miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Tips, advice, and stories welcome. We both have our own place, go to school, and work full time. This is going to be interesting!
SilentVoice Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 You shouldn't move a man in with your child so early truthfully.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 You shouldn't move a man in with your child so early truthfully. ... WTF?
tigressA Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Some questions: How long have you been together? Why are you moving in together? I moved in with my ex-ex after two months of dating, mostly for 'practical' reasons. It didn't go well. The relationship was rocky throughout and I broke up with him and moved out the following year. He made significantly more money than I did and secretly resented me for not contributing as much, despite the fact that he volunteered to pay the bills. I hope the two of you are picking out a new place together. It'll be much easier to adopt the "ours" attitude that way. Power struggles can easily result from one moving into the other's home.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Some questions: How long have you been together? Why are you moving in together? I moved in with my ex-ex after two months of dating, mostly for 'practical' reasons. It didn't go well. The relationship was rocky throughout and I broke up with him and moved out the following year. He made significantly more money than I did and secretly resented me for not contributing as much, despite the fact that he volunteered to pay the bills. I hope the two of you are picking out a new place together. It'll be much easier to adopt the "ours" attitude that way. Power struggles can easily result from one moving into the other's home. Great questions! Haven't been together long, 3 months. That being said, we have spent every night together other than 1 at his place. We are not moving into a new place. My lease is up and since I spend every night at his place anyways [we technically already live together I guess, I just pay rent for a place I don't use.] We both make crap money [yay for full time students!] and already purchase groceries together and what not. Very VERY strong relationship so far, and we will be moving in together at the end of March! Totally get the whole power thing with it being "his" place still after I move in. Not sure how it will pan out, but things right now are already going well so I have high hopes. It is definitely something I will keep in mind. Things are still under discussion though so any ideas as to things I should bring up to him would be great to hear!
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 you have it all dont waste it all for such a act. living together stands more for temporary, dont know jet so let me test you for a while. if its that serious at the right moment why not a ring on your finger? English? No ring because we don't want to get married yet! Der.
SilentVoice Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 ... WTF? Sorry familiar name - wrong poster. If you are on your own. Just weigh the pros and cons and always have a back up.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Sorry familiar name - wrong poster. If you are on your own. Just weigh the pros and cons and always have a back up. Haha ok! Definitely no children here!
sydneysider1978 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 A couple of things... You haven't been together that long, you're still the honeymoon phase where everything he does is amazing. Have you had an argument (and successfully resolved it), seen him stressed, has he seen you sick? Etc etc. It's likely you are still on your best behaviour. Just something to think about. You should discuss what this means. If one person thinks moving in together is effectively engagement and the other is just doing it to save money, problems will arise. You should Find a way to make the place feel like yours, or ours, not just his. You could redecorate or even just rearrange the furniture and add the female touch!
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 A couple of things... You haven't been together that long, you're still the honeymoon phase where everything he does is amazing. Have you had an argument (and successfully resolved it), seen him stressed, has he seen you sick? Etc etc. It's likely you are still on your best behaviour. Just something to think about. You should discuss what this means. If one person thinks moving in together is effectively engagement and the other is just doing it to save money, problems will arise. You should Find a way to make the place feel like yours, or ours, not just his. You could redecorate or even just rearrange the furniture and add the female touch! Its complicated I guess. We have had arguments [we have a healthy fighting style], I have seen him on some BAD days, in sickness and everything. I wasn't kidding when I said that for the past three months we have spent it together entirely. Other than Christmas eve we have very smoothly joined our lives together. As for the redecorating thing, we have already done that, I have been an active role in things regarding "HIS" apartment. From sheets to the new huge TV he bought [he calls everything 'ours' already, even though truly it's all his, I understand that] It is for multiple reasons, money, convenience, and ultimately the fact that we truly do enjoy our time together THAT much. Maybe we are the minority but I will fully admit that it is true, we haven't been together that long, as for how fast things are going, by the time we do share everything [finance wise] we will have been together almost 6 months. *shrug* not sure if that helps understand our situation more but I tried!
kaylan Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 BAD IDEA. 3 months is WAY too soon. You should date at least a year before you move in together. Rushing is relationship suicide. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I get the sense this is one of those move fast types at the level where you start staying at his place, re-arranging things, improving them, doing this or that...feeling like a real "couple" and all this is good and great, you feel like you're an improvement on his life and he does something or other for you too but he's happy so far and so are you...it seems like a "perfect match".....awww But seriously, that's the gist of it that I'm getting from this, but it's still clearly in the honeymoon phase in things, nothing gets on each others nerves at this point very much and the make-up process is easy. At this point of the cycle though, you really can't know because there really is no history...and since your lease is about to end you think this is a good decision based off emotions. But keep this in mind, just because you are acting like a full time long-term couple on the surface, doesn't mean you really have the backing underneath...so the "proof" you are seeing is mainly superficial in terms of experience with each other. The real tests have yet to come, so now at best you're just going off a good hunch that things "feel" like they could really work out. Renew your contract for another six months, then if you really feel like things haven't changed then you can continue on moving together. If you move in now you're likely making a big mistake, because not only are you putting the cart in front of the horse you still haven't had any real challenges...now won't be the future, relationships change and evolve, and at this point all that's evolved is how smoochy smoochy you and infatuated you are with each other. You're also likely to burn out the relationship faster....you'll be spending too much time together and it isn't sustainable, men will eventually need their space, and it may not seem like a lot but him knowing you have somewhere else to go other than his own house is a benefit...but you both might think it isn't a big deal...well that's up to you find out If you really want to. Is it a "smart" move? of course not...not for everyone, you want to use some example of "X" persons relationship that worked out fine when they did that...that's up to you. But realistically I think moving in together is going to be too much too fast and may even burn out the flame. From my experience, 3 months flies by and I've had a lot of these shotgun romances before....but I know better than to make these really big decisions over them, and in the past I have in my own life because I just knew it was the right move even though emotionally I wanted to do it anyway. If you move in together, make sure you sort out finances, living space and have a real agreement. If he moves into your place (which he won't), or you move into his place then you'll be the one to leave, you'll be the one who moved into his place and then you're going to cry about not being able to leave because you don't have the money and you might just blame him. So think about the potential situation you are putting yourself in....what if you invest your money in furniture and other things to improve "his" house, when it comes time to move out if that happens, are you going to have the money? or like a lot of women will you just blow it all on said guy then have nothing to show for it? even though you were just trying to make "your house" together better...unless it's truly 50/50, one person is going to hold the weight over the other when things go bad. 2
TheZebra Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I also think 3 months is WAY too soon to make a decision like that. You guys haven't been together through a whole lot (no matter what you may think) and have not been through enough ups and downs of both life and the relationship to be able to make such a commitment.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I get the sense this is one of those move fast types at the level where you start staying at his place, re-arranging things, improving them, doing this or that...feeling like a real "couple" and all this is good and great, you feel like you're an improvement on his life and he does something or other for you too but he's happy so far and so are you...it seems like a "perfect match".....awww But seriously, that's the gist of it that I'm getting from this, but it's still clearly in the honeymoon phase in things, nothing gets on each others nerves at this point very much and the make-up process is easy. At this point of the cycle though, you really can't know because there really is no history...and since your lease is about to end you think this is a good decision based off emotions. But keep this in mind, just because you are acting like a full time long-term couple on the surface, doesn't mean you really have the backing underneath...so the "proof" you are seeing is mainly superficial in terms of experience with each other. The real tests have yet to come, so now at best you're just going off a good hunch that things "feel" like they could really work out. Renew your contract for another six months, then if you really feel like things haven't changed then you can continue on moving together. If you move in now you're likely making a big mistake, because not only are you putting the cart in front of the horse you still haven't had any real challenges...now won't be the future, relationships change and evolve, and at this point all that's evolved is how smoochy smoochy you and infatuated you are with each other. You're also likely to burn out the relationship faster....you'll be spending too much time together and it isn't sustainable, men will eventually need their space, and it may not seem like a lot but him knowing you have somewhere else to go other than his own house is a benefit...but you both might think it isn't a big deal...well that's up to you find out If you really want to. Is it a "smart" move? of course not...not for everyone, you want to use some example of "X" persons relationship that worked out fine when they did that...that's up to you. But realistically I think moving in together is going to be too much too fast and may even burn out the flame. From my experience, 3 months flies by and I've had a lot of these shotgun romances before....but I know better than to make these really big decisions over them, and in the past I have in my own life because I just knew it was the right move even though emotionally I wanted to do it anyway. If you move in together, make sure you sort out finances, living space and have a real agreement. If he moves into your place (which he won't), or you move into his place then you'll be the one to leave, you'll be the one who moved into his place and then you're going to cry about not being able to leave because you don't have the money and you might just blame him. So think about the potential situation you are putting yourself in....what if you invest your money in furniture and other things to improve "his" house, when it comes time to move out if that happens, are you going to have the money? or like a lot of women will you just blow it all on said guy then have nothing to show for it? even though you were just trying to make "your house" together better...unless it's truly 50/50, one person is going to hold the weight over the other when things go bad. Solid advice. I'll keep it all in mind, definitely some things to discuss too! Overall, we will be moving in together, and I can go on and on about how we spend every moment together already but I am sure it wouldn't matter much. Back up plan will definitely be formed on my end. And yes, three months is a short amount of time, I fully agree, but I guess I am just going with it on this one.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Appreciate the advice people, but more so on the actual phase of moving in together. As I said, I have been married before, so it isn't completely new to me, more so in the fact that I have a pretty steady life of my own that I will be combining with someone else's. You can say we shouldn't do it, but it is going to happen. I swear you all can say "I told you so" if it ends tragically.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 So much support! Haha Bad idea, but a FUN bad one!
mammasita Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 BAD IDEA. 3 months is WAY too soon. You should date at least a year before you move in together. Rushing is relationship suicide. I agree with this. No matter how AMAZING and PERFECT everything is right now, 3 months is way too soon. I've done it and it failed miserably. I realize you will go forth with your plans but I highly advise against it at this point in your relationship. 2
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I agree with this. No matter how AMAZING and PERFECT everything is right now, 3 months is way too soon. I've done it and it failed miserably. I realize you will go forth with your plans but I highly advise against it at this point in your relationship. Totally understand, but again... we are not moving in together just YET. Still 3 months to go. We merely have been discussing it and have made it pretty clear that we want it to happen.
TheZebra Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Still too soon. What's the rush? It's like eating oreos... you're loving it and stuffing oreos into your face and then you get to halfway through the pack and you start getting sick of it... suddenly you don't want oreos. Ever. Again. It's the same with people. You're loving each other's company right now, but once you start to see each other every single day, day and night... it won't be easy. You have to kind of ease yourself into it. You're diving right in, which is too dangerous. 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Still too soon. What's the rush? It's like eating oreos... you're loving it and stuffing oreos into your face and then you get to halfway through the pack and you start getting sick of it... suddenly you don't want oreos. Ever. Again. It's the same with people. You're loving each other's company right now, but once you start to see each other every single day, day and night... it won't be easy. You have to kind of ease yourself into it. You're diving right in, which is too dangerous. I hate to repeat myself because I know you all will think I am "fantasizing" but we literally spend EVERY day together. As in: I pick up and wash his dirty underwear, He brushes his teeth while I pop my pimples, We go to work/school and then every other moment is spent together, Cooking, cleaning, shopping, gym.... We already kind of dove right into it. The rush is due to 2 things really, convenience since I am now paying for an apartment I am never at, and also because we already pretty much live together.
tigressA Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I really think you should wait...if it's really this good, it should continue to be good whether or not you're living together in a few more months, yes? At the very least, if you insist on doing it when you're going to do it, pick out a new place together. In the relationship I mentioned in my first post, it was hard for me to leave when I really wanted to because I didn't have anything in that apartment and my financial situation wasn't optimal enough to leave. The lease was solely in his name. I had to wait until he was abroad to make my exit so I would be able to do it all on my timetable and not be forced out by him before I was ready as punishment for having dumped him. When I told him I was leaving, he had repeatedly threatened to have me kicked out of the apartment before I was ready even though he was away, and he likely could've had it done too. It'll be really easy, when you're fighting, for him to assert power over you by saying "This is MY home." Because technically, it is. I was walking on eggshells for awhile, worried about saying or doing anything that would really piss my ex-ex off because it was "his" home and I could easily find myself out on my ass. Ask yourself, how well do I really know this man? Do I really want to move in with him out of convenience? Because honestly that's one of the worst reasons to decide to move in together.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I really think you should wait...if it's really this good, it should continue to be good whether or not you're living together in a few more months, yes? At the very least, if you insist on doing it when you're going to do it, pick out a new place together. In the relationship I mentioned in my first post, it was hard for me to leave when I really wanted to because I didn't have anything in that apartment and my financial situation wasn't optimal enough to leave. The lease was solely in his name. I had to wait until he was abroad to make my exit so I would be able to do it all on my timetable and not be forced out by him before I was ready as punishment for having dumped him. When I told him I was leaving, he had repeatedly threatened to have me kicked out of the apartment before I was ready even though he was away, and he likely could've had it done too. It'll be really easy, when you're fighting, for him to assert power over you by saying "This is MY home." Because technically, it is. I was walking on eggshells for awhile, worried about saying or doing anything that would really piss my ex-ex off because it was "his" home and I could easily find myself out on my ass. Ask yourself, how well do I really know this man? Do I really want to move in with him out of convenience? Because honestly that's one of the worst reasons to decide to move in together. My marriage was VERY much so like this... which is why I can definitely see that. Definitely something I want to talk to him about before deciding to go through with it. That would NOT be ok with me to use that line the "this is MY home". 1
candie13 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 my little sister met her current bf at a party, left together, practically lived together since that day - he moved in. 3 years later, still together, just got a dog. but ... it is not sunshine every day. My sister did throw him out a couple of times (did well, too)... the utter reality is he who moves is will have less leverage power, on the long run. crazy idea: if you both love each other so much, why don't you find a new place together? not his or yours, but belonging to the 2 of you. With both your names on the lease. I've been through a really ugly break up and the last thing I needed, when I was drained from power, couldn't sleep or eat at all, was to find another place to live. Like breathing is already problematic, and you need to go visit apartments. No one wants to think about this, but it is real stuff, real life, you need to think about yourself and protect yourself first and foremost. At least, ask for your name on the lease contract, to avoid any surprises. I would also vote to move in with a gf, but it looks like you've already made up your mind .
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