore her like you would ignore a screaming child? Lol.
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Because this is the Internet. What fun would there be if we ignored people who come on? LOL 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 And being MARRIED isn't some safe zone where you say: "Phew, we both said our vows. Now I can be lazy and not try and focus on the kids and not have sex with her and she HAS to love me blindly and never stray because we are married!" Maybe it's because of seeing what happened to my own parents and I, a 20 year old kid at the time, could SEE the mistakes they were making. And now I read the same crap on here ALL the time about people making the SAME mistakes. It's like a recording, "I love my child, he/she had to come first. Had to take him to soccer, had to work late, had to catch my favorite TV program, etc." I am trained to spot BS in a professional capacity, and that is some EPIC BS. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 LOL well said Decorative... Maybe I'm not being empathetic enough. It really does suck. That doing everything right could lead to getting cheated on. My only contention is that ALL that other BS that you consider "right" is the LEAST "right" thing there is. If you REALLY wanted to do the "right" thing, you would have carefully nurtured the love and passion between you and your wife/husband. Men and women can be brutal. My step-Dad built my Mom a $24,000.00 kitchen. The following winter, he wanted a $400.00 snow blower, and my Mom was like "we can't afford it." And I remember thinking, WOW. My Mom is a B! She was tough to live with...she's been married a few times. But my Step father was ALSO tough. He would be crazy over stuff like waking early Saturday to cut grass. As though the lawn ferries would appear Saturday at 9am with or without us to cut the grass...and heaven forbid we missed the opportunity! Lol. Bottom line...they were GREAT parents...My brother and I had GREAT lives...they always put us first...But there were TONS of times they should have put each other first. 1
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 LOL well said Decorative... Maybe I'm not being empathetic enough. It really does suck. That doing everything right could lead to getting cheated on. My only contention is that ALL that other BS that you consider "right" is the LEAST "right" thing there is. If you REALLY wanted to do the "right" thing, you would have carefully nurtured the love and passion between you and your wife/husband. Men and women can be brutal. My step-Dad built my Mom a $24,000.00 kitchen. The following winter, he wanted a $400.00 snow blower, and my Mom was like "we can't afford it." And I remember thinking, WOW. My Mom is a B! She was tough to live with...she's been married a few times. But my Step father was ALSO tough. He would be crazy over stuff like waking early Saturday to cut grass. As though the lawn ferries would appear Saturday at 9am with or without us to cut the grass...and heaven forbid we missed the opportunity! Lol. Bottom line...they were GREAT parents...My brother and I had GREAT lives...they always put us first...But there were TONS of times they should have put each other first. Listen- have the nurturing the marriage conversation with people who chose not to do so. That's not the case in many, many affairs. We had sex all the time. I adored my spouse. I took great care of him. He was the over benefitted partner. So what advice do you have for posters like me? I can think of ten off the top of my head- just like me- who replied to this thread. So be careful what you are "warning" and advising about. I am living proof ( and there are also psychological perspectives on it- you should google the term)- that doing what you say we should do to guard our marriages doesn't work. So, um, yeah. 3
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 And being MARRIED isn't some safe zone where you say: "Phew, we both said our vows. Now I can be lazy and not try and focus on the kids and not have sex with her and she HAS to love me blindly and never stray because we are married!" Maybe it's because of seeing what happened to my own parents and I, a 20 year old kid at the time, could SEE the mistakes they were making. And now I read the same crap on here ALL the time about people making the SAME mistakes. It's like a recording, "I love my child, he/she had to come first. Had to take him to soccer, had to work late, had to catch my favorite TV program, etc." I am trained to spot BS in a professional capacity, and that is some EPIC BS. Wow. I hope you never get cheated on. It hurts when you fall off the high horse. I know. I used to be there. 2
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 To people like you, I would say I am sorry. And that you probably just married a bad person. No different than you can be killed while driving a car...or struck my lightning...or have a heart attack... Sometimes BAD things happen. And why the heck are you even responding then?!?! She asked about people who WERE NOT having sex or intimacy. So then YOU do not apply. I am speaking to THOSE who weren't being intimate and got cheated on. SHEESH.
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 To people like you, I would say I am sorry. And that you probably just married a bad person. No different than you can be killed while driving a car...or struck my lightning...or have a heart attack... Sometimes BAD things happen. And why the heck are you even responding then?!?! She asked about people who WERE NOT having sex or intimacy. So then YOU do not apply. I am speaking to THOSE who weren't being intimate and got cheated on. SHEESH. Here's the thing? I did not marry a bad person. That's why you should pay attention to the thread. The posters who have responded, and take a step back and a breath- and really understand what they are saying. I see what you are doing. I totally get it. It's the "it could never happen to me dance". I understand. Completely. The problem is? It could. 4
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Decorative, maybe THIS is why you got cheated on. You can't focus. A) I said I HAD been cheated on. B.) I'm not on a high horse just giving some perspective. C.) I know you KNOW it all but maybe listening to others could help in the future. D.) Why are you taking what I say to heart when I was advising people who ADMITTED THERE WAS NO INTIMACY. The original poster Otherwoman1971 was referring to people with no sex life being shocked. You just bragged about your sex life, so where do you fit into this? 2
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 To people like you, I would say I am sorry. And that you probably just married a bad person. No different than you can be killed while driving a car...or struck my lightning...or have a heart attack... Sometimes BAD things happen. And why the heck are you even responding then?!?! She asked about people who WERE NOT having sex or intimacy. So then YOU do not apply. I am speaking to THOSE who weren't being intimate and got cheated on. SHEESH. By the logic you just used- you should not have replied to this thread, either. LOL 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 i'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but i have to ask.... I've read a lot here and the ow/om board about naive aps. While i realize cheating is a betrayal, for those bs's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? decorative what are you talking about?!?! I've been cheated on. This whole post is about people who gave up on the sex life. Pay attention!!!!
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Decorative, maybe THIS is why you got cheated on. You can't focus. A) I said I HAD been cheated on. B.) I'm not on a high horse just giving some perspective. C.) I know you KNOW it all but maybe listening to others could help in the future. D.) Why are you taking what I say to heart when I was advising people who ADMITTED THERE WAS NO INTIMACY. The original poster Otherwoman1971 was referring to people with no sex life being shocked. You just bragged about your sex life, so where do you fit into this? That's why I got cheated on? Nice. You're going on ignore. Good riddance. You have zero idea how you are coming across. And if this is how you react after having been cheated on? The sum total of posts on this thread- not just to me? Oy. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Decorative: You attacked the original poster and then you attacked me. That's why I said Maybe that's why you got cheated on. The original poster CLEARLY spells out "This doesn't justify cheating." I clearly spell out "I'm speaking to the people who stopped having sex and stopping dating and having fun." Then you come back pretending you are Superman "My sex life was great, our relationship was great, blah blah blah" Well this post isn't WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT...go there if you want to talk about cheating in general. This post was about "WHY DO PEOPLE WHO GET CHEATED ON ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY NO LONGER HAVE SEX?!?!"
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 No Decorative, you are right...Nothing is your fault...No need for self reflection or MERE CONSIDERATION of why things happen. Keep going through life like that and I'm sure nothing bad will ever happen again. Just keep blaming the original poster, blame me, blame your ex....no accountability. 2
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Um, I was surprised. I thought people who had a happy marriage and lots of sex were not at risk for an affair. Turns out? not true! Amazing, right? And why should I take responsibility for his bad choices. I'm awesome, , but I'm not all powerful. I cannot make other people do things . That was your FIRST response on Page one....I would assume you could read, so how is your response in ANY WAY a response to her question? I want you to read what she posted and then read your response and tell me how that is answering her question. She asks how someone with no intimacy can be shocked. You then retort with you have a happy marriage and tons of sex. And you don't want to take responsibility for his bad choices. She never ASKED even NON SEXUAL relationships to take responsibility. She simply said HOW CAN YOU BE SURPRISED. Do you really not see the difference here?
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 No Decorative, you are right...Nothing is your fault...No need for self reflection or MERE CONSIDERATION of why things happen. Keep going through life like that and I'm sure nothing bad will ever happen again. Just keep blaming the original poster, blame me, blame your ex....no accountability. Listen Chuckie, I tried very hard to stay out of this conversation, but you have crossed too many lines. Arrogant attorneys like you are the reason that attorney jokes were born. As far as you and your wife laughing together....wake up. She is laughing AT you, not WITH you. And I'm betting that she's got a secret. 2
Decorative Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 I don't have an ex, Chuck. ( oh the loophole created when you can see a quote. LOL )
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Wonderful post. I only disagree in the fact our experiences are different. Everyone I know who has been married 20+ years put God first, valued and practiced honesty and respect. Put their family and the protection of that family above all things and still make mistakes. They communicate and work through issues, sometimes with outside help. While I agree that the spouses and the marriage are the initial relationship...it does become an extended relationship that effects everyone. Date night is a great idea. Along with telling your partner you feel like cheating. Both offer the partner the opportunity to have input which equals respect of the others role in the relationship. Just re-reading through things... Amazing Post by Bentnotbroken as usual... Wow...just Wow...I wish we could somehow start a MORAL movement in this country. Get people back caring about one another and caring about right and wrong. Great post! 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Decorative - Your husband cheated on you and you stayed with him? Bluewhatever - Yeah attorney jokes are great...so is my house, my car, my wife, my office, my mini fridge in my office, the privacy of my office, my salary, and not dreading work on Sunday afternoons and nights like most people. Lol. So yeah, I do a lot of laughing in my life. And if my wife is cheating on me, that's on her brother... That's on her soul and her to deal with in this world or the next. I do the right thing so I can sleep at night. You do whatever you need to in order to feel right brother. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Listen Chuckie, I tried very hard to stay out of this conversation, but you have crossed too many lines. Arrogant attorneys like you are the reason that attorney jokes were born. As far as you and your wife laughing together....wake up. She is laughing AT you, not WITH you. And I'm betting that she's got a secret. You imply my wife is cheating on me based on ZERO empirical evidence...and then two people LIKE that status just because I have said some umpopular things... And you WONDER why you people got cheated on? Wow, I can't imagine why. You all seem like such moral and good people. Chuck doesn't tell us what we want to hear, so we better tear him down and mock him. That all makes a lot of sense guys. I bet all 3 of you are highly educated and moral people.
buckeyeblue Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Decorative - Your husband cheated on you and you stayed with him? Bluewhatever - Yeah attorney jokes are great...so is my house, my car, my wife, my office, my mini fridge in my office, the privacy of my office, my salary, and not dreading work on Sunday afternoons and nights like most people. Lol. So yeah, I do a lot of laughing in my life. And if my wife is cheating on me, that's on her brother... That's on her soul and her to deal with in this world or the next. I do the right thing so I can sleep at night. You do whatever you need to in order to feel right brother. First, I am not your brother (thank God for the small blessings, right?). Second, I am an attorney myself - hence the reference. I just don't like to admit it most of the time. Yeah, I like the big paycheck and all the material stuff, too, but it's not at the top of my list. Honesty is. As far as sleeping well at night....I am not surprised. Most litigation attorneys that I know don't have much of a conscience. 1
chucksagent Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Buckeye Blue....You are some hero, right? The guy who tells some person he doesn't even know that his wife is sleeping around on him based on nothing...And JJA applauds that because she doesn't like what I say... Morality....Honor...
Recommended Posts