amandalinda Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Hey guys. As you can see I only just joined this forum since I’d really appreciate hearing your opinions regarding my ex boyfriend’s behaviour. I’m sorry about the length of this message and although I try to be as concise as possible, I’ll also try to give you an insight into the relationship as a whole. We were together for around six months until I had to move to another country for study reasons. Before I left, we were inseparable and our relationship was great. I was his first love and although he wasn’t mine, he was the first person that i could imagine spending the rest of my life with. He was clearly having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was going to move so far away from him (telling me he didn’t know how to cope without me), but he was determined to stay with me even if it had to be a long distance relationship. After I left, we almost immediately started fighting about stupid little things. He seemed to pick a fight at every opportunity, criticizing my personality and blaming me for not taking him into consideration. I don’t see why he thought I was so selfish and inconsiderate – we spoke on the phone for several hours every single day and the only ”unacceptable” thing I consider myself ever to have done was this one time when I didn’t let him know at what time I got back home after going to my friend’s birthday party. Anyway, we would always have a few good days (especially when we saw each other in person, around once every two months) but then he’d always find a new reason to call me egoistic and telling me I have to change. I promised him I would and I really did try. But very often I genuinely didn’t see any problem in my behaviour and found myself in a situation where he was mad at me and I had no clue why. Well, the fighting carried on for several months. He would get especially annoyed if I was friends with or talked to other guys. He never admitted to being jealous, but looking back I don’t see any other reason why he was so unhappy with the people i spent time with (I have quite a few close guy friends). It went as far as me having to not tell him who I was spending time with/lie about being with a female friend instead. At this point i truly tried to spend as much time as possible with my female friends, but i just couldn’t abandon all my male friends merely because of their gender. Nevertheless, I felt secure in my relationship since despite all the fights, he promised me he could never leave me. Well, about a month before he broke up with me he became extremely cold and distant. He never initiated contact and when I reached out to him, he’d reply in two or three words, often several hours later than he received the messages. After a few days, I asked him why he was ignoring me and that resulted in a full blown argument. After the argument, neither of us contacted each other for a week. I couldn’t take the situation any longer so i sent him a long letter explaining how much his behaviour in the last few weeks had hurt me, and how he has to start communicating with me in order to be able to solve our problems. I told him I was close to breaking up with him, but would never do that since I still had a lot of hope for our relationship and had promised him to always stay loyal to him. I gave him an ultimatum: either he has to start treating me better and start communicating about our problems, or leave the relationship. He called me a few hours later. At the beginning he seemed angry, asking me ”What do you want me to say to you???”. I told him my message clearly explained everything. He then told me he can’t deal with the long distance thing anymore, doesn't see a future for our relationship and that he’s sorry about not being strong enough to stay with me. He started to cry hysterically (very strange, since he is the type of man who never cries in front of anyone). I have to admit, the way I handled the phone call was a bit desperate – telling him I can wait in case he changes his mind, blaming him for not giving me a chance to change and doubting his love for me…. He assured me that he loves me more than anything. He actually told me: ”I don’t know what to do…. No, no… I have to do it” and then told me the relationship was over. After the call he told me he never wants to lose me from his life, doesn’t know how he’ll ever get over me and that he wants us to always be close friends. After the conversation, he texted me every single day, asking me how I am and initiating conversations about normal things like studies. His texts were always overly cheerful with a lot of smileys. He told me he had started a new hobby and tried to find as many things to do as possible to minimize the time he spent at home thinking about everything. So in a way he was indicating that it would take him a long time to get over me. I tried to be as nice and sweet as possible, acting almost like nothing had happened (partly to try to remind him of the person he fell in love with in case he’d realised he made a horrible mistake, partly because I genuinely want to be his friend.) After about two weeks, he completely stopped texting me. Why do you think that is? Did he realise being my friend is a bad idea, so could he essentially now be dumping me as a friend as well? Or does he just need some space? I love him so much and although I'm starting to accept that breaking up was for the best, I really want to be his friend. Any help or insight into the situation would be appreciated. I’m sure you’re a lot wiser than I am and will be able to see the situation from an objective point of view. Do you think the long distance relationship was doomed from the start? Is there something I could have done to prevent the breakup from happening? Is there a way we could perhaps get back together in the future? (I will most probably be living in the same country as him again next year - although i’m not sure whether I could regain my trust for someone who had already dumped me once). I’m so sorry for the long message. Thank you in advance
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