He just disappeared...

[Leigh 87]

Aww, kandygirl, it is very sad that you can't what you need from this guy.

 

And yes, meeting nice single guys must suck in your position! You know you may not be able to wait for that guy, yet you cannot even think of being with other guys.

 

I would be the same if, you know.. My partner left, even if he did not want me anymore, I would just not want anyone else:(

 

Especially since he has not told you that he does nto want you, I would kind of go crazy.. You know, figuring out I should wait for him or not!

 

Think about it very carefully though: do not get involved with any men, i you would leave them in a heartbeat for this current guy that is causing you heartbreak....

 

I am not sure what he meant by his message - it sounds like he is just too caught up in his own family, and feels bad focusing on himself andh is "selfish" needs for love, when he has his kids to look after...

[kandygurl22]

I noticed the thing about not getting the answers you wanted, even though he did talk to you finally...

 

This happened in June when my ex left me for a month, for the first time. He did tell me he was leaving and explained why, but didn't give me a chance to respond before going NC.

 

When he did start talking to me again, I made the mistake of bombarding him with BILLIONS of questions. I just wanted answers. I got incredibly obsessed with getting answers. I'd write a billion of them, and then when he'd answer a small part but not the rest, I'd repeat the ones I wanted answers to most, and EVENTUALLY he did actually "answer" everything I needed to know.

 

And I put "answer" in those inverted commas not because he didn't do it to my satisfaction, but because I now see, you're never going to get specific answers to questions right away. It takes time. He took quite some time after we were back together again before we openly talked about that time he was away and I actually finally got complete closure about it.

 

Sometimes it's best not to "demand" answers right away...not demanding or expecting too much sometimes enables the guys to feel more able to tell us what we need to hear. (and I don't mean that in the way that they're lying to us cause they think that's what we want to hear. I simply mean they can finally tell us what we have been needing to know all this time)

 

 

That's really good advice Stevie... Yeah, go in without expectations... you can't get let down that way either I guess..

And so true, guys seem to need more time to process feelings and how to communicate them more than girls do.. I guess in their own time they all will come around to talk about it but until then u can't force answers out of someone who isn't willing to give them. Back them into a corner and all you'll get is BS anyway.

[kandygurl22]

Aww, kandygirl, it is very sad that you can't what you need from this guy.

 

And yes, meeting nice single guys must suck in your position! You know you may not be able to wait for that guy, yet you cannot even think of being with other guys.

 

I would be the same if, you know.. My partner left, even if he did not want me anymore, I would just not want anyone else:(

 

Especially since he has not told you that he does nto want you, I would kind of go crazy.. You know, figuring out I should wait for him or not!

 

Think about it very carefully though: do not get involved with any men, i you would leave them in a heartbeat for this current guy that is causing you heartbreak....

 

I am not sure what he meant by his message - it sounds like he is just too caught up in his own family, and feels bad focusing on himself andh is "selfish" needs for love, when he has his kids to look after...

 

yeah..

 

that's exactly it... i literally cannot develop feelings for another guy when i am still in love with this guy...

 

i have met a few nice guys lately, and i went out with one of them a couple of times to basically get my mind off him, but yeah i felt bad that i'd be stringing him along and told him straight up that i wasn't ready for a relationship... he still wants to hang out though which is nice i guess... but i still feel guilty that i'm spending time with someone that's not my ex! even though he's not even speaking to me! ugh!

 

yeah and it's like, i could move on with another guy, but i ALWAYS want to give my ex that space in my life, wait for him in case when he is ready to be with me then i am available for him. it's such a stupid way to think though, i'm only holding myself back!!

 

but yeah i am going crazy because he didn't say he doesn't want me or doesn't love me. it'd hurt less if he was like 'i don't feel the same anymore' because not knowing is driving me nuts.

 

his message was hard to decode huh.. he does sound caught up... but to me, that's not really a goodbye message.... you think? I don't even know anymore!!!

[ana0pera]

His last text I got was after I said I wouldn't meet him and it said along the lines of "I wanted to meet you for coffee to explain everything and give you your christmas present. I haven't been in a good place, I haven't been all there and I'm still not... I don't expect you to completely understand but I didn't do anything to you on purpose, I swear. I do understand what you're saying and I am really sorry, I really swear I am. I know I don't have what it takes to be a good bf, but I'm not being a good friend either right now and you don't deserve that, it doesn't mean I don't care about you, I'm just hopeless and have been slammed in every direction. One day I'll try and explain all of this to you. I don't expect you to drop everything and be normal towards me but I just want you to know I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry."

 

And then I said back to him that it still hurt me that I didn't hear from him over the holidays and that he could explain it to me when it all calms down and until then I hope everyone is ok and he's ok and to take care.

 

Does that sound like a goodbye message to you??? Cause to me I really thought i'd hear from him again by now!!! But I'm too scared to contact him in case he suddenly decided he doesn't want a bar of me. But then also the last month or so our messages have sometimes not gone through to each other cause my phone and his phone have been acting up - i don't get all my texts from other people all the time either. So I was all strung out that what if he texted and I never got it and he thinks I'm mad at HIM so he didn't try to call?

 

Or again, probably wishful thinking.

 

But what do you think of that last text from him?

 

You are in a rough situation because he is married, that in and of itself is a stressor + all the other things going on. but no excuse.

 

How long ago did he send you this message? it does sound like he's throwing in the towel and doesn't want you to wait up for him to get his sh*t together. he might think it's noble for him to not drag you into his mess but i am sorry, if you love someone (and more importantly, if they love you) you need to be willing to let them see all parts of your life, the good and ugly, and they need to accept it because otherwise you cannot have a future together. problems don't just go away when you're married or whatever way you decide to show your commitment. In some ways they increase as problems from both sides of the relationship are cemented in the eternal bond

 

that said, from his message it does sound like he wants to explain himself. he is a wimp for not doing it even though you've pushed him away (rightfully so, he disappeared on you!) and it's as if he's offering it to you as a consolation..."one day i'll try and explain all this to you"... well, sir, there's no day like the present! when will that day be? when you're over him? when his problems have faded and he wants you back?

 

If you think it'd help to get closure, take him up on the offer. but only if you think it will help and you're feeling strong enough. I would make it clear to him that it's over (if that's what you want) but you need closure and for him to be honest. make sure it's on your terms. he needs to know that he cannot disrespect you like this and expect you to be a-ok with it. You are a WOMAN not a doormat!

Edited January 23, 2013 by ana0pera

[Leigh 87]

Well, so you thought you were gay!

 

You know - my parents have a good friend who was with a man for years, only to then get with a girl.

My former next door neighbour was married, and I late heard that she was with a girl.

And last but not least, another man, who were good friends with my parents, was married 20 years, only to figure out that he was gay.

Go figure. As fascinating as I find stories like yours, it would probably not be that thrilling for you to have to go through! You must have been

confused!

 

I have a really good relationship right now, so I enjoy listening to people about their relationship dramas and offering support. I am very lucky right now, but this could all change in a second one day, and it is nice to have this website, full of people to help you through such dramas.

 

All I can think to say is..... do you want to move on or wait for him?

 

Has it been discussed, your plan of action?

 

Can he not give you a set time frame on things?

 

I think communication is really important! To be able make a set plan, regarding if you will or wont be together....

Your nice sounding ladies, you have options, so maybe if these men cannot give you what you need within a certain time frame, tell them you will move on for good.

 

For instance, they could think of a time frame whereby they could be ready to be with you, and sort out their personal affairs.

If they cannot possibly be with you in any way, then you have to move on I think........

I feel sorry for these men, being stuck in loveless marriages for financial reasons!

It is great that their whole lives centre around their kids, but people tend to do much better if they have a loving partner, or at least a fun dating life, as a side section of their life to look forward to and enjoy BEYOND their kids.

 

Come on, I think you both know it is not healthy to be in limbo about wheather you can or cannot be with someone.

I think it is best for everyone if you move on, or agree to a time frame and be together.

[stevie_23]

Ok. I read his message to you.

 

It sounds VERY similar to something my ex would've said to me...

 

And I have made the mistake in the past of assuming that is NOT a proper "goodbye" message, when actually it WAS intended as such in his eyes.

 

When my ex left me for a month last June (and although later when he came back to me he said he "knew" it wouldn't be forever, the fact he left. He knew it wasn't over. I didn't though!!! He went completely NC after he sent me the goodbye email and that was it!!!!), his last email explaining what had happened, the fact he'd been married that morning, the fact his health was so bad and he couldn't be the husband he so wanted to be for me....the last words he said back then were "I still love you so much. I am crying. I miss you so much."

 

And that was it. That, to me, did NOT sound like a goodbye message. Does it to you? I MISS you so much? That sounds as if he wasn't saying goodbye. You know?

 

Anyway...it doesn't pay to read too much of your OWN beliefs into other people's behaviours. Just because YOU wouldn't say goodbye the same way he would doesn't mean he's not doing it.

 

Though ok, honestly, to ME his message didn't sound like a proper goodbye. He may still have meant it as such. The words he used when he said he'd explain it to you ONE DAY, or SOME DAY, whatever...THOSE are the only real hint that it was a goodbye from him.

 

Also...and this is all about perception - to him, who is going through stuff in his life, going silent for however long, a week, 3 weeks, 2 months...that time goes by quicker than it does for us, the dumpee or the waitee...whose lives remain the same apart from him. The time CRAWLS for us.

[Leigh 87]

kandygurl,

 

He cannot have you sitting there for a prolonged period, missing out on very loving relationships, because he may decide to be with you, in a way that suits him.

 

PLEASE know, that there IS MORE THAN ONE RIGHT GUY out there! There are MANY, MANY men in the world who you would fall just as deeply in love with!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I would text him saying that if he does not contact you to work out your future together within a month, that you are 100% indefinately going to move on.

 

Come on now, you know you cannot stay with this guy forever, with how he treats you...

As if your going to settle for that, and miss out on a normal, loving relationship, when the guy is with you.

 

Think logically. Do you want this for your life? Do you want to spend the rest of your years being like THIS with this man?

Or, would you rather find another man who you love as much, but CAN be with you.

 

It is SO hard to let go of love. I would find it immensely hard to let go of my boyfriend, should anything happen between us.

But unless I knew i could be with him in the immediate future, I would move on. Because i do not want to be with an unavailable man for the rest of my life.

[stevie_23]

Well, so you thought you were gay!

 

That was me who thought she was gay, not the OP who is waiting / not waiting on her ex! lol

[Leigh 87]

That was me who thought she was gay, not the OP who is waiting / not waiting on her ex! lol

 

 

 

I know, my post was directed at you?

[kandygurl22]

Ok ill respond to all of you in the same post.. You girls are awesome, thanks so so much for helping me and giving such good insight and advice. I don't have many girlfriends in my life either... Girls are usually just mean to me for no reason no matter how much i try to make friends. I'm really lonely all the time... I always feel like I'm alone, always there for everyone when they need help but nobody is there for me. So u guys are really helping so much more than u know...*hugs*

I really wish we weren't all hurting too, none of us deserve any of this.

 

Ana -

It's been three weeks since that text.

But that is true, I always believed that too, that going through the bad times side by side makes you stronger in a relationship. 'Sparing' me from his problems creates more problems. I WANT to be there by his side. I don't want to just be there for the fun times. I wanted to be in it for it all.

But yeah if I feel like I need closure one day, I will do it only for myself and not to give him another chance, it's got to be about what I want for once. Same goes with you and yours, do it for yourself, not because he wants to talk! I am so nervous for you for when u hear what he has to say... have you been thinking about what you are going to ask??

 

Stevie -

Exactly, you never know with these guys if its goodbye or not and too right about perception.

That 'goodbye' message from your guy absolutely did not sound like one, no wonder you didn't see it coming! If you say you miss somebody so much, the last thing you'd expect is for them to leave! It should have been more of a "I'm going to miss you so much"! Why the hell can't they be clearer about something so important.

 

Last time I went on a break from him, I was the one sending the goodbye message where I specially said at the end "I don't want to hear from you again, goodbye".. Two days later it was my birthday and I get a long text from him saying "happy birthday blah blah I know you don't want a bar of me right now and you don't have to reply to this but I really want you to enjoy yourself tonight. happy birthday, you deserve the best."

So I decoded that to think he accepted my good bye and he was saying goodbye to me. When we spoke again a month later after he tried so damn hard to get me back, I mentioned that text and he was like "OMG that was not a goodbye at all, I just didn't want you to get upset at hearing from me and I didn't want to ruin your day I just really wanted to wish u a happy birthday" :/

So yeah, I guess that's why I question his real meaning with this text too.

 

Yeah it was the ONE DAY thing that got me too... Could it mean he has no intention to speak to me anytime soon, or ONE DAY when his drama is over?

 

And yeah the time thing.. He's told me before when id get upset that he didn't text or call back for hours that he honestly didnt realize how much time went by when he's busy, as soon as he gets home from a crazy day at work (everyday was crazy there), then he had to take care of his young kids by himself cause his wife would be at work too and it was his time with them and before he knew it hours had gone by. This guy was ALWAYS exhausted and drained. He was trying to do so much in the little free time he had for himself. Every single day.

So I guess with all he's got going on now, the last 3 weeks to him wouldn't have dragged on as long as they have for me.

 

Not making excuses, just trying to rationalize a little!

 

That brings me to Leigh -

We have spoken time frame, he told me he knew it would be selfish to ask me to wait for him but he wishes I would wait.. The separation will be one year in July so that's when they can file for divorce. But I am not willing to wait that long, who knows how long the divorce process will go on for, and do I want to be caught up in the middle of it all? Absolutely not.

I love this man, I do, but you are totally 100% correct - I can't wait for him and miss out on my own life while he is sorting his out.

 

I know deep down in my gut what the right thing to do is - I have to let him go. But HOW? Ugh!

I don't want to feel like this all the time if I stayed with him forever. He will keep doing this. And then I'm scared, I'm only 25, if we stayed together forever I would be jumping into the role of step mom and I don't think I'm ready for all of that. I want a relationship we can grow together in at the same pace. This guy is 10 years ahead of me, he's had his turn at it all already... There are sooooo many reasons for me to not love him, but it doesn't change how I feel. I feel stuck. I want to let him go, I just don't know how. It's like I love him that much that I am willing to deal with all of his baggage and flaws just to be with him, but ultimately I don't think that will lead to me having a very good life.

 

I don't have trouble meeting guys, and I've always been the strong one, I've always been picky, I've never been dumped before and I have absolutely never ever EVER let a guy treat me like a doormat. So why have I changed so much for this guy? To me it feels like I did it and put up with it cause he must be the one, I've never felt love like that before. Only to have it now slap me in the face. How did I become so weak?

 

But you couldn't be more right Leigh, your words are really inspiring me, it's helping me feel like there is more out there for me that can make me truly happy and not make me feel like some guys last priority.

[Leigh 87]

Kandygurl,

 

If your emotions are strong enough for this man, then it is not uncommon to do things that are not rational, due to your feelings.

Even women like you, who never put up with sh*t and have always been the cool ones in the relationship, can crumble and totally fall apart if they feel strongly enough towards a person.

 

Your emotions tend to turn you into a mess - where you can not think what is best for you and fully acccept it is what you have to do, because letting go of him is not something your even ready to do yet.

 

You can sort of have an idea of what the outcome could be, i you stay with him or if you leave. You can see it is best to leave OR just be with him and have him change his ways. You know which outcome is likely to happen, and which is not.

 

It is to be expected that your feelings will override any good decisions you know you should be making. There is no rush, your young still, allow yourself time to accept and process things.

 

You can tell yourself " okay, there is no chance we can just suddenly be together anytime soon, but there IS a chance I can move on, feel pain, but get over him and find a guy I love just as much, and who I have a much easier relationship with"

 

I hope you are at the stage where you KNOW the man will not just be with you, and you therefore cannot just waste your youth waiting.

I think you know he will not be with you any time soon, and you know you will not be happy waiting on him either.

Just relax, treat yourself well, do some nice things for yourself, and spend a little time accepting that you WILL move on.

 

Can you truly accept not being with him yet? HOnestly? Or aren't you able to accept that you will not see or talk to him again, for years to come?

It can be too hard to handle, too much pain to feel, telling yourself that you will not see or talk to a man you love again.

 

BUT - the thing is... after a year or less, you will actually NOT be in pain anymore! So..... Accepting you will not see him again is HARDER THEN IT WILL BE IN A YEARS TIME.

 

Accepting is the hard part! Actually living it out is easier, because time heals, and you will eventually stop hurting.

[kandygurl22]

Kandygurl,

 

If your emotions are strong enough for this man, then it is not uncommon to do things that are not rational, due to your feelings.

Even women like you, who never put up with sh*t and have always been the cool ones in the relationship, can crumble and totally fall apart if they feel strongly enough towards a person.

 

Your emotions tend to turn you into a mess - where you can not think what is best for you and fully acccept it is what you have to do, because letting go of him is not something your even ready to do yet.

 

You can sort of have an idea of what the outcome could be, i you stay with him or if you leave. You can see it is best to leave OR just be with him and have him change his ways. You know which outcome is likely to happen, and which is not.

 

It is to be expected that your feelings will override any good decisions you know you should be making. There is no rush, your young still, allow yourself time to accept and process things.

 

You can tell yourself " okay, there is no chance we can just suddenly be together anytime soon, but there IS a chance I can move on, feel pain, but get over him and find a guy I love just as much, and who I have a much easier relationship with"

 

I hope you are at the stage where you KNOW the man will not just be with you, and you therefore cannot just waste your youth waiting.

I think you know he will not be with you any time soon, and you know you will not be happy waiting on him either.

Just relax, treat yourself well, do some nice things for yourself, and spend a little time accepting that you WILL move on.

 

Can you truly accept not being with him yet? HOnestly? Or aren't you able to accept that you will not see or talk to him again, for years to come?

It can be too hard to handle, too much pain to feel, telling yourself that you will not see or talk to a man you love again.

 

BUT - the thing is... after a year or less, you will actually NOT be in pain anymore! So..... Accepting you will not see him again is HARDER THEN IT WILL BE IN A YEARS TIME.

 

Accepting is the hard part! Actually living it out is easier, because time heals, and you will eventually stop hurting.

 

Hi Leigh

 

Yeah that is true. I hate how emotions get in the way of what is the most logical and rational outcome and what is truly best for you.

 

I guess I feel like it's such a waste that I found someone that I can love this much and it's just turned out to be so painful and ended in nothing. I always hoped for the best and really tried my hardest to make this work, but there's only so many chances I can give and so much selfishness and hurt I can deal with before I have to bow out too and give up.

 

I can't totally accept it yet that I may never see or speak to him again. It's especially hard that I live 3 minutes from him and work 5 minutes from him and everything is a reminder of things we've done and places we've been together. Knowing that he is always just around the corner from me is torture - and at the same time knowing that HE knows I'm so close but still isn't able to spare the time to talk to me or see me...

 

The weird thing is that the last time I saw him, I realized I'd felt differently, I wasn't as excited, I didn't get that rush that I usually did.. Normally I'd always be interested in talking about everything with him, everything he had to say was interesting to me... And I could tell he could tell cause he was really trying to keep me interested and was being overly affectionate. I don't know, it's like I knew deep down that something was changing. Maybe after the last break we had I'd stayed hesitant cause I knew deep down that he probably wouldn't be able to make any long lasting significant changes until he sorted out his divorce, and no matter how much he loved me, that just isn't enough.

 

Sigh! You are so right. Accepting this is hard. I am still in the bargaining stage with myself, trying to make reasons or find excuses... But it's so hard to imagine ever being able to love someone else as much as I love him.

[stevie_23]

I know, my post was directed at you?

 

OH! lol Just the first part of the post was directed at me? Cause the second part of the post seemed relevant to Kandygurl, as it was about how long she can wait for him, etc. I am not waiting for my ex. I know he's not coming back.

[ana0pera]

kandygurl,

 

I haven't thought too much about it yet, I am going to come up with a list of questions though and all of the problems outlines so that I can keep track of my thoughts. This might be my one and only chance for closure so i can't let anything fall trough the cracks.

 

you live 3 minutes from him and work 5 minutes from him and you haven't seen him at all?!? he is a loser. a coward and a loser. he has no excuse AT ALL if he loves you. Please don't waste anymore of your tears on this man. He isn't worth it. Get it all out, do something that brings you pleasure like getting a massage or seeing a funny movie and if you have to do something slightly reckless (I made a batch of cupcakes last weekend and ate a decent amount of them myself -_-), do it. just get it out of your system. then start focusing on you. have you thought about therapy? I am thinking about it, but right now I am feeling better. I have gone on a diet, started exercising, and I have some fun activities to distract me. If this weekend I do an emotional 180, though, I am going to make an appointment.

 

stevie_23, i know i haven't been responding directly to your posts but i've been following your story too. I am sorry that you are in such an awkward and complicated love triangle. you might benefit from therapy as well, to have someone give you advice and encourage you to move on. I understand your hesitation to split with your SO but I honestly think it's best for the both of you, maybe you're not ready yet but one day you will be and therapy can help you get there. If you meet someone who is available and perfect for you, are you going to deny him the pleasure of being with you because you're with your partner still? How fair is that to any of the involved parties?

 

It's the honest thing to do, stop living a lie and don't subject her to it either. I am sure she'd want you to be happy as well, even if she was angry at first. So many men and women who are in long term heterosexual relationships realize that they have attractions to the same sex and feel trapped. you shouldn't feel trapped either, or ashamed. If you are not in love with your partner anymore and you're seeking out other people (male or female), please show her the respect to just leave because if she ever finds out on her own (and who knows, she may not find out) she will be devastated.

[kandygurl22]

kandygurl,

 

I haven't thought too much about it yet, I am going to come up with a list of questions though and all of the problems outlines so that I can keep track of my thoughts. This might be my one and only chance for closure so i can't let anything fall trough the cracks.

 

you live 3 minutes from him and work 5 minutes from him and you haven't seen him at all?!? he is a loser. a coward and a loser. he has no excuse AT ALL if he loves you. Please don't waste anymore of your tears on this man. He isn't worth it. Get it all out, do something that brings you pleasure like getting a massage or seeing a funny movie and if you have to do something slightly reckless (I made a batch of cupcakes last weekend and ate a decent amount of them myself -_-), do it. just get it out of your system. then start focusing on you. have you thought about therapy? I am thinking about it, but right now I am feeling better. I have gone on a diet, started exercising, and I have some fun activities to distract me. If this weekend I do an emotional 180, though, I am going to make an appointment.

 

Yeah true... you don't want to miss out on getting any answers to things you will be wondering later... I guess though always keep in mind that he might not be completely honest if you ask him a difficult question to corner him into looking like the bad guy... And I do think it's best if you try to not let him suck you back in incase he shows up armed with a bunch of excuses and empty promises to try to get you back. If he truly wants to make it work, he's got alooooot of work to do - or are you at the stage now where all you want is closure and not to make up?

 

Yeah that's the worst part is that it would only take 5 minutes out of his time to come and see me and he can't manage that. He is a loser. And SUCH a coward, it disgusts me that anyone could even be that pathetic.

I have started therapy and medication - actually I did a few weeks before he disappeared on me which makes this even more of a bitter pill to swallow - the fact that he knew what I was going through and having a hard time coping, and yet STILL put me through this knowing how much I was struggling, and he knew he was the cause of my anxiety and causing me to crumble as a person.

That is just so heartless, I can't even believe he would do that to me.

 

Someone who used to be so loving can turn their back on you when you need them the most. Like his problems are the only ones that matter, he was supportive until he had his own problems to face, and when it's about him, it's like it doesn't matter what I'm battling in my own life.

 

Therapy is a big help though, even if you are feeling alright for the time being, there are always some unresolved issues deep down and it has been a real eye opener for me, even in the short time I've been seeing one. I have another appointment tomorrow, the first since before my ex disappeared so hopefully it will bring me some more clarity.

 

I've started dieting and exercising too! I want to start feeling good about myself - I guess it is slowly working for me. It's just hard to find that motivation to get out of bed on the weekends and spend time with friends who I have fun with when sometimes I just feel like being mopey and alone.

Haha your cupcakes thing is cute, I may just need to try that

[stevie_23]

I have started therapy and medication - actually I did a few weeks before he disappeared on me which makes this even more of a bitter pill to swallow - the fact that he knew what I was going through and having a hard time coping, and yet STILL put me through this knowing how much I was struggling, and he knew he was the cause of my anxiety and causing me to crumble as a person.

That is just so heartless, I can't even believe he would do that to me.

 

Someone who used to be so loving can turn their back on you when you need them the most. Like his problems are the only ones that matter, he was supportive until he had his own problems to face, and when it's about him, it's like it doesn't matter what I'm battling in my own life.

 

This is very interesting. I am on medication too (Zoloft). It's helping.

 

Anyway, the interesting thing is...he knew before he left that he was the cause of your anxiety...do you think this put a lot of pressure on him and he felt bad?

 

I ask this because in the 2 months before my ex left, I was CONSTANTLY freaking out about his wife finding out again. I developed a phobia of it, I'd be shaking, crying, distressed, unable to eat or sleep if I didn't hear from him when I expected to. And when he'd text me or whatever, I'd be like, OH THANK GOD!! THANK GOD!!! I'd explode with relief, you know? It worried him. I was having heart palpitations, chest pains, nausea, I had high blood pressure. He didn't like it at all and we tried to work out how to get me to relax and not be so scared about his wife finding out again. It did pressure him.

 

Also, I won't go into details because it's too personal even for this forum (and me being a blabbermouth), but during our time together, there were a total of 5 events / experiences that occurred in my life that HUGELY stressed him out because he was so worried about me. They weren't just one offs either, but some were ongoing for several months, or on and off at different times. He never left my side (so to speak) during all of this.

 

And what you said about your guy, as soon as he had his own problems your's were unimportant? I don't actually feel that way about MY ex, because he DID have his own issues throughout our relationship (and I was there for him too), but...at the same time, I can relate because when his real life got TOO much for him, he had to let me go. And the fact I was SO anxious just put added pressure on him. (and another thing happened right before he left as well and I didn't get a chance to tell him until after. When he didn't talk to me for 10 days after he left and then he FINALLY did respond to one of my messages? It was only because I'd finally told him what I was meaning to tell him from before he left. He didn't refer to it or mention it in the message, which kind of hurt, and it didn't bring him back either, but it did make him actually talk to me.)

 

So...instead of this "other thing" that was going on in my life (that normally he'd have stuck by me for and been very worried and supportive about) making him feel like he WANTED to still be with me, it was just another added pressure that he simply couldn't deal with. I get that. I'm SO not blaming myself in any way whatsoever, but I just found your post interesting...

 

This is a confession that makes me a little embarrassed, but the time his wife found out (the 3rd time), when he disappeared for 2 weeks (he did tell me what happened first though at least, that time), when I saw him around on the songwriting forum we were both on, just in public posting area, I would leave little cryptic comments I knew he'd read. I was trying to let him know I was still around, still there for him, still WITH him, you know? Anyway, so one of the 5 events that happened to me happened during that time, and I mentioned it (cryptically. I knew he'd know what it meant but no one else would) in a public post. And then he wrote to me privately, and that's when he "came back" to me. Gradually. But...I knew it'd work. You know? That's why I'm embarrassed. Because I USED it as a "tool" to get him to talk to me again. And when I told him about what happened after he left me this time? I wondered if maybe it'd work then too. But no. Too much stress and pressure for him now.

 

Sometimes they can't cope with how their actions and lives affect us if they can see we're anxious, upset, worried all the time, etc. This is a sympathetic view of them. The UN-sympathetic view is they're cowards and lazy and selfish and can't deal with anything but themselves. lol.

Edited January 24, 2013 by stevie_23

[kandygurl22]

This is very interesting. I am on medication too (Zoloft). It's helping.

 

Anyway, the interesting thing is...he knew before he left that he was the cause of your anxiety...do you think this put a lot of pressure on him and he felt bad?

 

I ask this because in the 2 months before my ex left, I was CONSTANTLY freaking out about his wife finding out again. I developed a phobia of it, I'd be shaking, crying, distressed, unable to eat or sleep if I didn't hear from him when I expected to. And when he'd text me or whatever, I'd be like, OH THANK GOD!! THANK GOD!!! I'd explode with relief, you know? It worried him. I was having heart palpitations, chest pains, nausea, I had high blood pressure. He didn't like it at all and we tried to work out how to get me to relax and not be so scared about his wife finding out again. It did pressure him.

 

Also, I won't go into details because it's too personal even for this forum (and me being a blabbermouth), but during our time together, there were a total of 5 events / experiences that occurred in my life that HUGELY stressed him out because he was so worried about me. They weren't just one offs either, but some were ongoing for several months, or on and off at different times. He never left my side (so to speak) during all of this.

 

And what you said about your guy, as soon as he had his own problems your's were unimportant? I don't actually feel that way about MY ex, because he DID have his own issues throughout our relationship (and I was there for him too), but...at the same time, I can relate because when his real life got TOO much for him, he had to let me go. And the fact I was SO anxious just put added pressure on him. (and another thing happened right before he left as well and I didn't get a chance to tell him until after. When he didn't talk to me for 10 days after he left and then he FINALLY did respond to one of my messages? It was only because I'd finally told him what I was meaning to tell him from before he left. He didn't refer to it or mention it in the message, which kind of hurt, and it didn't bring him back either, but it did make him actually talk to me.)

 

So...instead of this "other thing" that was going on in my life (that normally he'd have stuck by me for and been very worried and supportive about) making him feel like he WANTED to still be with me, it was just another added pressure that he simply couldn't deal with. I get that. I'm SO not blaming myself in any way whatsoever, but I just found your post interesting...

 

This is a confession that makes me a little embarrassed, but the time his wife found out (the 3rd time), when he disappeared for 2 weeks (he did tell me what happened first though at least, that time), when I saw him around on the songwriting forum we were both on, just in public posting area, I would leave little cryptic comments I knew he'd read. I was trying to let him know I was still around, still there for him, still WITH him, you know? Anyway, so one of the 5 events that happened to me happened during that time, and I mentioned it (cryptically. I knew he'd know what it meant but no one else would) in a public post. And then he wrote to me privately, and that's when he "came back" to me. Gradually. But...I knew it'd work. You know? That's why I'm embarrassed. Because I USED it as a "tool" to get him to talk to me again. And when I told him about what happened after he left me this time? I wondered if maybe it'd work then too. But no. Too much stress and pressure for him now.

 

Sometimes they can't cope with how their actions and lives affect us if they can see we're anxious, upset, worried all the time, etc. This is a sympathetic view of them. The UN-sympathetic view is they're cowards and lazy and selfish and can't deal with anything but themselves. lol.

 

Yeah I haven't started anti-depressants yet but I've been on Xanax for a while too.. definetely helps but I don't want to rely on that - or better yet, I don't want to HAVE to rely on that because of how a man makes me feel. I shouldn't have to feel that way in a relationship.

 

Though I do agree that yes I think my problems definitely did add to his stress and affect him and put more pressure on him. And as much as I can see that I didn't help his situation, ultimately it isn't even about him, a healthy relationship should be two people helping each other through everything, not having one bail when it gets too hard for him. He handled it in the most insensitive way and I will never forgive him for that. So many times I explained to him calmly about how severe anxiety works, how it affects me, and the simple things he needs to do to help me out - eg: texting when he says he's going to and not making me wait countless hours for a reply... Little things like that, that'd make no significant difference to his life if he put in the effort - but no, for me, he couldn't do that either, he'd keep the good behavior up for a couple of weeks and then go back to his old ways.

 

I DO KNOW what you mean about using it as a tool though. And I am also embarrassed but I think sometimes in those times when you're so anxious and breaking down, you can't help it, it's like a last resort way to let them see just how much pain you are in really. I only did that a couple of times with my ex, and although I got the attention I wanted, I think this only helped to push him further away. I'd post things up on FB (before I blocked him a few months ago), lyrics, music videos, stuff I knew he'd see and knew it was about him and how broken I was. In person, I'd cry and yell and say things like "But you know what I'm going through, why can't you be better, you have to be there for me, you're the cause of my mental issues, you are the reason I am like this" I guess he just couldn't deal with it.

 

I just had a session with my therapist this morning - first one since my ex disappeared on me. I gotta say, I am feeling a whole lot better already.

For the first time in a year I feel somewhat anxiety free which is where now I can pinpoint my ex being the main cause of all of what I thought was a problem with ME. Like yes, I am depressed but I do believe he's done me a favor by letting me go and I am slowly starting to see that now. And it's not about me. I did nothing wrong. Neither did you. All we did was love and support these guys and all we got back was pain and stress. It's something that is wrong with them, something that can't be changed, we were just unlucky enough to get caught up in it.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading, and I believe these guys do suffer from some kind of personality disorder. Your ex did seem a lot more supportive than mine but just some ways they do sound quite similar.

 

I have been reading and OMG, I really think my ex is somewhat of a narcissistic sociopath - not extreme but there are similarities.

It's an interesting read though - I'm sure a lot of people caught up with a MM could probably relate.

 

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your ?Soul Mate? « Paula's Pontifications

[ana0pera]

Yeah, it is possible that he wont be completely honest with me, to protect his feelings (or perhaps to protect mine, who knows).

 

I will have to think carefully about what I say and how I say it, I don't really have too much to say to be honest as I've done all of the talking these past few weeks and he hasn't done any. My mind is pretty much made up I would like an explanation from him I guess. Who knows if he will be honest, but right now I feel like our break-up is very frayed since we didn't talk about it and I just want a clean break.

 

Even though I think I have detached emotionally, I acknowledge that I would want to make up and have this work, but for that to happen he has to change a significant amount and I doubt that he is capable of changing enough for me. Also, he has to change/work harder because he wants to, not because I want him to. Thus I don't think we have a future together because if he cared about me this wouldn't have happened in the first place. Communication has always been an issue for us and because we are LD, it was the end of us.

 

I am basically going to keep my mouth shut and see what he has to say first. I will not point fingers or blame him even if I want to. I don't really even care what his excuses are. But one thing that I will do is let him know that i am not a doormat and i will not wait here alone and committed while he can't make up his mind about us.

 

Glad to hear that you've started therapy and also started focusing on YOU!! I think that is the best way to get over an ex, almost as potent as NC (which I did horribly at). Self-improvement forces us to purge the toxic relationships and activities out of our lives so that we can make room for healthier, positive energy. I am really excited to start self-exploration again, and I recently started taking vitamins again (I try to go with natural remedies after a bad experience with anti-depressants a while ago); I am already noticing a difference in my stress levels!

[ana0pera]

So tomorrow is when he's supposed to reappear for an overdue discussion. I've been a mixed ball of emotion today. I cried a little this morning, I am not really sure what I was crying about. I've been thinking about what I want to say to him and ask him but I can't think of anything. I'm drawing blanks here. completely. not that i feel like i need to do anymore talking anyway, but still. It's so weird to feel this disconnected to someone you were willing to make so many sacrifices for. I went from being willing to leave your family, friends, and country for him to not even having words to say to him.

 

I think I might be jealous of the fact that maybe he's already moved on--and did so easily--when I am only beginning to move on. I mean, he didn't have the time to talk to me when I was having doubts in our relationship so it's obvious he didn't care that much. If he did he would've made it a priority no matter how busy he got. That's probably what got to me this morning. I can't help but think our relationship was a joke to him and these past few weeks when he's been ignoring me, he's been laughing about it the entire time. It wasn't until I sent him a very diplomatic email where I basically say goodbye and I am no longer mad at him that he finally responds to me as if everything is okay and we can talk now. The letter was my attempt to seek closure for myself, given that I realized I would never get it from him, and it backfired into him wanting to make time and "discuss" everything he's been avoiding for the past month. Maybe I shouldn't have responded, or I should've told him, "no." I think I am getting cold feet about the talk. Yet at the same time I am hoping he will finally pull through. But I've learned, sadly, not to hope for too much when it comes to him, and I daresay men in general

 

We'll see what, if anything happens tomorrow. I was really tempted to email him (since he deleted the texting App we used) and ask if we're still on to talk over skype, but I am glad that my senses came back to me and I didn't do it.

[kandygurl22]

So tomorrow is when he's supposed to reappear for an overdue discussion. I've been a mixed ball of emotion today. I cried a little this morning, I am not really sure what I was crying about. I've been thinking about what I want to say to him and ask him but I can't think of anything. I'm drawing blanks here. completely. not that i feel like i need to do anymore talking anyway, but still. It's so weird to feel this disconnected to someone you were willing to make so many sacrifices for. I went from being willing to leave your family, friends, and country for him to not even having words to say to him.

 

I think I might be jealous of the fact that maybe he's already moved on--and did so easily--when I am only beginning to move on. I mean, he didn't have the time to talk to me when I was having doubts in our relationship so it's obvious he didn't care that much. If he did he would've made it a priority no matter how busy he got. That's probably what got to me this morning. I can't help but think our relationship was a joke to him and these past few weeks when he's been ignoring me, he's been laughing about it the entire time. It wasn't until I sent him a very diplomatic email where I basically say goodbye and I am no longer mad at him that he finally responds to me as if everything is okay and we can talk now. The letter was my attempt to seek closure for myself, given that I realized I would never get it from him, and it backfired into him wanting to make time and "discuss" everything he's been avoiding for the past month. Maybe I shouldn't have responded, or I should've told him, "no." I think I am getting cold feet about the talk. Yet at the same time I am hoping he will finally pull through. But I've learned, sadly, not to hope for too much when it comes to him, and I daresay men in general

 

We'll see what, if anything happens tomorrow. I was really tempted to email him (since he deleted the texting App we used) and ask if we're still on to talk over skype, but I am glad that my senses came back to me and I didn't do it.

 

hey ana

 

so how did it all go with him?

 

that is weird how it slowly fades like that, like after the break up there's a million things you want answered and you imagine what you'd say to him again if you got the chance... but i guess in a way it is a good sign that you have nothing to say to him, it seems like you are slowly moving on too. Honestly, I'd rather feel a bit disconnected than keep feeling that pain.

 

This morning i was thinking about my ex on the way to work and it was a different feeling like, first I was sitting there wondering how he couldn't miss me after all this time, and then I realized that it doesn't even matter, if he tried to come back to explain it, i'd have nothing to say, because what's done is done i guess and the only thing i can do is forget all the **** he put me through and keep my head up cause one day i will find someone out there who doesnt make me feel that way.

 

And it's exactly right, neither of our exes made it a priority when they knew WE wanted to talk, and we both got fed the 'im busy' excuse. I'm fairly certain guys like this will come and go as they please but it's really not good enough... if something is important to you, if you really love someone or feel that strongly about them, why wouldn't you want to fix it immediately before letting so much time slip past that it comes to the point where the relationship is irreparable? I don't want to sound harsh but maybe he just wants to test the waters and isn't totally sure yet about truly talking it all through and making changes? I wouldn't give him another chance to rip my heart out... I'd just play it really safe but i do think you deserve a lot more than a guy who will wait that long to talk to you about something like that.

I don't think it should have taken you to write a whole goodbye letter to him to realize a MONTH later that he will make the time to talk. but there shouldn't be any regrets in sending it, you just did what you felt like you had to, and it's better to get the emotions out. i wrote my ex a letter before like that the first time we had a break, and he wanted to finally work on it... but the changes he made never lasted. i've written him another letter which I will never give him. it's made me feel a whole lot better already. everytime i feel like i want to speak to him or ask him something i've been writing it down and keeping it to myself... i guess in a way i feel like i'm getting it all out there without ever having to waste my time on him again.

 

i hope it all went well for you... i hope you got the answers you were after and you don't feel worse after speaking to him!! let us know how it went xx

[destroyed4sho]

This is just terrible. I will never understand how people can do this to someone they’re supposed to love. It seems as if he doesn’t want to be with you. NORMALLY, from my point of view (which is not everyone’s and not necessarily the RIGHT point of view), if your partner of a year is in love with you and happy with you and is going through hard times in their life, they would need you and want you MORE during those times, even if they don’t always share things with you and try to deal with hard times alone. So for him to just…leave…it tells me he doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reason and is telling you only part of the story. The parts that don't relate to his feelings.

 

If it were me, I would NOT feel stupid in trying to talk to him about why he’s done this. I would tell him I am hurt and I know he’s going through very hard times and I understand if he feels he doesn’t want to share those with me, but we HAVE been together for quite some time and if he is choosing to leave me, I want him to tell me with real reasons that relate to his feelings for me.

 

People that just disappear will never do this, no matter how much you plead and beg. Unfortunately, it is the end. And you won't get an explanation if you do this. It hurts like hell.

Edited January 29, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[Charlene78]

Hi guys...

 

So my bf of a year has just disappeared on me..

 

A few days before Christmas, I hadn't heard from him for a few days and sent a text asking if he's ok... I get a response from him saying his uncle had just died, his mother wasn't coping well, one of his kids is really sick and he's still recovering from being sick too, work was hounding him and everything was crazy for him.

 

So I sent him my condolences and told him I'd give him some space to deal with everything etc... He's never been one to really talk about things that upset him. I didn't hear from him for 10 days (including Christmas and New Year which was upsetting) after that to where he apologized for going missing for so long but it was all still going on but he'd explain it all to me one day. A few texts back and forth and I said when it all calms down for him then yeah we can talk about it...

 

It's been almost three weeks now and no word... And it's been a month and a half since we saw each other last. I haven't texted him either because I feel like I'd be bugging him and I don't want to look like I'm upset when he's got all of this on his plate but after this long, and I don't want to look needy. But are we even still together? Will I ever hear from him or has he decided it's all too much and moved on? I don't know what to do or if I should start moving on by now too? Some of my friends say it's really rude to shut me out and some say he might just need some time. But why would he want to shut me out? I know he's back to work etc, so I just don't understand why he hasn't found the time or want to talk to me by now?

 

If he says that he couldn't find the time to contact you even once in 3 weeks, then he's making excuses. Not even during Christmas and New Year?

 

It's inconsiderate of him at the very least. And that's an understatement.

[destroyed4sho]

I have been reading and OMG, I really think my ex is somewhat of a narcissistic sociopath - not extreme but there are similarities.

It's an interesting read though - I'm sure a lot of people caught up with a MM could probably relate.

 

Beware the narcissistic sociopath disguised as your ?Soul Mate? « Paula's Pontifications

 

OMG, this is exactly who she was. Calling her exes "CRAZY" and blaming them. Saying she is in a "brand new relationship and so happy", saying "I love you" repeatedly so many times in the beginning....(I even thought it was weird, even though I am a hopeless romantic type). I am the "ONE" and we will grow old together. I am soooo much better/different than her exes and she has changed and grown.Never encouraging my work, always criticizing it and discouraging me.....FOR NOT REASON.

But, there was no ending/conclusion to this article, like how do they finally break up with their lover and why????

I had a feeling she was a narcissist even before reading this article but now I know for sure.

Edited January 29, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[flitzanu]

i'm still really confused why an ex must be a sociopath or narcissist just because they treated someone selfishly. or that they have typical selfish tendencies of a person that just wasn't that into the significant other they were dating (or cheating on/with).

 

people can just be jerks, they don't have to have personality disorders to be jerks. sometimes things REALLY ARE THAT SIMPLE.

 

does it change anything at all, or any of the events of the past?

[destroyed4sho]

i'm still really confused why an ex must be a sociopath or narcissist just because they treated someone selfishly. or that they have typical selfish tendencies of a person that just wasn't that into the significant other they were dating (or cheating on/with).

 

people can just be jerks, they don't have to have personality disorders to be jerks. sometimes things REALLY ARE THAT SIMPLE.

 

does it change anything at all, or any of the events of the past?

 

It changes the way I see the relationship, how real it was, and how much control I really had.