How often do cheaters "get away" with it?

[firstandlast]

from what i remember, you xOW jumps from affair to affair - i'm not sure how her husband doesn't even suspect something, anything.

 

or could be that he just doesn't care.

 

more to the point, why do you care?

 

Oh, he cares. When he saw some emails from me to her early in the affair, they had a mini-crisis -- and those weren't even that incriminating.

 

Why do I care? I know I shouldn't, but I'm still angry, I guess. As RickFox pointed out, I probably want to see her life turned upside down as mine has been. Not the healthiest response, but that's hours I feel right now.

[HonestNeurotic]

People that don't get caught don't tend to talk about it. There are those that do. The locker room type stuff. So my male friends tell me.

 

I've had two affairs. Never caught. Pretty sure I never will be. I ended the last one because I didn't want the emotional attachment that he was developing. I think that there are more affairs that are purely sexually motivated, or very short term, that BS's never know of and will never know of.

 

My first affair was with a serial cheater. Married 25 years, had one OW after the other, with little breaks in between, since he was dating his wife. She found out with the one after me, so I heard. Will she know of all of them, of me? I dunno. But I think that it's more prevalent than we want to admit. (as a society).

 

I'll probably have another affair one day, if an opportunity arose. Not highly likely, I live a rather hermit life. I cannot honestly say I'd never do it again.

[Catplates]

Having attraction for others while a person is married is almost universal.

 

So if a man feels attracted to the wife of his brother he is cheating and will never be discovered. That would be the mildest form and could involve most people in the planet.

 

If we are talking about a conventional affair with a lot of deceit then it goes like this:

 

If the affair is never discovered then it never happened for the betrayed spouse. Then the single OW or OM never got the prize and the affair perhaps ended a natural death without the typical d-day.

 

But, no one can know how prevalent that is. IMHO, cheaters then to get caught because they are impulsive.

 

I

For the BS... one moment of knowing can change his/her whole existence. As you said, if they don't know, then it never happened. How our happiness hangs on one split second.

[Lillyfree]

Oh, he cares. When he saw some emails from me to her early in the affair, they had a mini-crisis -- and those weren't even that incriminating.

 

Why do I care? I know I shouldn't, but I'm still angry, I guess. As RickFox pointed out, I probably want to see her life turned upside down as mine has been. Not the healthiest response, but that's hours I feel right now.

 

and that's very honest of you.

 

you're human, it's ok to feel that way.

look forward to indifference

[Got it]

none. cause the truth will always come out.

soon or later.

 

Really? You honesty believe this? You truly believe that every single affair is found out. Out of the millions of affairs that happen over time? Really? Just looking at it logically, statistically this just doesn't seem probable.

[RickFox]

none. cause the truth will always come out.

soon or later.

 

Ya know, I wish this was right, I'd love to believe it, but I just can't.

[LetMeGo]

none. cause the truth will always come out.

soon or later.

 

The symptoms may show themselves during the A but the truth may never come out unless exposed. If the WS shows no remorse why would they ever come clean to the BS?

[Spark1111]

Prboably more so than one would like to hear. Bottom line is, you are hoping she is discovered, to watch her life get turned upside down, just as yours has been. I was the same way when my A ended and I often wonder if I should have told her H.

 

Like your ex AP, mine is at home living the high life, her stay at home status undisturbed, and even got a new car out of the deal. Whether her marriage is bad or has dipped back to where it was, it's not my concern. It only becomes my concern again should she try to reach out again and despite my wife's beliefs I don't see it happening and have reached the point of not caring.

 

you know Rick, I think your anger is normal. I think I and definitely my fWS felt this way for awhile.

 

His AP was D and there were NO consequences for her other than nursing a broken heart when I decided to reconcile with him.

 

Interesting to me is this view, when espoused by a BS or someone else, IS REALLY, really unpopular.

 

I applaud your honesty because I know how hard it was for him and me and we felt exactly as you do.

 

but knowing the OW in my sitch, no one on the planet as ever, ever had a broken heart like her's, KWIM?

[RickFox]

I guess so Spark. I do try not to think about karma and my xmw, I try not to think about her too much at all but I see her at the school or her car in passing and it brings up the anger at times and other days I am indifferent.... I am hoping for the day where Im completely indifferent and no emotions from my horrific mistake come back to haunt me at all. Still, I can't allow myself to be concerned with whether she is happy at home because even if she is miserable, she is no longer my problem. And if I'm stupid enough to ever allow her to become my problem again, I deserve everything I get.

[bentnotbroken]

What of the saddest (along with the death of an unborn child from an STD because of a serial cheat) things I have unfortunetly seen personally is a BS who discovers the affair after the death of the WS. One finding out there were two OC. They are left with no one to answer questions. The families are not only grieving the death of a family member they have to deal with the AP having been at the funeral, children or a whole lot fake people offering their condolences all the while knowing about the AP.

 

One person just disappeared with her children. Leaving the in-laws (they knew about the AP) without a relationship with the children, her job and her home. She lost everything because of the selfishness of others making life choices for her. I think of her sometimes when I see posts here and wonder what she is doing. Has she healed any? How are her children coping with life? No one has a crystal ball to see what he future holds...but we all do know that our actions have

consequences....good/bad...intented/unintended.....directly/indirectly. No one counts on death be the exposer of our bad behavior but sometimes it is and that is a helluva a way to leave those one claims to love.

[bentnotbroken]

I mean no disrespect, and perhaps my view is skewed by my own role, but why should there have been consequences for her other than a broken heart?

 

What consequences, other than a broken heart do any of us end up with? On either side?

 

Isn't a broken heart exactly what is felt by the BS?

 

I don't see money or property as any reason to stay with someone, so that's a completely invalid argument to me.

 

It all comes down to the broken heart for me, so if that's fallout, then in theory didn't she get what she deserved?

Maybe someone can explain this to me.

 

 

 

You explained it quite well. It is an invalid argument to you. Not to those who view it as such. Your perspective does not allow you to see it.

[Decorative]

 

but knowing the OW in my sitch, no one on the planet as ever, ever had a broken heart like her's, KWIM?

 

Yup. The OW in my sitch was a perpetual victim. Still appears to be so.

 

But I am not sure which married man broke her heart the most. My spouse? The married man before him? Or the married man she dated at the same time she was also with my husband?

 

My mind boggles. Really. It does. How she is a victim through all of that?

Sigh.

[BetrayedH]

Surveys - Truth About Deception

 

Thanks to justwhoiam for taking a moment to research.

 

Based on her survey link, 50% of male respondents and 41% of female respondents reported that their spouse found out the truth

 

22% by self-disclosure

21% by investigation

20% by accident

13% confessed when accused

12% by a 3rd party

6% other

 

There were ~68k respondents and near dead even on percentage of males/females surveyed (49/51).

 

Looks like about 45% are eventually found out.

[Got it]

You explained it quite well. It is an invalid argument to you. Not to those who view it as such. Your perspective does not allow you to see it.

 

So you see those areas as valid reasons for staying together? Isn't that where WS' are hit for doing just the same?

[Charlie Harper]

If the cheater(s) are intelligent, the possibility of getting caught is 0, but most of the time they make mistakes:

 

They buy presents for each other.

They hang out in public places

They call a lot on the phone

They use their FB to chat

E Mails or SMS or whatsapp way too much.

They eat and have receipts, coffee or anything that leaves a paper trail.

Use their car for escapades (remember de odometer?)

Keep anything from the other.

 

If you control your feelings and the times and where do you meet each other, posibilities are almost zero.

[Got it]

Like most things, the more often there is an interaction, there is a chance to be caught. So like playing russian roulette, you may hit a point where the chamber isn't empty.

 

The best way to get away with something is to limit the interaction, limit the exposure, and limit the evidence.

 

Just plain logic.

[Realist3]

If the cheater(s) are intelligent, the possibility of getting caught is 0, but most of the time they make mistakes:

 

They buy presents for each other.

They hang out in public places

They call a lot on the phone

They use their FB to chat

E Mails or SMS or whatsapp way too much.

They eat and have receipts, coffee or anything that leaves a paper trail.

Use their car for escapades (remember de odometer?)

Keep anything from the other.

 

If you control your feelings and the times and where do you meet each other, posibilities are almost zero.

 

All of that is very true. We do use FB to communicate mostly, but it is through dummie accounts.

[bentnotbroken]

So you see those areas as valid reasons for staying together? Isn't that where WS' are hit for doing just the same?

 

 

I didn't say it was valid for me...did I?

[BetrayedH]

If the cheater(s) are intelligent, the possibility of getting caught is 0, but most of the time they make mistakes:

 

They buy presents for each other.

They hang out in public places

They call a lot on the phone

They use their FB to chat

E Mails or SMS or whatsapp way too much.

They eat and have receipts, coffee or anything that leaves a paper trail.

Use their car for escapades (remember de odometer?)

Keep anything from the other.

 

If you control your feelings and the times and where do you meet each other, posibilities are almost zero.

 

Yet, about half the time, the betrayed spouse finds out. I wonder if the people that got caught knew that they were unintelligent (seems kinda unlikely, huh?) or if they were just overconfident.

[Realist3]

Yet, about half the time, the betrayed spouse finds out. I wonder if the people that got caught knew that they were unintelligent (seems kinda unlikely, huh?) or if they were just overconfident.

'

That is not what that study is saying. Half of the respondants say they are found out. It is not a scientific sample.

[Realist3]

It is an internet survey. It means nothing.

[justwhoiam]

Any of you can still take the survey. Some interesting data is missing from that survey: after how long the truth was found out and how long the relationship lasted (for those who were not found out). That would have been very interesting, just to assess one's (statistic) risk level...

[BetrayedH]

It is an internet survey. It means nothing.

 

Disregard 68,000 responses if you like. I get that it's not a scientific study. Feel free to propose other data if you like. I really don't have a vested interest.

 

Someone else proposed that intelligent people can reduce the odds to zero. That seems to be a big claim considering the number of people that get caught. I merely posed a question, curious if those that were caught would say that they were unintelligent or perhaps overconfident. Anecdotal to be sure, I would say that while my ex wife lacks wisdom, she is/was highly intelligent and was caught regardless. Seems like a risky undertaking to me even for an intelligent person and I question the proposal that intelligence can reduce risk to none. Which seems like the stretch to you? An anonymous survey with 68,000 respondents volunteering that about half of them were found out or two anonymous internet posters saying they won't be? I get that the subterfuge you employ is probably pretty darn effective as compared to most. Still, if your BS really wanted to know, you don't think you could be found out?

[Spark1111]

Disregard 68,000 responses if you like. I get that it's not a scientific study. Feel free to propose other data if you like. I really don't have a vested interest.

 

Someone else proposed that intelligent people can reduce the odds to zero. That seems to be a big claim considering the number of people that get caught. I merely posed a question, curious if those that were caught would say that they were unintelligent or perhaps overconfident. Anecdotal to be sure, I would say that while my ex wife lacks wisdom, she is/was highly intelligent and was caught regardless. Seems like a risky undertaking to me even for an intelligent person and I question the proposal that intelligence can reduce risk to none. Which seems like the stretch to you? An anonymous survey with 68,000 respondents volunteering that about half of them were found out or two anonymous internet posters saying they won't be? I get that the subterfuge you employ is probably pretty darn effective as compared to most. Still, if your BS really wanted to know, you don't think you could be found out?

 

Idk...CIA Chief Petraeus seemed very intelligent....Sen. John Edwards, Gov.MArk Sanford.....

[Realist3]

Disregard 68,000 responses if you like. I get that it's not a scientific study. Feel free to propose other data if you like. I really don't have a vested interest.

 

Someone else proposed that intelligent people can reduce the odds to zero. That seems to be a big claim considering the number of people that get caught. I merely posed a question, curious if those that were caught would say that they were unintelligent or perhaps overconfident. Anecdotal to be sure, I would say that while my ex wife lacks wisdom, she is/was highly intelligent and was caught regardless. Seems like a risky undertaking to me even for an intelligent person and I question the proposal that intelligence can reduce risk to none. Which seems like the stretch to you? An anonymous survey with 68,000 respondents volunteering that about half of them were found out or two anonymous internet posters saying they won't be? I get that the subterfuge you employ is probably pretty darn effective as compared to most. Still, if your BS really wanted to know, you don't think you could be found out?

 

All I was saying, is that we can't claim 50% of all A's get discovered from the results of that survey.

 

When you look into the subject of affairs on alomst any sub-topic within research always shows wide allowances of percentages because the accuracy of the sample is extremely difficult to determine. I don't even remember the specific topic or study I was looking at, but it gave a range between 35-80%. That sort of result tells me little to nothing. Either it is somewhat common, or almost an inevitability. Hmmm... I'm not sure what they thought the point was in publishing something so nebulous.

 

I don't really buy into the idea that intelligence and vigilance can cut the odds to 0%. As long as two people are seeing each other there is always a chance. You may be able to reduce those odds to an extremely low number, but there will always be a chance of being caught.

 

In terms of my own situation it would be very very difficult for her BS to find out at this point in time. Like I mentioned previously he has already hired 2 PI's that she knows of at a cost of thousands only to come up with nothing. In the beginning(first 6 months) that would have been a different story. Careless on many levels.