napy666 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 This 1 guy I'm talking too says him and his ex girlfriend had talked a few weeks like maybe 2-4 weeks and then met and he said after meeting they didn't talk much, let alone talk much in-person on their first date. So now he wants to take things slow and get to know me more clearly like have us talk for 1-2 months before we meet. Becuz if I pressure him into meeting too soon he says this scares him and he says it won't work if we meet too soon. But aren't you suppose to meet soon? I have heard so many stories from people some who talked to the person 1-2 days and then met, others who talked to the person a week and met, others longer. It just varies by person. Anyway what should I do? Just take things slow with this guy and see what happens? Me myself I don't want us to talk for like a year and we still have not met ya know?
Mr_Flay Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I'm a strong proponent of early meeting. A couple of hours of chatting is all you need to get an idea of what the other person is like, and then you should take it offline. Here are some problems you may encounter when you meet after months of talking online: 1) Both of you will develop great expectations. Since you know only bits and pieces about the other person, your brain will fill the gaps with positive qualities which the other person may not live up to. Also, if you really like someone's personality, you tend to imagine him/her as physically much more attractive than may be the case in reality – pics look prettier, physical flaws are downplayed – leading to great disappointments once you two meet. I've experienced it, and it leaves both parties ashamed. 2) Running out of things to talk about. Meeting offline for the first time is a sensitive affair. Regardless of the depth of the topics you covered online, you'll both be nervous, and you'll both be very careful about what you say before you get used to each other's body language. For such a situation you need light topics, and basic get-to-know you questions are excellent for that purpose. Don't run out of them, otherwise there may be periods of uncomfortable silence on the first date. Don't think you know the person just because you two exchanged hundreds of kilobytes of text. The person sitting opposite of you will, if only for a short while, still feel like a total stranger. 3) If he gets an opportunity for a relationship in real life, he'll dump you for the "real" girl since online conversations entail very little emotional investment and obligation toward the other person. And a year is a long time, ripe with opportunities for both of you.
Author napy666 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I'm a strong proponent of early meeting. A couple of hours of chatting is all you need to get an idea of what the other person is like, and then you should take it offline. Here are some problems you may encounter when you meet after months of talking online: 1) Both of you will develop great expectations. Since you know only bits and pieces about the other person, your brain will fill the gaps with positive qualities which the other person may not live up to. Also, if you really like someone's personality, you tend to imagine him/her as physically much more attractive than may be the case in reality – pics look prettier, physical flaws are downplayed – leading to great disappointments once you two meet. I've experienced it, and it leaves both parties ashamed. 2) Running out of things to talk about. Meeting offline for the first time is a sensitive affair. Regardless of the depth of the topics you covered online, you'll both be nervous, and you'll both be very careful about what you say before you get used to each other's body language. For such a situation you need light topics, and basic get-to-know you questions are excellent for that purpose. Don't run out of them, otherwise there may be periods of uncomfortable silence on the first date. Don't think you know the person just because you two exchanged hundreds of kilobytes of text. The person sitting opposite of you will, if only for a short while, still feel like a total stranger. 3) If he gets an opportunity for a relationship in real life, he'll dump you for the "real" girl since online conversations entail very little emotional investment and obligation toward the other person. And a year is a long time, ripe with opportunities for both of you. He says by us waiting a while he will feel more comfortable meeting in person. He says he's rushed things before and they never worked out. He wants to get to know me over time and if we still liked each other then we could meet.
Mr_Flay Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 What's wrong with getting to know you in person? When you're online, there's a real danger of getting a wrong picture about the other person. Why specifically didn't it work out when he rushed things? What about people he meets in real life (school, activities, bars)? Is this too soon as well? So why should you be any different?
LittleTiger Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Meet whenever it feels right but, personally, I would do it as soon as possible. There is always a danger that you get too close online and then it doesn't match up in reality because one or both of you is not physically attracted to the other. It does happen! Until you meet you're just friends and free to pursue other romantic interests as well, so if you leave it too long, you may miss out on something potentially great. That said, I disagree with Mr Flay's belief that you will find it awkward when you meet for the first time. If you've been talking online for months, it's unlikely you will not get along, at least as friends. I met my guy online, talked for two months and when we met it was the most natural thing in the world. If this guy doesn't want to meet early and you do, perhaps you can make it clear to him that you are going to continue dating others until he is ready - there is no reason for you not to. If you meet someone else well, at least you warned him. 2
Mr_Flay Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 That said, I disagree with Mr Flay's belief that you will find it awkward when you meet for the first time. If you've been talking online for months, it's unlikely you will not get along, at least as friends. I met my guy online, talked for two months and when we met it was the most natural thing in the world. It's great when that happens, but I was only talking about the first hour or so. Consider that you've so far only seen somebody's typed text, and you have no idea about their facial expressions, tone of voice and other body language. This makes it a tiny bit awkward at first, and even more if you've talked online for long enough for your mental picture of him to become really solidified in your brain. Which may or may not correspond to reality.
LittleTiger Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 It's great when that happens, but I was only talking about the first hour or so. Consider that you've so far only seen somebody's typed text, and you have no idea about their facial expressions, tone of voice and other body language. This makes it a tiny bit awkward at first, and even more if you've talked online for long enough for your mental picture of him to become really solidified in your brain. Which may or may not correspond to reality. These days we have something called Skype! I would agree with you if all communication before meeting was via typed conversations only, but who does that in this day and age? There was no awkwardness between us whatsoever at first meeting. If anything it was all excitement - like greeting a really close friend you haven't seen for years. Comfortable from the very first second and every second since. :love: Awesome chemistry helped! The biggest danger is lack of physical attraction on meeting. It's too easy to get carried away with the mental and emotional intimacy that develops online, especially talking on skype - if the attraction isn't there on meeting that could lead to major discomfort and awkwardness - on both sides! We only left it two months because of the distance between us though - we would have met a lot sooner given the chance. ASAP is the best policy, just to avoid a massive waste of emotional energy. I know we would both have been devastated if it hadn't worked out after all the time we had spent getting to know each other.
Author napy666 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 This guy won't even talk on the phone because he's shy. BUT we have seen each other on Skype video call. He just again doesn't want to rush things. Because as he told me the last time he met a girl, they met hung out and after the date was over they hardly talked much afterwards.
TigerCub Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 This guy won't even talk on the phone because he's shy. BUT we have seen each other on Skype video call. He just again doesn't want to rush things. Because as he told me the last time he met a girl, they met hung out and after the date was over they hardly talked much afterwards. I don't understand how people who are relatively new to one another can't find things to talk about. Who's to say he will have anything to say to you even if you wait 4 months? Then his excuse would be "oh, well we talked about everything thru email, we obviously have NOTHING to discuss now that you're here in person" This guy seems very easily spooked - and maybe even a lil boring.
Mr_Flay Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 The biggest danger is lack of physical attraction on meeting. It's too easy to get carried away with the mental and emotional intimacy that develops online, especially talking on skype - if the attraction isn't there on meeting that could lead to major discomfort and awkwardness - on both sides! Exactly. That's what happened to me. Or rather, the other girl. So I suggest a compromise: talk online up to a week, then meet in person just once, then take it back online until you become comfortable enough.
clia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 This guy won't even talk on the phone because he's shy. BUT we have seen each other on Skype video call. He just again doesn't want to rush things. Because as he told me the last time he met a girl, they met hung out and after the date was over they hardly talked much afterwards. It sounds like they just weren't compatible when they met in person. Is this the case? I think it's a huge time waster to spend so much time e-mailing/texting/skyping/talking on the phone. What if you get together and have no chemistry in person or you just flat out don't like something about their mannerisms? Then you've just wasted two months of your time when you could've been off finding someone more compatible. I think he's full of it. Talk to him for awhile if you want, but I'd push him to meet if I were you.
Author napy666 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 It sounds like they just weren't compatible when they met in person. Is this the case? I think it's a huge time waster to spend so much time e-mailing/texting/skyping/talking on the phone. What if you get together and have no chemistry in person or you just flat out don't like something about their mannerisms? Then you've just wasted two months of your time when you could've been off finding someone more compatible. I think he's full of it. Talk to him for awhile if you want, but I'd push him to meet if I were you. Thats the problem I pushed him to meet and I ended up pushing him away scaring him. I am single and dating so I am talking to more than one guy and seeing who I click more with and who I will meet up with etc.
LittleTiger Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Thats the problem I pushed him to meet and I ended up pushing him away scaring him. I am single and dating so I am talking to more than one guy and seeing who I click more with and who I will meet up with etc. napy666, if being yourself pushed him away or scared him then he isn't the guy for you. Keep looking.
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