He just disappeared...

[stevie_23]

Yeah, I guess it does change your perception of things somewhat if you truly believe your ex has a personality disorder of some sort. It doesn’t change the facts, but it does fully remove any blame or responsibility you took onto yourself for what happened. Although, if you think logically, you wouldn’t blame yourself in the first place, for your ex’s actions and behaviour, because it’s nothing to do with you.

[kandygurl22]

i'm still really confused why an ex must be a sociopath or narcissist just because they treated someone selfishly. or that they have typical selfish tendencies of a person that just wasn't that into the significant other they were dating (or cheating on/with).

 

people can just be jerks, they don't have to have personality disorders to be jerks. sometimes things REALLY ARE THAT SIMPLE.

 

does it change anything at all, or any of the events of the past?

 

No, it's not like I go and diagnose all of my exes with a personality disorder, it's just that this ex has always had something else about him that never really quite added up.

 

He really was incredibly passionate to me in the beginning, yet always over exaggerating everything about himself and never really following through.

 

He seemed to think that everyone in his life should revolve around him, his schedule, how he felt, what he wanted. Always so caught up with making himself try to look good even if it was beyond his means or was all just a facade.

 

Straight away from the beginning he was overly intense, promising things that he could never substantiate later, making himself out to be better than he was and yet never taking blame for hurting people or making mistakes - it was always justified by something that somebody else had done.

 

He would say things and apologize profusely to make himself look good but you could tell with his actions that he never meant any of it - any normal person that truly cared about another person wouldn't keep hurting someone and do the same things over and over and not show any true remorse. And it wasn't just with me, it was with friends, family and his separated wife - he doesn't seem to care how much he hurts the mother of his children, it's all HIM first. And he did all of this while trying to make sure he kept up his image of looking good to everyone. It was a real headf**k.

 

It's more than a matter of him being a jerk - it's hard to explain but he just didn't operate the way a normal person would. It was all talk and embellishing situations. Every single day, every single issue good or bad, was always OTT with this guy.

 

And yes I think it does change the way I view the past etc because I don't feel like it was anything I did wrong now, there was nothing else I could have done to try to salvage this relationship because that's just how he is - with everyone. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't an exception to the way he treats people - yet I am not taking it personally anymore. I'm not looking for an explanation anymore, not wondering what the hell happened because it just really doesn't matter. I was just one out of a list of people in his life that got hurt.

[kandygurl22]

OMG, this is exactly who she was. Calling her exes "CRAZY" and blaming them. Saying she is in a "brand new relationship and so happy", saying "I love you" repeatedly so many times in the beginning....(I even thought it was weird, even though I am a hopeless romantic type). I am the "ONE" and we will grow old together. I am soooo much better/different than her exes and she has changed and grown.Never encouraging my work, always criticizing it and discouraging me.....FOR NOT REASON.

But, there was no ending/conclusion to this article, like how do they finally break up with their lover and why????

I had a feeling she was a narcissist even before reading this article but now I know for sure.

 

Yes this sounds a lot like my ex too. He would 'encourage' me though but I always got the feeling that it never was truly genuine. He always had to be better than me, be the one with the upper hand and the control in the relationship and if a situation occured where I had the control etc he would manipulate me to get me back where he wanted. It is hard to explain.

 

Sadly, I don't know how there is an ending, but the only thing I know is that a relationship with someone like this ALWAYS has an ending no matter how it happens.

[ana0pera]

hey ana

 

so how did it all go with him?

 

that is weird how it slowly fades like that, like after the break up there's a million things you want answered and you imagine what you'd say to him again if you got the chance... but i guess in a way it is a good sign that you have nothing to say to him, it seems like you are slowly moving on too. Honestly, I'd rather feel a bit disconnected than keep feeling that pain.

 

This morning i was thinking about my ex on the way to work and it was a different feeling like, first I was sitting there wondering how he couldn't miss me after all this time, and then I realized that it doesn't even matter, if he tried to come back to explain it, i'd have nothing to say, because what's done is done i guess and the only thing i can do is forget all the **** he put me through and keep my head up cause one day i will find someone out there who doesnt make me feel that way.

 

And it's exactly right, neither of our exes made it a priority when they knew WE wanted to talk, and we both got fed the 'im busy' excuse. I'm fairly certain guys like this will come and go as they please but it's really not good enough... if something is important to you, if you really love someone or feel that strongly about them, why wouldn't you want to fix it immediately before letting so much time slip past that it comes to the point where the relationship is irreparable? I don't want to sound harsh but maybe he just wants to test the waters and isn't totally sure yet about truly talking it all through and making changes? I wouldn't give him another chance to rip my heart out... I'd just play it really safe but i do think you deserve a lot more than a guy who will wait that long to talk to you about something like that.

I don't think it should have taken you to write a whole goodbye letter to him to realize a MONTH later that he will make the time to talk. but there shouldn't be any regrets in sending it, you just did what you felt like you had to, and it's better to get the emotions out. i wrote my ex a letter before like that the first time we had a break, and he wanted to finally work on it... but the changes he made never lasted. i've written him another letter which I will never give him. it's made me feel a whole lot better already. everytime i feel like i want to speak to him or ask him something i've been writing it down and keeping it to myself... i guess in a way i feel like i'm getting it all out there without ever having to waste my time on him again.

 

i hope it all went well for you... i hope you got the answers you were after and you don't feel worse after speaking to him!! let us know how it went xx

 

ugh, it was interesting... and confusing. It didn't turn out the way i expected (and i think that deep down, it didn't turn out the way i wanted) but it was non-confrontational, constructive, and could've been much worse for me. I didn't have the guts to make the clean break.

 

He told me he was confused about where we stood because I changed my mind so much over the month he disappeared and of course he was "busy" (jetlag, sick after our trip, lots to do at work, etc). He said he didn't realize how I felt because it didn't feel like a lot of time had past to him, but now he knows that's not the case for me. He wanted to continue on as we had last talked about when we were together in December, and he did follow through with a few things I asked him to do to follow through with us being committed.

 

I agreed to give him another chance so long as we work on communication and follow through with the promises. I am still not sure if I should've just said no when he told me he wanted to try again, or if I did the right thing. Well actions speak louder than words and time will tell. We'll see if he can hold up his end of the deal. If he can't it's off no questions asked and no explanations exchanged. I am detached enough now to know to keep a healthy emotional distance from him for a while, and this experience will forever be engrained in my memory. it's hard to make a fresh start, i can forgiove though but i can't forget and maybe this is doomed to fail. we'll see. I know that this time, I will only let him be as much of a priority in my life as i am in his, and NOTHING more.

 

i am still weary about the whole thing, from his excuses to the time lag on his part. it is convenient that he resurfaced when i sent him a letter that basically said i was moving on and i wish him well. i feel a bit like an idiot and that i crumbled under pressure because i still love him and i am not really one to walk away from problems but i try to fix situations. i am trusting him to do the right thing and not be an idiot/player/douchebag. i really hope i am right :/

 

i need more time to think if this was the right decision for me so that's where i am at now.

[kandygurl22]

ugh, it was interesting... and confusing. It didn't turn out the way i expected (and i think that deep down, it didn't turn out the way i wanted) but it was non-confrontational, constructive, and could've been much worse for me. I didn't have the guts to make the clean break.

 

He told me he was confused about where we stood because I changed my mind so much over the month he disappeared and of course he was "busy" (jetlag, sick after our trip, lots to do at work, etc). He said he didn't realize how I felt because it didn't feel like a lot of time had past to him, but now he knows that's not the case for me. He wanted to continue on as we had last talked about when we were together in December, and he did follow through with a few things I asked him to do to follow through with us being committed.

 

I agreed to give him another chance so long as we work on communication and follow through with the promises. I am still not sure if I should've just said no when he told me he wanted to try again, or if I did the right thing. Well actions speak louder than words and time will tell. We'll see if he can hold up his end of the deal. If he can't it's off no questions asked and no explanations exchanged. I am detached enough now to know to keep a healthy emotional distance from him for a while, and this experience will forever be engrained in my memory. it's hard to make a fresh start, i can forgiove though but i can't forget and maybe this is doomed to fail. we'll see. I know that this time, I will only let him be as much of a priority in my life as i am in his, and NOTHING more.

 

i am still weary about the whole thing, from his excuses to the time lag on his part. it is convenient that he resurfaced when i sent him a letter that basically said i was moving on and i wish him well. i feel a bit like an idiot and that i crumbled under pressure because i still love him and i am not really one to walk away from problems but i try to fix situations. i am trusting him to do the right thing and not be an idiot/player/douchebag. i really hope i am right :/

 

i need more time to think if this was the right decision for me so that's where i am at now.

 

 

I guess you have a weary and hesitant feeling for a reason - this guy disappeared on you and I guess you will always wonder if he could or would do it again.

 

I say go with your gut on this one. I know it will be hard because you still love him, but love makes us act irrationally sometimes and it can be better to listen to your head than your heart at times.

 

I hope he really does put in the effort to make it better - but you're right like why did he only decide to face it and try again when you said you were moving on? Was he expecting you to just hang around and wait there as his estranged girlfriend until he was ready to come back?

 

I think this time go in carefully, don't let him have all the control and absolutely do not stop what you have been doing for yourself to accommodate him anymore. Know that you come first, and if he messes up, you can keep on with your own life.

 

That's true though, it's possible to forgive but never to forget - this is probably where it went bad for me giving my ex so many chances. Every time he did something remotely like something he'd done before to hurt me, it was alarm bells and I'd get a lot more worked up about it than I'd used to.

In hindsight, I really should have only given him a second chance, and not a third, fourth, fifth but there it is being irrational because I was so in love with him. How many times have you made up/broken up with this guy in the past or is this the first serious problem you've had with him?

 

I guess spend some time truly thinking carefully about what you want, if you love him enough to try it again and give him another chance and make sure you're prepared to walk away if he starts messing up again - or if you'd prefer to start fresh with a new guy with a clean slate who hasn't treated you like this before.

 

I do really hate the "I was busy and it didn't feel like that much time had passed for me" excuse. It's like - well, do you think about me at all? While you were busy, didn't you even once even THINK to just call me up or text me just in a general wondering of how I am, how my day was or ANYTHING?

 

I dunno, that kinda stuff just makes me think.

 

Do you feel like he's gonna pull through and change or setting yourself up for failure? I just really really hope he takes it seriously and you don't end up being hurt again and back to square one. If he messes up again you know he didn't deserve you anyway. If any guy is stupid enough to screw up a second chance then he wasn't serious about making it better in the first place no matter what he did. EG: My stupid F**K ex. lol

[Samilia]

I was watching a documentary a few years ago. This doctor, researcher,whatever his title was, was answering a question about the "why" do people commit despicable acts. People need answers, and he said that sometimes people are just evil, simple as that. They're not sociopaths, they don't have any diseases or out of the ordinary disorders. To put it in a nutshell, they're just *ssholes.

[kandygurl22]

I was watching a documentary a few years ago. This doctor, researcher,whatever his title was, was answering a question about the "why" do people commit despicable acts. People need answers, and he said that sometimes people are just evil, simple as that. They're not sociopaths, they don't have any diseases or out of the ordinary disorders. To put it in a nutshell, they're just *ssholes.

 

LOL yeah an *sshole he most definitely was to say the least.

 

I think it's unfair that the good people get hurt and these jerks come out unscathed, ready to move on to hurt someone else and not even bothering to pick up the pieces. It's just rude and I don't know why it feels like karma never comes around to bite him in the ass and all this bad sh*t keeps happening to me when all I did was try to be a good GF to him and put up with his sh*t for a year!

 

Just feeling sorry for myself here lol

[destroyed4sho]

LOL yeah an *sshole he most definitely was to say the least.

 

I think it's unfair that the good people get hurt and these jerks come out unscathed, ready to move on to hurt someone else and not even bothering to pick up the pieces. It's just rude and I don't know why it feels like karma never comes around to bite him in the ass and all this bad sh*t keeps happening to me when all I did was try to be a good GF to him and put up with his sh*t for a year!

 

Just feeling sorry for myself here lol

 

It is also has to do with us. I went to my therapist today and spoke about my ex being a narcist and we went through the DSM criteria and yes she is. He had told me that she was a Narcissist before a while back, but I just took it as my ex is "selfish" or "arrogant" and didn't think it was a serious problem.

I also asked if I was one too, because I agreed with her logic in general and some of her actions when she had a problem with someone. But it was the way she described me the situation which I realize now was biased. Anyway, my therapist told me that I was not, but that I allowed it because I have some dependency issues developed from childhood trauma that fed her narcissism.The point is, people with these crazy personality disorders are attracted to people they can take advantage of. And we in turn are attracted to them because we are familiar with dysfunction and find it exciting. "Normal" people are boring. I knew that too about myself, but I really thought that this time, this relationship was real and the love they felt for me was real. :-(

 

Kandygurl22, did your bf show empathy or compassion to others? Mine did, but not to me. My therapist told me that they are incapable of showing compassion to people they have an emotional attachment to. But the DSM critiria does not distinguish between general population or their partner.

 

So, I am not sure where this leaves me. I have so many thoughts that hurt like...wow..I guess my ex never really loved me, this whole relationship was about someone's psychological disorder etc...But then I think, well she loved me the best way she could love me and for her that is her definition of love, which is a very weak definition compared to what I think love is. I know that she will do this many people, again and again.

 

I think next relationship, I am going to have a list of criteria to check if they have some sort of disorder. Like, are they empathetic and compassionate? Does the relationship feel like a rollercoaster ride?

[kandygurl22]

It is also has to do with us. I went to my therapist today and spoke about my ex being a narcist and we went through the DSM criteria and yes she is. He had told me that she was a Narcissist before a while back, but I just took it as my ex is "selfish" or "arrogant" and didn't think it was a serious problem.

I also asked if I was one too, because I agreed with her logic in general and some of her actions when she had a problem with someone. But it was the way she described me the situation which I realize now was biased. Anyway, my therapist told me that I was not, but that I allowed it because I have some dependency issues developed from childhood trauma that fed her narcissism.The point is, people with these crazy personality disorders are attracted to people they can take advantage of. And we in turn are attracted to them because we are familiar with dysfunction and find it exciting. "Normal" people are boring. I knew that too about myself, but I really thought that this time, this relationship was real and the love they felt for me was real. :-(

 

Kandygurl22, did your bf show empathy or compassion to others? Mine did, but not to me. My therapist told me that they are incapable of showing compassion to people they have an emotional attachment to. But the DSM critiria does not distinguish between general population or their partner.

 

So, I am not sure where this leaves me. I have so many thoughts that hurt like...wow..I guess my ex never really loved me, this whole relationship was about someone's psychological disorder etc...But then I think, well she loved me the best way she could love me and for her that is her definition of love, which is a very weak definition compared to what I think love is. I know that she will do this many people, again and again.

 

I think next relationship, I am going to have a list of criteria to check if they have some sort of disorder. Like, are they empathetic and compassionate? Does the relationship feel like a rollercoaster ride?

 

Wow seriously, that sounds so exactly like me and what me and my therapist have started discussing too.

 

I decided to focus my therapy more on myself and not about my ex and how he hurt me because my main concern now is WHY I even let him treat me that way in the first place when I knew all along that it wasn't right.

 

I have abandonment and dependency issues too since I was young, and my home life is quite dysfunctional and yeah, my therapist said that too, that I go seeking out relationships that I know are bad because I'm used to the drama, and when there isn't drama, I create it, because to me, when things are "normal" then in a way it just doesn't feel right to me.

All of my close friends are in a similar boat as me too, it's as if I only attract or really connect with people with issues, which is an issue of my own that I need to look at.

 

Hmm, good question, no he didn't really show that much empathy or compassion... he did to me sometimes but I question how genuine it was because it was all just empty words and no actions. I don't know if he said things to make himself look good or if he really cared. The only people I've ever seen him care about is his kids. Even his wife (separated), he didn't seem to show an ounce of remorse to putting her through a lifetime of misery, and that's the mother of his kids. He was always right, other people just got in his way.

 

How long were you with your ex for?

 

In a way it should probably leave you relieved to know that it's nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to change a thing.

And it's not to say that she didn't love you, I do believe my ex loved me, and like exactly how you said it, he loved me the most that he was capable of loving me, but it doesn't mean that it would last. And yeah, different people have different expectations and morals etc like what was important to me wasn't so important to my ex but those things are my own definition of love and because he lacked true empathy for the way I felt and the way I saw things, he could never give me what I needed and make the changes for me. It just wasn't in him. It also seemed that he wouldn't make an effort for me if it meant it'd be inconvenient or not benefit him etc

 

Yes, next relationships definitely have higher standards and know what you're looking for and if the red flags pop up early on, absolutely don't ignore them because what I've learned from this relationship is that people rarely ever do change and the person you've got to care most about is yourself cause no matter how much someone says they love you, they can still throw you under a bus.

 

Funny thing is, I really really want a "normal" relationship, I am sick of the drama, but I keep seeking out these emotional rollercoasters and it's like I date the same guy over and over again.

[ana0pera]

I guess you have a weary and hesitant feeling for a reason - this guy disappeared on you and I guess you will always wonder if he could or would do it again.

 

I say go with your gut on this one. I know it will be hard because you still love him, but love makes us act irrationally sometimes and it can be better to listen to your head than your heart at times.

 

I hope he really does put in the effort to make it better - but you're right like why did he only decide to face it and try again when you said you were moving on? Was he expecting you to just hang around and wait there as his estranged girlfriend until he was ready to come back?

 

I think this time go in carefully, don't let him have all the control and absolutely do not stop what you have been doing for yourself to accommodate him anymore. Know that you come first, and if he messes up, you can keep on with your own life.

 

That's true though, it's possible to forgive but never to forget - this is probably where it went bad for me giving my ex so many chances. Every time he did something remotely like something he'd done before to hurt me, it was alarm bells and I'd get a lot more worked up about it than I'd used to.

In hindsight, I really should have only given him a second chance, and not a third, fourth, fifth but there it is being irrational because I was so in love with him. How many times have you made up/broken up with this guy in the past or is this the first serious problem you've had with him?

 

I guess spend some time truly thinking carefully about what you want, if you love him enough to try it again and give him another chance and make sure you're prepared to walk away if he starts messing up again - or if you'd prefer to start fresh with a new guy with a clean slate who hasn't treated you like this before.

 

I do really hate the "I was busy and it didn't feel like that much time had passed for me" excuse. It's like - well, do you think about me at all? While you were busy, didn't you even once even THINK to just call me up or text me just in a general wondering of how I am, how my day was or ANYTHING?

 

I dunno, that kinda stuff just makes me think.

 

Do you feel like he's gonna pull through and change or setting yourself up for failure? I just really really hope he takes it seriously and you don't end up being hurt again and back to square one. If he messes up again you know he didn't deserve you anyway. If any guy is stupid enough to screw up a second chance then he wasn't serious about making it better in the first place no matter what he did. EG: My stupid F**K ex. lol

 

I am still very pessimistic and it's too soon to really know I think but I am hoping he changes. I am holding him to a higher standard now and if he does not meet those standards, it's over.

[destroyed4sho]

Wow seriously, that sounds so exactly like me and what me and my therapist have started discussing too.

 

 

 

I decided to focus my therapy more on myself and not about my ex and how he hurt me because my main concern now is WHY I even let him treat me that way in the first place when I knew all along that it wasn't right.

 

I have abandonment and dependency issues too since I was young, and my home life is quite dysfunctional and yeah, my therapist said that too, that I go seeking out relationships that I know are bad because I'm used to the drama, and when there isn't drama, I create it, because to me, when things are "normal" then in a way it just doesn't feel right to me.

All of my close friends are in a similar boat as me too, it's as if I only attract or really connect with people with issues, which is an issue of my own that I need to look at.

 

Hmm, good question, no he didn't really show that much empathy or compassion... he did to me sometimes but I question how genuine it was because it was all just empty words and no actions. I don't know if he said things to make himself look good or if he really cared. The only people I've ever seen him care about is his kids. Even his wife (separated), he didn't seem to show an ounce of remorse to putting her through a lifetime of misery, and that's the mother of his kids. He was always right, other people just got in his way.

 

How long were you with your ex for?

 

In a way it should probably leave you relieved to know that it's nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to change a thing.

And it's not to say that she didn't love you, I do believe my ex loved me, and like exactly how you said it, he loved me the most that he was capable of loving me, but it doesn't mean that it would last. And yeah, different people have different expectations and morals etc like what was important to me wasn't so important to my ex but those things are my own definition of love and because he lacked true empathy for the way I felt and the way I saw things, he could never give me what I needed and make the changes for me. It just wasn't in him. It also seemed that he wouldn't make an effort for me if it meant it'd be inconvenient or not benefit him etc

 

Yes, next relationships definitely have higher standards and know what you're looking for and if the red flags pop up early on, absolutely don't ignore them because what I've learned from this relationship is that people rarely ever do change and the person you've got to care most about is yourself cause no matter how much someone says they love you, they can still throw you under a bus.

 

Funny thing is, I really really want a "normal" relationship, I am sick of the drama, but I keep seeking out these emotional rollercoasters and it's like I date the same guy over and over again.

 

I was with ex for 2 years.*

 

Yes, my therapist says that they suddenly leave because we hold them to a higher standard and we are on to them. They realize this and instead of looking into themselves and trying to fix/resolve the problem they dump us because they know that it they can't do it. That they can't meet our standards. It is too painful and devastating to them to admit they have a problem to themselves and look inward. So they just leave us because they know they can't do it. And they don't think twice about it again.

 

I feel bad for my ex because I do love her and want her to get over her problem and get better. But she doesn't know she has this problem and even if I do tell her, I know that it will be useless. She will lash out at me, tell me I have a problem, yell, curse and tell me what a horrible person I am. It is sad, because in my fantasy world, I STILL want this to work out someday. I loved her so much. But telling her will only backfire.

[destroyed4sho]

I really want a normal relationship too. My previous ex ex was a borderliner. ahh that was another rollercoaster ride, but I didn't know until after. I am just not attracted to normies....I find them boring and then I start yawning on dates....find the sex boring..I can't help it. Even if I forced myself to be with one, it would be living a lie. I don't know how to stop and just be normal. But I don't conciously pick messed up people. It just happens that I am attracted to them and in the beginning I think they are Normal...but then it always turns out they are not.

 

Any advice would help**

 

I think before I start a relationship with someone, I am going to give them one of those personality disorder tests and pass it off as being a fun thing to do....idk. lol

[Addison312]

I think before I start a relationship with someone, I am going to give them one of those personality disorder tests and pass it off as being a fun thing to do....idk. lol

 

I have thought the EXACT same thing! I attract depressives. I don't want to date any more people with emotional issues.

[kandygurl22]

I really want a normal relationship too. My previous ex ex was a borderliner. ahh that was another rollercoaster ride, but I didn't know until after. I am just not attracted to normies....I find them boring and then I start yawning on dates....find the sex boring..I can't help it. Even if I forced myself to be with one, it would be living a lie. I don't know how to stop and just be normal. But I don't conciously pick messed up people. It just happens that I am attracted to them and in the beginning I think they are Normal...but then it always turns out they are not.

 

Any advice would help**

 

I think before I start a relationship with someone, I am going to give them one of those personality disorder tests and pass it off as being a fun thing to do....idk. lol

 

 

that is heaps true! your therapist sounds good - they can't admit they have a problem and they can't admit that they can't live up to our expectations so they seem to take the easy way out...

 

i know what u mean, you don't consciously pick these people, it's just who you're attracted to and who you attract... and same with me, when i think someone is normal, it's only a matter of time before i find out that they are far from it.

 

i'm in the same boat as you so i really am not sure how to deal with this aside from therapy... although i do think that maybe we need to work on ourselves before even thinking about getting into another serious relationship... no relationship will ever work out if we don't work on ourselves first... the same issues will always arise, and there will always be an end...

 

like yes we can blame our exes for doing the things they did to hurt us but maybe we need to also really take a look and blame ourselves, because we're the ones who put ourselves in those situations time and time again?