aliceb1987 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Since splitting from my long term ex last summer i have been on a real relationship rollercoaster i joined Plenty of fish soon after as i was getting really lonely.Went on several dates most of which were unsuccessful as i didnt feel anything for the guys.Then met up with one who i actually fancied but he didn't want anything serious so we just hung out afew times and had some casual sex.I then met someone who i had a great mental connection with but who i wasnt sure about looks/compatibility wise.We became close friends and i confused this for having feelings for him,gave him the benefit of the doubt (bad idea) and we ended up getting together.But my heart wasn't in it,and he had some issues too so that finished after christmas (were only together afew weeks) I felt better in a way but also sad as i had grown used to seeing him often,close to his family etc and he didnt want to stay friends.On New years eve i met someone else through friends.He was perfect....the first person ive ever met who ticked all the boxes and he appeared really interested too.I let him instigate everything to try protect myself and not come accross too keen,but i couldnt help but get excited, daring to beleive i may have finally found happiness.But he went all distant on me,then told me he wasnt ready for a new relationship yet as he was still cut up from his last one which hadn't long ended.Whether this is true or he just wasnt into me or both i dont know....but here i am,feeling all down and lonely again and wondering if i will EVER find someone right.Every moment that i am not at work or with friends i feel low,i have always been awful at coping with the single life.Tonight i met up with someone for sex just cause i wanted the attention and company...but that's not me i don't know how to be happy in myself without needing someone else to make me so.Any ideas on how to do this?? Thanku x 1
HereIGo Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I am new to this site and just read your post... I just wanted to say I understand!!! I am in a similar frame of mind. Not sure what to do about it either. Random hook-ups worked for me when I was younger... not anymore! Wish I had something more to tell you *sigh*
Author aliceb1987 Posted January 24, 2013 Author Posted January 24, 2013 Thankyou for your reply...just understanding is enough so thanku x
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 It takes a lot of effort and time these days. You will eventually have someone to share a genuine life with. Till then /hug
Mr Scorpio Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 i don't know how to be happy in myself without needing someone else to make me so.Any ideas on how to do this?? Yep. Start reading posts and stories on this site. Read tales in the self-improvement forum. Read stories in the divorce forum. Understand that, even if/when you find the perfect guy, nothing is guaranteed. There are plenty of married people who are intensely lonely. Aside from that, desperation/reliance on others is a transparent trait. If you depend on one other person for validation of your worth and the basis of your happiness, how are you going to avoid smothering them? 1
RogerWallace111 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm assuming by last summer you mean the one that ended just 4 months ago ? If so, you're pretty clearly still "grieving" the loss of that relationship, and while you're still in that process, I don't think you can simply (or accurately) identify yourself as needing someone else to be happy. I felt the same way for a spell after my breakup- like I was going to be unhappy and endure indefinite loneliness until I had someone else to fill her place. And in that period, I too had some hookups, etc that were much less than fulfilling. Thing is, it was losing her presence & companionship that was the "problem" I was dealing with, and what was causing me pain. It wasn't the fact that I was single, it was the transition away from that comfort. I really think the same might be the case for you... I personally think anyone, once they get used to it and really face themselves, can be content being single for a good spell. I know people who hop from one relationship to another out of fear, and even they could potentially be fine if they just let time run it's course. Unfortunately, that fear of loneliness is too much for some, so they just jump from relationship to relationship, keep experiencing heartbreak, and never even get to really know themselves through it all. Believe me when I say there is a silver lining and an upside to even the most extremely painful breakup, if you're willing to ride it out and accept it. It's the new level on which you get to know yourself and the strength gained through that. I've had moments of complete hopelessness and despair, where I would have given anything to have a new girl step in and "make it better". But in hindsight, I'm grateful I didn't because the way I feel now....... I can barely begin to explain it. It's a bittersweet thing, yes. There are times I feel deep loneliness and sadness. But pushing through the anguish, I began to feel more alive & human than EVER. If you were a tangible friend of mine, I would urge you to accept your pain, cry through it, and really just be with yourself. In the short term it might feel better to have some male company, but if you were to get through it without that crutch, the new you... Well, the new you would be bound to attract your "perfect" man... 3
lemondrops11 Posted January 28, 2013 Posted January 28, 2013 I'm assuming by last summer you mean the one that ended just 4 months ago ? If so, you're pretty clearly still "grieving" the loss of that relationship, and while you're still in that process, I don't think you can simply (or accurately) identify yourself as needing someone else to be happy. I felt the same way for a spell after my breakup- like I was going to be unhappy and endure indefinite loneliness until I had someone else to fill her place. And in that period, I too had some hookups, etc that were much less than fulfilling. Thing is, it was losing her presence & companionship that was the "problem" I was dealing with, and what was causing me pain. It wasn't the fact that I was single, it was the transition away from that comfort. I really think the same might be the case for you... I personally think anyone, once they get used to it and really face themselves, can be content being single for a good spell. I know people who hop from one relationship to another out of fear, and even they could potentially be fine if they just let time run it's course. Unfortunately, that fear of loneliness is too much for some, so they just jump from relationship to relationship, keep experiencing heartbreak, and never even get to really know themselves through it all. Believe me when I say there is a silver lining and an upside to even the most extremely painful breakup, if you're willing to ride it out and accept it. It's the new level on which you get to know yourself and the strength gained through that. I've had moments of complete hopelessness and despair, where I would have given anything to have a new girl step in and "make it better". But in hindsight, I'm grateful I didn't because the way I feel now....... I can barely begin to explain it. It's a bittersweet thing, yes. There are times I feel deep loneliness and sadness. But pushing through the anguish, I began to feel more alive & human than EVER. If you were a tangible friend of mine, I would urge you to accept your pain, cry through it, and really just be with yourself. In the short term it might feel better to have some male company, but if you were to get through it without that crutch, the new you... Well, the new you would be bound to attract your "perfect" man... Great post 1
Dmoney28 Posted January 29, 2013 Posted January 29, 2013 RogerWallace..wow, great post. I was going to post something similar, but you stated my opinon very well. I dont understand why people fear being alone for a extended period of time. During this time of "isolation" I learned so much about myself. Once the pain and doubt are swept away with time i was left with Self confidence and a true perception of myself and the my enviroment. Aliceb1987 i urge you to take RogerWallac's advice. You will become a complete person at the end of your self solitude...a better person for yourself and any new potential partner. part of any healing is coping with the pain and learning from it. 1
Caldespair Posted January 30, 2013 Posted January 30, 2013 More kudos for Rogers post. I am in months 2 of being away from my home and daughter. Much despair. Im 49 and have cried while driving (hard to admit but felt so alone). But now, though im in the middle of very expensive and contensous divore, I am getting to know who I am. I got lost in the 27 year relationsip. I was very complacent at the end and my w had the dominat personality. Now I feel like im 25. Ive lost weight, work out, socilize more then I have in the last 5 yerars of marriage. My sbxw sees me at daughters soccer games, and I have new clothes, and look much better then I did when with her. I know she sees me and may question her decision to kick me to the curb. I know more despair will be coming, but the ray of light is giving me hope. Hang in there! 1
BigTuna Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I'm assuming by last summer you mean the one that ended just 4 months ago ? If so, you're pretty clearly still "grieving" the loss of that relationship, and while you're still in that process, I don't think you can simply (or accurately) identify yourself as needing someone else to be happy. I felt the same way for a spell after my breakup- like I was going to be unhappy and endure indefinite loneliness until I had someone else to fill her place. And in that period, I too had some hookups, etc that were much less than fulfilling. Thing is, it was losing her presence & companionship that was the "problem" I was dealing with, and what was causing me pain. It wasn't the fact that I was single, it was the transition away from that comfort. I really think the same might be the case for you... I personally think anyone, once they get used to it and really face themselves, can be content being single for a good spell. I know people who hop from one relationship to another out of fear, and even they could potentially be fine if they just let time run it's course. Unfortunately, that fear of loneliness is too much for some, so they just jump from relationship to relationship, keep experiencing heartbreak, and never even get to really know themselves through it all. Believe me when I say there is a silver lining and an upside to even the most extremely painful breakup, if you're willing to ride it out and accept it. It's the new level on which you get to know yourself and the strength gained through that. I've had moments of complete hopelessness and despair, where I would have given anything to have a new girl step in and "make it better". But in hindsight, I'm grateful I didn't because the way I feel now....... I can barely begin to explain it. It's a bittersweet thing, yes. There are times I feel deep loneliness and sadness. But pushing through the anguish, I began to feel more alive & human than EVER. If you were a tangible friend of mine, I would urge you to accept your pain, cry through it, and really just be with yourself. In the short term it might feel better to have some male company, but if you were to get through it without that crutch, the new you... Well, the new you would be bound to attract your "perfect" man... Really inspiring, amazing beautiful post. I wholeheartedly agree. I've just come out if a 3-yr relationship and even though being single is the most undesirable thing ever I'm gonna ride it out 1
H3Drvr Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think it boils down to something very simple...if you can't be comfortable with yourself, in your own skin, in your own company...how can you expect to anyone else to be? I know easier said then done and I've had to fight these self doubts myself. When I find myself in this rut, I start setting personal goals. And I reward myself when I reach those goals. Pretty soon all these achieved little goals add up and what do you know, your happy with yourself again and people notice. Before this past relationship, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve but placed them on hold to concentrate on the relationship. Now that I have the time and money (since I'm not spending it on dates and adventures), I've refocused my efforts to this previous goal...which is to get my boat captains license. I'm picturing myself, hot summer, just cruising the ocean, a couple hotties on the deck and nice cold brew in my hand and shooting the **** with my buddies. 2
SpicyMayo Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think it boils down to something very simple...if you can't be comfortable with yourself, in your own skin, in your own company...how can you expect to anyone else to be? I know easier said then done and I've had to fight these self doubts myself. When I find myself in this rut, I start setting personal goals. And I reward myself when I reach those goals. Pretty soon all these achieved little goals add up and what do you know, your happy with yourself again and people notice. Before this past relationship, I had some personal goals I wanted to achieve but placed them on hold to concentrate on the relationship. Now that I have the time and money (since I'm not spending it on dates and adventures), I've refocused my efforts to this previous goal...which is to get my boat captains license. I'm picturing myself, hot summer, just cruising the ocean, a couple hotties on the deck and nice cold brew in my hand and shooting the **** with my buddies. this has been the best thread i've read in a while. the insight shared by rogerwallace and H3drvr has opened my eyes as im dealing with my own breakup situation right now. aliceb you will be okay -- i too have had sex with random encounters after a breakup. it's how we cope and try to feed our self-esteem in order to fulfill the ego. there's a lot of psychology behind it all lol. you may be desperate, but at the same time you are eager to find someone new bc u seem like a person who has a lot of love and energy to provide to your partner, lover, etc....also its okay to do hanky panky while keeping your eye on the future prize
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