flygirl11430 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Hi all…I'm a first time poster here, I've been reading these forums for a long time and have gained some valuable lessons from the advice in other threads. So I thought I'd post my situation here…. I'm going to try to keep this as concise as possible, but I apologize if it's still pretty long once I'm done. I'm 27 and my husband is 25; we've been married for a little over six years, together only about 4 months before that (yeah, we probably moved too fast, but hindsight is 20/20). No kids yet. I'm having some issues in my marriage, lots of little things that will need to be fixed eventually but for simplicity's sake I'm only going to discuss the two big ones here. I've been unhappy for a while, so unhappy that I've been on the verge of walking away, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him like that. For the longest time I couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me--I knew what the issues were, of course, but it was all just kind of a big jumble in my head. I felt like my options were just walk away with no explanation, which I decided I couldn't live with, confront him with this big confused mess, or bottle it up and try to figure it out. I chose the third. Now I'm hopeful, because I finally feel like I've gained some clarity on things, and I can talk to him without feeling like I'm making no sense. Issue #1-- The first four years of our marriage were pretty ugly. We fought all the time…I felt like he was blowing up at me over any little thing…stuff like, why did I buy brand X at the grocery store, when if I knew anything at all I'd know that brand Y was better…basically he he would blow up, then give me the silent treatment while I begged and pleaded and apologized over and over, then at a time of his choosing, get over it and act like nothing happened. I stayed because when he wasn't acting like that, I loved him so much. I didn't want my marriage to fail. I never addressed it because I was so sick of fighting, I couldn't bring myself to cause another. So I bottled it up. Then, about two years ago, he changed. With no prompting from me, these episodes happen less and less, now hardly at all. I know I should be grateful--and I am--but I'm also still carrying around the hurt from those four years. He's never apologized to me, and I still have trouble believing that he sees me as an equal partner. I'm also afraid that one day what stopped so suddenly, will suddenly start again. Also, we've both said that we want a family, so having kids is the logical next step in our relationship. But, I'm very hesitant to have children with him with this kind of history. What if we do, and then this monstrous part of him comes back? Issue #2-- It's a sexual one, and this is where things get kind of unconventional. First of all, my husband is bisexual; I went into the marriage knowing that. A few months after we married, I discovered that he'd been having explicit conversations online with both women and men. It hurt, to say the least. I understood that he was young and hadn't had very many sexual experiences before me…but for f*** sake we just got married, shouldn't that be enough for him? Again, though, I was scared to bring it up, I didn't want to fail, so I reconciled myself to be okay with him having sex with other people, as long as everything done was safe, and no emotional bonds were formed. I just wanted him to be honest with me about it, basically. So I proposed the idea of an open relationship. It was OK at first, he met a couple people, I did too, we talked about it, and things were good on that front. A year or so later, I took my current job, which led to me being away from home a lot more due to a high travel requirement. He told me that he wanted to go back to monogamy, because he wasn't comfortable with the possibility of me getting together with people while I was on the road. I completely saw his point on that one, so I agreed. Apparently, though, monogamy only applied to one of us…I got suspicious, I did some snooping, I found out that he'd had a few different encounters over the space of about six months. This time I did confront him, but he denied everything even in the face of hard evidence. I told him I didn't care, I wouldn't be angry with him, but I needed him to be honest with me. He still refused. And kept right on doing what he was doing. There was one incident that fell more along the lines of a short term affair…about 1500 text messages, of course he insisted they were just "friends" and nothing sexual was happening. I doubt it. About six months ago, he told me that he wanted to go back to being open, though he still insisted that nothing had happened during the time we were supposedly monogamous….even though he knows I know better. But, he seems to be comfortable being honest with me now, finally, so it's progress. So basically, I guess what I really need from him is some closure on these two things. The past is the past, we can't change it…but I need him to know that his actions hurt me, and some reassurance that he won't go back to this kind of behavior in the future. He had an interview last week for a new job that will finally get him started on a career in his chosen field. It went well, and I think there's a good possibility that he'll be offered the position. It'll require us moving to a new city, which will put him closer to his family. It's the right move for him; I hope he's offered the job and I want him to accept it. Whether it's the right move for me, on a permanent basis, depends a lot on his reaction to me bringing these things up. So I'm wondering, do I try to have this discussion now, or wait till I know either that the job's not going to happen, or he's committed to accepting it. The idea of moving for him has brought this all to a head in my mind, but I think it will be a positive thing in the long run. I don't want him turning down the job because he gets the idea I'd be happier staying put. But I also don't know if I should be bring this stuff up while we're trying to orchestrate a move; might just make a stressful time more stressful. Sorry I've written a book here. Any thoughts would be appreciated, and I'll try to answer any questions as best I can. If you made it through all that, thanks for reading!
Aedra Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) I am no expert but here's what I think: Your husband has over the years emotionally abused you, completely betrayed you with his constant cheating and clearly has little respect for the marriage vows he took with you. He is deceitful and does not love you. I don't know everything about your marriage of course so there may be details I have missed, but this is the strong impression I get. But the problem isn't just his own: you are so afraid of having a failed marriage you'd rather stick with a very toxic one then admit you did not marry the right man. Its highly unlikely this guy is going to change. The first couple years should have given enough red flags to give you a taste of what's to come, but sometimes we let fear override everything else. I also think you are suffering from low self worth and its hindering you from finding true happiness with somebody that deserves you. I hope that helps in some way. Edited January 21, 2013 by Aedra 1
NervisPervis Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 No kids yet. Thank God. Is it possible you really don't see the massive mess you are in? By the way, "I'm bi" from a male really means "I'm as queer as you can get, I just need to pretend I like girls so I can live more easily in a homophobic world". Think about these two points: 1 - Women say "no" to sex, not men. 2 - It is REALLY easy to find casul gay sex on the internet. Please leave him. YESTERDAY. Don't feel guilty. Don't look back. 3
Author flygirl11430 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Nervis, I completely agree with you, thank God we don't have kids in the middle of this situation. At this point, I could never in good conscience bring children into this marriage. For one thing, I doubt I would have very much say in how they were raised....he's made it very clear that he knows everything and disagreement isn't allowed. Also, even though he claims to want kids, he's such a high strung person that I don't know how he'd ever handle it. He has a young niece and nephew, and all I ever hear is how annoying they are. When he's around them, it's a constant stream of correcting and disciplining them. Really, I find it appalling. Maybe he would be different with his own kids, but that's not a risk I'm willing to take. Basically, I feel like all the signs are pointing me out the door. The thing that makes me feel guilty, is that I haven't really addressed these issues with him. So that's my next step. And his reaction will determine whether there's any point to me sticking around any further. I just have to find the strength to do it....I've always been pretty non confrontational, which is what's gotten me into this mess. Guess its time to find my voice...here's hoping. Thanks for your responses, it really is very much appreciated! 1
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