Who's naive?

[OtherWoman1971]

I'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but I have to ask....

 

I've read a lot here and the OW/OM board about naive APs. While I realize cheating is a betrayal, for those BS's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? Seriously, if you decided you don't need sex, or rarely want it, how can you be surprised when your spouse looks for sex, and quite frankly, intimacy on other levels, elsewhere?

 

Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts?

[ComingInHot]

I hear you saying a few things here.

- that BS's don't take responsibility for what's wrong in the marriage

-that BS's feel all/most OW/OM are naive

 

IF f I'm on track...

 

I would like to suggest you read LS More.

Me personally, I think an AP could be naive if they are young & w/out life experience

 

I would rather the AP be naive have Some innocense (sp?) Than know an A is harmful & destructive and still engage.

 

As far as the no sex or emotional needs being met, well, re-read Alice's post.

[OtherWoman1971]

Many OW justify having an affair because the MM tells her the wife lost interest in sex - just like your MM told you.

 

I'm sure if he told you that they had an active sex life, you wouldn't be too happy about hearing that. Some OW go crazy thinking about their MM having sex with his wife and then they give MM problems.

 

The best way to find out the answer to your question would be to contact MM's wife and ask her if they still have sex.

 

Because for you to believe your MM and his wife don't have sex, that would be . . . well . . . naive.

 

So are you saying all married men are having sex with their wives? That's absolutely false. Speaking for myself, I stopped having sex with my STBX years ago. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had gotten a girlfriend. It wasn't my reason for stopping the sexual part of our marriage but I actually hoped he'd find someone else. No such luck.

 

You still didn't answer my original question Alice. As with the lack of surprise tone of my question, I'm not surprised you took the opportunity to slam me instead. Bravo!!!

[Decorative]

I'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but I have to ask....

 

I've read a lot here and the OW/OM board about naive APs. While I realize cheating is a betrayal, for those BS's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? Seriously, if you decided you don't need sex, or rarely want it, how can you be surprised when your spouse looks for sex, and quite frankly, intimacy on other levels, elsewhere?

 

Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts?

 

Um, I was surprised. I thought people who had a happy marriage and lots of sex were not at risk for an affair. Turns out? not true! Amazing, right?

 

And why should I take responsibility for his bad choices.

 

I'm awesome, , but I'm not all powerful. I cannot make other people do things .

[Decorative]

So are you saying all married men are having sex with their wives? That's absolutely false. Speaking for myself, I stopped having sex with my STBX years ago. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had gotten a girlfriend. It wasn't my reason for stopping the sexual part of our marriage but I actually hoped he'd find someone else. No such luck.

 

You still didn't answer my original question Alice. As with the lack of surprise tone of my question, I'm not surprised you took the opportunity to slam me instead. Bravo!!!

 

So because you chose not to have sex with your spouse you think you're normal?

 

I cannot imagine a marriage without a full and rich sex life. I love my spouse and am highly attracted to him.

 

Don't project your choices onto others.

[OtherWoman1971]

 

As far as the no sex or emotional needs being met, well, re-read Alice's post.

 

Again, there are a lot of marriages with little or no sex happening. Let's also bear in mind the considerable difference between allowing your spouse to have sex with you versus making them feel desired.

[OtherWoman1971]

So because you chose not to have sex with your spouse you think you're normal?

 

I cannot imagine a marriage without a full and rich sex life. I love my spouse and am highly attracted to him.

 

Don't project your choices onto others.

 

I'm not projecting on anyone else. I know I'm not in the minority and simply shared my experience.

 

While you can't imagine not having a full and rich sex life, many people don't. That's a fact.

[OtherWoman1971]

Um, I was surprised. I thought people who had a happy marriage and lots of sex were not at risk for an affair. Turns out? not true! Amazing, right?

 

And why should I take responsibility for his bad choices.

 

I'm awesome, , but I'm not all powerful. I cannot make other people do things .

 

I realize that also happens and my original question is not directed at your situation. I'm referring to spouses who do NOT have sex with their spouses or under rare circumstances.

 

I'm not asking anyone to take responsibility. I asked about being surprised. That doesn't equate to taking responsibility.

[ComingInHot]

otherwoman;

I do agree w/you*

 

I think what I'm doing here is (and my apologies) sharing my own experience and grouping in others experiences that are similar.

 

But even so, I believe cheating is not a solution to whatever is wrong in the M. It is SO hurtful. It devestated me when my husband cheated. When all was said and done and to this day he professes to anyone there was only one thing wrong in our happy marriage, him.

[eleanorrigby]

I'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but I have to ask....

 

I've read a lot here and the OW/OM board about naive APs. While I realize cheating is a betrayal, for those BS's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? Seriously, if you decided you don't need sex, or rarely want it, how can you be surprised when your spouse looks for sex, and quite frankly, intimacy on other levels, elsewhere?

 

Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts?

 

Lack of sex wasn't our problem but I was shocked to find out he was cheating, so maybe I was a bit naive.

[SidLyon]

With the benefit of hindsight I (as a BW) was naive in thinking that he would not look elsewhere given that the frequency of our sex life had lessened with the advent of children and family responsibilities. It never ever stopped, just reduced.

 

He claims he never actually told the OW that sex between us stopped, but that he said a number of things that would have given her the impression that, sex had stopped and he was too ashamed to come out and actually say it. I expect (from what he's told me) that if she'd wanted to discuss it with him then he would have lied and said we never had sex.

 

I have little respect for most OWs, but I do concede that many are naive and fall for several fairly common lies told them by MM about the marriage and BW. After all I believed his lies so why wouldn't an OW. The difference is of course that the OW knew he was a cheat and a lier.

 

My utmost sympathy to any OW who were lied to about the guy being married though.

[ComingInHot]

otherwoman;

I just re-read your post and misread it before. I humbly bow out as it doesn't apply to me.

[Decorative]

I realize that also happens and my original question is not directed at your situation. I'm referring to spouses who do NOT have sex with their spouses or under rare circumstances.

 

I'm not asking anyone to take responsibility. I asked about being surprised. That doesn't equate to taking responsibility.

 

I'm sorry - didn't you talk about taking responsibility in your original post?

 

Or did I misread that? Or did you mean something different?

[OtherWoman1971]

I'm sorry - didn't you talk about taking responsibility in your original post?

 

Or did I misread that? Or did you mean something different?

 

My original question was not meant to infer a BS should take responsibility for the cheating. I was asking if a BS spouse could be surprised if they weren't interested in the sexual aspect of their marriages.

[seren]

It takes two people to make and sustain a sexual, intimate relationship, just as it takes two to make a successful marriage. A marriage is not all about sex, it is complex and multi layered, if a marriage or any relationship is to succeed it takes both to talk and look at the why's, very often this doesn't happen when there is a period of no sex, very few celibate relationships are because just one decided to stop. Were I an AP, I think I would find it very insulting to think that I had been approached simply to fill a sexual need. As a BS, I would also pack my H's bags if he had stepped outside our marriage simply for sex.

 

I had chemo and our sexual relationship dipped for around 6 months while I had treatment, the intimacy not so, had H not felt able to not understand that he would have had my foot behind him as he exited our marriage. There is a whole world of difference between not having sex and a person witholding sex - it takes two to Tango, as they say. I really don't think it is as simple as the BS not wanting sex and the couple not having a sexual relationship. If this did happen and the WS had tried to address it and the BS had said, they did not want a sexual relationship, then I would hope the WS had the balls to either say it was not acceptable and lay down their needs, as in I will get it elsewhere or I will leave.

 

Nothing excuses an A, what goes on within a marriage is between a husband and wife, if either aren't happy, they should discuss it and if it isn't what they want or need, leave or explain they will be exploring another relationship or getting it where they can. This allows the other to make an informed choice.

[SidLyon]

...I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts?

 

Just re-read this part of the opening post. Still not sure if I've read it properly, so here goes...

 

It might seem unusual to you, but although I knew there were some troubles in our marriage and that I was responsible for my part in these troubles (including a reduced sex life), I was nevertheless totally blindsided and devastated when I found out about his infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

I'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but I have to ask....

 

I've read a lot here and the OW/OM board about naive APs. While I realize cheating is a betrayal, for those BS's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? Seriously, if you decided you don't need sex, or rarely want it, how can you be surprised when your spouse looks for sex, and quite frankly, intimacy on other levels, elsewhere?

 

Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts?

 

You've been on LS less than 3 months. trust me there are TONS of threads that show many BS's DO accept responsibility of their share of problems in the marriage. And MOST who can't or don't have sex, or little sex with their spouses, certainly don't think that their spouse is going to go look for it elsewhere. Obviously it happens - But hey, good ol' communication has to happen too. This shouldn't be put on the BS's shoulders. If a spouse who isn't getting laid at ALL chooses to handle it by cheating, that is on THEM, the CS. NOT the BS. The CS can TALK to his/her husband/wife and let them know how unhappy they are. Ask for an open marriage, ask for counseling to fix things or hey, even divorce. Putting blame and responsibility on a BS for a CS cheating is ridiculous. sorry but it is.

[Decorative]

My original question was not meant to infer a BS should take responsibility for the cheating. I was asking if a BS spouse could be surprised if they weren't interested in the sexual aspect of their marriages.

 

Ah. Gotcha.

 

I say yes. Because I would expect my spouse would talk to me about it, or divorce me, not devastate me by lying and cheating.

[OtherWoman1971]

So you just hoped he get himself a gf after you cut him off? Quite passive aggressive of you. A lot of mp's are passive aggressive, your actions regarding that aspect toward your husband illustrate it quite well.

 

Curiously........if you wanted him to get himself a g/f, why didn't you just tell him to?

 

Reread what I wrote. I said I ended my sexual relationship for other reasons. My marriage lacked intimacy outside if sex so the progression was natural. After that, I did hope he get a girlfriend so the marriage could end. I did tell him to get a girlfriend...Every time he tried to initiate sex.

[OtherWoman1971]

You've been on LS less than 3 months. trust me there are TONS of threads that show many BS's DO accept responsibility of their share of problems in the marriage. And MOST who can't or don't have sex, or little sex with their spouses, certainly don't think that their spouse is going to go look for it elsewhere. Obviously it happens - But hey, good ol' communication has to happen too. This shouldn't be put on the BS's shoulders. If a spouse who isn't getting laid at ALL chooses to handle it by cheating, that is on THEM, the CS. NOT the BS. The CS can TALK to his/her husband/wife and let them know how unhappy they are. Ask for an open marriage, ask for counseling to fix things or hey, even divorce. Putting blame and responsibility on a BS for a CS cheating is ridiculous. sorry but it is.

 

Again, reread my OP. I specifically wrote responsibility for the troubles in the marriage, not the cheating.

[Decorative]

Reread what I wrote. I said I ended my sexual relationship for other reasons. My marriage lacked intimacy outside if sex so the progression was natural. After that, I did hope he get a girlfriend so the marriage could end. I did tell him to get a girlfriend...Every time he tried to initiate sex.

 

Why did you hope for deceit? Why didn't you file for divorce?

[OtherWoman1971]

Why did you hope for deceit? Why didn't you file for divorce?

 

He was already deceitful in other ways so at that point another woman would have been a way to have him spend less time at home.

 

At that time, I made a decision to wait for my youngest child to be old enough for a shared custody arrangement. He's not an attentive enough parent to leave a toddler with. I bided my time and the day finally came when my children were old enough to safely spend extended periods of time with him.

[Furious]

Again, reread my OP. I specifically wrote responsibility for the troubles in the marriage, not the cheating.

 

Do you take responsibility for the troubles in own your marriage?

[underwater2010]

First off I have accepted my 50% of the issues prior to the affair. I know it is my fault that I chose to work late hours and support my family. I left the door wide open for someone else to walk through. But while things might not have been "great" a good person tells the spouse the problems and works on solving the issues. They don't go out and find someone else to confide in or fall into bed with.

 

It also would not be a possibility if the OW/MOW didn't pretend to be niave themselves. I don't know how many times I have heard "it just happened" or "I fell in love" or my all time favorite "I do not have any responsibility to the marriage".

 

Either way we are dealing with two people that do not care who they might be hurting. Consider the pot stirred.

[buckeyeblue]

OW - You most definitely ARE trying to stir the pot. I can't see how having answers to your offensive questions would be supportive to anyone.

 

I hope for your sake that you can heal from your bitterness towards BSs.